Demons Don't Dream

by Piers Anthony

  "Maybe she's magic," Jenny suggested. "There are very few straight dogs in Xanth. She might be a werewolf, or something."

  "Are you magic?" Kim asked the dog. The dog just looked at her, not seeming to understand.

  "Perhaps she was dumped because she was not magic," Cyrus suggested.

  "Well, I won't dump her!" Kim said firmly. "She's a nice dog, and I like her, and I don't care if she is nonmagical, so am I." But then a nasty thought occurred. "But I'm only visiting here. What happens to her when I go home?"

  "I would try to take care of her," Jenny said. "But I don't think she likes me."

  "Nonsense," Kim said. "She just doesn't know you." Yet Kim herself was almost as new to the dog as the other two were. Why should the dog accept her?

  She knew the answer: she was the one who had rescued the dog from the bubble. Thus she had earned a special place in the dog's affection. That was all right, as long as the dog did not attack the others.

  She couldn't just keep thinking of her as "the dog." There had to be a name. "All right, you're officially the bubble dog," Kim said. "Bubbles for short. Okay?”

  The dog did not object. She lay down in the bottom of the boat and went to sleep.

  "Bubbles it is," Cyrus said. "I wonder if I could daydream of floating bubbles, and find one with a thrown-away young beautiful mermaid?"

  Kim laughed. "Who would throw away a young beautiful mermaid?"

  "Unless she had a terrible temper," Jenny said, smiling.

  "Mermaids do not have hot tempers," Cyrus said somewhat stiffly. "The water keeps them cool and calm."

  "Except when there's a storm?" Kim asked mischievously.

  "Merfolk dive below when there are storms."

  "Maybe she's hungry," Jenny said.

  "How can she be hungry, when we haven't found her yet?" he asked. Then he shifted streams of thought. "Oh, you mean the dog. Perhaps so."

  They did not have any dogfood in their supplies, but they did have water crackers. Kim took one and offered it to Bubbles. The dog sniffed it, considered, and finally accepted it. She settled down to eat it, slowly.

  The boat moved on. The slow progress soon became boring. Jenny and Cyrus slumped, snoozing, and so did Kim.

  Until a sharp bark woke them all up. Kim's eyes popped open—and there was a head looking over the boat She stifled a scream, afraid that it would merely provoke the monster.

  Jenny was doing the same. "It's a water dragon!" she whispered, frightened. "And we're way far from land!"

  But Cyrus did not seem to be worried. "That's just Plesio," he said. "He's friendly."

  "That's a plesiosaurus!" Kim exclaimed. "From the Age of Dinosaurs." For she had at one time been fascinated by the dinosaurs, and had learned a number of the forms of the age of reptiles. This extremely long-necked, flippered creature fit the description.

  "Yes, he really likes to please people," Cyrus said. "He must have seen us poking along, and decided to help speed up our journey." He unshipped some rope, tossed out the end, and the creature caught it in its mouth. Then it swam briskly ahead, pulling the boat swiftly along.

  "But Bubbles couldn't have known it was all right," Kim said, stroking the dog's head. "She tried to warn us of danger."

  "Yes she did," Jenny agreed. "We can sleep safer with her along."

  Now their progress was rapid. The surface of the lake fairly whizzed by. A shore appeared ahead, and soon they reached it Plesio halted and dropped his end of the rope. "Thank you," Cyrus called as he coiled the rope.

  They took out water paddles and moved the boat into shallow water, and then into a broad marsh. "But I thought we were going to a river," Kim said.

  "The With-A-Cookee River," Jenny agreed. "It flows from the Half-Baked Bog. So first we have to get through the bog."

  Oh. Now she remembered the map. "Why is it called Half-Baked?" Kim inquired.

  "Because half of it is next to the Fire Region," Cyrus said. "That's not my favorite place, but the best channel passes close by there, so we'll have to use it"

  All too soon Kim saw what he meant. There was smoke on the horizon, billowing up from what looked like a wall of fire, and the channel through the marsh led toward it The green plants along the bank turned white with the increasing heat, and then brown. "Why, that looks almost like marshmallow!" Kim explained.

  "Yes, this is the Mallow Marsh," Cyrus agreed. "If you are hungry, you can eat the toasted mallow plants."

