by Karen Deen
The trouble with pushing our sexual connection to new heights is that there are these underlying feelings we’re both trying to deny. To be honest, I’m the one denying them and even worse I know the time is coming where I’m going to have to step away and that’s going to be tough. I’ve got to keep reminding her this is just a bit of fun.
Fuck buddies.
That’s what we are. That’s all we can be.
“Oh, shit. What’d you do that for?” I stop running on the treadmill and rub the back of my head where Xavier has just whacked me.
“Because whoever the chick is you’re dreaming about, she must really have you on the hook. I called you three times and you just ignored me. You’re warm enough, now get over to the punching ball and give me ten minutes going through the normal routine.”
I walk over to where he’s pointing, trying to clear my head.
“So, who is she, anyway? You’ve been a bit quiet this week. Haven’t seen you much. Too busy buried in pussy?” His stupid grin tells me he’s baiting and ding, ding, ding he’s a winner.
“Don’t you ever talk about Lilly like that!” I growl and then it hits me. Oh fuck, what’ve I done.
Xavier looks at me stunned, slowly blinking three times.
“Holy fuck. You’re fucking Lilly, aren’t you? You sneaky, little rat.”
“Don’t you dare tell anyone and that includes Alesha. Got it?” I’m literally yelling at him while I’m mentally smacking myself around the back of the head. “No one can know. There are things happening that are about to make this messy.” Now I’m rambling like a girl. “I just can’t explain everything, but please, I need you to keep this to yourself. She’ll kill me.”
Xavier has gone from shock, to laughing, to a serious face, trying to work out what the hell I’m going on about.
“You need to take a breath, man, and slow down. I think we need to skip the session in here and grab a coffee and walk. You have some explaining to do and I have a feeling some work shit to get off your chest too. We can’t do it in here. Let’s go.” Not taking no for an answer, he’s pushing me towards the café to grab our coffees.
All I can think about is Lilly and how she’s going to be pissed that Xavier knows. He just caught me off guard on a morning where my head’s messed up. I should know better. My job depends on me never saying things without thinking about what’s coming out of my mouth. Do that sort of thing on the job and you can get someone killed. Or even yourself for that matter. Maybe he’s right. I need to unload some of this to straighten out my head. I just don’t know if it’s even possible where Lilly is concerned. She has barreled in there and is digging in her fuck-me heels and wants to stay. She doesn’t plan on going anywhere. God help me.
We walk the first five minutes without a word between us. Xavier knows what I need. Space to filter and then I purge what needs to come out. Maybe I was meant to blurt that out before. Time to unload, which I haven’t done in a while.
“Okay, so like I said, you can’t tell anyone but yes, Lilly and I are having a bit of fun. No attachment, just a friends-with-benefits thing. Mutually beneficial without the bullshit of a relationship.”
“You’re fuck buddies then?” When Xavier says that it makes my skin crawl, yet I’ve been saying it all along and thinking it’s funny.
“Watch it.” I’m giving him that look. The one that he knows means back off.
“Pretty touchy for no attachment. Just saying.”
“You’re so frigging hilarious, aren’t you? I was stupid enough to think I could do it. But you’ve seen her. You know what she’s like. Holy shit, man!” I gulp down another mouthful of coffee, seeing all these visions of Lilly running through my head like a movie reel. “She is so hot and, man, the sex is out of this world. I never expected to feel like this. You know how I feel about relationships. I’m too fucked-up in the head to be the man I should be, to any woman. I don’t have the safety and stability to give anyone. Plus, no one deserves to know the dark shit in my head. Only you get that privilege.” I slap him on the back as he starts laughing at me.
“Yeah, and I’m going to start charging you by the hour before long. My couch has your name plaque already attached to it.” I know he’s joking but I do feel guilty sometimes for the amount I unload on him. After this undercover operation, it might be time I find myself a professional therapist so I can save my best friend from carrying my burdens.
