by Plautus
ASTAPHIUM
to herself . Upon my faith, if this fellow were living on mustard, I don’t think he could possibly be as snappish. But, i’ troth, how much a well-wisher to his master he is. Still, although he is a savage, I trust that he can be changed by coaxing, allurements, and other arts of the courtesan. I’ve seen a horse from unruly become tamed, and other brutes as well. Now I’ll go back to see my mistress. But see, my plague’s coming out. The door of PHRONESIUM’S house is opened. He’s coming out with a sad air; he hasn’t even yet had a meeting with Phronesium.
Enter DINARCHUS, from PHRONESIUM’S house.
DINARCHUS
I do believe that the fishes, that are always bathing as long as they live, do not take so long in bathing as this Phronesium does in bathing. If women could be loved on as long as they take in bathing, all lovers would be becoming bath-keepers.
ASTAPHIUM
Can’t you endure waiting for a short time even?
DINARCHUS
Why, ‘pon my faith, I’m wretchedly tired with waiting already.
ASTAPHIUM
I, as well, shall be obliged to go bathe from weariness
DINARCHUS
But, i’ faith, Astaphium, prithee do go in-doors and tell her that I’m here. Do go at once, and persuade her that she has bathed long enough by this.
ASTAPHIUM
Very well. Going. DIN. And do you hear as well?
ASTAPHIUM
What do you want? Comes back. DIN. May the Gods confound me for calling you back. I had nothing to say to you, only do be off.
ASTAPHIUM
Why did you call me back then, you worthless and good-for-nothing fellow? A delay to me which has produced fully a mile’s delay to you. Goes into the house of PHRONESIUM.
DINARCHUS
to himself. But yet why was she standing here so long before the house? Some one, I don’t know who, she certainly was waiting for; the Captain, I suppose. That’s it; see now, how, just like vultures, a whole three days beforehand they foresee on what day they are to have a feast. They’re all agape for him; on him are all their minds fixed. No one will be giving any more attention to myself, when he comes, than if I had been dead two hundred years ago. How delightful a thing it is to keep one’s money! Ah wretched me! after it’s done I’m punished, who lost what I once had. But now, if any great and splendid fortune should chance to fall to my lot, now, after I know it, what sweets and what bitters come of money, by my troth, I’d so keep it, I’d live in a manner so sparing, that —— in a few days I’d make there to be none at all. I’d then confute those who now censure me. But I perceive that this tide-like door is opening the door of PHRONESIUM’S house is opened , which sucks up whatever comes within its bolts.
Enter PHRONESIUM, from her house.
PHRONESIUM
Please now, is my door apt to bite, that you are afraid to come in, my love?
DINARCHUS
aside. Behold the spring! How all blooming it is! how fragrantly does it smell! how brightly does it shine.
PHRONESIUM
Why so ill-mannered, as not, on your arrival from Lemnos, to give a kiss to your mistress, my Dinarchus?
DINARCHUS
aside . O dear, by my troth, I’m being punished now, and most terribly ——
PHRONESIUM
Why do you turn yourself away?
DINARCHUS
My greetings to you, Phronesium.
PHRONESIUM
Greetings to you as well. Will you dine here to-day, as you’ve arrived in safety?
DINARCHUS
I’m engaged.
PHRONESIUM
Where will you dine then?
DINARCHUS
Wherever you request me; here.
PHRONESIUM
You’ll give me pleasure by doing so. They take their places at a collation spread before the house.
DINARCHUS
I’ troth, myself still more. You’ll give me your company to-day, I suppose, my Phronesium?
PHRONESIUM
If it could possibly be done, I would.
DINARCHUS
Give me my shoes then — make haste, remove the table.
PHRONESIUM
Are you in your senses, pray?
DINARCHUS
By heavens, I cannot drink now; so sick at heart am I.
PHRONESIUM
Stay; something shall be done. Don’t go.
DINARCHUS
Ah, you’ve refreshed me with cold water! My senses have now returned. Take off my shoes; give me something to drink.
