"JJ," I breathed, my heart thrashing in my chest as I stared at the cold, hard look on his face and tried to hunt for the boy beneath the Harlequin who stood before me with his muscles bunching and a coldness in his eyes which bit right down into my heart. "You know why I can't tell you that. You know that I-"
"I love you, Rogue," he snapped. "I love you and I want you and I fucking need you. But loving you feels like loving sand I'm gripping tight in my fist while the tide rushes in to claim it. And as much as I want to be able to hold onto you, every time a wave hits, a bit more of the sand is stolen. How long until he takes every piece of you from me? I can't fucking stand it. I can't survive it."
"You're seriously saying all of this to me over one kiss?" I asked him incredulously. "When you've literally watched me fuck Maverick? You've shared me with him, touched me at the same time as him and you never once showed even the slightest hint of jealousy. But now-"
"Are you kidding me? Of course I'm fucking jealous when I see you with Rick. Especially after finding out that you fucked him when we were sixteen, but it's not the same as-"
"I never fucked him back then," I growled furiously. "Chase got that shit wrong. And if he or you had wanted to know the truth about that then you should have just fucking asked me. And if you're so desperate to know about me losing my virginity then you'll be pleased to hear that it wasn't with anyone you know. It was just some asshole who I dated when I was homeless and alone and desperate for someone to love me. Which he didn't by the way - he just liked fucking girls my age. And when he shoved his cock into me it fucking hurt, and I mostly just waited for it to be over, which thankfully it was fast enough. Does that make you feel better?"
"Of course it fucking doesn't," JJ snarled, placing his palms flat on the desk and glaring at me over it. "Nothing that happened to you while you were gone makes me happy, Rogue. It haunts me at night, and it consumes me during the day. When you tell me stories like that, they cut into me and make me fucking bleed for you. Because I love you, Rogue. I've been in love with you since before I was old enough to even understand what love was. You're it for me. I've always known that. But if we keep doing this and I have to watch Fox take you from me it's going to destroy me, and I can't fucking survive that."
"I'm not going to-"
"I know Fox. He always gets what he wants. And that's you. All of you. Not the bits and pieces you're willing to share. And I saw the way you were looking at him when he kissed you. You want that too, you want him and maybe you want me and Maverick as well, but that's not how these things work out, is it? One day you're gonna want the whole picket fence and two point four kids thing, and the stripper who makes you laugh and fucks you like a pro won't be the choice you make."
"Name one single thing about me that makes you believe I want a freaking picket fence?" I demanded. "None of this is on me. It's just your insecurities. I've made it pretty goddamn clear how much I like you - how much I want you-"
"How much you want my cock you mean," he sneered. "Don't think I don't see it in your eyes. When you fuck me, I'm it - the only thing in your pretty little world, but the moment we finish, that look goes away. I lose you every single time as you retreat back behind your walls and push me firmly back out. But that's not how you look at him. You look at him like he's half way through carving a door for you to step through. So I think it's better we squash this now."
"Are you saying you don't want to be with me anymore?" I asked, something fissuring inside my chest and stopping the air from making its way down into my lungs as pain pressed in on me from all sides.
"Be with you?" JJ scoffed. "You were never mine though, were you? So maybe it's best if I just get back to my job and you can get back to your destiny of becoming the Harlequin princess Fox always knew you'd be."
"Your job?"
"Yeah. I don’t fuck for free, Rogue, and you knew that well enough when you dropped your panties for me." JJ snatched a piece of paper from his desk and started writing on it aggressively. "So there's the time on the hood of Fox's truck. The carousel, my bed, my shower, the train car, your bed, the trip out to Dead Man's Isle..." JJ kept jotting down each and every place where we'd had sex while I just stared at him in confusion, my heart thrashing painfully as I tried to understand what the hell he was doing until he tallied off the number at the bottom and scribbled down a figure before striding around his desk and slapping the piece of paper against my chest.
