Luckily the owner of the house and vehicle hadn't heard my little outburst and as I approached the building, I soon realised they weren't home at all.
There wasn’t a scrap of movement through any of the windows and there wasn't a sound to be heard anywhere.
I did a quick look around the building, peeking through windows and double checking the doors were locked before stopping and looking up at a slightly open window on the first floor.
I glanced around to double check there wasn't anyone about to see me, then grabbed hold of the drainpipe and started climbing towards it.
I kept my eyes on my goal, ignoring the drop below me as I focused on the open window. Why the fuck were so many people dumb enough to leave windows open when they weren’t home? Honestly, I'd never figure it out, but I was glad they were because this was basically the way I'd been earning a living for the last ten years and it kept me fed most of the time. And I was not a girl who enjoyed going without food.
I reached the window and pulled it open, my heart leaping as my foot slipped but then I grabbed the windowsill and heaved myself into a bedroom where I dropped to the floor with the perfect grace of a ballerina. Or maybe it was more like one of those new born foals who fall on their ass a lot, but I was still taking the win. The Green Ranger would have been proud. I mean, not so much of all the stealing and shit, but I liked to think he'd understand my reasons for my criminal behaviour and would wanna be my bestie despite my flaws.
I glanced around the room, spotted a fancy looking necklace on the nightstand and quickly put it on before heading out onto the landing and continuing down the stairs.
One glance around showed me the hook full of car keys and I grinned as I snatched the one I was looking for, opened the front door and hurried over to claim my prize.
The engine purred beneath me as I started it up and I sighed as I leaned back into the leather and hit the gas, roaring out of the driveway and tearing through town to the chop shop in style with my blonde wig blowing in the wind from the open window.
Luther was waiting for me to arrive, sitting out back with a few of his men while they smoked and talked shit together. He got to his feet as I pulled in and I couldn't help but look smug as fuck as he let out a low whistle of appreciation for the car.
I climbed out with a swagger in my step, moving towards him and handing over the keys as he pulled a thick envelope filled with cash out of his pocket and handed it over.
"Nice work, wildcat," Luther commented.
"Don't sound so surprised, grandad, you tossed me out on the streets with nothing for ten years. I had to figure out how to survive somehow."
"Watch your mouth," Luther chastised in a low growl, but he didn't really mean it. Or maybe he did and I was just playing make believe with the idea that he thought my attitude was cute and I'd end up dead for it one of these days. Maybe I didn't really care about that anyway though.
I hopped up onto the hood of the car and folded my legs as a couple of the other Harlequins came to inspect my fresh steal and I began counting my money.
"Don't you trust me?" Luther asked.
"I only trust two things in this life," I replied. "Death and cash. And if I'm looking one in the eye then I'll make sure I get to know it properly before I make any deals with it."
I kept counting out the money, trying not to overthink the insane amount of it so that the temptation to keep it didn't eat at me. I didn't think I'd ever earned this much in one job, let alone held it in my hand and it was seriously tempting to go all squirrel over it and try to smuggle it away.
"What's up with you?" Luther asked, moving closer to me while I continued to count. "You don't seem as perky as usual."
I blew out a breath, trying to force all of the bad shit back down, down, down into that tiny box. But JJ had cracked it open and I could feel my hold on my emotions tearing apart. I was gonna break tonight and when I did it was always fucking messy. But not here. Not now.
"People aren't always as they seem on the outside, Luther," I said, glancing up at him. "Maybe I smile a lot and crack jokes and try to make the best of things, but that doesn't mean I'm not all fucked up inside. Damage isn't always that easy to see and mine runs thicker than blood in my veins. It's just showing a little more than usual because I've had a shitty day."
Luther glanced between me and the cash I was holding, swiping a hand down his face in a way which was reminiscent of his son while I went back to counting every last dollar.
