The Pride of Howard County

by Kevin Bachman

  *

  Leaving Georgia for New York was an exciting time for John. He didn’t know what had scared him more, leaving the only life he had ever known or entering the life of the unknown that lay ahead of him. When he got off the airplane and walked into the airport he realized just how unprepared he actually had been. He hailed a cab and told the cabby to take him to Brooklyn. The cabby set his timer and they were off. The Pakistani wasn’t much of a conversationalist and answered all of John’s questions with a, yes sir or no sir.

  John had a list of three possible apartments he had made arrangements to view. After looking at the third apartment he decided to take the apartment he had looked at first. It was a tiny studio but it would do for now. He never did get used to the monster sized New York cock roaches that crawled up out of the sink and tub drains and quickly learned to keep the stoppers plugged in.

  At first it was weird not having a car and having to rely on public transportation. He had one week before starting his new job and spent most of his time trying to learn his way around the city by riding the subways up and down the rails. The cabs were too expensive and besides the subways were packed with very interesting people to watch. He soon found that people were very guarded with who they spoke to until they realized he wasn’t crazy or a criminal and then they were dying to talk to someone. When he explained he was from Georgia and new to the city these hardened New Yorkers were just as friendly as anyone anywhere.

  Of course he went to Manhattan and toured the city like any other tourist. The first thing he wanted to see was the Statue of Liberty. He took the boat and stood in awe before the lady. She made chills run up his spine as he realized for the first time in his life how fortunate he was to live in America.

  John went to Ellis Island and tried to imagine the immigrants that had come to this hallowed ground before him, those poor and tired travelers with nothing in their pockets and only the shirts on their backs. But they had hope in their hearts. He was inspired, feeling like if they could make it here then so could he.

  John stood before the Empire State Building and thought of King Kong. He rode the elevator to the top and stood in the wind for an hour looking out at the mountain range of sky scrapers, trying to grasp his future.

  He rode the subways up to Central Park and thought of John Lennon. The song, Imagine, ran through his head. The park was full of people laid out on blankets, playing Frisbee, walking their little dogs and young lovers expressing their love for one another. John was falling in love too, with a city.

  Johns first day on the job at the Phoenix Programs of Brooklyn was a day of being introduced to the other employees, filling out papers for payroll taxes and being shown his new office. It was small with only a desk, a chair and one table and a lamp but by God it was his office.

  Working at the Phoenix Program John would be assigned clients who were struggling with alcohol and drug addictions. Many of his clients were court ordered to be there and John could see in their eyes they wouldn’t make it. They were only going through the motions of recovery to keep the judge from throwing them in jail. John would go to court with them and try to persuade the judge to give them one more chance. Or he would look into the despairing eyes of wives, husband, fathers and mothers and try to give them hope. But sometimes, someone would show up on at his door with that look of defeat, that look of surrender which gave them a chance at beating their demon.

  Things were going pretty well for John. He felt like a productive contributing member of society. His work load was growing larger all the time but he didn’t mind. It was his opportunity to give back some of what he had been so graciously given.

  The native Georgian took the advice of a lot of people and threw himself into the AA community as soon as he landed in New York. He was going to meetings almost every day and actually felt grateful to be an alcoholic which made him uniquely qualified to be a member of the social aspect of Alcoholics Anonymous.

  The AA community in New York was worlds different than the AA meetings John was accustomed to in Athens. The rooms were full of artist, authors, homeless, doctors, beggars, lawyers and actors. John learned very quickly the true meaning of the AA tradition of acceptance.

  This was the fresh start that John had needed. He had made a mess of things back in Georgia and now here in the Big Apple he was re-inventing himself. He had learned from the mistakes of the past and was determined not to repeat them.

  A young woman by the name of Gina began showing up at some of the meetings John attended. She was an attractive dark haired woman with a knock out figure working on her doctorate in communications. All of the guys had their eye on Gina, even John.

  It wasn’t too long before John and Gina had introduced themselves to one another and had become friends as fellow members of the program. It started out innocently enough as they soon were sitting with each other at the meetings and after the meetings when groups went for dinner or ice cream.

  Gina had been raised in a small town in Wisconsin. She was a passionate Catholic small town girl that found living in the city exciting but she missed her family and found the people of New York mostly unfriendly and rude.

  She found John attractive and he had the same small town manners that she had. They clicked almost from the very start.