"Here's your bill, sweetheart," he said in a cold, hard tone, his eyes dark with fury as my fingers automatically curled around the piece of paper and I just stared up at him in shock. "And to be honest, I charge by the hour so you're getting a bargain there, because I've given you all the sleepovers and cuddling and all of that bullshit for free."
He shoved away from me, ripping open the door to his office and slamming it behind him as he stormed away.
Pain ripped through my heart as I stared down at the bill he'd given me, each and every moment we'd shared in each other's arms tallied and accounted for like he'd been keeping score the entire time. Like I was nothing but another day's work to him and now he wanted his frigging pay day.
I stared at the figure scrawled at the bottom of the page, my eyes burning with tears which I blinked away aggressively. Because no. Fuck no, he wasn't getting my fucking tears. If that asshole wanted to charge me for his motherfucking time like I meant nothing more to him than any one of his paying clients, then he could have his well earned money.
I didn't even know why I was surprised. Of course he hadn't wanted to keep me. No one ever wanted to keep me. And as the pain of that oh so miserable fact of my life tried to drive its way into my soul, I felt the curtains closing in around my heart. The same ones I used to draw close when Shawn would call me a whore and tell me I was only good for taking his cock. The same ones I'd relied on to keep my feet moving forward day after day while I was all alone and had nothing to live for aside from the sad fact that I didn't want to die.
So I focused on the one clear thing I had to work towards and blocked out the agony trying to consume me as that little lost girl started begging for attention from deep inside me. I wouldn't let her out. I couldn't. I'd bury her just like I'd learned to a long time ago and I'd take JJ's bill as the wakeup call I'd needed. Of course he hadn't just stopped escorting for me. Of course this was all I was to him. And maybe he'd tricked himself into thinking I was something else for a while there but now he'd figured it out. I wasn't worth loving. I wasn't worth any more than any of the women who had paid their way into his bed and now he was rectifying the mistake he'd made by giving me this. So he could have his fucking money. I wouldn't owe any man anything ever again. Least of all JJ Brooks.
I just had to figure out where the hell I was supposed to get twelve thousand, three hundred and sixty-four dollars from. The asshole had even added a surcharge for sucking his cock. Damn we’d had a lot of sex.
I ground my teeth, folded the piece of paper up and shoved it into my back pocket before snatching my phone out and calling Luther.
The pain inside me was threatening to drown me but I just forced it back, retreating from it and numbing myself to it until I couldn't feel it anymore. Until I couldn't feel anything and nothing mattered aside from my goal. I’d get his money then I could lose my shit after that if I had to.
"Wildcat," Luther answered, a curious lilt to his voice. "Do you have good news for me?"
"Not yet," I replied. "I just need some cash. Do you still run a chop shop up on Sailor’s Street?"
"We do. We can turn around pretty much anything there. But if you want some real money, I have a request for a Maserati Gran Tourismo. Fox tells me boosting cars is your talent. I'll give you a cut of ten grand if you can secure one in prime condition."
"Twelve thousand, three hundred and sixty-four dollars," I demanded, the figure from JJ's bill burned into the inside of my skull.
"Fine," Luther agreed with a snort of amusement. "But only if you can get it today."
"Hey, Rogue, what's up?" Tatum asked as she answered my call and a little bit of the pain roaming beneath my skin eased at her friendly tone.
"I was wondering if you're up for hanging out with a criminal tonight? I need to boost a car from your end of town and figured you might wanna come play with me?"
Tatum laughed as a deep, male voice said something on the other end of the line which I failed to catch.
"I've actually just finished up a dinner date at Andre's. Do you know it?" she asked. "I could come meet you-"
"That's just down the road from me. I'll come to you," I said decisively because pulling this job would be a whole lot easier without a Harlequin entourage tailing my ass so ditching my car here was the best move I could make.
"Okay. We'll meet you in the parking lot," Tatum agreed.
"I'll be twenty minutes tops," I promised, cutting the call and opening the office door.