“You’re not worth paying more than the beers I turn up with.” We both smile and keep walking a bit farther. I could use more coffee to get through this. Why is it I don’t find it hard talking to him about some really awful things I see and do, yet I’m finding talking about Lilly the hardest conversation of all.
“We had this night in New York which led to Lilly coming up with the friends-with-benefits deal. That night was one neither of us could let go of and wanted more. I knew she was trouble, I mean, look at her, she just oozes it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I laid out my rules and made her promise she wouldn’t get attached.” Running my hand through my hair, I know I’ve fucked this up.
“Told her I just want fun. Oh yeah, the funny thing is, the joke’s on me. She’s making me feel things I have never felt before. I’m thinking about things that I scrubbed off my life plan years ago. I can’t get her out of my head, man. Is this what it’s like with Alesha?” I hear his feet stop and turn back to look at him.
“You are in big trouble, my friend. It’s written all over your face. You’re falling for her, aren’t you?”
“Fuck no!” I turn to walk away and then stop. Who the hell am I trying to kid? This is Xavier who knows me better than I know myself. Shit. He slowly walks up and stands beside me.
“I know that petrifies you. Can I tell you this, though? From the moment Ally stole my heart, I have never looked back. My life has become so much more. I can’t even describe it. But I’ve got a feeling you finally know what I mean.” Xavier guides me to a park bench so we can just sit and chat about this properly, without me running away from what I’m feeling.
“How is Lilly with this whole thing?”
“Falling just as hard. I see it in her eyes, I hear it in her voice, and I feel it in her touch. But she’s just as scared as I am to admit it. Plus, she doesn’t even know the half of it.” I drop my face into my hands. Here comes the painful part.
“What do you mean, man?” Xavier sounds confused and I get that. This whole thing is crazy.
“This is the exact reason I never wanted to be with anyone. Here’s the kicker to this story. Any day now, I’ll be going undercover again and don’t know for how long. It’s to do with this case I’m working on that we think has merged into another one. I can’t tell you much and you have to keep the fact I’m going undercover to yourself. This is top secret even in my station. I think they must feel there’s a cop involved somewhere. Anyway, let’s just say I have no choice but to tell Lilly it’s over. She can’t be with me while I’m working this case and she can’t know where I am. It’s fucked, Xav. I’m going to break her heart. I already know that. I should have backed off straight away, but I just can’t. I’m selfish and want to have every last minute I can get with her, before she never wants to see me again.”
“What makes you think she won’t come around when you finish the case, or can’t you tell her to wait for you?” His thoughts are good but will never work.
“I wish it were that easy. No one can know I’m undercover. Plus, I’m damn sure once she finds out where I’ve been working, she won’t want to touch me.”
“What makes you so certain?”
“Because I’m going undercover into sex clubs, and if needed, I may have to get involved in the activities if we’re getting close to the suspect. How do you think she’ll cope with that?” I sigh with some relief that I’m finally able to talk to someone about what’s been weighing on my chest.
“With a knife, and it will involve her cutting your dick off, then stringing you up by your balls o
n a flagpole. Holy shit, Kane, what have you gotten yourself into?”
“A whole world of hurt, Xav, a whole world of hurt!” We sit there for a few minutes just processing everything that’s been said. I need to ask him one question that is important to me. “Promise me one thing?” He looks at me waiting. “You’ll look after her while she’s hurting and keep her safe while I’m gone?” I need to know that someone is watching her.
“That’s a given, man, but you need to promise me one thing too. Actually, two things. First, that you’ll be careful and stay safe. Don’t take unnecessary risks and if it gets bad, then get out. Not worth your life for some other deadbeat’s life. The second one is, you better promise me that you will be back for the wedding. I can’t get married without my best man.” We exchange the love that we share but we don’t often mention. “I mean it, Kane. I need you, buddy, don’t get hurt. Understand?” It’s the first time in a long time he’s gotten forceful with me. We have that brief man hug that means more than both of us will ever put into words.
