Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  MEGARONIDES

  Will you be silent now? Reasons innumerable may be found for that circumstance. That which he used to have he has lost, and he has since had another new one made. Then, if he should bring them not sealed at all, this might be said, — that they had been unsealed for him by the custom-house officers, and had been examined. On matters of this kind, however, ’tis mere idleness to spend the day in talk; although a long discussion might be spun out. Go now, at once, privately to the treasure; send to a distance the men-servants and the maids; and — do you hear?

  CALLICLES

  What is it?

  MEGARONIDES

  Take care that you conceal this matter from that same wife of yours as well; for, i’ faith, there is never any subject which they can be silent upon. Why are you standing now? Why don’t you take yourself off hence, and bestir yourself? Open the treasure, take thence as much gold as is requisite for this purpose; at once close it up again, but secretly, as I have enjoined you; turn all out of the house.

  CALLICLES

  I will do so.

  MEGARONIDES

  But, really, we are continuing too long a discourse; we are wasting the day, whereas there is need now of all expedition. There is nothing for you to fear about the seal; trust me for that. This is a clever excuse to give, as I mentioned, that they have been looked at by the officers. In fine, don’t you see the time of day? What do you think of him being of such a nature and disposition? He is drunk already; anything you like may be proved for him. Besides, what is the greatest point of all, this person will say that he brings, and not that he applies for, money.

  CALLICLES

  Now, that’s enough.

  MEGARONIDES

  I am now going to hire a sharper from the Forum, and then I will seal the two letters; and I’ll send him thither pointing to the house of CHARMIDES , well tutored in his part, to this young man.

  CALLICLES

  I am going in-doors then to my duty in consequence. Do you see about this matter.

  MEGARONIDES

  I’ll take care it’s done in the very cleverest style. (Exeunt.)

  ACT IV.

  Enter CHARMIDES.

  CHARMIDES

  To Neptune, potent o’er the deep and most powerful, the brother of æthereal Jove, joyously and sincerely do I proffer praise, and return my grateful thanks; to the salt waves, too, with whom lay supreme power over myself, — one, too, that existed over my property and my life, — inasmuch as from their realms they have returned me safe and sound even to my own native city. And, Neptune, before the other Deities, do I both give and return to you extreme thanks. For all people talk of you as being cruel and severe, of voracious habits, filthy, unsightly, unendurable, and outrageous; on the other hand, I have experienced your kindly aid. For, in good sooth, I have found you mild and merciful upon the deep, even to that degree that I wished. This commendation, too, I had already heard with these ears before of you among men, — that you were accustomed to spare the poor, and to depress and overawe the rich. Adieu! I commend you; you know how to treat men properly, according as is just. This is worthy of the Gods; they should ever prove benignant to the needy; to men of high station, quite otherwise. Trusty have you proved, though they are in the habit of saying that you cannot be trusted. For, without you, it would have happened, I am very sure, that on the deep your attendants would have shockingly torn in pieces and rent asunder wretched me, and, together with me, my property as well, in every direction throughout the azure surface of ocean. But just now, like raging dogs, and no otherwise, did the winds in hurricane beset the ship; storms and waves, and raging squalls were about to roar, to break the mast, to bear down the yards, to split the sails; had not your favouring kindness been nigh at hand. Have done with me, if you please; henceforth have I now determined to give myself up to ease; enough have I got. With what pains have I struggled, while I was acquiring riches for my son. But who is this that is coming up the street with his new-fangled garb and appearance? I’ faith, though I wish to be at home, I’ll wait awhile; at the same time, I will give my attention to see what business this fellow is about. He retires aside.

  Enter the SHARPER.

  A SHARPER.