  Gina had been married once but was now divorced. He had been a guy from the country of Colombia she met while in undergraduate school. Although she had reservations about marrying him she did anyway and within a year found herself in an abusive relationship. He wanted her to be more submissive and as hard as Gina tried she just wasn’t the submissive kind.

  Once he got it into his head she was going to leave him the divorce went fairly smoothly. It was after the divorce she decided to further her education and pursue her PhD.

  John found himself once again questioning himself. Was this the woman that he could have a relationship with and uncomplicate his life. Maybe he had just been confused all along. After all Gina was attractive, sober, highly educated and fun to be with, everything that any man could possibly ask for. John knew the dishonesty about his past homosexual experience was wrong and yet he just couldn’t summons up the courage to talk with Gina about this.

  Within a couple of months their relationship became more intimate as they held hands while walking about the city. One evening as they were sitting in John’s living room Gina asked, “Where is this relationship going?” John’s stomach flipped as he struggled for words. He managed to say, “Well, let’s just take it one step at a time.” As he was trying to gain his footing he knew deep down that maybe he was fooling her but he wasn’t fooling himself. He felt like a jerk. He hated himself for not being honest with Gina but he was still clinging on to the idea that maybe in time he could learn to love Gina. If he confessed to his past it would surely ruin everything. Maybe he could tell her he had explored a little but was now sure he wasn’t gay. That seemed like telling another lie to cover the first. She was no fool; she sensed that something wasn’t quite right. “John,” she point blank asked, “Are you gay?” John felt like he had been busted with his hand in the cookie jar. This was the one moment he had dreaded his whole life. Anxiety rose forth as he lied yet again. “Naw,” he said. She stared him down for a few seconds and then let it go. She had asked him and he had said no. The conversation quickly turned to something else and the evening went on from there.

  They stood at his door and quickly kissed one another good bye. As John closed the door behind her he felt two things. One, like he had dodged a bullet and two, like he was fifteen all over again.

  As the weeks went by their relationship remained about the same. Between Gina’s Catholic values and John’s internal conflict they never really had sex. There were heated episodes on the couch but both were actually very content to just snuggle and hold hands and enjoy each others company.

  Eventually they came to some kind of agreement that they were never really right for each other and decided to just be friends. Both were
relieved, Gina because she had managed to hold on to her virtue and John because he hadn’t stolen Gina’s virtue.

  And so John found himself once again in that deep void between honesty and something else. Depression returned, but this time he knew what he was going to have to do.

  John walked up to Gina’s fourth floor apartment and knocked on the door. She peeped through the peep hole and was glad to see John standing there. They hugged and small talked for a few moments, she offered him something to drink and she gave him a Coke.

  Finally, John took a deep breath and said, “There’s something I have to tell you.” Gina leaned forward in her chair and placed her hands under her legs. There was no going back now.

  “I wasn’t honest with you.” John said. Gina waited for more, a little perplexed by this time. “Remember when you asked me if I was gay?” Gina shook her head up and down knowing by this time what was coming. John continued, “Well, I am.”

  John waited for the tears, or the screaming but that never happened. Gina only smiled and said, “Its okay, John.”

  After some more small talk John left Gina’s apartment after a long hug between the two friends and then walked to the subway. At once the depression was lifted, the sun shone warmth onto his face and he felt only deep relief.

  Gina, at first felt some feelings of betrayal but not for long. Mostly she felt sorry for John that he felt he had to go through all of that. Even though she was Catholic she believed gay people were entitled to happiness and she just wanted John to be happy. The whole experience for her was mainly an exercise for her to trust her inner judgment.

  John decided that never again was he going to deceive another woman like that. There would be days he hated being gay and wished he could be normal like other people but once and for all, like it or not he was gay and that was just the way it was going to be.

  Gina and John’s relationship faded as Gina began dating another guy she met in the program. John and this guy were actually pretty good friends but John never said anything to him about his involvement with Gina. He wasn’t the kiss and tell kind.

  Gina received her doctorate, broke up with her boyfriend, and landed a teaching position at a small college in Kentucky. She and John e-mailed each other occasionally trying to stay in touch but it didn’t happen. Last time John talked to her she had quit going to AA because she felt she had to drive forty five miles to the next town to protect her anonymity and she felt the meetings in her small town were lame.

  John and Gina’s lives had crossed paths; and for a time they had leaned on each other, found solace in one another’s company and with the help of each other discovered a big chunk of truth about themselves.