"I feel you on that," he muttered. "But I’ve gotta know if this sudden need for all that money has anything to do with you and Fox. Because despite the ties I've placed on you by bringing you into my Crew being reason enough, you know I can't let you run if that's what you're thinking. For his sake. Sending you away broke something between me and him a long time ago. Hell, I think it broke him. And Maverick...let's just say they need you. And I think you need them too. It might be hard and you might wanna hate me for it for the rest of your days, but it's true. And I can't let you leave again, wildcat. You get that, don't you?"
There was a warning in his voice though I almost imagined there was a hint of concern there too.
I pursed my lips at the feeling of more ties being placed upon me, but I shrugged the feeling off. I wasn't staying here because Luther Harlequin demanded it. I was staying because for better or worse, this was my home. I had no idea what that meant long term, but I could reassure him on that much.
"I'm not going anywhere," I promised, closing the envelope as I finished confirming that all my cash was accounted for. "You don't need to worry about that."
Luther nodded, accepting my word and I slid off the hood of the car, heading towards the exit.
"It's not safe out there for you with Shawn still lurking in the shadows," Luther called, moving into step with me and pointing to his truck which was parked up outside. "Let me give you a ride home. Fox is losing his shit over you giving his guys the slip earlier anyway."
"You know about that?" I asked.
"Yeah. And don't worry, I told him you were running a job for me, so he isn't tearing the Cove apart. But I should get you home safe."
I nodded, climbing into his truck. For a moment I considered asking him to take me to Rejects Park instead of Harlequin House, but I held my tongue. I had one more thing to achieve today and the rage burning inside me wouldn't stand any chance of lessening until I did it.
Luther dropped me to the front door and I used my key to let myself inside, the darkness in me building and building with every step I took as I withdrew into myself.
Fox and JJ were both sitting at the kitchen island as I walked in and they looked around at me with a mixture of relief from Fox and barely concealed rage from JJ who I guessed had been called home following my disappearing act.
I didn't give a shit if he was angry at me for running off though. In fact, I no longer gave a single shit about him at all. If I was nothing more than a client with an unpaid tab to him then he would be nothing but the memory of a long-lost boy to me.
Fox wrapped me in his arms and a little piece of my heart tugged as the familiar scent of him coiled around me and my heart ached to take comfort from him. But that was the mistake I'd made with JJ. I'd let him in and now he was done with me all over again. I couldn't keep being a playing piece for these boys and their wayward emotions. I couldn't keep letting them in when all they ever did was hurt me.
Just be a good little whore and we won't have any problems, will we, sugarpie? Shawn's voice echoed in my ears and I knew he'd seen something in me when he'd spoken to me like that. He'd seen my worth and it had amounted to what lay between my thighs and how much control he could take of it. Which seemed to be pretty much the same as what these men saw in me these days too.
I withdrew from Fox's embrace, my gaze falling to my feet as I tried not to listen to the memories which were creeping in. All the worst thoughts and feelings I'd ever had about myself and all the ways Shawn had made sure I knew that was wha
t he thought of me too.
It hurt. It fucking hurt because I could see it in them now as well. JJ didn't think I was worth more than the value of the cash I had wedged in my back pocket and I was still struggling to figure out what Fox wanted me for.
"Are you okay, hummingbird?" Fox asked, seeming to catch on to my mood without me even saying anything. "You want me to run you a bath or something?"
"Yeah," I agreed, biting down my anger with JJ because of course I couldn't just tell Fox why I was so pissed at him thanks to all the bullshit secrets we'd been keeping. “That would be nice.”
"I'm on it." Fox pressed a kiss to the top of my head and I was so glad that he'd reined in his freak out reaction to me going missing that I caught his hand in mine for a second, squeezing his fingers briefly before forcing myself to let him go.
Fox hesitated, glancing at JJ like on some level he could feel the tension burning between us, but then he just turned and headed upstairs.
Mutt licked my ankle quickly then turned to glare at JJ with his upper lip peeling back in a snarl like he knew it too.
