by Plautus
O dear, you’re teazing wretched me to death, whoever you are. Runs on.
DINARCHUS
Worst of women, stop.
ASTAPHIUM
Best of men, go on; you are troublesome. Turns round. Is that Dinarchus? Why, it is he.
DINARCHUS
He’s going to your house; and do you give me your hand holding out his in return, and walk together with me.
ASTAPHIUM
I am your servant, and am obedient to your command. Gives her hand.
DINARCHUS
Yourself, how are you?
ASTAPHIUM
I’m well, and am holding by the hand one who’s well. Since you’ve arrived from abroad, a dinner must be given.
DINARCHUS
You speak obligingly.
ASTAPHIUM
But, prithee, do let me go whither she ordered me. Withdrawing her hand.
DINARCHUS
lets go her hand . Be off then. But how say you- -?
ASTAPHIUM
What do you want?
DINARCHUS
He, that you are on your road to, who is it that you’re going to fetch?
ASTAPHIUM
Achiva, the midwife.
DINARCHUS
You are an artful damsel.
ASTAPHIUM
I’m as usual then; that’s my practice.
DINARCHUS
You deceitful hussy, I’ve caught you detected in a lie.
ASTAPHIUM
How so, pray?
DINARCHUS
Because you said that you were going to bring “his own self,” and not “herself.” A woman, then, has been made out of a man. You are an artful one.
ASTAPHIUM
A conjurer!
DINARCHUS
But, pray, tell me, Astaphium who is this person? A new lover?
ASTAPHIUM
I think that you are a gentleman too much at his ease.
DINARCHUS
Why now do you think so?
ASTAPHIUM
Because you trouble yourself about things that don’t concern your own clothing and food.
DINARCHUS
It’s yourselves have made me a gentleman at ease.
ASTAPHIUM
Why so?
DINARCHUS
I’ll explain it to you. I’ve lost my property; with my property you’ve robbed me of occupation. If I had preserved my property, there had been something with which I might have been occupied.
ASTAPHIUM
And do you suppose that you can possibly well manage the affairs of state, or those of love, on any other terms without being a gentleman at ease?
DINARCHUS
It was she held a public employment, not I; you misinterpret me. But, against the law, in spite of my tax paid for pasturage, she has received other cattle beside myself.
ASTAPHIUM
Most persons who manage their property badly, do the same as you are doing; when they haven’t wherewith to pay the tax, they blame the farmers of the taxes.
DINARCHUS
My pasturage contract with you turns out but badly; now in its turn, I wish to have, according to my narrow circumstances, a little bit of arable land here with you.
ASTAPHIUM
Here is no arable, but the field is pasture land. If you desire some ploughing, you had better go to those who are in the habit of ploughing; we hold this public emolument, the right of pasturage; those are farmers of other taxes.
DINARCHUS
Full well enough do I know both sides.
ASTAPHIUM
I’ troth, it’s that way you are a gentleman at ease, since you’ve been going wrong both in that direction and in this. But the acquaintance of which do you like the best?
DINARCHUS
You are the more exacting, but they are perjured. Whatever’s given to them is lost outright, nor with themselves is there any show at all of it; you, if you gain anything, do at least drink and feast it away. In short, they are unprincipled; you are good-for-nothings, and full of airs.
ASTAPHIUM
All this abuse which, Dinarchus, you are uttering against us and them, you utter against yourself, both as respects us and them.
DINARCHUS
How’s that?
ASTAPHIUM
I’ll tell the reason; because he who accuses another of dishonesty, him it behoves to look into himself. You who are so prudent, have got nothing from us; we, who are good-for-nothings, have got all out of you.
DINARCHUS
O Astaphium! you were not in the habit of speaking to me in that fashion formerly, but courteously, when I myself possessed that which is now in your possession.
ASTAPHIUM
While he’s alive, you may know a person; when he’s dead, you may keep yourself quiet. I used to know you when you were alive.
DINARCHUS
Do you consider me to be dead?