  To this day I give the name of “The Festival of the Three Pieces” (Trinummus); for, on this day, have I let out my services in a cheating scheme for three pieces of money. I am just arrived from Seleucia, Macedonia, Asia, and Arabia, — places which I never visited either with my eye or with my foot. See now, what business poverty brings upon the man that is wretchedly destitute; inasmuch as I am now obliged, for the sake of three pieces of money, to say that I received these letters from a certain person, about whom I don’t know, nor have I ever known, who the man is, nor do I know this for certain, whether he was ever born or not.

  CHARMIDES

  behind . Faith, this fellow’s surely of the mushroom genus; he covers himself entirely with his top. The countenance of the fellow appears to be Illyrian; he comes, too, in that garb.

  A SHARPER.

  He who hired me, when he had hired me, took me to his house; he told me what he wanted to be done; he taught and showed me beforehand how I was to do everything. If, then, I should add anything more, my employer will on that account the better forward his plan through me. As he dressed me out, so am I now equipped; his money did that. He himself borrowed my costume, at his own risk, from the theatrical wardrobe; if I shall be able, now, to impose on this man through my garb, I will give him occasion clearly to find that I am a very trickster.

  CHARMIDES

  behind . The more I look at him, the less does the appearance of the fellow please me. ’Tis a wonder if that fellow there is not either a night-robber or a cutpurse. He is viewing the locality; he is looking around him and surveying the houses; troth, I think he is reconnoitring the spot for him to come and rob bye and bye. I have a still greater desire to watch what he is about: I’ll give attention to this matter.

  A SHARPER.

  This employer of mine pointed out these localities to me; at this house are my devices to be put in practice. I’ll knock at the door.

  CHARMIDES

  behind . Surely this fellow is making in a straight line for my house; i’ faith, I think I shall have to keep watch this night of my arrival.

  A SHARPER.

  knocks at the door of the house of CHARMIDES . Open this door! — open it! Hallo, there! who now has the care of this door?

  CHARMIDES

  coming up to him . Young man, what do you want? hat is it you wish? Why are you knocking at this door?

  A SHARPER.

  Eh! old gentleman; I am inquiring here for a young man named Lesbonicus, where in this quarter he lives — and likewise for another person, with such white hairs on his head as yours; he that gave me these letters said his name was Callicles.

  CHARMIDES

  aside . In fact, this fellow is looking for my own son Lesbonicus and my friend Callicles, to whom I entrusted both my children and my property.

  A SHARPER.

  Let me know, respected sir, if you are acquainted with it, where these persons live.

  CHARMIDES

  Why are you inquiring for them? Or who are you? — Or whence are you? — Or whence do you cone?

  A SHARPER.

  I gave the return correctly to the Censor, when I was questioned by him ——

  CHARMIDES

  * * * *

  A SHARPER.

  You ask a number of things in the same breath; I know not which in especial to inform you upon. If you will ask each thing singly, and in a quiet manner, I’ll both let you know my name, and my business, and my travels.

  CHARMIDES

  I’ll do as you desire. Come then; in the first place, tell me your name.

  A SHARPER.

  You begin by demanding an arduous task.

  CHARMIDES

  How so?

  A SHARPER.

  Because, respected sir, if you were to begin befor
e daylight, i’ faith, to commence at the first part of my name, ’twould be the dead of the night before you could get to the end of it.

  CHARMIDES

  According to your story, a person should have a long journey’s provision crammed tightly in for your name.

  A SHARPER.

  I have another name somewhat less, — about the size of a wine-casks.

  CHARMIDES

  What is this name of yours, young man?

  A SHARPER.

  “Hush,” that’s my name; that’s my every-day one.

  CHARMIDES

  I’ faith, ’tis a scampish name; just as though you were to say, “Hush,” if I were confiding anything to you, and then it is at an end forthwith. Aside. This fellow is evidently a sharper. What say you, young man —— ?

  A SHARPER.

  What is it now?

  CHARMIDES

  Speak out; what do these persons owe you whom you are seeking?

  A SHARPER.

  The father of this young man, Lesbonicus, delivered to me these two letters; he is a friend of mine.

