Demons Don't Dream

by Piers Anthony

  He reached into his pocket and found the Germ of an Idea. He didn't need to put it to his forehead. He knew what to do with it in this punnish realm. "Dragon, beware!" he cried. "I've got a germ. If you chomp me, you'll get it"

  The dragon hesitated. So it did understand his words! And it was cautious about a germ. Few predators cared to eat diseased prey. Probably the dragon knew it wasn't that kind of germ, but by the law of the pun he had to accept it. Dug had finally used his brain and found a way.

  "Go ahead," he said, playing it for what it was worth as he got up. "Chomp me. Gobble up the germ. Maybe it won't hurt you." For sure it wouldn't hurt the dragon!

  The dragon closed his mouth, considering. Then a thought percolated through. He aimed his snoot and inhaled. He was going to cook the prey, getting rid of the germ that way.

  But now Dug was on his feet. He put them into gear and ran for the wall.

  A jet of steam singed the snow beside him. Another close miss. "Thanks, dragon-breath!" Dug muttered. But he knew the dragon wouldn't miss too many more times; there were limits even to the game. He had to make good his escape now, or it would surely be never.

  He touched the germ to his forehead as he ran. The idea came to him. "Jenny!" he called. "Let down the rope for me! Anchor it."

  Jenny threw down one end of the rope, while Sherlock tied the other end to a crag. Dug reached it, grabbed it, and hauled up his legs just as another bolt of steam splashed against the wall where they had been. He handed himself up the rope, walking the wall with his feet. Rappelling, it was called, or something. And the dragon was letting him do it. Because it was an approved way to escape. Obviously in real life the dragon could have dispatched him instantly, but the game required that the Player be given every chance. It had surely been the same with the roc in the tall hassle tree forest. And the censor-ship. All he had to do was to learn to play the game right.

  He made it to the ledge and heaved himself over. Just in time; his arms were starting to cramp from the unaccustomed exertion. No matter that this was just a game, and he wasn't really here, and his real body was sitting mesmerized by the stupid screen. He was into the spirit and sensation of it, and he felt what he was supposed to feel. Which at the moment was mostly joy, because now he understood what he needed to, to get wherever he was going. He had made the sensible decision to part company with Nada Naga, getting rid of a foolish distraction. Now he had made the decision to play the game right. After almost losing track and getting skunked.

  He stood on the ledge and peered down at the dragon. The dragon peered up at him. Then the dragon winked.

  But one thing nagged Dug's mind. He had been clumsy, even after making allowances. He had fallen almost right under the dragon's snoot. At that point he had made what should have been a fatal mistake, and paid the price for it Com-Pewter had shown no mercy on him when he lost the riddle contest. Why had the dragon been so much more generous?

  He reviewed it in his mind, suspecting that there was some key element he had missed. Key elements were important here. They could apply to more than one situation, as had been the case with the germ. He wanted to fathom this one.

  He had fallen down while trying to bash out the ramp, so the dragon could not reach the ledge. So then he was on the ground, and the dragon was mounting the ramp. The dragon was about to gobble up the two people trapped on the ledge. So Dug had cried out, attracting the dragon's attention to himself.

  And there it was. He had, in the heat of the moment, acted selflessly. He had put himself in peril, to save his companions. No matter that the dragon wasn't really after them, because one was the Companion and the other was just a fellow traveler. Dug had done a generous thing. He must have earned a bonus point, and because of it the dragon had let him go, after a reasonable show.

  Now he understood. So now he winked back at the dragon.

  After which he turned around. "Let's see where we can go from here," he said. "I'm sure there's some way up. What does Sammy say?"

  The little cat bounded up the snow steps the two had made, to the higher ledge. He knew where to go—now that they were past the dragon. The Companion could help, but the Player had to handle the main challenge. Okay.

  And what would be the next challenge? He could find out "Jenny, what will we find south of the Gap Chasm?" he asked the elf girl as they followed the upper ledge to a hole in die cliff that now appeared.

  "I'm not sure of the details, but I know there's quick sand and slow sand there," she said. "And the Gnobody Gnomes, and the Cow Boys and the Knock-Kneed Knights."

