The Pride of Howard County

by Kevin Bachman

  Chapter 17

  John’s leaving New York had turned out better than he could have ever imagined. George’s theory was that this was a time of healing and a gift from God. John didn’t know about all that but he did feel there would have been no planning something like this. He wondered if he would have had such a powerful recovery experience anywhere else. The farm had a life of its own, a force only a few are privileged to experience.

  Occasionally he and the dogs would go for walks around the farm; he’d sit on the bank of the Piney, chew on a weed stalk and think of the times when life had seemed to be almost unbearable. He’d watch the current flow along and wonder where all that water had come from and where it was going. Lucky and Muncie would plunge into the river and swim to the other side, shake the water from their fur and look back at him. John would think to himself, same thing over there huh?They’d sniff around a bit and swim back.

  Farming had taught him how to plant, have faith and how to wait. There seemed to be no purer form of spirituality than working the land. In the past,John’s spiritual journey had led him to all kinds of absurd ideas of God. He had now learned to make no request of God other than how he may benefit others. John had burned himself out trying to arrange his life to suit him but now he was learning the spiritual axiom of taking it easy.

  Gus was living proof that hardships are what make a man. He’d lost his wife and both his children, he could have given up and become a bitter man and yet his spirit still allowed others into his life. And in doing so, he’d taught John there was such a thing as healthy relationships between men of different generations.

  One Saturday evening John made the trip to Columbia to attend his usual meeting. It seemed to be an ordinary meeting as they began with the Serenity Prayer and someone read, “How it works” out of the Big Book. The facilitator presented a topic to discuss and various different people spoke about the topic as it related to their own lives and recovery.

  A newcomer was at the meeting and had introduced himself as Terry. He explained he was new to Columbia as a result of a job transfer. This man had several years of recovery and seemed comfortable as he shared his views on the topic.

  After the meeting John introduced himself and welcomed him to the meeting and to the area. While they were talking there were the unmistakable vibes that only two gay men share. After some more nervous conversation, they parted ways as they shook hands and John once again welcomed him to the area.

  John was almost giddy as he drove home. Should he dare allow himself to dream of a relationship with this stranger? After all he had just met the man and knew nothing about him. As far as relationships went his track record wasn’t very good and his confidence in his ability to make good relationship choices was low. His life was going so well he thought it would be foolish to screw it up now.

  Something he’d learned about himself in recovery was he’d date pretty much anyone who showed any attention to him regardless of whether they had anything in common. John had ignored red flags, dated with the intention of fixing them, allowed himself to be taken advantage of and manipulated. Every man John met was either too good for him or not good enough. His criteria for a partner had been so high he was practically guaranteed to never find anyone but after a night of drinking he would wake up with a stranger. These things weighed heavily upon John and he was determined to not repeat the mistakes of the past.

  The week wore on, Gus and John tended to their duties on the farm. The cows were due for immunizations, the blades on the mower needed sharpening; John mowed the grass around the houses and weeded the flower beds. Lucky was teaching Muncie how to war with the groundhog although Muncie never really developed the passion that Lucky had about catching the thing particularly after the episode with the skunk.

  Finally, it was Saturday evening and John made the trip to Columbia. On the way, he called George and they chatted for a while then he went to the Burger Barn. He ordered the special which was a cheeseburger, fries and a drink.

  He made it to the meeting early and chit chatted with a few of the other early birds. Eventually the meeting was under way and John was disappointed the new guy wasn’t there. About five minutes into the meeting the door flew open and the handsome stranger took a seat near the back of the room. John’s heart skipped a beat and he told himself to get a grip. The two men took turns exchanging glances a couple of times. After the meeting when everyone was standing around talking, the new guy made the first move by walking up to John and offering his hand saying, “Good to see you again.” John was a little nervous but managed to keep his composure and said, “Good to see you too.”

  There were some people going for coffee and dessert and when they asked John and Terry they both agreed to go as long as the other was going. In a few minutes they were sitting at the Steak N’ Shake eating pie and drinking coffee. There was much laughter and story telling among the Saturday night gang, neither John nor Terry had much to say. Eventually they were all standing in the parking lot saying their goodbyes when Terry asked John if he could call him some time.