ASTAPHIUM
Prithee, how can it be plainer? He who formerly was esteemed a first-rate lover, for him to be bringing to his mistress nought but lamentations.
DINARCHUS
I’ faith, through your own faults it was done, who in former days were in haste to plunder me. You ought to have done it leisurely, that, unscathed, I might last the longer for you.
ASTAPHIUM
A lover is like an enemy’s fortress.
DINARCHUS
On what ground?
ASTAPHIUM
The sooner the lover can be taken by storm, the better it is for the mistress.
DINARCHUS
I confess it; but far different is the friend from the lover. I’ faith, for sure, the oldest friend’s the best one possible for a man. I’ faith, my lands and tenements are not yet all gone.
ASTAPHIUM
Why then, prithee, are you standing before the door as a stranger and an alien? Do go in-doors. Really you are no stranger; for, upon my faith, not one person this day does she more love in her heart and soul — aside if, indeed, you’ve got land and tenements.
DINARCHUS
Your tongues and talk are steeped in honey; your doings and dispositions are steeped in gall and sour vinegar. From your tongues you utter sweet words; you make your lovers of bitter heart if any don’t give you presents.
ASTAPHIUM
I’ve not learnt to say what’s false.
DINARCHUS
It was not this liberality of mine that taught you to say what’s false, but those niggardly fellows who are struggling against their appetites. You are a sly one, and the same artful coaxer that you used to be.
ASTAPHIUM
How ardently longed for have you returned from abroad! But, prithee, do come, my mistress wants to see you.
DINARCHUS
How so, pray?
ASTAPHIUM
You alone of all mankind does she love.
DINARCHUS
aside . Well done, lands and tenements; you have come to my aid in good time. To ASTAPHIUM. But how say you, Astaphium —— ?
ASTAPHIUM
What do you want?
DINARCHUS
Is Phronesium in-doors just now?
ASTAPHIUM
To you at all events she’s in-doors.
DINARCHUS
Is she well?
ASTAPHIUM
Aye, faith, and I do believe she’ll be still better when she sees you.
DINARCHUS
This is our greatest fault: when we’re in love, then we are undone; if that which we wish is told us, when manifestly they are telling lies, in our folly we believe it to be true; verily as though with a tide we fluctuate.
ASTAPHIUM
Heyday now — such is not the fact.
DINARCHUS
Do you say that she loves me?
ASTAPHIUM
Aye, you only, alone.
DINARCHUS
I heard that she was brought to bed.
ASTAPHIUM
Oh, prithee, Dinarchus, do hold your tongue.
DIN,
Why
so?
ASTAPHIUM
I shudder in my alarm, as often as mention is made of childbirth, with such difficulty has Phronesium survived for you. Prithee, do come in-doors now; do go to see her and wait there a little. She’ll be out just now; for she was at the bath.
DINARCHUS
What do you say? She who was never pregnant, how could she be brought to bed? For really, I never, that I am aware of, perceived her to be in a breeding state.
ASTAPHIUM
She concealed it from you and was afraid, lest you should persuade her to have recourse to abortion, and so destroy the child.
DINARCHUS
Troth then, who’s the father of this child?
ASTAPHIUM
A Babylonian Captain, whose arrival she is now expecting. So much so, indeed, that, according as was reported, they say that he’ll be here just now. I wonder he has not arrived by this.
DINARCHUS
Shall I go in, then?
ASTAPHIUM
Why not? As boldly as at home, into your own house; for even still are you now one of us, Dinarchus.
DINARCHUS
How soon are you on your return?
ASTAPHIUM
I’ll be there this instant; it’s close at hand where I was going.
DINARCHUS
But do return directly; meanwhile I’ll wait for you at your house. He goes into the house of PHRONESIUM.
ACT II.
ASTAPHIUM, alone.
