Fox instantly curled his fingers around my ankles and the heat of his skin against mine was like a balm to the ache which lived in me.
"Tell me," he murmured as I reached out to push my fingers into his messy blonde hair and he closed his eyes for a moment like he was relishing that touch.
I didn’t like talking about this. Hell, I didn’t even like thinking about it, but I was beginning to see that I was going to have to tell him if we were going to figure out a way past it, so I took a deep breath and prepared to do just that.
"I didn't notice it at first," I breathed, my skin prickling as memories of the girl I'd been for Shawn tickled at my subconscious. "But after a couple of months of us hooking up on and off, seeing him at parties and him turning up at the apartment I was sharing with a few other guys when he was horny, he told me he didn't want me where he couldn't find me all the time anymore. He said that if I was his girl he'd take care of me, and I wouldn't have to worry about assholes hanging around me, trying to take something that was his."
Fox growled at that word, his grip on my ankles tightening like the idea of Shawn ever having any kind of claim on me burned him up inside.
"So what? He moved you in with him?"
I shook my head. "He had some properties here and there, nothing fancy, but he said they were safe houses for if anything ever went to shit and he needed somewhere to run to." Fox nodded and I was sure that was something him and his crew had all over town too. "So he put me up in a little apartment not too far from his place and for a while, that all seemed great. I'd never really had any space to myself, and I paid him a couple hundred bucks a month in rent which he always laughed at, but he took my money all the same, saying I could be an independent woman if I wanted to be."
"Where were you getting that money?"
I shrugged. "The usual. Running jobs, boosting cars. There was a chop shop not too far from my apartment and I could steal whatever I needed."
"Right, so you were somewhat independent," Fox said the word like he hated it and I snorted.
"Of course I wasn't. But I didn't see that, I guess. If I'm honest, I don't think I wanted to. Life was easy. So fucking easy. I didn't have to sleep with one eye open or worry about the next person waiting to fuck me over. And after eight years of that shit, I was just so fucking tired. Shawn offered me a reprieve and I took it because I was so sick of fighting against the tide every goddamn day just to survive."
"I'm never going to be able say I'm sorry enough over those years," Fox said, his hands shifting up the backs of my calves as he leaned into me. "I've never wanted anything so badly as I wish for a do-over with you. To go back to that night when you killed Axel and do it all differently. Maybe we could have called my dad. Or maybe we should have just run right there and then and never looked back."
I swallowed a lump in my throat and shook my head. "The past is already written," I muttered. "And the future is out of our hands. All we have is right now."
"Well right now, all I want is to hold you in my arms and never let go," Fox growled, trying to tug me down into his lap, but I drew back.
"That's the problem though, Fox," I said, moving my right hand from his hair down to skim the line of his strong jaw as he looked up at me with those deep green eyes of his. "I can't be someone's captive again. The girl I was when I was with Shawn..."
I trailed off and looked away from him, but he caught my jaw and made me meet his gaze again.
"Tell me," he commanded, holding me there.
"I'm not even sure when it started," I said slowly, trying to explain it. "It happened so slowly, bit by bit, like this wall being built around me one brick at a time. I never noticed any of the bricks as they were laid, but one day I found myself trapped inside a wall which I couldn't remember how to scale anymore."
The confusion in Fox's eyes coupled with the pain I could see there over him not understanding this pushed me to go on, and I blew out a breath as I continued.
"Sometimes he'd call and tell me to dress up nice for him and come over, so I would. But then he'd give me this look when I arrived like...I dunno really, but I'd know I'd fucked up. He'd say something like, 'did my men think my girl was coming over to see me or did they assume I hired myself a hooker?' So the next time he'd tell me to come I'd wear something that covered me up more, and now that I look back on it I can't even understand why I did that. Why I was so fixed on pleasing him or meeting this impossible standard he set, but...I did. So anyway, then he'd look at me and say something like, 'holy shit you look like crap, sweet cheeks. What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit show of an outfit?' It made me feel like...like I was always missing the bar he set and I kinda hated that, but I was kinda numb to it too. It was still the best I'd had it since I'd left here. And then he'd laugh and slap my ass and tell me not to look so fucking pouty unless I was hoping to suck his dick. He'd switch on the charm again or start up one of his bullshit stories and I'd forget about it. Mostly."
