The Pride of Howard County

by Kevin Bachman

  Chapter 3

  John Lincoln tried to make his way through the crowd; he just needed to step outside to get some air. It was barely after midnight, the liquor was flowing as fast as the bartenders could pour. The club was filled with the usual eclectic crowd. Smoke rose to the ceiling from the dance floor and the dope that was being smoked casting a warm haze. Cocaine and ecstasy was as easy to get as a trip to the bathroom where the dealers did a brisk business. This was a fantasy world where people went to dance the night away or to get laid or get wasted; all the things people do to forget about their lives for a while.

  John was standing alone in a crowd of thousands. This was one of New York’s trendiest clubs, at least for the moment. Thousands of square feet of pounding music, flashing lights and sweating sexy bodies massed together.

  Not so long ago John would have been in his element, but this crowd and the drink in his hand wasn’t working. He’d long since lost his appetite for the drugs and the hangovers had become painful reminders. His friends would be in the club before the night was over. They would tempt him with their pills and powders and give looks of suspicion when he declined to indulge.

  This New Yorker was slicing his way through the crowd towards the door and yet something was holding him back. It had become his mission to leave this place. He would have to break these chains if he was to find life again outside the walls of these bars and clubs. Finally, making it to the door with the exit sign above it, John stepped from one world into another, into the cold night air of reality.

  He took the subway and walked the few blocks to his apartment. Once inside, he leaned against the door and slid to the floor. Sitting in the dark looking out the window at the lights of the city, he knew. He had known for a long time that a depression had fallen upon him.

  He went into the bathroom, took off his clothes and got into the tub. Laying there soaking in a city of millions he never felt more alone. A deep numbness had taken over his brain and shame was upon him like a tiger. He cursed himself for he knew all too well the cause of his pain.

  Putting a Neil Young CD in the player he listened as Neil sang his sad songs. It was then John broke through the final layers of denial. The nightlife that had once brought him freedom had reduced him to a slave. Soon, a new life better than he could have ever imagined would become his to own and yet at this moment he felt only deep despair.

  John slid out from between the sheets and knelt down next to his bed. He folded his hands together. Bowing his head he recalled another easier life in far away Georgia. As he pleaded with the heavens for ideas, there came an answer, tomorrow he would call George.

  John Lincoln had enjoyed a privileged childhood in the suburbs of Athens Georgia. He swam in the backyard pool and played billiards with his friends at the pool hall. His parents, both junior high school teachers, were the quintessential suburban parents. His older brother was an avid athlete and had lettered in baseball and football. The younger of the two boys studied and brought home A’s but never seemed to get the attention his star brother got. He eventually settled into the shadows of his older brother. His free spirit and sense of adventure along with a loss of direction lead this young man to explore alternatives to his middle class suburbia.

  Still in his first year of High School John fell in with a bunch of kids that became his best friends. They ran together from party to party, watched movies on HBO together at one of the girl’s mom’s house and explored relationships with one another.

  By the end of the first semester it was clear that Mike and Lisa were going to make of go of a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. They seemed right for one another and everyone was happy for them.

  Mike was one of John’s best friends and Lisa and he got along real well. John and Lisa had classes together and before long they became close friends. They went to lunch, smoking cigarettes on the way to the Derweinersnitzel hot dog stand where they ate chilly cheese coneys and fries.

  John would never make a move on Lisa because she was Mike’s girl and that would have been a betrayal of a friend and that was something that just wasn’t cool. And yet, John was feeling something like what must be love for Lisa. She was perfect.

  Mike and Lisa’s relationship became serious and John’s love for her was perfect anguish. He and Lisa studied together in the school library, they walked the halls together, they spent so much time together that most people thought they were a couple.

  And yet, Mike and Lisa’s relationship continued through some bumpy patches and when John saw them together kissing it was like someone plunging a knife through his heart. John did not yet have any idea that Lisa would be the only woman that he would ever love.

  There were other girls in school that had crushes on John. When someone would set him up on a date he would go through the motions but it was Lisa that fulfilled his thoughts.