  John gave Terry his number and Terry punched it into his cell.

  “Got it,” Terry said.

  They gave each other a brief hug saying goodbye which isn’t unusual for the recovery crowd and it wasn’t long before they were talking on the phone a few times a week and hanging out on Saturday nights after the meeting.

  Terry was born and raised in Ames, Iowa, The third of four children in a Norman Rockwell neighborhood. His mother wore an apron, baked cookies and was known for her special ability to put on really special parties for the kids. His father worked at an insurance company and came home tired and retreated to his chair before the television where he had a cocktail and then another before dinner.

  Terry’s focus was on his education and he was known as a bit of a bookish, almost nerdish kid. He never felt comfortable with people and compensated for this by joining as many different clubs and committee’s as he could fit into his schedule. Had you asked anyone Terry was smart, outgoing and had a bright future but he didn’t see it that way.

  Terry tried drinking a couple of times but after spending a couple of hours puking up his guts he decided he wasn’t going to have a future in partying. Just another disappointment and so he settled for working on the yearbook and being in the science club and a half a dozen other clubs with the nerds and popular people.

  After high school he was offered a scholarship to the University of Iowa in Iowa City. Terry excelled in college and his confidence grew as he matured and began dating a pretty and bright woman named Beth. Everyone told them they were the perfect couple and Terry always felt he was lucky a woman with the qualities of Beth found him desirable.

  They graduated from college with plans for their wedding already in place and a year and two months later got married. Both Terry and Beth had gotten the jobs they wanted and life seemed to be perfect for the young couple except for one little thing.

  Their marriage wasn’t a particularly bad marriage but it just seemed to lack any real passion. It seemed almost as if they were actors playing the part of being in a marriage. Occasionally they spoke privately with individual friends and family and were assured it would get better and to just hang in there.

  Terry was aware of his feelings of attraction to some men but never allowed himself to explore that dusty corner of his life. The birth of their first child was the cure he had needed and he was finally able to put that to rest. After each of their two children was born his marriage to Beth improved, at least for a while.

  Terry was an office manager for the electric company in Ames. His responsibilities at the office led him to have a glass of wine to relax and wind down at the end of the day. Beth joined him on many occasions. After a couple of glasses the romance returned and things would seem to be back on track once again. There were a few years this worked until Terry began planning out his glasses of wine as if he were scheduling an appointment with a client. Eventually it
became his favorite part of the day; he looked forward to settling down with a bottle of wine like spending time with an old friend. And then the day came when his drinking wasn’t something he wanted to do but something that was necessary.

  The fighting with Beth wasn’t about something either could yet digest. They hadn’t crossed into the realm of the truth. But they both began to hear the whispers they may not be compatible. Beth blamed their problems on the drinking when she wasn’t blaming herself. They confided to one another they desperately wanted to make their marriage work. Then they told themselves and each other they needed to make this thing work for the sake of the kids until the sad day came when they realized that was not going to be enough.

  Terry never thought he would be the cheating kind. He had been raised to believe infidelity was simply unforgiveable and yet late one evening after Beth and the kids had gone to bed, Terry sat at his computer. There were forces within him that were driving him to punch the keys that led him to a gay web site. Before him on the screen opened up a world he had half wanted to find and half never wanted to see. The images he discovered brought about a stirring of emotions he had dared never let surface. After a few moments he clicked off the computer swearing he’d never again do that.

  As he lay in bed that night next to his wife and mother of his children he felt guilt and shame as his mind returned over and over to the possibility that he may be gay. He tried to persuade himself he may be having some curious feelings but never could be a homosexual, which would be simply unacceptable. It would ruin his life and he would not let that happen.

  A few nights later, fueled by the wine he found his fingers typing the letters that led him back to the dreaded web site. There he found men searching for sex with no strings attached; he was repelled by such things as that. And yet occasionally he found a personal ad of a normal looking man, with a normal sounding life searching for a partner to have a relationship with. Terry wondered if this could be possible. Was everything he’d ever been taught and believed about homosexuality a lie?