"Rogue," Fox growled, but I placed my fingers on his lips because I needed to get this out so that I didn't have to keep picking at this scab.
"After a while, he started to make more suggestions for me to follow. He didn't like me going to parties. He didn't want me near his men either - sometimes he'd say they were too rough around the edges and that I was too good for the likes of them. Other times he’d tell me I had the look of a whore about me, and he didn’t need his men thinking his girl was for sale. I didn’t have that many friends, but the few I did have before I became his all disappeared and I feel like he warned them away, but I don’t know for sure. He liked to call me names when he fucked me. But then he’d make it seem like I was being touchy or silly if I said anything about it or frowned at it. He’d ask me if I loved cock like he loved the idea of that then call me a whore if I said I did. He pushed harder the longer we were together but for some reason I just kept going back for more. I didn’t feel the sting of those words like I knew I should have. I didn’t have it in me to care about them. I was just this vacant body for him to use, trying to care about something enough for it to matter. Sex was an escape to me even if I had to get myself off. I could feel that. So sometimes he’d tell me I looked like a slut and I’d just drop to my knees and start sucking his dick because then it wasn’t an insult anymore. Then he was groaning and fisting my hair and calling me a good slut, his slut but not like he liked that, more like he was half disgusted with me for it, and I guess in hindsight that wasn’t okay but at the time it seemed like it was. And it was better than the alternative anyway. Because if I left him then I had nothing and no one all over again and I was just so fucking tired of being alone. I was better off warming his bed and being his good little whore than I would have been out there.”
“I’ll fucking destroy him before I kill him,” Fox snarled and I could see how much my words were hurting him but he needed to understand them if he was going to understand me.
“It wasn’t all like that. He’d buy me flowers and call me beautiful sometimes. He’d bring me to see his mom and show me off the whole time, telling her how in love we were and how he’d be giving her grand babies soon. I didn’t want that and he didn’t either but it was a pretty lie whenever we went over to her place. But every day I spent with him, more bricks were added to that wall. I was his and I was alone aside from him. And now you want to lock me up in this house and I...I just can't go back to being like-"
Fox stood up suddenly and pulled me into his arms, squeezing me so tight that I felt like my bones might crack though I never wanted him to stop either. I just wanted to stay here, safe in his arms like I'd wished I could so many times in the deepest depths of my heart.
"I would never make you a prisoner like that," he swore, his muscles trembling with barely contained rage as he fought to stay there with me instead of charging out of here in pursuit of fucking Shawn. "I just want you to be safe. I want you to be here. I want to look after you and provide for you and-"
"You threw me away," I c
hoked out, pushing against him until he was forced to release me and I stood there staring up at him with tears in my eyes. "You shoved me down in the mud and told me to never come back, Fox. And I get it. I understand that none of you really wanted that and I know that Luther forced your hand. Maybe I can even forgive you for it. But it doesn't change it. It doesn't change what that set in motion. The only place that I was ever truly safe was here and then I wasn't here anymore, and I was just a fucking kid. So I did what I had to and I don't like the person it made me into, or the things it forced me to do, but somehow I found my way back here and I'm really trying to reclaim the pieces of me that once lived here. I don't want to be this jaded, broken mess of a girl anymore, Fox. But more than that, I don't want to be a man's plaything ever again. I can't be your prisoner even if the walls you'd build around me were made from love. I need to breathe. I need to make my own choices and fuck up in my own ways and I can't here. Not like this."
"You can't expect me to just stop wanting to protect you," he said desperately, taking a step forward as I stepped back. "I don't want to clip your wings, hummingbird. I just want you safe."
