by A. E. Murphy
“I know.”
“That was… I have no words… or maybe I have too many. You just… Fuck. Captain. You ruined everything.”
His own eyes water as his remorse glows through them. “I know, Rain, I know. I fucking know.”
My rage finally spills from my lips, my anger, my sorrow, all of it. I can’t control it, I don’t want to. I want him to know how he’s made me feel, I want it to keep him up at night and torment him. Confusion, confliction and guilt need to turn his brain to tatters. He has to feel everything I am.
“How could you?” I whisper, hitting his chest with my hands. “How could you humiliate me like that? How could you hurt me like that?”
“Rain.” He says my name like a confession, stepping back every time I shove him. Accepting the blows.
“Didn’t I mean anything to you that you could just toss me away so easily?” I don’t let him reply, I shove him again and again. “I fucking hate you, you’ve ruined my entire life!”
“I know,” he croaks and his lip vanishes behind his perfect teeth.
“Then why? Why would you fucking do that to me?”
“Because you don’t feel the same way as me and I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me every single fucking day!” he hisses, gripping my arms with strong hands, stopping me from shoving him anymore. “I want you to feel the same! I’ve done everything… EVERYTHING!”
I should feel intimidated by his anger but it only fuels mine. “You fucking PSYCHO! YOU KIDNAPPED ME!”
“I know that, Rain, but that didn’t stop me from falling in love with you!” His words echo off the walls they’re so loud. “And now I don’t know how to keep you.”
“You’ll never keep me,” I spit, shaking my arms free and stepping away. “I’ll never love you. Not now.”
“Because of that cowardly fuck, Neal?”
“It’s Niall and we both know you’ve got nothing on him. The only coward here is you. Niall’s coming for me and when he does and when he kills you, I’ll dance around your dead fucking body.”
He turns and puts his fist straight into the mirror, cracking it into the shape of a cobweb. His hand looks otherwise fine but that doesn’t shock me as his knuckles are rough and hard from manual labour like the pads of his fingers. With a loud roar he kicks over the chair in the corner and moves to the drawers where he knows my clothing is now kept.
“If you want him, go and fucking get him!” he bellows, grabbing my clothes and ripping them one by one. “Take a fucking rowboat and see how you fare.”
“Real mature, breaking shit and ripping clothes. Just like last night, fucking another woman to hurt me. Like you haven’t done enough to damage me already, you raging psychopath.”
He turns his angry gaze on me and charges my way. Now I’m scared. I’ve pushed him too far.
I shrink away, covering my face with my arm when he grabs my hair.
It’s a normal reaction when one is scared of being hit.
He grabs my arm and yanks it away before demanding, his eyes dark, his tone darker, “You think I’d hit you?”
“You chopped off a man’s finger.”
“To protect you.” He calms now as though my reaction put out that fire immediately. “I’d never hit you. Ever. You could pummel me to the ground and I still wouldn’t raise a hand to you.” He touches my cheek tenderly as we stare at each other. “I don’t think you realise that you’re everything to me.”
For a moment I let myself turn into his palm and close my eyes. “Yesterday you were everything to me too.”
My words strike their mark, filling him with hope but then obliterating it in the same sentence.
“I still can be.”
I shake my head. “I’m not meant to be here. I’m not meant for this life.”
“That’s not true,” he says, dipping his head to catch my gaze. “You know it’s not. You could be happy here with freedom, a phone, access to your family and friends…”
“Maybe if you’d started with that yesterday and didn’t end up with your dick in another woman…”
He shakes his head frantically and cups my cheeks so I don’t look away. “I’m irrational when I’m mad. I do stupid shit but I’d never do it again. You know that right? You know I was acting out to hurt you.”
Does he really think that makes it better? It’s not so much the act it’s the reason behind it.
“You did it on purpose, it doesn’t matter the level in which you did so,” I say and he looks away. “And I can’t forgive you. You’re asking me to put my trust in a man who kidnapped me and then broke my fucking heart the first chance he got to prove that he’s actually a decent human being?”
“Rain, stay with me. Give this a chance. Give me a chance,” he begs, pulling my body into his and for a moment I let him, absorbing his warmth and his strength because I might never get this chance again. “You know he can’t make you feel the way I do.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” I lay down my final card, my final blow. “He’d never hurt me like that.”
The siren sounds overhead briefly, a call for the captain to return. I’ve been here long enough to know the drill by now. “Fuck.”
“Let me go home, Captain.”
“No,” he replies, walking away from me. “Because then I’d definitely lose you forever.”
“You already have!”
I watch him go through eyes blurred with tears and quickly pull out the burner phone. The call disconnected so the battery has preserved. Seems the call only lasted twenty minutes.
I could call Niall back, beg him to hurry up but I just can’t bring myself to dial his number.
Captain said the love word. He said it and I can’t betray him anymore than I already have. Which is ridiculous considering he is my kidnapper.
I place it back into its hiding space after turning it off and creep out of the room, kicking to the side the few new tops that Captain ripped. He has serious anger issues, it’s unsurprising that people fear and respect him but he’s always been so different with me, until now.