ASTAPHIUM
laughing . Ha, ha, ha! I’m at rest, since my plague has gone in-doors; now, indeed, I shall speak according to my own inclination, freely, as I please. My mistress has sung a funeral dirgeat our house for this fellow, her lover, over his estate; for his lands and tenements are mortgaged for his treats in his amour. But with him does my mistress speak freely upon the objects of her plans, and so he is rather a friend by way of counsel to her than by way of maintenance. While he had it, he gave; now he has got nothing; what he did have, we have got; what we had, he has now got the same. The common course of things has happened. For. tunes are wont to change upon the instant. Life is checquered. We remember him as rich, and he us as poor; our reminiscences have shifted places. He must be a fool to wonder at it. If he is in want, it’s necessary that he should allow us to make a living; that’s proper to be done. ‘Twere a disgrace for us to have compassion on men that squander away their fortunes. A clever Procuress ought to have good teeth; to smile upon whoever comes, to address him in flattering terms; to design mischief in her heart, but to speak fairly with her tongue. A Courtesan it befits to be like a briar; whatever man she touches, for either mischief or loss certainly to be the result. A Courtesan ought never to listen to the plea of a lover, but, when he has nothing to give, do you pack him off home from service as a deserter; and never is any gallant good for anything unless he’s one who is the enemy of his own fortune. It’s trifling, if, when he has just given, he doesn’t take a pleasure in giving afresh. That person’s esteemed with us who forgets that that has been given which he has given. As long as he has anything, so long let him go on loving; when he has got nothing, then let him look out another employment; if he himself has got nothing, let him, with a contented mind, make way for others who have. He’s a proper lover who, neglecting his affairs, squanders away his property. But among themselves the men declare that we act ill, and are greedy. Prithee, do we in fact at all act ill? For, by my troth, never did any lover whatever give enough to his mistress; nor, i’ faith, have we ever received enough, nor has any woman ever asked for enough. For when a gallant is barren with his gifts * * * * * If he denies that he has anything to give, alone * * * * * Nor do we receive enough, when a person has not enough to give us. It is ever our duty to look after fresh givers, who take from untouched treasures, and make presents to us. Just like this young man from the country, who dwells here pointing to the house where STRABAX lives , i’ faith, a very pleasant creature, and a very bounteous giver. But he, without the knowledge of his father, even this very last night, leapt over the wall by way of the garden, and came to our house. I wish to meet with him. But one servant has he, a very great savage, who, when he sees any one of us near the door, if you approach that way, drives us off just as he scares the geese away with his noise from the corn; he’s such a bumpkin. But come what may, I’ll knock at the door. Knocks at the door, and calls. Who, I wonder, has the keeping of this door? Is anybody coming out from in-doors?
Enter STRATILAX, from the house of the FATHER of STRABAX.
STRATOPHANES
Who’s this, that’s so sturdily plying his batteringram against our door?
ASTAPHIUM
It’s I. Look round at me.
STRATOPHANES
Who’s I?
ASTAPHIUM
Am I not seen by you?
STRATOPHANES
turning to her . Woe worth thee! What mean you by this coming so near this door, or why’s this knocking?
ASTAPHIUM
Health to you.
STRATOPHANES
Enow of thy health have I; I care nought for’t, I’ve got no health; I’d rather be sick, than be a bit the sounder with health from thee. This I want to know, what’s owing thee here in our house?
ASTAPHIUM
Do keep close ——
STRATOPHANES
Yea, faith, to my own good woman I trust; let him keep close to thee whose habit ’tis. A rare fine joke! a silly hussy to be tempting a countryman to naughty tricks.
ASTAPHIUM
Keep close your anger, I meant.
STRATOPHANES
As thee’st begun with me, so I’d e’en lay a wager there’s not another like thee.
ASTAPHIUM
half to herself . Really this fellow’s very churlish.
STRATOPHANES
Woman, dost thee go on abusing me?
ASTAPHIUM
Why, what did I say to you?
STRATOPHANES
Why, because thee dost call me churlish. Therefore now, if thee doesn’t be off this instant, and tell me quickly what thee want’st, adzookers, woman, I’ll be, here this very instant, trampling thee beneath my feet like a sow her piglings.