“Promise on both counts. I didn’t save your ass on that mountain to miss you handing over your balls to Ally. I’ll be there. No matter what.” We both start to laugh. This whole situation is so crazy you just have to laugh it off. Who would even imagine an undercover operation involving nightly visits to sex clubs? A month ago, being single, I would have thought I’d won the lottery with this assignment. Now all I can see is a whole world of hurt.
“How long do you think you’ve got before you’ll get the call?”
“Could be days, could be weeks, or even tomorrow, but let’s hope they catch the bastard before I’m needed.”
“When are you going to tell her?”
“No idea. It’s not easy. Every time I think about doing it or what I’ll say to her, I just get pissed off instead. I just end up seeing her happy when we’re together. My next vision is one of heartbreak and it makes me feel devastated that I’ll be the cause.”
“You know the longer this goes on, the harder it’ll be for you and the more heartbreak there’ll be for her.” He’s looking like the expert therapist he certainly isn’t. Xavier glances at his watch and starts to move.
“Sorry, man, I have to get back to the gym. Ally and Lilly are due in for their personal training session. I can cope with Ally if I’m late, but Lilly scares the hell out of me. Good luck to you, I say.”
Laughing, we head back to the gym at a light jog.
“Yeah, I’m going to need it. I think you should be more worried about my safety with Lilly, than when I’m undercover. At least I have a gun to protect myself when I’m working. My balls are already shriveling up inside trying to hide from her.”
It feels good to laugh and be able to just talk to someone about everything.
Now to face Lilly and keep my feelings under control. Easier said than done.
I hear her voice and laugh before I even see her, as we come through the doors of the gym. Standing with Alesha, Nat and some guy I don’t know. They’re laughing and he’s putting his hand on her arm as he talks to her. The calmness I was starting to feel after talking to Xavier is now gone in a split second.
Stalking over to her, I give this guy the look that says back the fuck away from my girl or I will cut off the limb you are touching her with. He sees me before I even make it to them. Getting the picture loud and clear, he takes a step away from her.
“Anyway, I better run. Bye, girls.” The wimp is already on his way. Just as well.
I feel a hand grab my arm from behind, and I swivel, ready to flatten whoever’s touching me.
“Breathe, man, he was just talking to her. That’s it. Remember, no attachment.” He saves me every time. He keeps walking ahead of me to give me time to calm down.
The girls turn at the sound of his voice.
“Hello, my girls.” Alesha’s eyes light up at the sight of him. Nat rolls her eyes, but my spitfire Lilly can’t help herself.
“Ah, just clarifying. Not your girl, that would be just awkward.” Everyone laughs including me as I get closer now. I greet them all good morning with a kiss on the cheek, leaving Lilly till last and lingering that few seconds longer just to inhale her scent and whisper in her ear.
“Morning, my Red.” As I draw away and see the fire I lit in her eyes, and hear the slightest gasp, it has my cock twitching. Telling her she’s mine is feeding my inner caveman but in turn just making me be a bigger asshole. I’m just setting her up for more hurt.
Xavier takes over and creates the distraction I need to pull back.
“Okay, ladies, none of this standing around chit-chatting. That includes Kane, you big girl. We have a lunch to be at today and anyone who’s late, you’re on your own with Sophia. I’m not upsetting my future mother-in-law. So, let’s get started.”
I take this as my cue to leave and bid them farewell, telling them I’ll meet them there. I head to the locker room to grab my gear. I feel her eyes on my back, but I don’t turn around to acknowledge it. I’ve got a few things I need to do before this lunch and one of them is work out how the hell I’m going to let Lilly down gently.
***
My mother taught me you never show up at someone’s home for a meal empty-handed. I do enjoy baking sweets, although I don’t really get time much to do it. I want to show Lilly my skills. I make a mean batch of red velvet cupcakes. I’m not sure the kids will appreciate them, so I’ll whip up a set of plain chocolate and vanilla ones. Besides, I need a distraction this morning to stop me overthinking Lilly and the lunch with her whole family today. It’s easy to pretend when there are just a few people around, but being with all the couples and kids I have a feeling is just going to add to my confusion.