  Kim reached out and pulled off a mallow. It was crinkly brown on the outside, but gooey white inside. She tasted it, it was toasted marshmallow, sure enough.

  Jenny ate some too. Then Jenny offered a mallow to Bubbles, but the dog would not take it so she handed it to Kim, and Kim offered it, and this time Bubbles took it. This was a one-girl dog, without doubt.

  The wall of fire loomed closer. Kim realized that the reason the channel was so close to the fire was that this was the only place too hot for water plants to clog.

  "We shall have to move rapidly," Cyrus said. "I shall enter the water and pull the boat, as Plesio did. That will protect me from the heat and speed our travel. If the two of you are able to paddle—"

  "We'll try," Kim said bravely. That firewall was now impressively high and hot Her clothing had long since dried out. She dipped her hands in the lukewarm water and splashed herself wet again. The water itself was warm, but did help cool her. Jenny, understanding, did the same. It would help them survive the fire. As an afterthought, she splashed some water on Bubbles, who glanced at her but did not protest.

  Jenny paddled near the front of the boat, and Kim paddled near the back, on the other side, trying to time her strokes to match the elf's. Cyrus pulled by holding a short length of rope between his teeth and swimming vigorously. The boat moved well, but still the high flames were ferocious. Both girls had to pause frequently to splash more water on themselves and on the dog. Near the wall of fire the water was boiling, but it seemed to be cooler below the surface.

  Now the source of the flames was apparent: a row of burning trees. Somehow they seemed to maintain their height and mass and foliage, despite burning up. How could that be?

  "That's firewood," Cyrus explained.

  Well, that made sense, in this magic land, Kim had always known how punnish Xanth was; she just tended to forget when under stress.

  Kim heard growling. It wasn't Bubbles; indeed, the dog heard it too. Her floppy ears perked up. It was coming from the firewall! But how could there be any living tiling mere?

  "Firedogs," Cyrus gasped. "Pay them no heed. They live in the hot steel and iron section, and harass passersby, but they can't leave the Fire Region."

  Kim's fevered mind wondered whether there was a pun buried there: steel and iron. Steel and iron—same as a fire-dog back home. She kept paddling, though she feared that her hands were blistering.

  The growling faded, but was replaced by a heated hissing. "Firedrakes," Cyrus explained. "Very fierce birds."

  But the drakes, too, were confined to the fire. Then there came a hot buzzing. "Don't tell me," Kim gasped. "Let me guess: firebugs."

  "Right."

  The channel began to veer away from the firewall, to Kim's great relief. Then there was a fiery neigh. That would be a firehorse. Sparkling insects flew out and danced above the water fireflies.

  Bubbles barked. Kim started to reassure the dog, then realized that the dog might have smelled something. She looked around—and spied a serpentine form writhing across the surface of the water toward them. Suddenly she knew what it was. "Firehose!" she screamed.

  Cyrus lifted his head and stared. "That will burn through the boat!" he said, alarmed.

  "Then we'd better hurry!" Kim gasped, doubling her effort The boat went faster, but she saw that the firehose was going to touch it

  Jenny saw the danger. She stood up and whirled her paddle. She brought it down across the firehose, making a great splash of water and fire. The hose, startled, pulled back for a moment—and the boat sli
d by, untouched.

  There was an angry cry. Kim looked, and saw the flaming outline of a man, standing before his firehose, shaking his fist at them. "Sorry, fireman, you can't burn us this time!" she called as the boat put distance between them.

  A flaming human female form appeared. She held some kind of firestick. She pointed it at the boat. Bubbles barked.

  "Duck!" Kim cried, throwing herself down.

  A bolt of fire shot over the boat, just missing her.

  "That was no duck," Cyrus said. "That was Miss Fire."

  "So silly of me to confuse her," Kim said.

  Away from the firewall at last, they relaxed, catching their breaths. "They were surprisingly determined, this time," Cyrus said. "Usually they don't really try. I wonder what got them all fired up?"

  "It's probably a game challenge,"* Kim said, realizing. "It was getting too easy for me to make progress, so they heated it up."