  "Now, why do I have the feeling that those are not ordinary gnomes, or young men who herd cows?" Dug inquired rhetorically.

  "The Cow Boys are bull-headed," she agreed. "And the Knights are empty. And there's also Com-Pewter somewhere in there."

  Pewter! This was the one he had been waiting for. The rematch. Jenny Elf didn't realize that he had already encountered the evil machine, and had a score to settle. He should have known that his path would lead him there, because he could not win the game without nullifying whatever had balked him before.

  So now he knew his next major challenge. This time he intended to be prepared. "Pewter," he murmured, "I'm going to kick your metal butt!"

  Then he focused on their climb out of the chasm, because he had learned better than to ignore the details of the moment. Sammy Cat was leading the way, but there could still be complications. They were now in a wormlike tunnel wending upward, festooned with spider webbing. But the worm would have had to be the size of the diggle. Well, maybe it had been a diggle, who forgot to phase out when traveling, so left a hole in the ground. Just so long as it led them back to ground level.

  Meanwhile, he would keep an eye out for anything that might enable him to handle Pewter. So that he could continue playing the game, and remain in Xanth.

  Chapter 12

  MERCI

  Kim walked east along the Gap Chasm. The snow was already melting; it seemed that the evil cloud could blow up a snowstorm, but couldn't actually cool me land. That was just as well; Fracto had caused too much misery already.

  "I guess we'd better fill you in on what we were up to before we met," Kim said to Nada Naga. "Jenny and I encountered the ogres of the Ogre Fen, then ran afoul of Fracto and got washed into the Water Wing, where Cyrus rescued us. On the way out I found Bubbles." She patted the dog. "Cyrus is looking for a wife."

  Nada glanced sidelong at Cyrus. "So I garnered. He wouldn't happen to be a prince, would he?"

  "No, I'm just a regular merman," Cyrus said. "Why?"

  "I have been looking for a husband," she said candidly. “But I would prefer to have a prince."

  "I would not do for you anyway, because I must marry either a mermaid or a fish. I would prefer the mermaid."

  "I am not surprised. The naga sometimes must marry either full human folk, or full serpent folk, but we prefer our own kind. However, we also marry to cement liaisons with other species. But this is done only between princes and princesses."

  "But your brother Naldo married Mela Merwoman," Kim said. "She wasn't a princess, was she?"

  "My brother Prince Naldo has an eye for the ladies," she replied evenly. "He happened to catch a glimpse of Mela's panties, and decided to marry her. Mela fills her panties very well, considering her age."

  "She's young?" Cyrus asked.

  "No, old. But she retains her youthful proportions, which are generous. My brother noticed." She shrugged. "Males have never been much for following the rules. Our father was annoyed, until he met the merwoman. Then he concluded that this was a warranted exception to our policy."

  "Sounds like sexism to me,” Kim muttered.

  "Her proportions are surely not more generous than your own," Cyrus said diplomatically.

  “Oh, I believe they are! You have to understand that merwomen are not quite the same as mermaids; they are better endowed. I think it is because the sea is colder than the lakes and rivers. Perhaps the salt has someth
ing to do with it" She glanced again at him. "Have you ever swum in salt, Cyrus?"

  "Never. But I shall be happy to give it a try.**

  "I understand that the merfolk of the sea and the merfolk of the lakes are incompatible, for that reason," Nada said. "But that is only hearsay."

  Kim heard something. "Is that a storm, down inside the Gap Chasm?" she asked.

  The others paused to listen. "That sounds like Fracto," Nada said. "Do you think that Dug was crazy enough to aggravate that cloud again?"

  "Well, I was crazy enough to do it before," Kim said. "Dug's like me, in some respects."

  "Oh? Do you like him?"

  "Yes, I guess I do," Kim said shyly.

  "Why didn't you say something?"

  "Well, where I come from, a girl doesn't."

  "You are not where you come from," Nada pointed out.

  Kim shrugged. "Still, he's from Mundania too. He's handsome, while I—" She didn't care to finish.

  "I suppose he is," Nada said. "I hadn't noticed. He does seem to be interested in—" She hesitated. "Mature women."

  "Oh, was he getting fresh with you?" Kim asked, morbidly curious.