  CHARMIDES

  aside . I have now caught him in the fact; he says that I gave him the letters. I will have some fine sport with the fellow.

  A SHARPER.

  As I have begun, if you will give attention, I will say on.

  CHARMIDES

  I’ll give you my attention.

  A SHARPER.

  He bade me give this letter to his son, Lesbonicus, and this other one, as well, he bade me give to his friend Callicles.

  CHARMIDES

  aside . Troth, but since he is acting the impostor, I, on the other hand, have an inclination to act the cheat as well. Where was he himself?

  A SHARPER.

  He was carrying on his business prosperously.

  CHARMIDES

  But where?

  A SHARPER.

  At Seleucia.

  CHARMIDES

  * * * * * And did you receive these from himself?

  A SHARPER.

  With his own hands he himself delivered them into my hands.

  CHARMIDES

  Of what appearance is this person?

  A SHARPER.

  He is a person somewhere about half a foot taller than you.

  CHARMIDES

  aside . This is an odd matter, if in fact I am taller when absent than when present. Do you know this person?

  A SHARPER.

  You are asking me a ridiculous question; together with him I was in the habit of taking my meals.

  CHARMIDES

  What is his name?

  A SHARPER.

  One, i’ faith, that belongs to an honorable man.

  CHARMIDES

  I would like to hear it.

  A SHARPER.

  Troth, his name hesitating — his — his — Aside. Woe to unfortunate me.

  CHARMIDES

  What’s the matter?

  A SHARPER.

  Unguardedly, I this moment swallowed the name.

  CHARMIDES

  I like not the man that has his friends shut up within his teeth.

  A SHARPER.

  And yet this moment ’twas dwelling on the very edge of my lips.

  CHARMIDES

  aside . I’ve come to-day in good time before this fellow.

  A SHARPER.

  aside . To my sorrow I’m caught in the fact.

  CHARMIDES

  Have you now recollected the name?

  A SHARPER.

  ‘Fore Gods and men, i’ faith, I’m ashamed of myself

  CHARMIDES

  See, now, how well you know this man.

  A SHARPER.

  As well as my own self. This is in the habit of happening: the thing you are holding in your hand, and seeing with your eyes, that same you are looking for as lost. I’ll recollect it letter by letter. C is the beginning of the name.

  CHARMIDES

  Is it Callias?

  A SHARPER.

  No: it isn’t that.

  CHARMIDES

  Callippus?

  A SHARPER.

  It isn’t that.

  CHARMIDES

  Callidemides?

  A SHARPER.

  It isn’t that.

  CHARMIDES

  Callinicus?

  A SHARPER.

  No: it isn’t that.

  CHARMIDES

  Or is it Callimachus?

  A SHARPER.

  ’Tis in vain you suggest; and, i’ faith, I really don’t care one fillip about it, since I recollect enough myself for my own purpose.

  CHARMIDES

  But there are many people here of the name of Lesbonicus; unless you tell me the name of his father, I cannot show you these persons whom you are looking for. What is it like? Perhaps we can find it out by guessing.

  A SHARPER.

  It is something like this: Char ——

  CHARMIDES

  Chares? Or Charicles? Or is it Charmides?

  A SHARPER.

  Ah! that’s he; may the Deities confound him.

  CHARMIDES

  I have said to you once before already * * * * that it is proper for you rather to speak well of a man that is your friend, than to curse him.

  A SHARPER.

  Isn’t it the fact that this most worthless fellow has lain perdu between my lips and my teeth?

  CHARMIDES

  Don’t you be cursing an absent friend.

  A SHARPER.

  Why, then, did this most rascally fellow hide himself away from me?

  CHARMIDES

  If you had only called him, he would have answered to his name. But where is he himself now?

  A SHARPER.

  Troth, I left him at Rhadama, in the isle of Apeland.

  CHARMIDES

  * * * * * aside . What person is there a greater simpleton than I, who myself am making inquiries where I am? But it is by no means unimportant to this present purpose. What do you say as —— ?