If there is one thing I’ve seen since meeting all of Lilly’s family, it’s how close they are. They may bicker and stir each other up and push all the buttons. But their love and protection of each other is far stronger than the annoyance that you get from siblings. The strength they have as a family unit helped us all get through that awful night, where we thought we’d lost Xavier. No matter what, they will always be there for each other. That is what I will be missing out on by not marrying or having my own children. That unconditional love. I get it from my parents, but I’ll never be able to feel it with my own family I create.
I need to stick to the plan. It’s for the best.
My phone chimes while I’m trying to get the volume of batter in each casing even, so the batch all looks the same. I almost ignore it, but when it chimes a second time, I give in. Setting down the bowl and spoon, I see it’s from my Sergeant. Shit, I hope this isn’t what I think it is.
Reading the text, my heart sinks. Monday is the day.
So, this is it.
Tonight is my last night with Lilly.
This will be a night neither of us will ever forget.
I can guarantee it.
I should break her loose before tonight, but there’s no way I can do that.
Being the selfish bastard I am, I’ll take my fill, and tomorrow we say goodbye.
Tomorrow I break her heart, and maybe mine too.
19
Lilly
GRABBING OUR BAGS FROM the lockers in the changeroom, I still don’t know if I should ask her or not. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to do it. It’s not like I’ve been down this path before. Shopping off the internet is different. Will she even cope with it if I take her?
“Lilly, what’s wrong, you’re staring off into space, it’s not like you.” Lesh is standing in front of me looking worried. I nervously look around to see if we’re on our own. I’m trying to work out how to ask her.
“Seriously, Lil, are you okay?”
Taking a deep breath, I try to think but it’s too late, I just blurt it out.
“I want you to come shopping now with me to an adult sex shop.” I don’t know what to do or where to look. I’m supposed to be the confident one and yet I feel like a little kid waiting for a reaction from my parent for
saying something naughty.
Oh god, please say something. I’m dying here.
Finally, she goes to open her mouth then closes it.
Her cheeks redden and then she starts to giggle. Not like a little laugh but a full giggle, with tears running down her cheeks.
“Well, that’s not the reaction I was expecting but okay.” I’m still at a loss as to what her answer is. “Can you at least say yes or no?” I ask a little huffily.
“I don’t even know how to answer that. I have so many questions.” Still trying to catch her breath, I’m getting more frustrated at Alesha. My embarrassment is showing and my sister who’s supposed to be the quiet one can’t stop laughing at me.
“Answer first and then questions come later.”
Sensing my irritation, she tries to pull herself together. “I’ve never done that before, I’m not sure, Lilly. Won’t it be embarrassing?”
I knew I should have just done this on my own. “Don’t worry about it. Forget I said anything.”
Alesha reaches out and puts her hand on my arm. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t go, it’s just way out of my comfort zone. But if you need me to go with you, I will. As long as you promise not to tease me for my red face, and don’t ask me to touch anything. Got it?” She looks as nervous as hell but finally I feel like I can start to relax a little.
“Thank you, I won’t embarrass you, I promise. Just so you know, I’ve never been to one either. We’ll pop our sex-shop cherries together.”
Alesha groans as she drops her head into her hands. “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. Xavier is going to think this is hilarious.”
“Wait. We don’t need to tell him. Let’s just keep this between us girls.”
Her face tells me she’ll struggle with a secret. “Lilly, why are we shopping at a sex shop?”
I don’t know how much to tell her. I’m the one she’s always complaining about the oversharing of my sex life. Here I’m having the biggest crisis with my feelings, in a ‘non’ relationship with her fiancé’s best friend and I’m not supposed to say anything. It’s Alesha, though, I need to talk to someone, and she is the most trustworthy person I know. It’s not really fair to ask her to keep it from Xavier, but I need to tell her. I’m getting close to exploding.