  "He tried to glimpse my panties, and almost got put out of the game. After that he was more careful."

  "So that explains it," Kim said. "I thought he was remarkably polite, for a teenage boy."

  "He became polite. He seems clever enough, when one allows for his immaturity.”

  "All Mundane boys are immature. That's why they need girls to mature them."

  Nada smiled. "They're not so different than those of Xanth." She peered into the chasm. "I think that's another snowstorm. I wonder what's going on down mere?"

  A small light flashed over Kim's head, melting the last of the snow in her vicinity. "A blinding blizzard! Would that hide them from the dragon?"

  "I think it might," Nada agreed.

  "Then Dug must've deliberately insulted Fracto, to create that diversion,” Kim said, delighted. "So they could get through safely."

  "You do like him," Nada said.

  "But he has no interest in me, so it doesn't matter. Let's get on and win this game."

  Bubbles was happy to lead the way, her tail curling up in a perfect semicircle. The path was clear, and there were no bad creatures in the way. But Kim knew that there would be another challenge before too long. She hoped she would be ready for it.

  As they went, they had to discard items of clothing, because of the returning warmth. It was hard to imagine that this had so recently been a snowscape.

  Bubbles barked. Kim looked around, because there was always something when the dog gave warning.

  Specks appeared in the sky. They danced around, growing larger. They did not seem to be birds or insects; their outlines were squared off, and their motions too bobbing. "What are those?" Kim asked.

  Nada looked. "Kites, I think. They like to fly about the Gap, because of updrafts mere."

  "Oh, I used to love to fly kites!" Kim exclaimed. "Are these magic?”

  "Everything is magic in Xanth," Nada said.

  "There's a string," Cyrus said. He strode forward, reaching for it.

  "I wouldn't," Nada said warningly.

  But he was already grabbing the string. He hauled on it, bringing the kite down. It was a huge cubic thing, brightly colored.

  The kite suddenly plunged, looming close. It swept into Cyrus, knocking him down. Then, free, it sailed back up out of reach.

  Kim dashed over to help him. "Are you all right?" she asked worriedly.

  Cyrus sat up, shaking his head. Three little birds were flying around it, cheeping. "Just dizzy, I think," he said dizzily. "What happened?"

  "You grabbed the string of a box kite," Nada explained. "It boxed you."

  Kim helped him stand. He was unsteady, but the little birds evidently decided he was all right, and flew away. "No more kites," he said.

  "No more kites," Kim agreed.

  Nada looked around. "That's odd."

  "What's odd?" Kim asked, concerned. She saw that Bubbles seemed perplexed, too.

  "We seem to be a good deal farther along man I would have thought. This looks like the terrain beyond Gap Village, and maybe beyond the goblin village too."

  Kim realized that the terrain had changed during their distraction by the kite. They were still north of the Gap, proceeding east, but the lay of the land was different.

  "Could this be a device of the game to move us more rapidly to the next challenge?"

  "It must be," Nada agreed. "Professor Grossclout has demonic powers."

  "Well, he is a demon," Kim agreed.

  As they proceeded, Kim saw that not only had the scene changed, it differed in type. Instead of idle stones by the wayside, there were crystals. In fact, they soon became fancier, with pretty colors. They looked like diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, opals, amethysts, garnets, and all manner of other gems. Many were small, but some were large, and a few were huge.

  Kim gazed at them in wonder. "Oh, I've always loved pretty stones," she said. "But the best I could afford was smoky quartz, which is to real gems as glop is to gold. I’ve never even imagined such a display!"

  "I think they're hiquigems," Nada said. "Impossible to use."

  "High-que gems?" Kim asked. "Are they dangerous?"

  "No, they are harmless. But you really can't touch them."

  Bubbles was sniffing at a nearby gem. Kim squatted, reaching for the lovely red spinel the size of an apple. "I won't get shocked, or anything?"

  "Nothing like that. But you are wasting your time."

  Kim's fingers closed around the beautiful gem. She picked it up with an oooh of appreciation, admiring its facets.

  Then something happened. "Oh, I dropped it!" she exclaimed, chagrined. Indeed, something red fell to the ground. But it didn't look like a gem. It looked like a blob of red gelatin. It landed silently.