PHRONESIUM
By my faith, you are just the same that you used to be. But tell me, have you sped successfully?
DINARCHUS
I’ troth, successfully enough, indeed, hither to you, inasmuch as I enjoy the opportunity of seeing you.
PHRONESIUM
Embrace me then.
DINARCHUS
With pleasure. He embraces her.) Oil, this is honey sweeter than sweet honey In this, Jove, my fortune does exceed thine own!
PHRONESIUM
Won’t you give me a kiss?
DINARCHUS
Aye, ten even. Kisses her.
PHRONESIUM
You are not niggardly in that. You promise more than I ask of you. Turns away her head.
DINARCHUS
I only wish that from the first I had been as sparing of my property, as you are now thrifty of your kisses.
PHRONESIUM
If I could possibly cause you any saving, i’ troth, I could wish it done.
DINARCHUS
Have you bathed then?
PHRONESIUM
I’ troth, indeed I have then, to my own satisfaction and that of my eyes. Do I seem to be loathsome to you?
DINARCHUS
I’ faith, not to myself indeed; but I remember that there was once a time when between ourselves we were loathsome, the one to the other. But what doing of yours is this I’ve heard upon my arrival? What new matter have you been scheming here in my absence?
PHRONESIUM
Why, what is it?
DINARCHUS
In the first place, that you’ve been blessed with children, and that you’ve safely got over it, I’m delighted.
PHRONESIUM
to some ATTENDANTS near the door . Go you away from there into the house, and shut the door. They go in, and shut the door. You now alone are left to be present at my communication; to you I’ve ever entrusted my designs. For my own part, I’ve neither had any child nor have I been pregnant; but I’ve pretended that I was pregnant; I wasn’t though.
DINARCHUS
For what reason, O my life?
PHRONESIUM
On account of a Babylonian Captain, who kept me as though his wife for a year, while he was here.
DINARCHUS
That I knew. But what means this? For what purpose was your design in pretending this?
PHRONESIUM
That there might be a certain bond and tie for him to be returning to me again. Now he has lately sent me a letter hither, that he’ll make trial how much I value him. If I should raise and bring up the child which I should bear, that then I should have all his property.
DINARCHUS
I listen with pleasure. In fine, what is it you are contriving?
PHRONESIUM
My mother ordered the servant-maids, since now the tenth month is arriving close at hand, each to go in some different direction, to seek out and bespeak a boy or a girl, to be passed off as my own. Why need I make many words? You know Syra, the female hair-dresser, who now lives hard by our house?
DINARCHUS
I know her.
PHRONESIUM
She, with the utmost care, went about among the families, and secretly found out a child, and brought it to me. She said it was given to her.
DINARCHUS
O shocking traffic! She then hasn’t borne this child who at first did bear it, but you who come afterwards.
P
HRONESIUM
You have the whole matter in its order. Now, as the Captain has sent a message before to me, he’ll be here no long time hence.
DINARCHUS
Now, in the mean time, you are treating yourself here as though one who had just lain in?
PHRONESIUM
Why not, when, without trouble, the matter can be nicely managed? It’s proper that every one should be alive at his own trade.
DINARCHUS
What’s to become of me when the Captain comes? Forsaken, can I live without you?
PHRONESIUM
When I’ve got from him that which I want, I shall easily find a way how to create discord and a separation between us; after that, my delight, I shall be always at your side.
DINARCHUS
Aye, faith, but I’d rather it were at my couch.
PHRONESIUM
Moreover, I wish to sacrifice to-day to the Deities for the child, on this the fifth day, as is proper to be done.
DINARCHUS
I think you ought.
PHRONESIUM
Can’t you venture to give me some trifling present?
DINARCHUS
Upon my faith, my delight, I seem to be making a gain for myself when you ask anything of me.
PHRONESIUM
aside . And I, when I’ve got it.
DINARCHUS
I’ll take care it shall be here just now. I’ll send my servant hither.
PHRONESIUM
Do so.
DINARCHUS
But whatever it shall be, do take it in good part.
