No Cone Unturned (Apple Orchard Cozy Mystery Book 12)

by Chelsea Thomas

  “This disguise pretty good,” I said in my Russian accent.

  “What did you say?” Humphrey looked up at me from a nearby table. “Are you talking to me? I’m not wearing a disguise. This is me. This is my beautiful face and my magnificent body. Are you single?”

  I stammered. “No. Why you ask? Me, I am married woman. Fifty-eight years. My husband still does push-up every day and he never breaks sweat. I do zero push-up. I break sweat crossing street. You don’t need to know that.” I pulled my collar. How had I found a way to mention my sweat even when I was disguised?

  “You’re strange. I’m no longer interested.” Humphrey snapped open a newspaper and looked away.

  I chuckled and headed over to Teeny and Miss May. They didn’t notice as I approached so I sidled up to their table and just stood there, looking down at them. Miss May cast a glance up at me. “Can I help you?”

  “I want your table,” I said in an angry, Russian voice. “Get out. You give it to me.”

  Teeny got to her feet and faced me, arms akimbo. “This is our table. We will not sacrifice it just because you say so. This might be a small town but you can’t just come here with your scary Russian accent and push people around. I’ve got a lot of bark and even more bite. I’m serious. I’ll bite.”

  “Bring it on, tiny blonde woman.” I bit my lip to keep from laughing. “Bite me.”

  Teeny scowled. Obviously she had not been prepared for this hulking Russian stranger to call her biting bluff.

  Miss May reached out to guide Teeny back down into the chair. “Nobody is going to bite anyone. I think the three of us have gotten off on the wrong foot. Teeny, this is my niece, Chelsea. Chelsea, meet Teeny.”

  My jaw dropped. “You knew it was me. That is so annoying. Nobody else recognized me. Humphrey tried to take me out on a date.”

  Teeny squinted at me. “Chelsea. You’re terrible! What’s with this getup?”

  “I’ll tell you in a second. First Miss May needs to reveal how she knew my secret identity.”

  Miss May pointed out my feet. “The Russian lady was wearing Chelsea’s scuffed up tennis shoes. Kind of gave it away. I can even see Steve the dog’s teeth marks on the tongue.”

  I looked down. Steve’s teeth marks looked back up at me, almost like they were laughing. “OK, fine. Good job. I guess I’d be scared if you didn’t know it was me, considering your sterling reputation as an amateur sleuth.”

  Teeny crossed her arms. “I would have recognized you, too, I just don’t know your shoes as well as Miss May does.”

  “Other than the shoes, that’s a great disguise.” Miss May pulled out a chair and motioned for me to sit. “Take a seat. Explain.

  “She doesn’t need to explain,” said Teeny. “Chelsea got her hands on a disguise. She decided on a Russian old lady persona. And she walked around town to enjoy the feeling of being anonymous for a little while. I would do it too, if I had access to a disguise. Chelsea, can I borrow this when you’re done?”

  I shrugged. “If you want Humphrey hitting on you, sure,” I said.

  Teeny looked over at Humphrey. He was licking butter off his hands. “On second thought, I’ll pass.”

  “I think this disguise is related to our investigation,” said Miss May.

  Teeny smacked her forehead with her palm. “Of course. The investigation. That’s what I meant to say. I got confused, that’s all.”

  Over the next few minutes, I told Teeny and Miss May about my visit to the vacant storefront and my conversation with Damien. I concluded by describing how Amy had intruded on my time with Damien. Miss May and Teeny looked on with shock as I described Amy’s anger and the situation with the lease.

  “So Amy wanted to open her dog grooming location in that spot?” Teeny asked.

  I nodded.

  “Aha! Mmm-hmmm. Wait. What does that mean?” Teeny said.

  “It means Amy had a lot to gain from Todd’s death,” said Miss May. “Namely, access to Pine Grove’s only available commercial real estate location. But I think we should take another look at that lease. Chelsea, did you find it in your room?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Here, I took a photo…”

  I pulled out my phone and searched for the photo I had taken of the lease.