  A SHARPER.

  What now?

  CHARMIDES

  I ask you this. What places have you visited?

  A SHARPER.

  Places exceedingly wonderful in astonishing ways.

  CHARMIDES

  I should like to hear about them, unless it is inconvenient.

  A SHARPER.

  Really I quite long to tell you. First of all we were conveyed to Pontus, to the land of Arabia.

  CHARMIDES

  How now; is Arabia then in Pontus?

  A SHARPER.

  It is. Not that Arabia where frankincense is produced, but where the wormwood grows, and the wild marjoram which the poultry love.

  CHARMIDES

  aside . An extremely ingenious knave this. But the greater simpleton I, to be asking of this fellow from what place I have come back, a thing which I know, and he does not know; except that I have a mind to try how he will get out of it at last. But what say you further? Whither did you go next from thence?

  A SHARPER.

  If you give me your attention, I will tell you. To the source of the river which arises out of the heavens, from beneath the throne of Jupiter.

  CHARMIDES

  Beneath the throne of Jupiter?

  A SHARPER.

  Yes: I say so.

  CHARMIDES

  Out of the heavens?

  A SHARPER.

  Aye, out of the very middle.

  CHARMIDES

  How now; and did you ascend even to the heavens?

  A SHARPER.

  Yes: we were carried in a little skiff right on, up the river, against the tide.

  CHARMIDES

  And did you see Jupiter as well?

  A SHARPER.

  The other Gods said that he had gone to his country-house, to dole out the victuals for his slaves. Then, after that ——

  CHARMIDES

  Then after that — I don’t want you to relate anything more.

  A SHARPER.

  Troth, I’m silent, if it�
��s troublesome.

  CHARMIDES

  Why, no decent person ought to tell it, who has gone from the earth to heaven.

  A SHARPER.

  I’ll leave you, as I see you wish it. But point me out these persons whom I am looking for, and to whom I must deliver these letters.

  CHARMIDES

  What say you? If now perchance you were to see Charmides himself, him, I mean, who you say gave you these letters, would you know the man?

  A SHARPER.

  By my troth now, do you take me to be a brute beast, who really am not able to recognise the person with whom I have been spending my life? And would he have been such a fool as to entrust to me a thousand Philippean pieces, which gold he bade me carry to his son, and to his friend Callicles, to whom he said that he had entrusted his affairs? Would he have entrusted them to me if he had not known me, and I him, very intimately?

  CHARMIDES

  aside . I really have a longing now to swindle this swindler, if I can cozen him out of these thousand Philippean pieces which he has said that I have given to him. A person, that I know not who he is, and have never beheld him with my eyes before this day, should I be entrusting gold to him? A man, to whom, if his life were at stake, I would not entrust a dump of lead. This fellow must be adroitly dealt with by me. Hallo! Mister Hush, I want three words with you.

  A SHARPER.

  Even three hundred, if you like.

  CHARMIDES

  Have you that gold which you received from Charmides?

  A SHARPER.

  Yes, and Philippeans, too, counted out on the table with his own hand, a thousand pieces.

  CHARMIDES

  You received it, you mean, from Charmides himself?

  A SHARPER.

  ‘Twere a wonder if I had received it of his father, or of his grandfather, who are dead.

  CHARMIDES

  Then, young man, hand me over this gold.

  A SHARPER.

  staring at him . What gold am I to give you?

  CHARMIDES

  That which you have owned you received from me.

  A SHARPER.

  Received from you?

  CHARMIDES

  Yes, I say so.

  A SHARPER.

  Who are you?

  CHARMIDES

  I am Charmides, who gave you the thousand pieces of money.

  A SHARPER.

  I’ faith, you are not he; and this day, you never shall be he, for this gold, at any rate. Away with you, if you please, you impostor! Aside. You are trying to cheat the cheater.