PHRONESIUM
I troth, I’m sure that you’ll give all attention to your present, of which I shan’t be ashamed so long as you send it to me.
DINARCHUS
Do you wish anything else of me?
PHRONESIUM
That, when you have leisure, you’ll come again to see me.
DINARCHUS
Fare you well.
PHRONESIUM
Farewell. Goes into her house.
DINARCHUS
to himself . O immortal Gods! ‘twere the part not of a woman in love, but of a partner of kindred feelings and confiding, to do what she just now has done for me, in disclosing to me the palming of the child upon the Captain, — a thing that a sister entrusts not to her own born sister. She discloses herself now to me from her very soul, that she will never prove faithless to me so long as she exists. Ought I not to love her? Ought I not to wish her well? I’ll rather not love myself, than that love should be wanting for her. Shall I not send her a present? This instant, then, I’ll order five minæ to be brought to her from my house, besides catering to the amount of a mina at least. Much rather shall kindness be shown to her who wishes kindly to me, than to myself, who do every mischief to myself. (Exit.)
Enter PHRONESIUM, from her house.
PHRONESIUM
speaking at the door to the SERVANTS within . Give the breast to that child. To herself, coming forward. How wretchedly and anxiously are mothers distressed in mind. I’ faith, ’twas craftily contrived; and when I revolve this matter in my mind, we are accounted to be much less artful than we naturally are in disposition. I’m now speaking of what, but lately, for the first time, I’ve been taught at home; how great is my anxiety of mind, what pangs I do feel in my heart, lest through the death of the child the plot should fail. Because I’m styled its mother, for that reason am I the more anxious for its life, who have ventured thus secretly to attempt a stratagem so great. In my avarice, for the sake of gain, have I entered on this disgraceful scheme; the pangs of others have I falsely shammed for myself. You must attempt nothing by craftiness, unless you would carry it out with cunning and with care. To the AUDIENCE. You yourselves now see in what garb I go; I’m now pretending that I’m an invalid from having lain in. A thing that a woman attempts to do in fraud, unless she is perfect in carrying it out, that same is as bad as disease to her, that same is as bad as old age to her, that to her, wretched creature, is wretchedness: if she begins to do what’s right, soon does weariness of it overtake her. How very few are tired who have commenced to do what’s wrong; how very few carry it out, if they have commenced to do anything aright. To a female it is a much less burden to do bad than good. In that I’m an artful one, through the agency of my mother and my own artful disposition am I artful, who have thus feigned to the Babylonian Captain that I am pregnant. I wish now the Captain may find this artful plot concocted well. He’ll be here no long time hence, I suppose; forewarned of that I’m now forearmed, and I’m wearing this garb, as though I had just lain in in pregnancy. Calls to the SERVANTS within. Bring me hither some myrrh and fire for the altar, that I may pay adoration to my Lucina. They bring it. Place it here pointing to an altar near the door , and go out of my sight. Ho there! Pithecium, help me to lay me down. Come hither; thus is it proper to help one who has just lain in. A couch is brought in by ASTAPHIUM and two HANDMAIDS, and she lays herself down. Take off my sandals; throw a coverlet here over me, Archylis. Astaphium, where are you? Bring me hither, holy herbs, frankincense, and sweetmeats. Bring water for my hands. The SERVANTS go and fetch the things as ordered. Now, i’ faith, I could wish that the Captain should come. The SERVANTS stand aside.
Enter STRATOPHANES, at a distance, followed by a SERVANT and several FEMALE SLAVES.
STRATOPHANES
to the AUDIENCE . Don’t you be expecting, Spectators, that I should recount my combats; with my hands in battle I’m wont to recount them, and not in words. I know that many a soldier have told lies; both the Homeric poetlings, and a thousand others besides them could be named, who have been both convicted and condemned for their sham battles. He’s not to be commended who trusts another any further than he sees. It pleases me not when those commend more who hear than those who see; of more value is one eye-witness than ten hearsays. Those who hear, speak of what they’ve heard; those who see, know beyond mistake. I like him not whom the town-gossips are praising, and the men of his maniple are mum about; nor yet those whose tongues at home make blunt the edge of our swords. The valiant are much more serviceable to the public than the eloquent and skilled. Valour easily finds for itself a fluent eloquence; without valour, for my own part, I esteem an eloquent citizen as a hired mourner, who praises other people, but can’t do the same for herself. Now, after ten months, am I come to Athens of Attica to see my mistress, how she gets on, whom I left pregnant by my embrace.
