by Plautus
GELASIMUS
What’s there in that? Taking up the lid of the basket. PIN. Snakes, for you to eat.
GELASIMUS
Why are you so pettish?
PINACIUM
If you had any shame, you wouldn’t address me.
GELASIMUS
May I learn the truth from you?
PINACIUM
You may; this day you’ll get no dinner.
Enter PHILUMENA from her house.
PHILUMENA
Who now, pray, is breaking this door down? To GELASIMUS. Are you doing this? Do you come to me like an enemy?
GELASIMUS
My respects to you; I come at your bidding.
PHILUMENA
And is it for that reason you are breaking down my door?
GELASIMUS
Scold your own people; the offenders are your own. I came to see what you wanted me for. Why, for my own part, I pitied this door.
PINACIUM
For that reason your assistance was given so very readily.
PHILUMENA
Pray, who’s that, talking here so near to us?
GELASIMUS
Pinacium.
PHILUMENA
Where is he? Looks on each side.
PINACIUM
coming forward . Attend to me, and leave alone that needy Parasite, Philumena.
PHILUMENA
Pinacium.
PINACIUM
That name my elders gave me.
PHILUMENA
What’s your business
PINACIUM
What’s my business, do you ask?
PHILUMENA
Why shouldn’t I ask it?
PINACIUM
What’s yours with me?
PHILUMENA
Do you insult me, impudent fellow? Answer me, this very instant, Pinacium.
PINACIUM
Bid those, then, to let me alone, who are detaining me.
PHILUMENA
Who are detaining you?
PINACIUM
Do you ask me that? A lassitude is in possession of all my limbs.
PHILUMENA
Well, I know right well that it’s not in possession of your tongue.
PINACIUM
With such rapid speed have I been hastening from the harbour, for the sake of your own well-doing.
PHILUMENA
Why, do you bring any good news?
PINACIUM
I bring more, by very much, than you expect.
PHILUMENA
I’m saved, then.
PINACIUM
And I’m done for; lassitude is drinking up my marrow apace.
GELASIMUS
What, then, am I, the marrow of whose stomach, to my sorrow, famine has seized upon?
PHILUMENA
Did you meet any one?
PINACIUM
Many.
PHILUMENA
But any man?
PINACIUM
Very many; but, of the many, not one a greater rascal than he is. Points at GELASIMUS.
PHILUMENA
How so?
GELASIMUS
I have been affronted already at his saying uncivil things to me. If you irritate me any further —— Holds up his fist to PINACIUM.
PINACIUM
I’ faith, you’ll be plaguy hungry to eat >me.
GELASIMUS
I’ll cause you to know that assuredly you’ve said that with reason.
PINACIUM
I wish everything to be made clean. Calls to the SERVANTS from the door. Bring out here your brooms, and a reed as well, that I may destroy all the labours of the spiders and their plaguy webs, and rout out all their looms. The SERVANTS bring some brooms.
GELASIMUS
The poor things will be cold in future.
PINACIUM
What? Do you think that they are just like yourself, with only one coat? Take this broom. Gives him a broom.
GELASIMUS
I’ll take it.
PINACIUM
This I’ll take myself. Do you sweep away there.
GELASIMUS
I’ll do so. Sweeps away.
PINACIUM
calling aloud. Will some one bring here a pail and water?
GELASIMUS
Really, this fellow’s playing the Ædile without the vote of the public even. The water is brought.
PINACIUM
Come, do you quickly sweep the ground, and sprinkle before he t house.
GELASIMUS
I’ll do so.
PINACIUM
It needs be done. I’ll knock down the spider-webs there from the door and from the wall.
GELASIMUS
I’ faith, a troublesome business, this.
PHILUMENA
Still, I don’t at all understand what it means; unless, perchance, some guests are about to come?
PINACIUM
ordering the SERVANTS . Do you spread the couches.
GELASIMUS
aside . The beginning pleases me, about the couches.
