by Plautus
PHILTO
Troth, I am not able to refuse you anything that you; ask of me. Whose poverty do you wish to relieve? Speak out boldly to your father.
LYSITELES
That of this young man Lesbonicus, the son of Charmides, who lives there. He points to the house of CHARMIDES.
PHILTO
Why, hasn’t he devoured both what he had, and what he had not?
LYSITELES
Censure him not, my father: many things happen to a man which he likes, many, too, which he does not like.
PHILTO
Troth, you say falsely, son; and you are doing so now not according to your usual wont. For the prudent man, i’ faith, really frames his own fortunes for himself: many things, therefore, do not happen which he does not like, unless he is a bungling workman.
LYSITELES
Much labour is requisite for this workmanship in him who seeks to be a clever workman in fashioning his life — but he is still very young.
PHILTO
Not by years but by disposition is wisdom acquired. Age is the relish of wisdom — wisdom is the nutriment of old age. However, come, say what you wish now to give him.
LYSITELES
Nothing at all, father. Do you only not hinder me from accepting it if he should give anything to me.
PHILTO
And will you be relieving his poverty by that, if you shall accept anything of him?
LYSITELES
By that very means, my father.
PHILTO
Faith, I wish that you would instruct me in that method.
LYSITELES
Certainly. Do you know of what family he is born?
PHILTO
I know — of an extremely honourable one.
LYSITELES
He has a sister — a fine young woman now grown up: I wish, father, to take her without a portion for my wife.
PHILTO
A wife without a portion?
LYSITELES
Just so — your riches saved as well. By these means you will be conferring an extreme favour on him, and in no way could you help him to greater advantage.
PHILTO
Am I to suffer you to take a wife without a portion?
LYSITELES
You must suffer it, father; and by these means you will be giving an estimable character to our family.
PHILTO
I could give utterance to many a learned saying, and very fluently too: this old age of mine retains stories of old and ancient times. But, since I see that you are courting friendship and esteem for our family, although I have been opposed to you, I thus give my decision — I will permit you; ask for the girl, and marry her.
LYSITELES
May the Gods preserve you to me. But, to this favour add one thing.
PHILTO
But what is this one thing?
LYSITELES
I will tell you. Do you go to him, do you solicit him, and do you ask for her yourself.
PHILTO
Think of that now.
LYSITELES
You will transact it much more speedily: all will be made sure of that you do. One word of yours in this matter will be of more consequence than a hundred of mine.
PHILTO
See, now, how, in my kindness, I have undertaken this matter. My assistance shall be given.
LYSITELES
You really are a kind father. This is the house here he dwells. He points to the house of CHARMIDES. Lesbonicus is his name. Mind and attend to the business; I will await you at home. (Exit.)
PHILTO, alone.
PHILTO
These things are not for the best, nor as I think they ought to be; but still, they are better than that which is downright bad. But this one circumstance consoles myself and my thoughts-namely, that he who counsels in respect to a son nothing else but that which pleases himself alone, only plays the fool; he becomes wretched in mind, and yet he is no nearer bringing it about. He is preparing a very inclement winter for his own old age when he arouses that unseasonable storm. The door of the house of CHARMIDES opens. But the house is opened to which I was going; most conveniently, Lesbonicus himself is coming out of doors with his servant. PHILTO retires to a distance.
Enter LESBONICUS and STASIMUS.
LESBONICUS
’Tis less than fifteen days since you received from Callicles forty minæ for this house; is it not as I say, Stasimus?
STASIMUS
When I consider, I think I remember that it was so.
LESBONICUS
What has been done with it?
STASIMUS
It has been eaten and drunk up — spent away in unguents, washed away in baths. The fishmonger and the baker have carried it off: butchers, too, and cooks, green-grocers, perfumers, and poulterers; ’twas quickly consumed. I’ faith! that money was made away with not less speedily than if you were to throw a poppy among the ants.
LESBONICUS
By my troth, less has been spent on those items than six minæ?
STASIMUS
Besides, what have you given to your mistresses?
LESBONICUS
That I am including as well in it.
STASIMUS
Besides, what have I pilfered of it?
LESBONICUS
Aye, that item is a very heavy one.
STASIMUS
That cannot so appear to you, if you make all due deductions, unless you think that your money is everlasting. Aside. Too late and unwisely, — a caution that should have been used before, — after he has devoured his substance, he reckons up the account too late.
LESBONICUS
The account, however, of this money is by no means clear.
STASIMUS
I’ faith, the account is very clear: the money’s gone. Did you not receive forty minæ from Callicles, and did he not receive from you the house in possession?
LESBONICUS
Very good.
PHILTO
aside . Troth, I think our neighbour has sold his house. When his father shall come from abroad, his place is in the beggar’s gate, unless, perchance, he should creep into his son’s stomach.
STASIMUS
There were a thousand Olympic drachmæ paid to the banker, which you were owing upon account.