  Then, as her eyes focused on it, she saw that she had been mistaken. It was the same gem she had picked up, undamaged. But how could she have dropped it? It had somehow seemed to flow through her fingers, a weird sensation.

  She picked it up again, cautiously. Again it fell. But this time she saw it happen. The thing lost form, became a big drop of red liquid, slid between her fingers, landed on the ground—and reformed into the gem.

  Cyrus tried to pick up a diamond. It, too, slipped through his grip and turned up on the ground, unchanged. He stared, bemused.

  "Hiquigems," Nada repeated. "They don't allow folk to move them."

  "It's like a dream," Kim said, as impressed by the willful magic of the gems as by their number, size, and beauty. "They seem so real, yet they might as well be illusion."

  "Much of Xanth is illusion," Nada said. "The rest is puns and dragons."

  "Pun the magic dragon," Kim murmured under her breath, smiling.

  They walked on through the glorious display. Slanting sunlight struck the myriad facets of the gems and refracted even more colorfully up, so that they walked through air pretty as the ground. Apparently this was just a passing diversion, not a challenge. Unless she was supposed to find a way to take one of the gems. Could there be one among them that was takable, that would help her in the future? She decided to let it be; she preferred to leave these magic stones alone.

  They left the gems behind. They rounded a turn—and there before them was the broad expanse of the sea. The path went right down to it—but so did the chasm. So the only way to cross the chasm was to cross the sea, and this time they didn't have a boat. Had this trek been for nothing?

  "Maybe we can make a boat," Kim said. "It isn't far, to cross to the other side of the chasm."

  "Perhaps we can swim across," Cyrus said. "I don't see any monsters."

  "This is salt water," Nada reminder him. "See, there is saltwater taffy growing by the shore."

  "All the more reason to try it" He walked boldly to the beach and dipped his toe. "Yow!"

  “I warned you," Nada said. "You're a f
reshwater merman.”

  Cyrus stepped back, chagrined. "That brine is awful! What self-respecting creature would touch that, let alone swim in it?"

  There was a cheery cry from the sea. "Ooo-ooo!" It was a melodious female voice, with the accent on the first syllable. "Are you land folk lost?"

  They peered out to sea. There was the head of a young woman. She was swimming.

  "We are trying to get to the other side of the Gap Chasm," Kim called back. "But we don't know if it's safe to swim, and one of us doesn't like the salt water."

  The woman swam rapidly closer. "It's perfect salt water,” she said indignantly. "I have spent all my life in it." To illustrate her point, she dived under, showing her flukes.

  Cyrus stared. "That's a mermaid!" he cried.

  "Merwoman," Nada clarified. "Look at her décolletage."

  Indeed, Kim saw that the creature was superbly endowed. In fact, she had a set of breasts best described as monumental, yet perfectly contoured. The kind Kim herself would never dare dream of having.

  Cyrus' attention was no less fixed than Kim's own. "What a creature!" he breathed.

  Another little light flashed over Kim's head. “There's your wife, maybe," she said.

  "What's that?" the woman called from the sea.

  “I’m Kim Human, and this is Nada Naga," Kim called back. "Are you married?"

  "No. Bachelor mermen don't grow on shoe trees, you know. My mother had to make legs and trek endlessly on land to find a suitable husband."

  Another light flashed. "Your mother—was she by chance Mela Merwoman?”

  "No. There was no chance about it. She was Melantha from the day the storkfish delivered her, as sure as water quenches fire. I'm her daughter Merci."

  "Why did she need a husband?" Cyrus said. "Didn't she have your father?"

  Merci's lovely brow clouded. "A stupid dragon toasted him when I was away at a school of fish, just ten years ago when I was a merchild. Mother fretted a bit, then finally took the plunge, as it were, and went landward to nab her man. It was all so complicated. It wasn't as if she was choosy. All she wanted was the nicest, handsomest, most manly bachelor prince available. She finally landed Prince Naldo Naga. Since then she's been so busy entertaining him that I hardly see her. They seem to believe in long honeymoons. It's pretty lonely. Now I am dangerously close to twenty-one, hardly a mergirl any more and nary a merman in sight"