  Miss May continued talking as I flipped through my pictures. “Damien told Amy that Todd was going to pay two thousand dollars a month to rent the location, right?”

  “That’s right,” I said. Finally, I found the photo. “Here’s the picture.”

  Miss May reached out and I gave her my phone. “Uh-huh. I thought this might be the case. Look. There’s a different number on Todd’s lease. Hold on, let me look closer.” Miss May held up the phone and pinched to zoom. After a few seconds, she looked up with a smile. “Yep. Todd is only paying half of the rate Damien Hamilton claimed to be charging. Todd’s contract was going to be one thousand a month, not two.”

  Teeny scratched her head. “That’s a sweet tart of a deal.”

  “I think you mean a sweetheart,” I said.

  Teeny shook her head. “No. Sweet tart. Like the amazing, sour, sweet candies? That’s the expression.”

  “It doesn’t matter what the expression is.” Miss May put the phone down on the table. “I’m not sure this Damien guy is such a good suspect in Todd’s murder after all. It seems maybe the two men were friends. Damien was giving Todd a low rate, even though he could have gotten twice as much from Amy.”

  “I agree,” I said. “If Damien was giving Todd a great deal I doubt the two of them were enemies.”

  Teeny leaned forward and whispered. “So Amy is our top suspect now?”

  “She wants to rent out that location real bad,” I said.

  Suddenly, Teeny sat straight up, covered her mouth and widened her eyes.

  “What? What’s going on?” I turned around to try to figure out what Teeny had seen. And I gasped just like Teeny had. Amy had entered the Brown Cow, and she was at the counter, ordering a drink. She looked over and caught Teeny’s eye. Teeny gave Amy a small wave. “Amy. Hi!”

  Amy waved back, then turned back to Brian and finished ordering her drink.

  “Why did you say hi to her?” Miss May said. “Now she’s going to come over here and see Chelsea in the disguise.”

  “I don’t know! I’m naturally cordial. I couldn’t help it.”

  Seconds later, Amy approached, holding her beverage. “Hi, ladies.” She turned her head and looked at me. “Hello, again.”

  “Hi,” I said, accidentally using my normal voice. I switched back to the Russian voice. “I mean, hello. Nice to see you again.”

  “I’m sorry I got worked up earlier. That place is important for my business, that’s all. I don’t have any problems with you. Especially not if you know Teeny and Miss May.”

  “Ah. I do not know them. Not really. Does anyone truly know anyone? Anyhow, I fell down over by counter. They helped me off ground. Offered me place to sit and rest my weary feet. Nice women but the tiny one is too chatty. Is kind of annoying.”

  Teeny turned up her palms. “I’m not annoying.”

  “Relax. I kid, I jokes,” I said.

  Amy laughed. “OK. Well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. You three have a great day. I’ll be driving the streets, looking for pets to groom. Hey, if I don’t get hired soon, maybe I could start grooming the deer. Even wild animals look better with a little styling sometimes. I wonder who would pay me for it though…Other deer? Huh.”

  We all watched as Amy shuffled out, climbed in her van and drove away. Once she was gone, I turned back to Teeny and Miss May. “So what do we do now?”

  “I’m going to order a cup of coffee with whipped cream and sprinkles for the road.” Teeny stood up and wiped her hands on her pants. “Then I think we should try to figure out if that nice young lady is the killer.”

  16

  Furrocious Friends

  Teeny wanted to leave the Brown Cow right away so we could find Amy. That soun
ded like a good plan to me. But Miss May didn’t agree.

  “It’s getting late on a Sunday. Let’s get a good night’s sleep and come back to this in the morning.”

  Teeny pressed her palms down on the table. “She could be gone by tomorrow. You saw her hurry in here, grab that coffee, and leave. The girl is in a rush to go somewhere, if you ask me. It was outta control!”

  “She seemed in control to me,” I said. “And weird behavior doesn’t mean she’s definitely guilty, anyway. I was in that meeting Amy had with Damien, remember? He was a jerk to her, and she was obviously worked up. That could easily explain her tense and rushed demeanor.”