LESBONICUS
Those, I suppose, that I was security for?
STASIMUS
Say, rather, “Those that I paid down” — for that young man whom you used to say was so rich.
LESBONICUS
It was so done.
STASIMUS
Yes, just to be squandered away.
LESBONICUS
That was done as well. But I saw him in a pitiable state, and I did have pity on him.
STASIMUS
You have pity on others, and you have neither pity nor shame for yourself.
PHILTO
aside . ’Tis time to accost him.
LESBONICUS
Is this Philto that is coming here? Troth, ’tis he himself.
STASIMUS
I’ faith, I could wish he was my slave, together with his savings.
PHILTO
Philto right heartily wishes health to both master and servant, Lesbonicus and Stasimus.
LESBONICUS
May the Gods give you, Philto, whatever you may wish for. How is your son?
PHILTO
He wishes well to you.
LESBONICUS
In good sooth, he does for me what I do for him in return!
STASIMUS
aside . That phrase, “He wishes well,” is worthless, unless a person does well too. I, too, “wish” to be a free man; I wish in vain. He, perhaps, might wish to become frugal; he would wish to no purpose.
PHILTO
My son has sent me to you to propose an alliance and bond of friendship between himself and your family. He wishes to take your sister for his wife; and I have the same feelings, and I desire it.
LESBONICUS
I really don’t understand your ways; amid your prosperity you are laughing at my adversity.
PHILTO
I am a man: you are a man. So may Jupiter love me, I have neither come to laugh at you, nor do I think you deserving of it! But as to what I said, my son begged me to ask for your sister as his wife.
LESBONICUS
It is right that I should know the state of my own circumstances. My position is not on an equal footing with yours; seek some other alliance for yourselves.
STASIMUS
to LESBONICUS . Are you really sound in mind or intellect to refuse this proposal? For I perceive that he has been found for you a very friend in need.
LESBONICUS
Get away hence, and go hang yourself.
STASIMUS
Faith, if I should commence to go, you would be forbidding me.
LESBONICUS
Unless you want me, Philto, for anything else, I have given you my answer.
PHILTO
I trust, Lesbonicus, that you will one day be more obliging to me than I now find you to be. For both to act unwisely and to talk unwisely, Lesbonicus, are sometimes neither of them profitable.
STASIMUS
Troth, he says what’s true.
LESBONICUS
I will tear out your eye if you add one word.
STASIMUS
Troth, but I will talk; for if I may not be allowed to do so as I am, then I will submit to be called the one-eyed man.
PHILTO
Do you now say this, that your position and means are not on an equal footing with ours?
LESBONICUS
I do say so.
PHILTO
Well, suppose, now, you were to come to a building to a public banquet, and a wealthy man by chance were to come there as your neighbour. The banquet is set on table, one that they style a public one. Suppose that dainties were heaped up before him by his dependents, and suppose any-thing pleased you that was so heaped up before him, would you eat, or would you keep your place next to this wealthy man, going without your dinner?
LESBONICUS
I should eat, unless he were to forbid me doing so.
STASIMUS
But I, by my faith, even if he were to forbid me, would eat and cram with both cheeks stuffed out; and what pleased him, that, in especial, would I lay hold of beforehand; nor would I yield to him one jot of my very existence. At table it befits no one to be bashful; for there the decision is about things both divine and human.
PHILTO
You say what is the fact.
STASIMUS
I will tell you without any subterfuge: I would make place for him on the highway, on the footpath, in the canvass for public honors; but as to what concerns the stomach — by my troth, not this much shows the breadth of his finger-nail , unless he should first have thrashed me with his fists. With provisions at the present prices, a feast is a fortune without incumbrances.
PHILTO
Always, Lesbonicus, do you take care and think this, that that is the best, according as you yourself are the most deserving: if that you cannot attain to, at least be as near as possible to the most deserving. And now, Lesbonicus, I wish you to grant and accept these terms which I propose, and which I ask of you. The Gods are rich; wealth and station befit the Gods: but we poor mortal beings are, as it were, the salt-cellar for the salt of life. The moment that we have breathed forth this, the beggar is held of equal value at Acheron with the most wealthy man when dead.
STASIMUS
aside . It will be a wonder if you don’t carry your riches there with you. When you are dead, you may, perhaps, be as good as your name imports.
PHILTO
Now, that you may understand that position and means have no place here, and that we do not undervalue your alliance; I ask for your sister without a marriage-portion. May the matter turn out happily. Do I understand her to be promised? Why are you silent?
STASIMUS
O immortal Gods, what a proposal!
PHILTO
Why don’t you say, “May the Gods prosper it, I agree?”
STASIMUS
aside . Alas! when there was no advantage in the expression, he used to say, “I agree;” now, when there is advantage in it, he is not able to say so.
LESBONICUS
Since you think me, Philto, worthy of an alliance with you, I return you many thanks. But though this fortune of mine has sadly diminished through my folly, I have, Philto, a piece of land near the city here; that I will give as a portion to my sister: for, after all my follies, that alone, besides my existence, is left me.
