The Long Way Home

by Cassandra Javier

“Come on, I wouldn’t want this to be the last date. I like you.”

  “Whoa, easy, easy. What did you say?”

  “I like you.” Blake said, “I know you’d think it’s too early to say that but…I do. Really. You’re just this…breath of fresh air, and I enjoy talking to you. A lot. I wanna get to know you more.”

  “Blake,”

  “Listen,” He said, “The more I talk to you, the more I get…enthralled. You are beautiful, and not just physically, Serena, I…”

  “Blake, we all have these people we enjoy talking to.”

  “I know, but it’s different with you.” Blake told her, “You’re like magic.”

  Serena laughed, “Oh, don’t use those lines on me.”

  “But,”

  “Okay, here’s the deal,” She said, “I can’t promise you anything, Blake. You’re a wonderful guy, and though we haven’t known each other for a long time, I do enjoy talking to you. It’s just…Realistically speaking, this thing between us…it won’t really go anywhere. I’m leaving, you probably will, too. The only thing that could happen is a…I don’t know, an online communication, maybe, but we both know even that isn’t gonna make it all work. So…maybe, we should just enjoy our time together and move on when we have to.”

  Blake just didn’t know what to say.

  ***

  Blake brought Serena home that night.

  “Hey,” Serena said, “Don’t be sad, you haven’t spoken for much of the night…I just wanted to be honest with you, Blake, you deserve the truth, you know?”

  “Yeah,” He said, “I understand. It’s just…Can we go out again? I mean, sure, you’re leaving soon, But as you’ve said, we must enjoy whatever we have left so…”

  Serena nodded her head, “Sure.” She said silently and gave him a peck on the cheek, “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

  Blake nodded his head.

  Enchanted

  “So, how was the big date?” Gina asked as Serena went inside the house. Gina was on the sofa, drinking some juice and watching TV when she came in.

  Serena threw her bag on the sofa and removed her Blazer, “It was fine…” She said.

  “Fine?”

  Serena sat down on the couch across Gina, “He told me liked me.”

  “Whoa!” Gina exclaimed, “and then?”

  “Then I told him we had no future.”

  “W-what?”

  “G, I’m leaving, we both know that. And besides, I didn’t totally blow him off…I told him we better just enjoy whatever time we had left.”

  “Serena, what if he doesn’t just want to enjoy this? What if he really likes you?”

  “Then I’d think he’s crazy. Because…that’s just not possible. He’s not the type of guy who will settle for only one.”

  “Really? Or maybe, you’re just scared.”

  “Scared or not, it won’t work. I just know.”

  ***

  “You’re telling me that you don’t wanna go home tonight because you’re saddened by the fact that this woman whom you met days ago is going to Tuscany soon and she told you that things won’t work out between you?”

  “She’s different, man.”

  “Blake, aren’t you just over-reacting?”

  “No,” Blake said, looking astounded, “She just…she’s enchanting.”

  “Blake,” Mike said, “I think you may just have met your match.”

 

  Forever young

  Blake tried to forget whatever Serena had told him during their first date. They started going out again, with no one mentioning the expiration of whatever they had. One night, after seeing a movie, Blake and Serena stayed in an old park where only a few people go to. It became their habit to just hang out there, looking at the night sky, not even saying anything at times.

 

  “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Blake asked her, looking at the sky.

  “Yeah,” Serena answered and looked at Blake, “It is. The moon’s lovely tonight. I like the moon…It’s…beautiful. It has this, majestic power over you. Makes you realize that…That there are things we can’t explain.”

  Blake smiled lightly and looked at her, “What’s love for you?”

  Serena looked at him unsurely, took a deep breath and then, “It’s something…special. You just can’t explain it, it’s love, it’s not anything else. I think you just know when you’re in love. It’s that moment when things get better, when things get real. When you realize that it’s not just you in this universe…That, there are 6 billion or more people and one of them, is simply what you need. Not because they complete you, not because they’re you’re other half, but because you know that even if you’re a whole person, you need someone to share your life with. You need someone who’s gonna stick with you through and through. Love sees past through the worst things. Love is when you’re at your worst and that someone is still there, believing in you, having faith and you, and seeing you as the most beautiful person on earth.” She smiled lightly.

  Blake smiled as well, “That was beautiful.” He said.

  “I’m good with words, huh?” She joked.

  He smiled, “Yeah. But seriosuly, that was the best description I’ve ever heard of love. It’s very…true. I never thought of it that way, you know? But now, I guess, you’re right. Love is something different.” He paused and then, “Have you ever been…in love? That way?”

  “I thought I did, I mean…I did see past through the bad stuff but…nothing really worked. When you’re young, you think being whole depends on someone…I know better now, life’s not like that. You have to be whole before you find that person who’s right for you in every way. Two broken halves trying to make the perfect whole is just…not right.”

  “I get that.” Blake said.