  "That must be it," Jenny agreed. "You have a loyal Companion to help you, but the challenges do get harder as they go. Few Players are supposed to make it through to the prize."

  Cyrus nodded. "I see this will be an interesting excursion. I must say you rose to the occasion, Kim."

  "No, that was Jenny who rose," Kim said to cover her pleasure at the compliment. "She stood up so she could bash the firehose, so we could pass."

  "True. But you gave the alarm."

  "No, that was Bubbles. She barked." Kim stroked the dog's head.

  He shrugged. "Your modesty becomes you."

  "I'm not modest. I'm pushy. I just did my part, the same way the rest of you did."

  "Of course," he agreed. But he did not sound quite convinced.

  The dog was getting restless, so they paddled to the bank, and let her scramble onto land, where she did her canine business. Evidently she was a house-trained canine, which was fine. Kim liked her very well. It was fun having a pet, even if it was only in the game.

  They resumed motion through the Half-Baked Bog. It was extensive, but by paddling and poling they made good progress.

  "It is getting late, but we must reach the headwaters of the With-A-Cookee River by nightfall," Cyrus said.

  "Why?" Kim asked. "Can't we camp here?" She was so tired mat she hardly wanted to push on farther than she needed to.

  "No. There is no solid land here, just marshy islands. And it would be uncomfortable for you to sleep in the boat But mainly, there are the allegations."

  “The what?" Jenny asked. "Allegory?"

  "A related species, perhaps. The allegories are found in the ever glades, while the allegations are here. We don't dare relax until we are out of their range."

  Kim realized that these puns might have unpleasant representations. "Okay; on we go. I hope we don't meet any." But she suspected that the game would not let her get by without tackling this next challenge.

  She was right. Bubbles barked as a large aquatic reptile swam toward them, with a ribbed greenish hide, solid threshing tail, and a mouth stuffed with more gleaming teeth man she cared to try to count "Keep moving," she murmured to Cyrus and Jenny.

  "You are intruding on my territory!" the allegation said, with some justice. "I shall have to chomp you,"

  Cyrus was silent, and Kim knew it was because he could not refute the charge. It was up to her.

  "We are traveling an established route," she said. "You don't have authority to interfere."

  The allegation pondered. Evidently she had managed to refute it Meanwhile the boat was moving. Then the creature made another accusation. "You are transporting an illicit animal. I shall have to chomp it"

  "Oh no you don't!" Kim cried, putting her arms around the dog. "This is my pet, and nobody chomps her without first chomping me."

  The allegation paused again. It seemed she had refuted it again. The boat was still quietly moving. But the thing hadn't given up. "You are a Mundane! You have no rights in Xanth. I shall have to chomp you."

  Oops! She was indeed Mundane, so she couldn't refute that. What was she to do? While she considered, the creature was nudging up closer, ready to snap at her. Even if it missed her, it would surely catch the boat, and rip out a chunk, causing the whole thing to dissolve.

  But she knew there had to be a way through. So she made what she hoped was a good refutation. "I am a Mundane Player in the game. I have the right to tour Xanth as long as I play the game. You can't chomp me unless I make a mistake—and I haven't made one here."

  "Curses," the allegation muttered, turning aside. She had foiled it!

  The boat slid on through the bog. Soon the land on either side firmed up, and pretty plants appeared. "The With-A-Cookee!" Jenny exclaimed. "See—there're the cookees growing."

  “The cookies," Kim agreed. "So now at last we can camp."

  "Yes," Cyrus agreed. "You handled that allegation very well, Kim."

  "Thank you," she replied, feeling more justifiably flattered. After all, there were only so many compliments a girl could take from a handsome man before they started getting to her.

  "That's odd," Cyrus said. "That wasn't here the last time I passed this way."

  And there ahead was what looked like an enchanted campsite. "Does the game provide safe havens for Players?" Kim asked Jenny.

  "Yes. But you have to find them yourself."

  "It seems I did." Kim turned to Cyrus. "This must be about the edge of your range."

  "It is. I travel the Water Wing freely, but seldom venture far into the neighboring regions. Nevertheless, I'm sure this was mere jungle before."