ASTAPHIUM
This is indeed right country, and no mistake; ’tis an abominable and truly a monkey race.
STRATOPHANES
holding up his fist . Dost thee throw the country in my teeth, when thee hast found a man who’s ashamed of what’s foul? Hast thee come hither to tempt me with thy decked out bones? Was it for that, shameless slut, thee dyed thy mantle of its smoke-dried colour, or art thee so fine because that thee’s been a stealing? Come thee towards me then.
ASTAPHIUM
Now you charm me.
STRATOPHANES
How much I wish I could charm thee.
ASTAPHIUM
You tell a lie.
STRATOPHANES
Tell me ——
ASTAPHIUM
What?
STRATOPHANES
What I ask thee. Dost thee wish to be taken for a bondswoman, who dost carry on thee those rings? Pointing to her fingers.
ASTAPHIUM
They give them to those who are worthy.
STRATOPHANES
These are the spoils of Laverna which thee dost possess. Lays hold of her.
ASTAPHIUM
Don’t be touching me. Moving away.
STRATOPHANES
I, touch thee? So help me my weeding-hoe, I’d rather i’ the country for me to be harnessed like an ox with crumpled horns, and with it spend the livelong night upon the straw, than that a hundred nights with thee, with a dinner apiece, were given me for nothing! But what business, woman, hast thee at our house? Why dost thee come running this way as often as we come to town?
ASTAPHIUM
I want to meet with your women.
STRATOPHANES
What women art thee talking to me about, when there’s not even a single woman-fly within the house?
ASTAPHIUM
What, does no woman live here?
STRATOPHANES
They’ve gone into the country, I say. Be off.
ASTAPHIUM
Why are you bawling out, you lunatic?
STRATOPHANES
If thee doesn’t make haste to get away from this with prodigious speed, I’ll forthwith be separating even from thy brains those falsified, daintily arranged, corkscrew curls of thine, with all their grease as well.
ASTAPHIUM
For what reason, pray?
STRATOPHANES
Why, because thee hast even presumed to approach our door anointed up with thine unguents, and because thee hast those cheeks so nicely, painted pink.
ASTAPHIUM
I’ troth, it was by reason of your clamour that I coloured in my alarm.
STRATOPHANES
And is it so? Thee coloured? As though, hussy, thee really hadst left to thy skin the power of receiving any colour. Redden up thy cheeks, thee hast given all thy skin its colour with chalk. Ye are scoundrelly jades. What’s the reason, abominable hussies, that this way * * * * * ? I know more than thee think’st I know.
ASTAPHIUM
Prithee, what’s this that you know?
STRATOPHANES
How Strabax, my master’s son, is ruining himself at your house; how you are all enticing him to fraud and present-making.
ASTAPHIUM
If you appeared in your senses, I’d tell you. You’re uttering abuse only; not a person is in the habit of being ruined here at our house; they waste their property; when they’ve wasted their property, they may go bare thence, if they choose. I don’t know this young man of yours.
STRATOPHANES
Indeed so.
ASTAPHIUM
In sober truth.
STRATOPHANES
Aye, but that garden wall that’s in our garden says so, which is becoming every night less by a brick, over which he travels to your house on the road to destruction.
ASTAPHIUM
The wall’s an old one; it isn’t wonderful if the bricks, being old, do tumble down.
STRATOPHANES
And says thee, hussy, that old bricks do tumble down? By my fakes, may never any mortal man henceforth trust me upon the two grand points, if I don’t inform of these goings on of yours to my elder master.
ASTAPHIUM
Is he a savage as well?
STRATOPHANES
Why, he didn’t get his money by enriching harlots, but by thriftiness, and living hard; which now, however, is being carried off to you, abominable jades. Takes her by the shoulders and shakes her. There’s for thee, six-clawed hussy; a wretched life to both of ye. Am I to keep mum about these matters? But, lookye now, I’ll be off to the Forum at once and tell these goings on to the old gentleman, that he mayn’t somehow be cherishing within this matting a whole swarm of misfortunes. (Exit.)