Until last night.
What he did was cold, cruel and uncalled for. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d never forgive him.
But is he telling the truth? Does he love me like he thinks he does? Could I stay here with him?
I deliberate over this for an hour before concluding that if I’m to get closure on any of this I need to speak to a friend.
I set off for Geoffrey’s lab, my steps sluggish and short. My feet shuffle across the ground and Chatterbox follows close behind, my guard for the day.
Closure, HA. I’m a prisoner. Why am I even entertaining this?
Because he’s right, nobody has ever made me feel that good before. But nobody has ever made me feel that bad before either.
It’s this situation. Everything is exaggerated because of everything surrounding it. The fact I’m a prisoner and I’m starting to have feelings for the man who ordered my capture is a novel in itself.
Groaning, I turn back to my room and pick up the remnants of my clothing before taking them to the hull and tossing them into the sea. I grip the railing and stare out at the island, looking towards my freedom.
Freedom I’ll never have with him.
At dinnertime, a man returns from the island with the honeyed ham salad that I had the night before and a new bag of clothes. Obviously, the captain’s way of apologising. I can’t stomach it. It reminds me too much of last night. All I can think of is him moaning in pleasure as another woman feasts on him only metres from where I sat helplessly.
I want to toss these clothes in the sea too.
I leave the food on the table and walk back to my hidden phone. I hold it in my palm, such a tiny device offering freedom. Then I put it back and go for a walk around the deck instead to clear my head.
As I’m trailing behind a group of men carrying a barrel full of oil, I stop suddenly and look up at the stars in the sky. Every night it seems like there are more and more. I
’d never in my wildest dreams imagined I would see so many stars. It’s as though somebody has taken a black canvas and flicked white paint all over it. It’s incredible, as is the half-moon which glows across the dark waters which look so beautiful yet so ominous.
“I’m gonna say the same thing to you that I said to my wife before she married me,” Clunk grumbles, his tone deep and gruff but this time it holds an edge to it.
I look at him over my shoulder where he’s locking a hatch of some sort shut. “What’s that?”
“In life you only get two options.” He stands and wags two fingers at me. One index finger from each hand. “You live, or you die.”
“That’s the advice you gave your wife?”
He smiles for the first time ever and it’s surprisingly attractive, unburdened by secrets, sins and hidden dangers. “I’m not done.”
“Sorry.”
“If you choose to die, do it quick, get it over with, don’t bore us on your way there.” He walks to the railing and looks over the ocean. “If you choose to live, do it for you. Think of yourself, make yourself happy, even if that happiness is guaranteed to bring pain.”
“Are you telling me to forgive him?”
He shakes his head and then sighs deeply. “No, lass. I’m telling you to leave him.”
“Why?”
When he looks at me, I forget about the man who took me from my home and instead try to see into the man who got to where he is now. “Choosing him is choosing death. This life will kill you, if it doesn’t ruin you or land you in prison.”
“I didn’t know you cared.”
“Got a daughter your age, hates my guts, doesn’t want to see me.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” No, I’m not.
“My own fault,” he mutters and blows out a long breath. “Ruined your life already by taking you from that place and regretted it since. You’re a sweet girl… woman… you’re forgiving. You’re quiet and kind. The men like you, think you’re a riot. Deserve a man better than us. My wife deserves a man better than me. My daughter deserves a better father.”
“Why don’t you go back?”
He looks ahead sadly. “I’m facing fifty years in the nick if I go back.”
“Wow. What did you do?”
Chuckling he grins at me, a menacing glint in his eyes. “Killed the man who kidnapped my wife.”
“The irony isn’t lost on me,” I mutter. “For what it’s worth, I’ll work on forgiveness. Though not right now.”
“Appreciate it, lass, but I’m beyond forgiveness.”
“If you really believe that then maybe you need mine more than I do.” I place my hand on his shoulder. “Call your daughter.”
With that I walk away, back to my room where I curl up in a ball and read a book.
Captain comes and lifts me into bed hours later and rests on me like nothing has happened and because I’m tired, weak, and about to say goodbye, I allow it.
“If you stay,” he whispers, kissing my neck. “I’ll never purposely hurt you again.”
I wet my lips, wishing I had a drink of water. “Yes, you will. You can’t help yourself.”
He hovers over me, searching my face for something. Whatever it is, I don’t let him find it.
“Even if I did stay, you’d never trust me to be on my own. You’d lock me here, with you. That’s not love.”
“It’s something we could work on together.” His stubble-shadowed lips descend on mine. I clamp a hand over them and push until he rolls off.
“Don’t do that.”
“It can go back to the way it was.”
I laugh at him coldly and climb out of bed, rummaging through my drawer for an underwear, jeans and a plain T-shirt. I put them on the bed, ready for later all the while keeping my back to him. “You need to let me go, Captain.”
“No.” He follows but thankfully doesn’t touch me again.
“Go away.”
He showers and I wait until he’s done before doing the same. He gives me the privacy I need, likely knowing I’m already at the edge of my limit.