  For many months Terry struggled with these invasive ideas until he discreetly made an appointment with a councilor as a fact finding mission.

  He felt foolish as he sat across from this counselor and asked him, “How do you know if you’re gay?” What the councilor told him on one hand made perfect sense and yet on the other seemed almost too easy. This was a complicated matter and the counselor must not have understood this when he said, “Just go out and give it a whirl and see if it’s what floats your boat.”

  It was much later when Terry allowed himself to go into a gay bar. He’d drank nearly an entire bottle of wine to summons up the courage. His stereotyped ideas of gays were smashed as he sat at the bar drinking more wine. Many of these men were drunken fools, some overweight and unattractive but a few seemed okay. He finally realized gay people in a gay bar were basically just like everybody else who hangs out in bars.

  Terry painfully became aware of his authentic self which would be easy compared to what he had to do now.

  Beth just stared across the kitchen table at her husband of eight years. Did he just say what she thought she heard him say? Beth’s reaction was, this could not be happening. She knew things had not been going well for the last couple of years but this was over the top, out of her comprehension. A separation? Gay? No way! This could not be happening.

  The normally mild mannered Beth flew into a rage; she cursed Terry and tried to slap him several times. She threw glasses and dishes around the kitchen until she crumpled to the floor in a pile of broken glass and sobbed. Her entire world was coming apart.

  Terry left the house and drove around for a couple of hours. When he got back home the kitchen had been cleaned up and Beth had composed herself. But there was an icy silence of shear hatred. Terry didn’t know what to say or do. He had expected this to be bad and it was. When the kids got home from school they picked up on something but Terry and Beth tried to act as normal as they could.

  The next morning was as if nothing had happened. Beth and Terry got the kids ready for school, had breakfast and went to work. Nothing was said between the husband and wife but this really wasn’t that unusual. That evening Beth informed Terry that she had made an appointment with a marriage counselor and Terry agreed knowing that wasn’t a bad idea.

  A few days later as they sat in the car outside the office building waiting for their two o’clock appointment Beth broke the silence.

  “I can’t believe your doing this to me.” She said.There wasn’t anything Terry could say.

  After the formal introductions the counselor began by asking some basic questions about their situation and then explained her role in this and how she might be able to help them.

  Terry began at the beginning; he left nothing out, he never looked at his wife as he told their story, he couldn’t bare the pain he knew he was causing her.

  All Beth ever wanted was a husband and a family. She had wanted children from the time she herself was a little girl. When she met Terry she thought her prayers had been answered and now she was sitting there in some counselor’s office hearing that everything she had ever believed was a lie.

  After Terry finished, the counselor told them they have several options.

  “Some gay people decide that the marriage and children are more important and decide to not act out on their homosexual desires,” she warned,

  “This is very dangerous because when someone does this they are denying their authentic self and depression and other psychological issues almost always arise.” The counselor continued,“Now, other couples decide that it’s okay for the gay spouse to occasionally act upon his or her homosexuality as long as they are discreet and secretive.” Beth’s reaction to this option made it known that this would never be the case. And finally the counselor gave them a third option.

  “Some couples simply decide that they are no longer compatible and find that a separation or divorce is in order.”

  The counselor finished by saying, “There are several other ways couples work through this but usually it’s one of the aforementioned methods that play out.”

  Silence fell into the room and it was Terry who said, “Well, thank you for your time.” They all shook hands and the counselor told them to call if there was anything she could do.

  Terry paid the lady at the front desk on the way out and he and Beth got into the car. After a couple of miles Beth again said, “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

  That evening Beth appeared in the doorway of her husband’s home office and crossed her arms. Terry gave her his attention. She said, “You know she said there are some gay people who decide their families are more important and just don’t act on their…whatever it is they are acting on.” This was the first civil thing she had said since this all began and she said it with an almost pleading tone. Terry didn’t want to let her down again and he was beginning to think this wasn’t all worth it and that he would just forget about the whole damn thing. Even Beth didn’t believe him.