  “So…” Serena said, “How about you? I’m sure you’ve fallen hard for any one of those girls…”

  “Well, if you mean, Gellie, then yes. Maybe…but it wasn’t love. I mean, she was just this big, magnetic force whom I thought I could handle, but I was wrong. I thought I was different from the other guys, but the thing is, I’m not. And I had to learn that the hard way.”

  Serena smiled lightly, “So it was just Gellie?”

  “Well…no,” He said, “No, because now I know I wasn’t really in love with her.” He went on, “Aren’t you gonna ask me what love is for me, as well?”

  Serena shook her head, “No,” She said, “Because I want you to tell me what it is when you actually have felt it…”

  “What if I think I have?”

  “I don’t think you have.” Serena smiled.

  “Serena,”

  “Why don’t we go home, already?” She asked, “I think there’s something good on TV tonight…”

  Blake took a deep breath, “Okay.” He just said, realizing that there’s still a big part of her she’s keeping closed-off to everyone, including him.

  Every Rose has its thorn

  Truth was, Serena didn’t wanna go home that night. She didn’t wanna be away from Blake. She wanted to spend more time with Blake. But she can’t. Because every minute that she spends with him just makes her realize how much she’s beginning to like him more than she thought she should. And she can’t let that happen.

  Serena sat down on bed, turned on her CD player, listened to Kate Voegele’s sad tunes, and hugged one of her big pillows. She liked big pillows, they made her feel safe. She held tightly to the pillow, thinking about the past events in her life. She wondered why she’s lost so many people already; why most relationships and almost relationships didn’t work; She wondered why she wasn’t like those people who just did what they wanted without falling apart with guilt or blame afterwards. She wondered how she had become so tough, and so much more in control of her emotions than what was needed. She had no idea how to tell everyone how she was feeling anymore. How growing up with a perfectionist mother and a goody-two shoes father took
its toll on her; how she got so lost and confused and ended where she was right now; how the good people in her life just went away as easily as they came; how she often felt alone.

  “Oh, you think too much.” She told herself, closed the lights and tried to sleep.

  Turning Tables

  The following day, Blake went to gym knowing Serena wouldn’t be there. He just wanted to talk to Gina, try to see if she knows things about Serena. Of course, she does, He thought. He just wanted to find out more about her, to know why she’s the way she is.

 

  Blake saw Gina by the counter and went up to her, “Hey,” He greeted.

  “Hey, you.” She shot back.

  “Uhm, can we talk?”

  “Yeah, sure,” Gina said and led him to a far corner in the gym. She asked him to sit down on the chair across hers, “What is it?”

  Blake took a deep breath, “Okay, let me be direct…I…I love Serena. I know it’s too early to say that, but I do. She just…she makes everything beautiful. I enjoy being with her, she’s very…special. Different, and special. But…but it’s just…She’s closing herself off from everyone, even me. I just…I want to know why.”

  “First of all, she’s my friend.” Gina said, “And second of all, I don’t wanna ruin her trust. If she wants to tell you, she will.”

  “Gina, I know that, but I just…it already pains me so much knowing she’s…She’s hurting and she’s trying to be strong, and I can’t do anything for her.”

  “Blake, you don’t have to,” Gina said, “Listen.” She said, looking at him intently, “I cannot tell you everything Serena has gone through, that’s her business. But…I have to tell you this. She’s very fragile right now. She’s been fragile for years. That Serena you see? It’s only the shell of who she once was. I’m not saying she’s not real, no, because She’s one of the truest persons you could ever meet. It’s just that…She’s gone through so much already and trusting people has always been hard for her. It’s not that she won’t trust you, the thing is…She really doesn’t know how to trust herself anymore.”

  Blake nodded his head, “I’m sorry I had to go ask you that.”

  “It’s okay,” Gina said, “Do you really love her?”

  “Yeah, yeah. It’s crazy but yes.”

  Gina nodded her head, “And you know she told you you can’t be anything because she’s leaving soon, right?”

  “Yeah, which I disagree with.”

  Gina nodded her head, “If you love her, never give up. It won’t be easy, I mean, she’s leaving but…if you’re willing, then by all means, stick with her.”

  “Thanks, Gina.”

  “Anytime.”

 

 

 

  One half wants me to go, the other half wants me to stay

  Two weeks passed and it was Serena’s last night in the Philippines. She had packed her things early and even had the time to go out with Blake earlier. She was back at home when she recalled things that happened with Blake that afternoon, and she couldn’t help but pause for a while, holding the bouquet of Roses he gave her and sitting down on bed.

  ***

  “So,” Blake said while they were at a park bench, “You are really leaving.”

  “Yeah.”

  He looked at her and looked straight in her eyes, “I love you.”

  “Blake, please don’t say that.”

  “Why?”

  “Blake, you already know why. We have no future. I’m leaving tomorrow, I’ll be in Tuscany…You’ll be…I don’t know, in LA or something. It won’t work.”

  “We can make it work.”

  “How can you be so sure that I want to make it work with you?”

  “Because even if you’re acting like you’re a tough woman who doesn’t need anyone, I can see the helpless child in your eyes.”

  Serena’s eyes flared up with anger, and frustration. “You…how…Fuck you.”