JJ had fucked all the way off and I swallowed down the lump that rose in my throat at him just walking out on me like that. But he'd made his choice and the bill in my back pocket was proof enough of that. So if he wanted to go around making grand statements about our relationship or lack of one, then I was going to take him at his fucking word.
I slipped back downstairs but instead of heading into the club, I jogged along the corridor towards the dressing room where the dancers all got ready for their shows, easing the door open as I reached it and walking inside.
A couple of the guys were laughing loudly in the back corner of the room and I ducked low, grabbing a blonde wig and a pair of rollerblades from the rack of costumes to one side of the space.
I slipped out the back door and sat my ass on the sidewalk as I switched out my sneakers for the rollerblades then tucked my rainbow hair away into my wig and pushed myself upright with my sneakers gripped in my fist.
I didn't have long before my Harlequin escorts would come looking for me, so I had to hurry. After a few slightly wobbly attempts at taking off on the skates, I got into the swing of it and started picking up speed as I headed away from Afterlife in the direction of the burger bar Tatum had mentioned.
My heart felt a little lighter as I moved faster, letting the curve of the hill take me as I gave myself to the moment and forced a smile onto my lips. It didn't sit there as easily as it would have before JJ had dumped me like a chew toy he was bored of, but I kept it in place until I could almost believe it was real. I was pretty much a pro at that these days anyway.
I shot around the corner in record time, finding the burger joint easily and groaning at the scent of fries on the air. I skated round back to look for Tatum, my eyebrows going up as I spotted her leaning back on the hood of a classic white Cadillac with a dude's head buried beneath her long skirt.
I smirked to myself at the opportunity that gave me, switched the rollerblades for my sneakers then jogged back around into the crowded burger bar.
"Order for Karen!" a guy yelled as I made it to the end of the serving line and I swooped in like a hungry seagull to snatch the paper bag and drink he held at the ready. The guy gave me a look which said he questioned my Karenness, but I was already heading on out the door.
I jogged back around to the parking lot and checked out my haul, tossing the cheeseburger to an alley cat who looked half scandalised and half pleased before I grabbed the large portion of fries, dumped the bag and headed back over to the Cadillac.
I took a long sip of my vanilla milkshake as I walked, awkwardly holding it alongside the fries in my right hand so that I could start eating with my left.
Tatum and the boyfriend I'd nicknamed Tats on account of the ink he had covering his skin were just finishing up with plenty of moaning and praising names as I arrived and I grinned at them as he emerged from beneath her skirt.
"Jesus," Tatum gasped as she spotted me, a laugh escaping her as she fell somewhere between embarrassed and amused at my arrival.
"You all done?" I asked around a mouthful of fries.
"No," Tats grunted but I just smiled wider at his frustration, averting my eyes from his pants to make sure I didn't make eye contact with any unsatisfied bulges. That would be hella awkward and though this one of Tatum's men was rougher around the edges and more suited to my usual tastes, I had girl code to stick to, so he was nothing more than a heavily inked potato as far as I was concerned. And no matter how hot that potato may or may not have objectively been, I wasn't gonna be noticing shit about it.
"Well it's a girls' night, so it's not really about you, dude," I pointed out, slurping my milkshake. "You ready to come cause havoc with me, Tate?"
"Yes," she agreed with a grin. "Are you cool to meet me at home, baby?" she turned the doe eyes on Tats and he sighed.
"You just expect me to let you go off with this criminally inclined girl who we barely know and break a bunch of laws with her?" he asked.
"Yeah. Don't wait up." Tatum tiptoed up to kiss his cheek then grinned at me as she hopped into the Cadillac. I didn't need telling twice so I jumped in the passenger seat and relaxed back into my chair as I continued with my meal.
"Where are we headed?" Tatum asked.
"I need to find a Maserati Gran Tourismo. I figured the most likely suspects in town to have one will be over your way."
"Hang on, I'll call Saint. He'll know who has one."
"Is he a car buff or something?" I asked.