PINACIUM
Others, you chop the billets; others, you clean the fish which the fisherman has brought; take you down the gammon of bacon and the collar of brawn.
GELASIMUS
aside . I’ faith, this is a very sensible fellow.
PHILUMENA
By my troth, as I imagine, you haven’t quite minded the directions of your mistress.
PINACIUM
Why, I’ve left all matters unattended to by reason of what you wished.
PHILUMENA
Then do you inform me upon that, on account of which you were sent to the harbour?
PINACIUM
I’ll tell you. After, with the daybreak, you had sent me to the harbour, the sun with its beams opportunely arose from out of the sea. While I was enquiring of the revenue officers whether any ship had arrived from Asia, and they were saying none had come, I beheld, in the meantime, a bark, than which I think I never saw a greater one. With a favouring breeze, and in full sail, it came into harbour. We were enquiring one of another whose ship it was, and what it carried? In the meantime I espied your husband and his servant Stichus.
PHILUMENA
Ha! what? Did you mention Epignomus?
GELASIMUS
Your husband and my own life.
PINACIUM
He has arrived, I say.
PHILUMENA
Did you see him yourself?
PINACIUM
Yes, and with pleasure too.
GELASIMUS
I’ faith, I’ll surely take the broom, and sweep this place with pleasure.
PINACIUM
He has brought a great amount of silver and gold.
GELASIMUS
’Tis right cleverly done.
PINACIUM
Wool and purple in plenty.
GELASIMUS
Aye, for me to clothe my carcase with.
PINACIUM
Couches, adorned with ivory and gold.
GELASIMUS
I’ll recline at table right regally.
PINACIUM
Besides — Babylonian coverings for couches, and carpets dyed in purple, has he brought.
GELASIMUS
Abundance of fine things. I’ faith, his business has been successful.
PINACIUM
Then, as I began to say, female players on the harp, on the pipe, sackbuts too, has he brought with him, of surprising beauty.
GELASIMUS
Capital! When I’m at my wine, I’ll be quite sportive; then am I in merriest pin.
PINACIUM
Besides many unguents of numerous kinds.
GELASIMUS
I’ll not sell my bon mots; I’ll not have an auction now; I’ve got an estate in fee. Let the mischievous hunters of auctions go to perdition. Hercules, I congratulate thee that the tenths which I vowed to thee are increased. ’Tis my hope that at length, by some means or other, I may expel this plaguy famine from my stomach.
PINACIUM
And then, besides, he has brought some Parasites with him.
GELASIMUS
Alas! to my confusion, I’m undone.
PINACIUM
Right funny fellows.
GELASIMUS
I’ faith, I’ll sweep this dust back, which I just now swept together. Sweeps it back . Those bon mots are now on sale, which I was saying I wouldn’t sell. I’m done for: now there is occasion for spiteful persons to rejoice at my misfortune. Hercules, thou who art a God, thou really hast departed not oppoitunely.
PHILUMENA
Did you see Pamphilus, the husband of my sister?
PINACIUM
No.
PHILUMENA
Isn’t he there?
PINACIUM
Yes, they said that he had come as well. I ran hither before them, with all speed, that I might bring the welcome tidings.
PHILUMENA
Go in-doors, Pinacium; bid the servants prepare the sacred things for me. To GELASIMUS. Fare you well!
GELASIMUS
Do you want me to assist?
PHILUMENA
I have servants enough in the house. PHILUMENA and PINACIUM go into the house.
GELASIMUS
to himself . In good sooth, Gelasimus, I doubt you have come to but little purpose, if neither he that is here gives you any aid, nor yet he that’s coming. I’ll off indoors to my books, and take my instructions from the cleverest sayings; for if I don’t drive away those fellows, the Parasites that are coming, most surely I’m undone. (Exit.)
ACT III.
Enter EPIGNOMUS and STICHUS, followed by some SLAVES.
