The Pride of Howard County

by Kevin Bachman

  Chapter 14

  Now well into summer, long after the spring rains. The earth was finally beginning to dry up. John was relieved it wasn’t raining every few days so he could actually walk around without mud clinging to his boots. The old farmer learned a long time ago complaining about the weather was a waste of time. The weather would do what it would do.

  Lucky and Muncie could have cared less whether it was raining or not. Everyday was a good day as far as they were concerned. They made their usual rounds in the mornings and took long naps in the heat of the day under the porch.

  John received a phone call from his brother, giving him the bad news about their father. He had had a stroke and was in intensive care. A couple of days later when his father had died his brother called back. His voice cracked as he told John the details of his father’s last couple of days. John found himself wondering if David was going to cry. He’d only seen his brother cry a couple of times and that was when they were very young. It occurred to him he’d never seen his father cry or for that matter show any real emotion. John simply did not know how he should feel. He knew he should be sad and was in some way ashamed he wasn’t. He would go to Athens of course, mainly to support his mother and out of a sense of duty.

  On the plane, John found himself thinking about the farm more than anything. There were so many things he wanted to get done and oddly he found himself thinking about Gus, almost worried about him. He tried to tell himself that was silly and that Gus could take care of himself. And yet, he knew of the many dangers of farming. He’d met other farmers in Howard County missing fingers and toes.

  Mrs. Lincoln hugged her son and told him, “It is so good to see you,” but she wished it was under better circumstances. By this time John‘s brother had composed himself and was being the rock of the family, naturally. He resembled very little the man John had spoken with on the phone. The Lincoln dynamics had returned to normal.

  At the visitation, people came out of the woodwork; people the Lincolns hadn’t seen or heard from in years were there. John’s father had taught school for many years, at one point was president of the neighborhood association and had served on a few other community service boards of one sort or another. John thought his father would have been pleased with the turnout.

  While he was standing around John called Gus, it was a bit of an awkward conversation between the two men but both were glad to hear the others voice. John said he called just to check on things on the farm and the farmer said things were okay but will be glad when he got back.

  John sat under the canopy looking at his father’s casket with his mother on one side and his brother on the other. Mrs. Lincoln was quietly crying and David was sitting there being brave. John looked at the box that held the man that had caused him so much misery. This was the man that never told either of his sons that he loved them. Had never told John he was proud of him for anything he’d ever done, never supported him in anything he’d ever done, never apologized for any of this and then had the nerve to go and die. And now, everything was unfinished. And yet, even with all these emotions there was a mysterious sadness. And as he sat there, the anger dissolved. Suddenly, there seemed to be only an empty feeling. And from somewhere it hit him; his father had died. When he began to cry, his brother joined him and the three remaining Lincolns put their arms around each other and mourned the passing of their husband and father.

  Later that evening John and David decided they needed to get out of the house for a while. They went to the bowling alley to bowl a couple of games. They got their shoes and found a ball. David bought himself a Bud Light and John a Coke.

  It was somewhere in the middle of the second game when they began to talk about their father. David had always controlled the conversations between the two brothers but today was different. All the childhood scraps were long forgotten and the only rivalry was who could knock down the most pins. As they sat on the seats around the ball returner taking a break from the game John broke a few moments of silence by saying, “Ya know, Dad wasn’t the best father in the world but I guess he did the best he could.”

  David looked at his brother and then looked at his weird bowling shoes. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

  Normally David’s instinct would have caused him to be defensive had anyone said anything remotely negative about his father but this was John, he was safe. John waited for David to look up from his shoes when he told him, “I guess I feel kinda bad I was such a disappointment to dad, I wish I could have done something different.” David’s mouth dropped when he heard this.

  The older brother stared at the younger with a look of disbelief until he absorbed the confession and with demanding eye contact said, “Dad used to brag to all his friends saying how proud he was of you.” John looked back at his brother in a polite manner but wasn’t convinced what David was saying was true. The older brother picked up on this and continued, “He was always talking about how much he admired your courage to live your life as you felt you had to.” David continued as if to drive home his point, “When you graduated from college and then moved to New York to pursue your career, Dad was always saying how much guts it took to do something like that.

  John stared at his brother and found himself wondering if this could actually be true. The elder brother then said as he stood up to roll another frame, “I ain’t shittin’ ya dude.”

  As David rolled his first ball and then picked up the spare John was trying to digest the idea that everything he’d ever believed about his father and their relationship was untrue. A whole new dimension of his father was opening up there on lane thirteen.

  After a couple of more frames, another spare and a strike, David sat next to his brother and again looking at his green and red shoes said almost in a whisper, “No matter how much I did it seemed to never be enough for Dad.” Now it was John’s turn to be stunned. He was beginning to realize he and his brother had a lot more in common than he’d ever thought.

  John had always thought of David as a carbon copy of his father and now he was seeing his brother in a different light. David seemed to actually be able to doubt himself, something he’d hidden so well. David’s relationship with their father was a relationship of never being good enough.

  They had finished the game and were taking off their bowling shoes when John asked his brother, “Do you suppose that was Dad’s way of pushing us to be the best we could be?”

  David inhaled deeply and exhaled as he leaned back in his chair as if he were giving this a lot of thought. It was John that reassured his big brother saying, “The old guy did love us, you know?”

  David nodded his head up and down in agreement but this conversation was starting to get way out of his comfort zone. As he got to his feet he slapped his little brother’s knee saying, “Yeah I reckon he did.”

  It was that evening in the bowling alley John and David’s relationship changed. The source of their competition was gone, the playing field had been leveled and now they were equals. They would soon go their separate ways to never speak of the conversation in the bowling alley again and yet they were finally brothers. John realized that night that his father’s way of pushing his son’s, playing them against each other, never being satisfied was just his father’s way of showing his love.

  With the morning sun David would default back to the same mentality he’d always had. He was again the carbon copy of his father and would always be. But the night before just for a few moments he allowed his heart to open up just enough to let his brother know he loved him and admired him and was proud of him but it took the death of their father to allow this to happen. The Lincoln brothers were finally brothers, one man to another but beit for just a few moments and that would just have to be good enough. For Mr. Lincoln wasn’t the kind to say, “I love you,” and neither was David. For that matter neither was John.