  “Serena,” Blake said, trying to hold her by the arm.

  “Don’t you dare.” She said.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Is this how you want me to leave, Blake?” She asked, “You want me to leave feeling…feeling like a mess?!”

  “It’s not like that, Serena, I just…I love you, okay?” He said, “And I just wanted you to know that because it’s the truth. I care about you, and…And even if you’re leaving, I’ll still be here. For you.”

  “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Give us a chance, Serena.” Blake said, “I know I’ve a bad history, and…And you’ve had the worst experiences with guys, even if I don’t know most of them…But we both deserve another chance. It won’t be easy, but we’ll make it work.”

  “Oh, fine, let me take in that false hope,” Serena said sarcastically, “And then what? After a few days, you’d stop talking to me altogether, and I’ll be left alone again, not knowing where I stand.”

  “I’m not gonna do that.”

  “And I’m not gonna believe you.”

  “Will you just give yourself a chance?” Blake asked, “Not everyone’s gonna hurt you.”

  “Oh, yeah?” Serena said, “I thought so. But I thought wrong.”

  “Serena,”

  “You know what the problem is, Blake?” She said as she stood up and looked at him, “I’m no longer the person I once was. And yet…And yet I’m still vulnerable as hell. And I can’t be anymore, okay? I don’t want to be that way. I’m moving away because I need a break, from everything. I have to start fresh.” She sighed, “I enjoyed my time with you, Blake. But that’s it.” She closed her eyes and then, “You’ll find someone else. Someone who’s…not me.” And then she walked away.

  ***

  Serena, holding one of her big pillows once more, felt devastated. She liked him, yes, but what good would that bring? She needed to focus on her career. She needed to start anew. She was going to Tuscany, it was the best thing that could happen to anyone. And she couldn’t bear to have a guy in her mind. Not now.

  She turned on her laptop and logged on to yahoo messenger. Tryke was online. He was her online friend, the one who told his sister about her and had helped her get the scholarship at the fashion school. At first, she thought it was crazy, she barely knew him, but as luck would have it, Tryke’s sister, Marcela, knew her third cousin, Minerva, who was working in the Fashion school. It was the perfect opportunity, and Minerva was good enough to cover the expenses of her plane ticket and let her live with her for a while, until she found a job and found the money she needed.

 

  Tyketryke: hey beautiful 

  Itsmeserena: hey mister 

  Tyketryke: night-time there, right? Ready for your flight tomorrow?

  Itsmeserena: yep. Everything’s ready.

  Tyketryke: whoa…what’s with the enthusiasm? ;)

  Itsmeserena: haha. Nothing. Don’t mind me, just had a tiring day.

  Tyketryke: oh. So..i guess I won’t be seeing you til the other day, then? You need to rest when you get to italy tomorrow, you’d be jet-lagged.

  Itsmeserena: yeah, I guess so.

  Tyketryke: serena, are u ok?

  Itsmeserena: I am, don’t worry.  I’m…excited to see u.

  Tyketryke: I am too.  k, I won’t hold you any longer, I need to go to the shop, anyway, too many orders today. Have a good night’s rest and a safe flight later, ok?

  Itsmeserena: thanks tryke. See u.

  Tyketryke: ciao!

 

  Tyketryke has logged off.

  The shop. She thought, of course. Tryke owned an art gallery and he was also a potter. Serena had always wanted to try pottery. That was exactly one of the first reasons why they had become good friends online. He showed her his works, told her more about pottery, and was just the kindest guy she’d ever known. Tryke was in Tuscany. That was also one of the reasons why she couldn’t be with Blake. Tryke. H
e was single, haven’t been in a relationship for four years since his fiancée broke up with him, he was older, already 28, and was a good conversationalist. She liked him, he liked her. Distance was just the problem, but now that she’s going to Tuscany…

  But then, there’s that nagging thought that she didn’t do the right thing. That she shouldn’t have said those things to him. But it just wouldn’t make sense. She had to go away.

 

  Blake.

  And now, she saw him log in.

 

  Iamblake: serena.

  Iamblake: I’m sorry.

  Iamblake: can you just type anything? Pls. I’m sorry.

  Itsmeserena: what do u want?

  Iamblake: I just wanted to say I’m sorry. But I meant every word. I love u, nothing will change that.

  Itsmeserena: y are u doing this?

  Iamblake: because I want u 2 know the truth.

  Itsmeserena: blake…I’m sorry. I just want u to know that.

  Iamblake: I’ll wait for u. we’ll keep in touch. We’ll make it work.

  Itsmeserena: no. no, we’ll…uhm. We can be friends but…it won’t work. Things change, things will change. U deserve someone better. Someone who’ll be there.

  Iamblake: u will not be able to change my mind.

  Itsmeserena: don’t do this to yourself.

  Iamblake: serena, I love u. pls remember that.

  Itsmeserena: go to bed, you’re just tired.

  Iamblake: what time is your flight?

  Itsmeserena: you can’t go to the airport and ask me to stay.