"Err, no, he's more like a walking talking map of everything. He literally remembers every detail about all kinds of random shit. He’ll be able to tell you who owns one of those cars, give you the registration for it and give you a bunch of reasons for why he hates whoever happens to own it." Tatum called him as she spoke and the sound of ringing filled the car speakers before a clipped, posh boy voice answered the call.
Tatum filled him in on what I was after and within a few moments we had the full details of some guy who owned the car I was looking for who had offended Saint by wearing his cap sideways. Apparently backwards was just about acceptable, but sideways was an unforgivable crime. I wasn't sure where the logic was in that, but I was willing to go with it.
"So why do you look like someone took a dump on your favourite shoes today?" Tatum asked me as she drove us towards my mark and I sighed audibly before slurping the dregs of my milkshake through the straw.
"Man issues," I muttered.
"I've had more than my share of those," she replied.
"Who hasn't?" I agreed. "My...well I dunno what he was because we weren't putting labels on it exactly, but he used to be a sex worker. Or no, I guess he is a sex worker, but he went on a leave of absence while the two of us were hooking up. Only now he's gotten it into his head that I'm gearing up to leave him for someone else, so despite everything I had to say on the matter he basically just dumped my ass and slapped me with a bill for his services."
"What do you mean a bill?"
I took the itemised list from my pocket and began reading it out to her while her eyebrows raised all the way up into her blonde hairline.
"Wow," she said as I finished. "So what are you gonna do in response to that?"
"Pay the fucking bill of course. The asshole thinks he's being all dramatic and trying to make me feel like I've done something wrong when it's his own insecurities that are causing the problem here. So fine. If I'm nothing but another client to him then I'm sure as fuck gonna pay my bill. I'll even give him a tip. Like, P.S. you’re an asshole and you should work on that."
"Are you sure that's the best way to-"
"Totally sure. If he wants to play this game with me then he will get precisely what he's asking for."
"So you don't want this other guy? Because if you want to have a relationship with-"
"Believe me, I'm not having any kind of relationship with anyone," I growled. "My damage runs too fucking deep for that shit. No one would want me onc
e they got close enough to see that, and JJ just proved it. So now I'm gonna pay my bill and get shit faced - in that order. The rest of it is tomorrow's problem anyway."
Tatum gave me a sympathetic look but before we could get any deeper into it, we pulled up outside a huge house where the car I needed was parked up beneath a fancy looking carport.
"You wanna come back to mine and talk boys some more when you're done here?" Tatum offered with a grin as I grabbed the door handle, preparing for my next move as I eyed my fancy new ride.
"I think I'd be bad company tonight," I admitted because no matter how hard I was trying to keep the smile on my face, it just kept slipping and I was fairly sure I was going to lose my shit soon.
"I can be your getaway driver," she said with a grin and I laughed.
"How about we rain check it for tomorrow when I've got my shit together?" I offered.
"I'm actually going to a cage fight tomorrow, but I could get you a ticket?" she suggested, her eyes lighting with excitement over that.
"That would be a fuck yeah. I'll see you tomorrow then," I promised, hopping out and glancing around for any signs of additional security systems surrounding the property I was planning to hit, but lucky for me, I couldn't see any cameras or anything like that.
Tatum drove away and I released a low breath as I composed myself. I needed to focus on the job at hand, not let the pain in my chest over JJ distract me from it. Besides, fuck him. Fuck him for not listening to a damn word I'd said and double fuck him for giving me a fucking bill. Who the hell did he think he was? I just hoped he enjoyed his fucking pay day because I was seriously done with his shit. I had Jack the Licker and Vlad the Impaler mark two sitting at home with new batteries just waiting for me to use them, so I had no need of his mega cock. Especially if it came with a fucking price tag.
I threw my head back to the sky and screamed in an attempt to banish some of the anger from my body then forced all of my feelings down into a teeny tiny box deep within me and crossed the road to go get my car.
Carnival Hill (The Harlequin Crew Book 3) Page 20