  Teeny shook her head. “I don’t think we should wait. I’ve seen this play out too many times on Jenna and Mr. Flowers. They’re hot on the trail of the killer. Inches away, sometimes. Then, Jenna needs a cup of tea. Mr. Flowers needs a long, healthy nap. Or they return home to feed their cats or to read just one more chapter of whatever book they’ve been enjoying. Then, when they get back to the case, their lead has dried up like spit on a summer sidewalk.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “Thanks for the disgusting visual.”

  Teeny smiled. “You’re welcome. I like that one. That was obliteration. How I used the ‘s’ in spit, summer, and sidewalk. Yeah. I’m literary like that.”

  “I think you mean alliteration,” I said.

  “No. Obliteration. I obliterated that sentence.”

  I sighed and rolled my eyes. “OK. Sure. I’ll take your word for it.”

  Teeny turned to Miss May. “So what do you think? Did my rock solid argument change your mind?”

  Miss May stood, pulled on her jacket, and gathered her things. “No. I’ll call you tomorrow. We’ll pick this up then.”

  “But—”

  Miss May held up her hand. “Trust me, Teeny. It’s been a long day. I don’t want to do anything that might be dangerous. At least not until we all get a little rest.”

  “OK, fine,” said Teeny. “But it goes against everything Jenna and Mr. Flowers has taught me.”

  I woke up early the next morning. Like, too early. It was still dark out. Oh well, I thought. At least I’ll have the house to myself for a while.

  No such luck.

  Miss May was already in the kitchen when I sauntered in. She looked over at me with a smirk. “Good morning. Early for you.”

  “You’re right,” I said. “It is early. Why are you awake? Do you ever sleep?”

  “The older you get, the less you sleep. The less you need to sleep, in fact,” said Miss May.

  “That sounds nice,” I said. “Although, I like sleeping.”

  Miss May shook her head. “It’s a blessing and a curse. So many mornings I wake up with energy I don’t know how to use. So I clean, or I bake, or I read. Then I look over at the clock and it’s not even 7 AM.”

  I poured myself a cup of coffee and added six gallons of cream and three pounds of sugar. I caught Miss May looking at me and chuckling to herself. “What?” I asked.

  Miss May shook her head. “Nothing. It’s just funny how you go through these phases with coffee. When you moved here, you barely drank coffee at all. Then, for awhile you wouldn’t drink anything unless it was crazy sweet. Then you started being able to drink stronger coffee, without tons of sugar. Now you’re back to brown sugar water, just when I thought you were going to start drinking your coffee black and burnt, like the cowboys used to like.”

  “I don’t think I’ll ever make it to cowboy-coffee levels,” I said. “I think they drank the grounds and all.”

  “Nobody’s cowboy-coffee tough in this household, not even KP. All I’m saying is, you really go back and forth with your coffee tastes.”

  I shrugged. “It depends on my mood. And how bad I want to treat myself to something.”

  “Black coffee isn’t a treat?” Miss May asked.

  “Black coffee is medicine.”

  I sat down at the kitchen table and took a sip of coffee. OK, fine, coffee might be a strong word for the drink I had on that particular morning. It was more of a creamy, sweet, light, light, light brown beverage. Looked and tasted a lot like melted chocolate ice cream.

  Miss May sat across from me. “Are you ready for an adventure today?”

  I sighed. “Adventure? What adventure?”

  “We’re going to find Amy, remember?”

  I sipped my coffee and lowered the mug. “No, I know that. But adventure might be an overstatement. We’re going to talk to a dog groomer, who’s also kind of our friend. Amy’s not an international criminal.”

  “So you really don’t think she did it.”

  “I don’t,” I said. “I can’t imagine it.”

  Miss May eyes twinkled. “Me neither. Not really. But we’ve been surprised before. And we need to take every suspect seriously.”

  “So if you don’t think she did it, why is this going to be an adventure?” I asked.

  Miss May sipped her coffee. “Because I have no idea where she lives.”

  “Me neither.” I scratched my head. “Does Amy even live in Pine Grove?”

  Miss May shrugged. “I don’t think so. She said she was not from here, remember? And her business is mobile, so she can go anywhere to work. She could be from anywhere around here. Or even further away than around here. She may be from all the way over there.”