PHILTO
Really I care nothing at all about a portion.
LESBONICUS
I am determined to give her one.
STASIMUS
whispers to LESBONICUS . And are you ready, master, to sever that nurse from us which is supporting us? Take care how you do it. What are we ourselves to eat in future?
LESBONICUS
to STASIMUS . Once more, will you hold your tongue? Am I to be rendered accountable to you?
STASIMUS
aside . We are evidently done for, unless I devise something or other. Philto, I want you. He remeoves to a distance, and beckons to PHILTO.
PHILTO
If you wish aught, Stasimus.
STASIMUS
Step a little this way.
PHILTO
By all means.
STASIMUS
I tell you this in secrecy, that neither he nor any one else may learn it of you.
PHILTO
Trust me boldly with anything you please.
STASIMUS
By Gods and men I warn you, not to allow that piece of land ever to become yours or your son’s. I’ll tell you my reasons for this matter.
PHILTO
Troth, I should like to hear them.
STASIMUS
First of all then, when at any time the ground is being ploughed, in every fifth furrow the oxen die.
PHILTO
Preserve me from it.
STASIMUS
The gate of Acheron is in that land of ours. Then the grapes, before they are ripe, hang in a putrid state.
LESBONICUS
in a low voice . He is persuading the man to something, I think. Although he is a rogue, still he is not unfaithful to me.
STASIMUS
Hear the rest. Besides that, when elsewhere the harvest of wheat is most abundant, there it comes up less by one-fourth than what you have sowed.
PHILTO
Ah! bad habits ought to be sown on that spot, if in the sowing they can be killed.
STASIMUS
And never is there any person to whom that piece of land belongs, but that his affairs turn out most unfortunate. Of those to whom it has belonged, some have gone away in banishment; some are dead outright; some, again, have hanged themselves. See this man, now, to whom it belongs, how he has been brought to a regular backgammoned state.
PHILTO
Preserve me from this piece of land.
STASIMUS
“Preserve me from it,” you would say still more, if you were to hear everything from me. For there every other tree has been blasted with lightning; the hogs die there most shockingly of inflammation in the throat; the sheep are scabby, as bare of all wool, see, as is this hand of mine. And then, besides, there is not one of the Syrian natives, a race which is the most hardy of men, who could exist there for six months; so surely do all die there of the solstitial fever.
PHILTO
I believe, Stasimus, that it is so; but the Campanian race much outdoes that of the Syrians in hardiness. But, really, that piece of land, as I have heard you describe it, is one to which it were proper for all wicked men to be sent for the public good. Just as they tell of the Islands of the Blest, where all meet together who have passed their lives uprightly: on the other hand, it seems proper that all evildoers should be packed off there, since it is a place of such a character.
STASIMUS
’Tis a very receptacle of calamity. What need is there of many words? Look for any bad thing whatsoever, there you may find it.
PHILTO
But, i’ faith, you may find it there and elsewhere too.
STASIMUS
Please, take care not to say that I told you of this.
PHILTO
You have told it me in perfect secrecy.
STASIMUS
For he, indeed pointing at LESBONICUS , wishes it to be got rid of from himself, if he can find any one to impose upon about it.
PHILTO
I’ faith, this land shall never become my property.
STASIMUS
Aye, if you keep in your senses. Aside. I’ faith, I have cleverly frightened the old fellow away from this land; for, if my master had parted with it, there is nothing for us to live upon.
PHILTO
Lesbonicus, I now return to you.
LESBONICUS
Tell me, if you please, what has he been saying to you?
PHILTO
What do you suppose? He is a man; he wishes to become a free man, but he has not the money to give.
LESBONICUS
And I wish to be rich, but all in vain.
STASIMUS
aside . You might have been, if you had chosen; now, since you have nothing, you cannot be.
LESBONICUS
What are you talking about to yourself, Stasimus?
STASIMUS
About that which you were saying just now: if you had chosen formerly, you might have been rich; now you are wishing too late.
PHILTO
No terms can be come to with me about the marriage-portion; whatever pleases you, do you transact it yourself with my son. Now, I ask for your sister for my son; and may the matter turn out well. What now? are you still considering?
LESBONICUS
What — about that matter? Since you will have it so — may the Gods prosper it — I promise her.
PHILTO
Never, by my troth, was a son born so ardently longed for by any one, as was that expression “I promise her,” when born for me.
STASIMUS
The Gods will prosper all your plans.
PHILTO
So I wish. Come this way with me, Lesbonicus, that a day may be agreed on for the nuptials, in the presence of Lysiteles: this agreement we will ratify on that same day. (Exit PHILTO.)
LESBONICUS
Now, Stasimus, go you there points to the house which he has sold to CALLICLES to the house of Callicles, to my sister; tell her how this matter has been arranged.
STASIMUS
I will go.