  "It surely was," Kim agreed. "But the proprietors of the game must have set up rest stops in out-of-the-way places, and this is one of them. I'm certainly glad to have it." Which was perhaps her understatement of the day. She had used her wit and gotten through just fine, but she had been lucky too. She was willing to bet that luck wouldn't hold much longer.

  They tied the boat and walked into the campsite. Cookee plants grew all around, as well as fruit and nut trees, and assorted material bushes. She knew this would do just fine for the night.

  Cyrus went to a private spot, changed into legs, and went to work collecting materials and pitching two tents, while Kim and Jenny picked fruits and nuts, pies and milkweed pods and piled them on the picnic table. There was even a dogwood tree bearing dogfood; Kim put some of that in a wooden dish for Bubbles, and the dog liked it "And this is living!" Kim remarked as they ate.

  Both Cyrus and Jenny looked surprised. "This is routine,” he said.

  “Not for me. Where I live, pies don't grow on trees, and milk doesn't come in pods. This really is the land of milk and honey." She picked up a honey-soaked comb she had found and began licking the tines clean. She would be able to use it on her hair when all the honey was gone.

  "Well, they don't where I come from, either," Jenny said. "But it's the way it is in Xanth. There's nothing special about it"

  Kim shook her head. "You folk don't know when you're well off. You have such wonderful lives, compared to the pollution and parsimony and poverty we have. That's why everyone who knows about Xanth wants to come here. Even if only for a few hours, in a stupid game.”

  Cyrus was interested. "What are the mermaids like, in your world?"

  Kim laughed. "There are no mermaids! Well, maybe some faked-up ones, in tourist shows, but those are just regular women with their legs bound into tail-costumes. Nothing you'd be interested in."

  He was surprised. “There are no crossbreedings with fish?”

  "None. That sort of thing just doesn't happen in Mundania. In fact, there can be trouble when different races or cultures marry. It happens, but not often. People stick mostly to their own kind."

  He shook his head. "Truly has it been said: Mundania is dreary."

  “Truly,” Kim agreed.

  Kim and Jenny settled down for the night in one tent, and Bubbles lay down at the entrance, satisfied to be a guard dog. Cyrus, always the model of decorum, slept in his own tent

  In the morning t
hey took turns washing, then ate and disassembled their tents so as to leave the camping area pristine for the next travelers. They got in the boat and set off down the With-A-Cookee River. They didn't need to paddle; the gentle current carried them slowly along toward the west and north.

  "But don't we want to bear south?" Kim asked.

  "We do," Jenny said. "But the river will take us to the sea, and then we can paddle on along the shore, bypassing the Gap Chasm and other menaces such as Com-Pewter. We can land south of it and find a path going inland. We can pass Castle Roogna and go on to the Good Magician's castle. It's not a straight route, but it's a fairly easy one."

  "Com-Pewter!" Kim said. "The evil machine! I'd like to meet—"

  "You don't want to meet Pewter!" Jenny said, alarmed.

  Kim sighed. Jenny's advice had been good so far, as she had found out when she didn't follow it "No evil machine," she agreed regretfully.

  The cookies growing along the banks became fancier. There were clusters of ginger, chocolate chip, banana, walnut, raisin, and molasses cookies, growing out of beds of sandies. Pinwheels spun around on their stems. Kim reached out to pick one.

  "No!" Jenny cried as Kim was about to take a bite. But she was too late, as usual. Kim's mouth was already in motion. She bit out a piece, and it tasted very good.

  "Why did you try to tell me no?" she asked. "There's nothing wrong with this pinwheel cookie.”

  “That's not a pinwheel, it's a punwheel," Jenny said.

  "Oh? What will it do to me? Make me a pundit? It can't make me a pungent, because I'm not a man, I'm a girl. Still, I suppose I could go around telling jokes, the way a pun-gent would. I could be his pun-girl, maybe." She paused. "What's the matter?"

  "You're punning in circles," Jenny said.

  Kim looked at the cookie. She had taken a bite, and it had affected her speech. "I'll try to watch my punctuation, so as not to punish you any more," she said punctually.

  "Maybe we'll find an antidote soon,” Cyrus muttered. Even Bubbles hid her head under the seat, as if trying to shield her ears from the sound.

  Kim decided to keep her mouth shut until the effects wore off. She just kept acting impulsively, then regretting it.