"You shouldn't have run off from the club like that," JJ hissed as soon as he could be certain Fox was out of earshot.
"Well you didn't give me much choice," I replied icily, stalking towards him as I pulled the envelope from my back pocket. "I needed to make sure you got paid for all of your hard work after all." I slapped the envelope against his chest and he caught it automatically, staring down at the cash as several hundred dollar bills tumbled to the floor from the impact. "Now we're square, yeah?"
"Rogue-" he began, snatching my wrist in his grip as I tried to turn away from him, but I cut him off as I whirled back to glare up at him.
"What's wrong? Were you hoping for a tip?" I asked in a mocking tone. "Because I have to say, Johnny James, I think you over charge. So don't worry, I won't be coming back for any repeat service in the future. But I'm sure you're satisfied now that you got what you wanted from me."
His lips parted and something in his gaze tore through my heart, but I didn't care and I didn't want to hear it. He'd made this choice when he reduced our entire relationship to an itemised bill.
"Fuck you, Johnny James," I hissed. "All you did today was prove to me that I was right when I said I never wanted to come back here. I hope that money helps make up for what you lost when you started turning down clients in favour of me, but don't worry - you can go back to your day job now."
I whirled away from him, yanking my wrist out of his grasp and stormed after Fox, ignoring JJ as he called me back and silently thanking Mutt as he dove between us to stop him from grabbing me again.
Tears were burning the backs of my eyes and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the nightmares out tonight. Because everything I'd been working for was fucked. Chase was gone, JJ was done with me, and I could never be what Fox wished I could be. And Rick…Jesus, Rick might even have been more fucked up than me and I knew I wasn’t ever gonna be enough to fix him.
Fox was about to step out of my room as I burst through the door and as he caught me in his arms, my self control fell apart. My lips found his and a sob escaped me as tears rolled down my cheeks and met with his skin too.
Fox groaned as he gave in to what I was taking from him, his strong arms banding around me and dragging me closer as he kissed me back.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss between us as I jumped up and wound my legs around his waist. He walked me to the wall and pinned me against it, his hips shifting between my thighs and making me moan.
I needed to stop. This was selfish and stupid and it would only make things worse because I still couldn't be what he needed me to be. But as his tongue raked over mine, I found myself wishing I could be. That was all I'd ever wanted. To be everything to him and to all of them the way they were to me. But that wasn't a reality which I would ever be able to own, and I couldn't make Fox the promise he needed me to make him.
"I can't," I sobbed, forcing myself to break our kiss even as my fingernails dug into the back of his neck and I began to fist his shirt in my hand. "If I don't stop now, I won't stop at all. Please don't let me hurt you like that, Fox," I whispered as he began kissing my neck and the feeling of his mouth on my skin set my entire body alight.
He stilled at my words, sighing as he took them in and slowly pulled back enough to look me in the eyes.
"I'm more concerned about hurting you while you're feeling like this," he murmured. "But I promise not to let this go any further if you let me stay with you tonight. I don't know what's happened, but that pain in your eyes hurts me too, hummingbird. Let me look after you."
I wanted to say yes, but the idea of that terrified me even more than the idea of being alone. Because if I let him hold me while I felt like this and let him see the person I was beneath all of the bullshit and bravado and the mask I let the world see, then he wouldn't look at me the same anymore. He would know exactly why he shouldn't want me, and he'd understand precisely what I meant when I kept trying to warn him about how damaged I was.
"I need to be alone," I breathed, dropping to the floor and balling my hands into fists as I fought to hold myself together for just a few more minutes despite the tears which wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks.
Fox hesitated but I pushed him towards the door determinedly and he gave in despite the fact that he clearly didn't want to.
I couldn't look him in the eyes as I closed the door between us and my heart hurt even worse knowing I was hurting him by shutting him out. But I couldn't let him in. If I did then I knew I'd be lost to him, and I just couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let any of these men take my heart again or I knew I'd be lost to them forever.