EPIGNOMUS
Inasmuch as, my business prosperously carried on, I am returned safe home, thanks do I return to Neptune and to his tempests; to Mercury as well, who in my traffic has aided me, and by my profits has rendered my property fourfold. Those whom formerly I affected with sorrow at my departure, the same shall I now make joyous at my arrival. But already have I met my connexion Antipho, and from bad terms have I returned to friendship with him. See, prithee, what money can effect. Since, my affairs prospering, he sees that I’ve returned, and brought home great wealth, without any mediators, there on board the ship, upon the deck, we have returned to friendship and good feeling. Both he and my brother dine with me this day; for yesterday we were both in the same harbour together; but to-day my ship weighed anchor a little the soonest. Take these people in-doors, Stichus, whom I’ve brought with me.
STICHUS
Master, whether I’m silent or speak, I’m sure you know how many hardships I’ve endured in your service; now, on my arrival home, I wish to spend in freedom this one day after these many hardships.
EPIGNOMUS
You ask what’s just and right. Stlchus, you may take this day for yourself; I don’t object to it. Go where you like. A cask, too, of old wine, I give you to drink.
STICHUS
O, grand! I’ll have my mistress this day.
EPIGNOMUS
Even ten, so long as it is at your own expense
STICHUS
What * * * * ?
EPIGNOMUS
What * * * * ?
STICHUS
I’ll go and dine * * ’Tis thus it pleases me * * * * *
EPIGNOMUS
Where do you dine to-day?
STICHUS
This plan have I thus resolved upon. I have a mistress here in the neighbourhood, Stephanium, the servantmaid of your brother. I’m going to invite her; I’ll take her to a pic-nic entertainment at her fellow- servant’s, Sagarinus We both have the same mistress; we are rivals.
EPIGNOMUS
Come then, conduct them in. I grant you this day.
STICHUS
Hold me to blame if I don’t make the most of it. Troth now, I’ll pass through the garden to my mistress, to engage her beforehand for me this evening; at the same time I’ll give my contribution, and bid the dinner to be cooked at Sagarinus’s, or else I’ll go myself and make my marketing as caterer. Sagarinus, * * * * * * * a servant * * * for my * * * * * with stripes * * * * to take him home well thrashed, I’ll make all things to be in readiness here; but I’m delaying myself. And don’t you be surprised to the AUDIENCE that men, who are slaves, drink, court, and give invitations to dinner? This is allowed us at Athens. But when I think of it, rather than meet with censure, there’s here, too, another door to the back buildings of our house. I’ll go that way to market; by that way I’ll bring back the provisions — through the garden there’s a passage that communicates with both houses. To the SLAVES. Do you follow me this way. I surely will pull this day to bits. Goes into the house of EPIGNOMUS.
Enter GELASIMUS.
GELASIMUS
to himself . I’ve consulted my books; I’m as sure as possible, that by my funny bon mots I shall recover my patron. Now I’m going to see whether he has arrived by this from the harbour, that when he comes I may smooth him down with my speeches.
EPIGNOMUS
Surely, this is Gelasimus, the Parasite, that’s coming.
GELASIMUS
to himself . With lucky auspices, by my troth, this day did I come out of doors; since an omen auspiciously befel me. This was beheld by me; how a weasel carried off a mouse close at my feet. For as she found sustenance for herself this day, so do I hope that I shall do, as the augury predicts. Sees EPIGNOMUS. Surely this is Epignomus that’s standing here; I’ll go and address him. My dear Epignomus, how pleased I am to see you now; how my tears are starting forth for very joy. Have you all along enjoyed your health?
EPIGNOMUS
With care it has been preserved.
GELASIMUS
Right heartily I wish you health.
EPIGNOMUS
You speak kindly, and like a friend. May the Gods grant what you wish.
GELASIMUS
* * *
EPIGNOMUS
I, sup there with you?
GELASIMUS
Since you are returned safe.
EPIGNOMUS
Really, an engagement has been made already; but I give you thanks.
GELASIMUS
Do promise me.
EPIGNOMUS
It’s settled.