When I return, I ignore the wildflowers resting on my pillow with a little note asking me to come to the bridge.
Okay, so I don’t ignore them but I don’t react to them beyond wishing I could have met this side of Calder in better circumstances. Wishing he wasn’t a bad guy, running a ship full of criminals, cutting off fingers and kidnapping innocent people to serve a purpose.
My mind won’t rest so after a few hours I head out to the exercise quarters, needing to let off steam when Clunk seeks me out, grabs my arm violently and yanks me into the bathroom. I don’t know where my usual guard is but he is terrible at his job.
He closes the door and pushes me against it, clapping his hand over my mouth when I try to yell.
“You have the fifth phone,” he hisses, and I immediately silence. He moves away checking the cubicles one by one. His hands ball into fists and I start trembling, wondering if I should run.
“I don’t know what you’re…”
“You’re lucky it was me that Captain tossed the bag at. Put four away, until ten minutes ago he asked if I had one, said he bought five.”
I clamp my lips shut. I am fucked. I’m going to die.
“Did you call him? The pig?”
I don’t reply. Though when his fist hits the door beside my head I definitely whimper and shy away.
He hisses as he shakes me, “Did you call him?”
“Yesterday,” I reply honestly and he moves away, ripping a hand through his hair.
“Fucking cunt… fucking fucked FUCK!” He punches the wall of the cubicle three times, making it shake. His narrowed eyes land on me again. “You told them where we are?”
“Kind of.”
“FUCK!” he roars again. “Okay.” He pulls a bandana out of his leather jacket pocket and ties it to his head as he thinks. It’s something he does when he’s stressed. It’s black with little white skulls on it, how fitting for a pirate. “This is what is going to happen.”
“You’re not going to kill me?”
“You’re going to make your decision right now because I’m moving this fucking ship.”
“My decision.”
“Life or death?”
“I…” I look around the room, hoping the answer comes out of nowhere. “I don’t want to die.”
“Then I’ll help you get to the island. You can stay there and wait for your pig boyfriend to get you.”
My breath hitches at the thought of finally getting my chance. “You’d do that?”
“I brought you here, I’m making sure you get out alive. But I have to move this ship. What’s your decision?”
Suddenly faced with the possibility that I might never see him again has my heart hammering and my palms sweating. I begin to panic, trying to find an excuse to leave, an excuse to stay… anything.
“What about the information?”
“Fuck the information, boys are getting reckless and Niall doesn’t know shit and Captain knows it.”
My teeth scrape across my lip. “I need to say goodbye.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I do, I just need to see him one last time.”
He grits his teeth and grumbles, “This isn’t a fucking fairy tale. He’s not going to let you go if he finds out what you’re doing.”
“I know that. I just need ten minutes. Please!” I beg.
“Fine. Meet me by the sailboat in ten minutes. If you’re even a second late I’m moving this fucking ship with you on it. You got it?”
I don’t hesitate. I turn ready to run to Captain when Clunk calls after me, “He’s with Geoffrey.”
I pick up the pace, my feet hammering on the metal floor. I bump into people, narrowly miss doors and stumble over discarded rope as I go.
I just need to see him, I just need to kiss him, just one last time.
Of course, I hate him for what he did but I only have myself to blame for letting him af
fect me, and now, stupidly I’m risking my freedom to see him one last time.
What does that mean?
I don’t give it more thought as I skid into the hall outside Geoffrey’s lab. Voices echo around the narrow space and normally I’d be eager to listen to the gossip as it travels through the hollow pipes from different rooms. The pipes work like those cup phones with string sometimes, depending where you’re standing while you talk.
“You need to up the dose.” Captain’s voice carries quietly along one of the pipes leading from Geoffrey’s lab. I stop and catch my breath.
“She hates you, this won’t stop that,” Geoffrey replies and I stand on my tiptoes to press my ear to the cold, hollow pipe.
“No, but it’ll mellow her out and at the very least make her need me again.” Captain sounds sad, mad… what is he talking about? “Or at the very least arouse her enough for me to work my way back into her life.”
Geoffrey laughs once. “That’s akin to rape.”
“I know she wants me so no, it’s not.”
“I won’t do that to her. I’m sorry but I draw the line at this concoction.”
What concoction? What are they talking about?
“I’m your captain.”
“I refuse, I’m sorry, Captain, but no more. If she wants you she’ll come to you on her own.”
On my own? Are they talking about me? Surely not…
“Geoffrey,” Captain warns and I hear a bang, as though he has slammed his fist down onto the table. “Please. I’m losing her and the deal is almost done.”
“Have you thought about asking her to stay? Telling her how you feel?”
“I did.”
“She wasn’t receptive?”
There’s a pause, their muffled voices gone leaving nothing but the sounds of the ship. I don’t know what to make of any of this.
But then I hear him hammer a nail into the coffin around me as he speaks the words, “Just mix up a stronger batch and slip it in her food like usual.”
If he thought I hated him before, I hate him even more now.
He’s been drugging me? To keep me calm? Compliant? Aroused?
Is that what I’m getting from this?
Has anything I’ve felt for him been true at all?