I nodded because I got that. But it couldn't go on like this. "Your version of safe is going to break us," I whispered, hating the way my words hit him but needing to say them anyway. "I've been waiting ten years to claim a life for myself and now you're the thing standing between me and it. I want my freedom to include you, Fox. But I can't be a prisoner anymore."
Fox opened his mouth then swiped a hand down his face before turning and striding away from me. I watched in confusion as he headed into the kitchen and pulled open a drawer. He rummaged in the back of it and returned with a set of keys for me, taking my hand and placing them in my palm alongside a heavy flick knife.
"I want you to keep this knife on you at all times. Please don't use these things to do anything insane. I only want to keep you here because I need you to be safe. But I heard you and it fucking guts me to think of you living like that with that fucking monster. You need to know your worth, hummingbird, and I promise you, you're priceless. That asshole saw it too and he wanted to cage you to keep you to himself, but I won't be that to you again. I don't want you to be here because I'm keeping the door locked. I want you to be here because it's where you belong. And I trust you to come to that decision when you're ready to give me your heart, no matter how broken it might be."
Fox leaned down and pressed a kiss against my forehead then turned and headed for the exit, ready to set out on his morning run. He tried to tickle Mutt's ears as he passed him by, but my little pup turned his ass towards him and marched in the opposite direction where he curled up on the floor right beside the fancy ass bed Fox had bought for him. Not in it. I was pretty sure that dog was gonna hold a grudge against Fox for yelling at him until the end of time.
Fox left me there and I twisted the set of keys through my fingers before sighing and leaving them down on the worktop. I inspected the knife a little more closely, frowning as I read Maverick’s name on it and remembering it from when we were kids. Luther had given the two of them a blade each but had accidentally handed over the wrong name to each of them. They’d decided to keep the ones with each other’s names on and had carried them everywhere with them ever since. I set the blade down, wondering if I really was being granted my freedom as I started cleaning up after breakfast.
JJ emerged as I finished washing up and I frowned at him as he slumped down in a chair at the breakfast table, looking dejected.
"What's up?" I asked curiously, tossing some toast on for him and pouring him a pity coffee.
"My cut is due in two days and I just got off the phone to Estelle at the club and I haven't got enough to give Luther."
"Is that normal?" I asked curiously, realising that I didn't have any cash to give Luther either. But then again, I'd never made any promises to give him shit beyond his family being reunited and Shawn's head in a sack, so I wasn't fussed.
"I used to have more than enough every month. But recently it's been a bit harder to pull the money together."
"Why?" I asked.
JJ cleared his throat and looked away from me. "Don't worry about it, pretty girl, I'll figure it out."
I frowned at that statement, wondering why he didn't want to tell me before figuring it out for myself.
"It's because you stopped escorting when we started hooking up," I said, knowing that was the answer without needing to phrase it as a question.
JJ winced a little then nodded. "It's my own fault really. Once I got into the swing of the escort game, I just kinda saw it as easy cash. I mean, sure, I had to blank off my emotions and play up to all kinds of bullshit, but I was raking in the dollars. I guess Luther got used to me being able to pull that kind of money in on the regular and now he expects it. I know Fox would have my back if I told him I wanted out of that side of the game, but he'd also wanna know why..."
I pursed my lips and leaned forward over the kitchen island. "Maybe it's time we told him the truth then," I suggested. "What's the worst that can happen?"
"Are you fucking kidding me? You saw the worst that could happen when he found out Chase had betrayed him. And he hadn't even gone against a direct order. In fact, fuck that - you didn't see the worst that could happen because he banished Chase instead of shooting him right there on the beach."
"Fox wouldn't have-"
"There's a whole lot you don't know about Fox these days, Rogue," JJ growled. "He's not just Luther's number two because he's his kid. He's a fucking animal when he has to be. Brutal, ruthless, and as cutthroat as they come. I've seen what he does to men who betray him and as much as I might like to think that him being my brother means something to him which might save me from that wrath, I've had more than enough evidence to prove it won't. I fucking hate lying to him and I swear I wouldn't about anything else, but..."