I turned the lock on the door then turned and ran for the en suite, dropping to my knees beside the bath and plunging my head into the hot water Fox had run for me as I let myself scream where no one could hear me.
But I could still hear them. All the memories of all the worst things I'd lived through. The people who had hurt and used me and the whispered words Shawn had driven into my soul like nails driving into rotten wood.
I was the girl no one wanted.
I was the whore they all discarded.
And worse than all that, I was the dead girl who didn't know how to die.
T oday I was playing the regret game again. My stupidity was at the forefront of this one. Ten years. Ten fucking years I’d believed Rogue had chosen Maverick, had given herself to him behind all of our backs and made the decision that would end us for good. I’d harboured so much anger over that, let it bleed into everything I was until I was tainted by it. And all for something that had never been true in the first place.
My dad was right, I was a dumbass kid back then and it looked like nothing had changed. If there was a god up there in the sky, I guess he was confused as fuck over how one person could make so many stupid decisions in their life. When I mapped it all out, I wasn’t even surprised I’d ended up here. Something had to give eventually. So now I was in purgatory, waiting to be shipped off to hell, but not before every regret of my life stared back at me out of the dark and called me a fool.
The one thing I realised about my youth, was that I’d always been happy before I’d thought Rogue had chosen Maverick. I’d been content with her not choosing, because I’d known I was never going to be the choice she made anyway. So long as she didn’t pick, I still had her and my boys. I got to hold onto them all and that was the only thing I’d ever wanted. Us and Sunset Cove. At least she has that now even if I’m not a part of it.
The sound of the door opening upstairs drew me out of the dark trance I was in and the heavy stomp of boots came this way.
“Morning, Mabel,” Shawn called. “Ain’t that shirt real pretty on you. Now close those withered ears of yours. I won’t be held responsible for traumatising an ancient lady. Unless of course, maybe you’re into hearing him scream, you dirty old bird.”
“You stay away from me, you codswa
llop of a boy,” Mabel crowed and my skin prickled at the idea of him hurting her.
But Shawn just chuckled as he switched the light on in my prison then unlocked the door and stepped into the room. I didn’t bother to open my good eye as I rested my head against the wall and felt the darkness creeping under my skin as keenly as the cold.
“Now, now, pretty eyes, I’m getting tired of this no reaction bullshit. I dressed up real perdy for you today. Have a look.”
I looked up just to make him shut up. Not that he ever did for long.
He was wearing jeans and an open checked shirt, his abs on display and a sledgehammer slung over his shoulder. I gave him a dry expression as he did a twirl for me, swinging the hammer through the air. Maybe I should have been afraid of that thing, but all I felt was numb. I was tired of the games, tired of the dark. He’d started leaving me here without the light on and days would slip by where I was caged in my own mind, facing all my poor life choices, unable to do anything but pick them apart piece by piece and accept the torture of my countless failures. That was far worse than anything this asshole could do to me.
“Come on, sugar, gimme a scream. Try to run. Do something. You’re not makin’ this fun for me anymore. And if I get bored, you know what that means.” He wrapped a pretend rope around his throat and made a noose out of it, sticking his tongue out and rolling his eyes back into his head.
“You know what to do then,” I said flatly. “Make it slow or fast, or whatever the fuck you like, I don’t really give a shit, Shawn.”
He went quiet for a moment which was saying something for him then he leaned down, holding out a cigarette and pushing it between my lips. “Have a smoke with me, pretty eyes.” He lit up the end and holy mother of a fuck, I wasn’t strong enough to resist the taste of the tobacco on my lips. I inhaled deeply, dragging in the sweet toxicity and letting it rush down into my lungs, a buzz quickly chasing it. It woke me up, pulling me out of the black depths I’d descended to within my own mind and reminding me of all the rare delights in the world which I’d never had enough off.
Carnival Hill (The Harlequin Crew Book 3) Page 21