  “Where is there?” I said.

  “Anywhere,” said Miss May.

  I waggled my pointer finger in the air. “I know what we’ll do! We’ll call the number on Amy’s business card and tell her we need her to come here for a grooming.”

  “I’m not sure about that,” said Miss May.

  “I suppose you’re right,” I said. “Amy was here recently to groom Kitty and Steve. And she knows all about our investigations. If we call her and pretend the animals need to be groomed again it’ll tip her off.”

  “Sure,” said Miss May. “Also… I emailed Amy last night. Told her our tiny horse needed to be groomed. Asked if she could come to the farm today or anytime this week.”

  I looked up at Miss May. “She said no?”

  “Worse. She said she can’t come anytime in the foreseeable future. Said she’s ‘just too busy’ with other appointments.”

  “But we both know she’s been desperate for business.”

  “I realize that,” said Miss May. “That’s why I’m suspicious.”

  “But you said you thought she was innocent,” I said.

  “I said she didn’t seem like a killer. That doesn’t mean she couldn’t have been an accomplice. Not every murder is simple, especially not when women are involved in the killing. Women are planners, plotters, schemers. Poison-in-the-flask kinda thinkers. Not many of us are killers, sure. But we’ve all got that one person we hate almost enough to do the deed.”

  “You think Amy might’ve contributed to Todd’s death indirectly,” I said.

  Miss May nodded.

  “But… if we don’t have an address and we don’t even know what town Amy lives in,” I said, “then how are we going to find her?”

  Miss May finished the coffee in her cup with one big gulp. “With good, old-fashioned, small town group-think.”

  I chuckled. “So you want to drive around and ask people.”

  Miss May pointed at me. “Exactly.”

  Miss May and I did chores around the farm and the bakeshop until around 9 AM. Then we piled into my light blue pickup and headed off to gather Teeny and randomly question the people of Pine Grove.

  When we arrived at Teeny’s house, she hurried out wearing an all black pantsuit. I laughed as she climbed into the pickup truck.

  “I love the outfit,” I said. “That’s the most formal attire anyone has ever worn in this truck.”

  “That’s not true,” said Teeny. “Germany Turtle was often wearing his bizarre denim suits in here.”

  “I don’t think he considered those denim suits formal,” I said. “I think he was trying to be folksy.”


  “What a strange boy,” said Miss May. “Almost as strange as Teeny wearing a black pantsuit right now for no reason.”

  “This is my international spy attire. Don’t worry, I haven’t taken the tags off. I want to try it out today, see how the fabric performs in the field. You never know if you might end up somewhere glamorous or exciting. Are we going somewhere glamorous or exciting?”

  “We’re driving around town to ask people if they’ve seen Amy or her dog grooming van.”

  Teeny pouted. “Fine. I might be a touch overdressed.”

  We stopped at all of our usual haunts to talk to the townspeople. Miss May came up with a story about how Steve the dog had gotten caught in a pricker bush and needed to be groomed. And she told the tale to anyone who would listen. The list of people included Tom Gigley, the town lawyer, Brian at the Brown Cow, and Humphrey, the grumpy old man who had almost asked me out when I was wearing my disguise. But no one in town had seen Amy or her van for at least a day.

  As we walked past the little park in the center of town, we were flagged down by John Wentworth. John was mowing the lawn in the little park, wearing a town employee uniform. He called out to Miss May with a smile but she looked away and quickened her pace.

  “Miss May. Mr. Wentworth is waving to you,” I said.

  “I know. I’m trying to avoid him.”

  Teeny scratched her head. “I’m confused. What’s going on?”

  “Mr. Wentworth has expressed romantic interest in Miss May,” I said. “Every time he plowed our driveway this past winter, he asked about her. But for some reason, Miss May refuses to flirt back or even entertain the notion that going on a date with Wentworth might be nice.”

  “It would be painful,” said Miss May, “for everyone involved. Do you know the last time I was on a date? Neither do I! And anyway, it’s not like I stopped talking to Wentworth on purpose. It just stopped snowing.”