The look he gave me melted my heart into a puddle in my chest and I found myself walking around the kitchen island to him before my mind even caught up to what my body needed.
JJ turned on his stool and I stepped between his thighs, running my hands up his chest until they were clasped at the back of his neck and I was looking right into his honey brown eyes.
"I'm not giving this up for anything, J," I promised him, pushing my fingers into his hair and breathing him in. "You're my sunshine when I'm caught in the dark. You make me feel alive even when I'm struggling to hold myself together. You make me feel like I'm worth something even when it's hard for me to see it. You're my rock, Johnny James. I think I need you more than I need the Green Power Ranger."
A breath of laughter escaped him and I stole the smile on his lips by pressing mine to it and drinking it in. His hands came around my waist and he dragged me closer, groaning as I pushed my tongue into his mouth and wound my arms right around him.
"Don't ever let me go, pretty girl," JJ breathed, his eyes flashing with vulnerability which cut me to the quick.
"Never," I growled, surprised by how much I meant that. I didn't let myself indulge in fantasies of the future because I'd learned my lesson on that years ago, but I knew in my heart that no matter what it looked like, I wanted this man right here with me in it.
JJ lifted me suddenly and I squealed as my ass hit the kitchen island, but as tempted as I was to take advantage of Fox being out for the next hour, there was something more important that we needed to deal with, so I pressed him back.
"No sex until we sort out our little problem," I said firmly and JJ groaned.
"The only problem I've got right now is that all the blood in my body has rushed to my-"
"We need to run a job to get you the money you need to pay Luther," I said firmly. "There's no fucking way I'm allowing you to come up short and face that asshole's wrath, let alone the fact that it would bring up some questions for Fox which we don't have an easy answer to right now. So you and me are gonna go run a job and once you've got the money you need, I'll consider letting you between my thighs -
but until then your balls are officially on ice."
"Rogue," JJ huffed in protest, trying to push forward, but I leaned back on my elbows and placed my bare foot against his chest to hold him off as I raised a finger to tell him to shh.
I grabbed my cell phone from my pocket then quickly dialled my fancy pants new friend.
"Hey, Rogue, where the hell have you been?" Tatum asked as she answered the call and I smiled as I filled her in on the last week while JJ stayed exactly where he was, his gaze roaming over me while he pouted over being cock blocked. I'd chatted to Tatum a fair bit over the last few weeks, my lockdown status in Fox's house meaning I could only keep in contact with my friends by phone or text recently.
"I was actually hoping you might have some rich asshole you wanna sell down the river to be a mark for me. We need to be able to take shit that we can sell on easily though - nothing too hot-"
"How about cash?" Tatum asked temptingly and I grinned.
"That would be a hell yes."
"A neighbour of ours is a total sleaze, and he also loves flashing his cash about like it's going out of fashion. He's actually been pissing Saint off recently because he parks wonky or some shit and-"
"He parks his car at an obnoxious angle purely to infuriate me," her boyfriend's voice came from the background of the call. "I have informed him of his less than civilised standards and the very next day he had yet again parked across a white line. I am working on a plan to-"
"So yeah," Tatum cut in again. "Saint would fucking love it if you knocked him down a peg or two and the asshole always brags that he carries like ten grand in cash wherever he goes, so it'll be an easy payday for you."
"Sounds good. So should we just hit him at his house, or-"
"He has a morning tennis match today which he will return from between ten thirteen and ten twenty seven," Saint interrupted. "I apologise for not being able to be more accurate than that, but his schedules are not adhered to as strictly as I would prefer. He will be driving a ghastly red Audi and will be taking Cool Springs Street back home. I suggest you divert him on the road and if you wish to take his vehicle and destroy it, I will personally give you a further five thousand."
Carnival Hill (The Harlequin Crew Book 3) Page 9