  That night as they lay on their fine silk sheets in their fine suburban home Beth slid over to her husband’s side of the bed. She remembered earlier times when they had made love and reflected on how long it had been since there had been any real intimacy in their marriage. Maybe she was to blame for all this. She placed her hand on her husbands shoulder and gently pulled him to her. He placed his arms around her but there would be no sex. They both realized in the next few moments that it was over. As Beth pulled away from her husband for the last time, she determined this was the ultimate betrayal, she had offered herself and he had declined. This was an act of war.

  Terry was tired; he was tired of being blamed for something he couldn’t fix. He knew that this was hurting Beth but what was he supposed to do. He was tired of going to counselors and tired of fighting with Beth and tired of fighting with himself.

  He would have cried if he could have but it didn’t seem like crying would accomplis
h anything. The next day he packed a few things into a suitcase and checked into a motel.

  As Terry and Beth were trying to work out the details of a separation it became obvious to both parties they would need attorneys. Terry wanted this to go as smoothly as possible but it was plain that Beth was hurt and angry. He couldn’t blame her for he knew he had sliced her to the bone and tried to apologize over and over but she didn’t want to hear his apologies.

  When Terry’s attorney showed him the letter from her attorney pursuing full custody of the children based on the grounds that a homosexual was not capable of being a good father Terry realized the extent of her anger.

  By this time they were not speaking and communicated only through their attorneys.

  Terry’s attorney had filed a temporary order that allowed Terry to have the kids every other weekend. Beth was trying to turn the children against their father but Terry would not stoop to such a level. He always made sure he never spoke poorly of their mother, only to say she was very angry right now. Terry told his attorney his only concern was what was best for the children. She told him, “Those kids need their father,” and that, “In the state of Iowa a person’s sexuality would not be a factor in the custody procedures.” Terry was grateful he lived in Iowa.

  It was during the divorce procedures Terry spiraled into a black mass of self loathing and self pity. The only thing keeping him going was bottle and a half, sometimes two bottles of wine every night. Depression clung to him like Velcro.

  Terry’s boss called him into his office at five minutes to five on a Friday afternoon. He handed Terry a brochure about Alcoholics Anonymous. Terry was stunned and didn’t know what to say. His boss told him in no uncertain terms that he was going to do something about his drinking or his services would no longer be needed.And Terry thought he’d hidden it so well.

  He felt deep shame; he knew his boss was right. There was no fight in him. His boss came around the desk and handed him a coin. There was the Roman numeral for sixteen years stamped on the coin.

  His boss said, “I’ll pick you up at 7:30.” Terry said nothing only shook his head okay and left his bosses office feeling like a complete failure and horribly remorseful.

  As he waited for his boss to pick him up he struggled with the idea of drinking a glass of wine, he didn’t. He felt like with everything that was going on in his life this AA crap was the last thing he needed. Within a few days he realized he could have not been more wrong.

  It was the rooms of AA that held him together during the divorce and custody battle and his battle with alcohol.

  The divorce dragged on for a year and a half and Terry and Beth would never be friends again. Although after a couple of years Beth realized that it was actually a relief for her when she found out the truth as it cleared up a lot of her self questioning. She had been married to a man that simply was not physically attracted to her and there was no way they would have ever had a good marriage. She did come to a level of acceptance and they were once again civil towards one another, yet Terry sensed on some deep level he would never be forgiven.

  It was difficult for Terry to move away from his home town. Although many sad episodes, there were a lot of happy memories as well and leaving his children had brought him enormous guilt. He had discussed it with family and friends and even Beth until he finally accepted the promotion his company had offered.

  Terry traveled from Missouri to Iowa every couple of weeks and spent weekends with Beth and the kids. Eventually it became more like every three weeks and when Beth started seeing someone it complicated things even more. Terry hated this arrangement but accepted there wasn’t anything he could do about it. Sometimes he cursed the decisions he had made and in those moments when he was feeling sorry for himself clarity returned and he knew although this might not be the way he would have chosen, this was the way things were.

  After five years of sobriety Terry still phoned his old boss on occasion just to chat and thank him for passing on the message.