GELASIMUS
But do, I say.
EPIGNOMUS
The thing’s agreed on.
GELASIMUS
By my troth, you’d do it with much pleasure to me.
EPIGNOMUS
I know that well. When an opportunity shall come, it shall be so.
GELASIMUS
Now, then, is the opportunity.
EPIGNOMUS
I’ faith, I cannot.
GELASIMUS
Why make difficulties? Do consider; I have I know not what luxuries at hand.
EPIGNOMUS
Do be off, now; seek for yourself another guest for to-day.
GELASIMUS
You promise, then?
EPIGNOMUS
I would make no difficulty if I could.
GELASIMUS
Really, on my word, one thing, for sure, I Promise you, I’d entertain you with pleasure, beyond a doubt, if you would promise.
EPIGNOMUS
Adieu! Moving.
GELASIMUS
Have you resolved?
EPIGNOMUS
I have resolved. I shall dine at home.
GELASIMUS
aside . Since nothing has been effected this way, I’ll therefore approach him by a more open path, and I’ll speak plainly out. To EPIGNOMUS. Since you, yourself, are not willing to promise to come to me, should you like that I should come to dine with you?
EPIGNOMUS
If it were possible, I should like it; but here are nine other people coming to dine at my house.
GELASIMUS
For my part, I don’t ask that I should recline on the couch; you know that I’m a man for the lower seats.
EPIGNOMUS
But these are deputies of a people, tip-
top men they come here as public ambassadors from Ambracia.
GELASIMUS
Let then the deputies of a people, your tip-top men, recline at the tip-top place; I, the lowest, in the lowest quarter.
EPIGNOMUS
It isn’t proper for you to be entertained among deputies.
GELASIMUS
I ‘faith, and I — I’m a deputy, too, but little it does avail me.
EPIGNOMUS
I intend that to-morrow we shall dine upon the scraps. Sincerely, farewell. Goes into his house.
GELASIMUS
By my troth, ’tis clear that I’m undone, and by no fault of my owns. The number is less than it was before by one Gelasimus. I’m resolved, hereafter, never to believe in a weasel, for I know of no beast more uncertain than her. She who herself is ten times a day shifting her place, from her have I taken my omens in matters of life and death to me! I’m determined to call my friends together, to take counsel how by rule I must starve henceforth. (Exit.)
ACT IV.
Enter ANTIPHO and PAMPHILUS.
ANTIPHO
So may the Gods favour me, and preserve for me my daughters, it is a pleasure to me, Pamphilus, that I see you both return home to your native land, your business prosperously managed, yourself and your brother.
PAMPHILUS
I should have heard enough from you, Antipho, did I not see that you are friendly to me; now, since I’ve found that you are my friend, I’ll give you credence.
ANTIPHO
I would invite you to my house to dinner, had not your brother told me that you were going to dine at his house to-day, when he invited myself to his house to dinner. And it would have been more proper for me to give you an entertainment on your arrival, than to engage myself to him, were it not that I didn’t wish to disoblige him. Now I don’t wish with words alone to insinuate myself into your favour; to-morrow you shall be at my house, both you and he, with your wives.
PAMPHILUS
Then, the day after, at my house; for it was yesterday he invited me for to-day. But am I quite reconciled to you, Antipho?
ANTIPHO
Since you have thus thrived in your affairs, as it behoves yourselves and persons friendly disposed to wish, let there be good-will and intercourse between us. Take you care to think of this; according as wealth is obtained by each man, so does he experience his friends. If his fortunes are flourishing, so are his friends true; if his prospects decline, so, too, do his friends decline. Fortune finds friends. from his house.
EPIGNOMUS
to himself . I’m now returned. ’Tis a great delight, if you have been long from home, when you return home again, if no anxieties come in contact with your feelings. But, in my absence, so well has my wife taken care of my private affairs, that she has made me free and unembarrassed by anxieties. But, see, here’s my brother Pamphilus, walking with his father-in-law.