  All through High School John and Lisa remained close friends and yet John would never once tell her how he truly felt about her. John was deeply in love with a young woman that he could not have. His lack of ability to communicate his feelings and his deep and beyond comprehension beliefs about himself kept Lisa at a safe distance, just out of reach.

  It would be many years until John realized that he had fallen for the perfect girl. A beautiful, fun girl he could spend time with but never cross the line because she was already taken. And so the façade began.

  There were a few late night alcohol fueled conversations in which Lisa and John expressed some feelings for one another but with the dawn they would all be forgotten.

  After High School John’s brother went on to college and eventually he got a job with the F.B.I. He married his High School sweetheart, and shortly afterwards announced they were pregnant much to Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln’s delight. To John, it seemed like his brother’s life was so easy, the pieces seemed to fall into place. Mr. Lincoln was always reminding him of his brother’s accomplishments and seemed to spend a lot of time wondering why he wasn’t more like his brother. John hated being compared to his brother.

  Once he enjoyed school but eventually it became a necessary misery and seemed like just one big popularity contest. John was now convinced of something he had suspected all along, he never really quite fit in.

  She never knew it but it was Lisa that held John together through his high school years and still the complications of his life eventually got the better of him. Cutting class, getting high and drinking became the new normal for the Lincoln kid. Before his High School career was over he found himself sitting in the school counselor’s office many times with his mother and the counselor. They were both asking why he was doing this to himself and all he told them was he didn’t know. All this young radical knew was he didn’t want to be there. He would watch the clock, do his time and be released from the prison of high school with a final ringing of a bell and a piece of paper called a diploma.

  Mike and Lisa got married shortly after High School. They all managed to stay in touch for a year or two but it was just too painful and complicated for John to understand so he slowly cut them out of his life. There were too many unwanted emotions for the young man to deal with.

  Some mysterious curse settled onto John. Sometimes a wave of fear would wash over him. These anxiety attacks were happening more and more and with each episode his self esteem and confidence eroded away. The last of his friends were drifting away and being alone had become comfortable and torturous.

  One night at a keg party John met a guy named Ray. They drank and got high into the late hours of the night eventually ending up at Ray’s place. Ray played his guitar and sang songs. John was mesmerized by Ray’s musical ability. Soon they became best friends. Ray taught John how to play the guitar and they played and drank together many times. They hung out in the bars, swam in the lake, went to Colorado on a drunken ski trip. They each felt a bond that at last they had someone who they could relate to.

  One weekend they were camping down by the river. As they sat around the fire Ray
played his guitar. With the flickering light reflecting onto the trees around the camp site both boys wished it could be like this all the time. Under a starlit night in Georgia, a million miles away from everywhere the two young men drank beer and smoked weed until the fire burned down and the beer cooler ran dry.

  They stumbled off to bed. There they laid on their sleeping bags under a full moon on a warm summer’s evening when everything changed. In the next moments their friendship became something more. With moonlight reflecting off their bodies, hands explored forbidden areas. Soon their bodies were pressed together and nothing ever felt more right.

  But remorse and shame came with the morning sun. There was no conversation between the two. John cooked bacon and eggs and they ate their breakfast in silence. Ray washed the dishes while his friend stoked the fire. What had happened the night before would never be spoken of. John was all too familiar with the attitudes of society. He had heard the preachers and had read the passages of the Bible about such things. Knowing all too well the penalty would be judgment and eternal damnation. Although he had strong feelings for Ray, the idea of being gay just simply wasn’t something he could deal with. Over the course of the next couple of years the two young men would never discuss whether they were gay or whether they were a couple. They simply did not have the communication skills for such a conversation even though many times after a night of drinking and drugging they would once again fall into bed together. Ray waited as long as he could for his friend to come around, but eventually realized he might be waiting for something that may never happen.

  One sad day Ray came by John’s house to say goodbye. He moved to Texas to pursue a career in music leaving behind the best friend he would ever have.