PHRONESIUM
raising herself on the couch, and speaking to ASTAPHIUM . See who’s talking.
ASTAPHIUM
coming forward, and looking about . The Captain’s now close at hand, my mistress Phronesium: Stratophanes is coming to you. In a low voice. Now is it requisite for you to pretend yourself an invalid.
PHRONESIUM
in a low voice . Hold your tongue. What, the plague, de I want you for as an adviser in this matter? Is it possible to excel myself in craftiness?
STRATOPHANES
to himself . Madam’s brought to bed, as I fancy.
ASTAPHIUM
it a low voice . Would you like me to accost the gentleman?
PHRONESIUM
I wish you. ASTAPHIUM moves forward.
STRATOPHANES
O delightful! Why, see, here’s Astaphium coming to meet me.
ASTAPHIUM
affecting surprise . By all the powers! welcome to you, Stratophanes, that you’re safe arrived ——
STRATOPHANES
I know it all. But, prithee, has Phronesium been brought to bed?
ASTAPHIUM
She has been delivered of a very fine boy.
STRATOPHANES
Is it like me at all?
ASTAPHIUM
Do you ask the question? Why, the moment it was born, it asked for a sabre and shield for itself.
STRATOPHANES
It’s my own; I know it at once from the proofs.
ASTAPHIUM
Indeed it is extremely like you.
&nbs
p; STRATOPHANES
Ye Gods above! Is it of full growth already? Has it already chosen some army which it intends to plunder?
ASTAPHIUM
Why really, it was only born five days ago.
STRATOPHANES
What then, after it was born? After so many days, i’ faith, something really ought by this time to have been done. What business had it to leave the womb before it could go forth to battle?
ASTAPHIUM
Follow me, and wish her joy, and congratulate her.
STRATOPHANES
I follow. They move to the other side of the stage.
PHRONESIUM
in a faint voice . Prithee, where is she who has left me here and forsaken me? AST. I’m here; I’m bringing you Stratophanes, so much longed for by you.
PHRONESIUM
Prithee, where is he?
STRATOPHANES
going close to the couch . Mars, on his arrival from abroad, salutes Neriene his spouse. Since you’ve well got over it, and since you’ve been blest with offspring, I congratulate you in that you have given birth to a great glory to me and to yourself.
PHRONESIUM
Welcome to you, you who have almost deprived me of life and light; and who have, for your own gratification, centred in my body the cause of great anguish, with the pangs of which I’m even now dreadfully afflicted.
STRATOPHANES
Well, well; not to your misfortune, my love, do these pains befall you. You’ve brought forth a son who’ll be filling your house with plunder.
PHRONESIUM
By the powers, there’s very much greater need to have our granaries well filled with wheat; lest, before he takes the plunder, hunger should be putting an end to us here.
STRATOPHANES
Be of good heart.
PHRONESIUM
Do, please, take a kiss from me here. I cannot lift up my head; such pain I’ve felt, and in such pain I now am; and I cannot as yet, of my own strength, walk upon my feet.
STRATOPHANES
stooping down, and kissing her . If, right from the middle of the sea, you were to order me to take a kiss from you, I would not hesitate to fetch it, my sweet. You’ve experienced it already so to be; and now shall you experience it, my Phronesium, that I do dote upon you. Pointing to a distance behind him. See there, I’ve brought you two female slaves from Syria; I present you with them. To a SERVANT behind him. Do you bring those women this way. Now, these were both of them queens at their own homes; but with my own hand I laid waste their country, I present you with them. Handing them forward to her.