I picked up the photo and stared at it for a moment before placing it back on my dresser, face down. I wasn’t in the right mind frame to look at it.
I was still unsure of the true details surrounding my mother’s accident, and although our relationship had been strained, I couldn’t help but feel the loss in the deepest part of my heart. It was as if I was being transported back in time to my childhood, and my love for my mother washed over me, breaking me.
I dropped my phone and fell to my knees, my legs like jelly, unable to carry the weight of my mother’s death any longer. I let out a wail and the tears flowed unapologetically from my eyes. My sobs continued until a quiet rapping came from the front door. I sloppily wiped my hands and face with the corner of my neatly pressed comforter, leaving behind smudged mascara. I was going to have to clean that when I got back.
The knocking got louder as I slowly made my way to the door. I wasn’t expecting anyone.
“Leah, are you in there? Open the door,” Josh called worriedly, now banging on the door.
Shit… I dropped my head back and let out an audible sigh before I slowly and reluctantly opened the door.
“Josh,” I said as my puffy eyes met his.
“Leah, where have you been? I’ve been calling and texting you all day. Did your meeting with John not go well? Why are you crying?”
He reached over the threshold to cup my face in his hands, and I jerked my shoulders back in an attempt to get away from him. How the fuck had I forgotten to call my boyfriend? Who even does that?
With my left arm, I motioned for him to come in, then closed the door behind him with my right. Turning toward him, I sighed. The last thing I needed was a lecture on communication. With all that was happening around me, I couldn’t bear the thought of coming clean to him and having him want to accompany me back home. That was something I needed to do on my own, and I knew he wouldn’t understand.
All stressors aside, Josh was a great guy; a powerful and young attorney who was on his way to becoming the youngest partner in his firm. This was something that originally connected the two of us, making our relationship feel like we were always striving toward something together. Unfortunately, I knew there was no romantic connection between us anymore, and we were just coexisting, if that.
“What the hell is going on, Leah?” Josh demanded.
The look in his eyes was sheer annoyance at this point, as he had completely passed the stage of concern. Just another reason why we weren’t compatible. He couldn’t even care more about me than himself.
“Sorry,” I replied, trying to hold in my sorrow. “My, uh, my mom died.” My voice cracked as I looked up at him, not moving from the entryway of my apartment.
“Oh my god, babe! What happened? Are you okay?” He voiced his concern overdramatically, almost as if he were trying too hard to be believable. “Why didn’t you call me, Leah?”
And there it was, right on cue. The last thing I needed right now was to deal with Josh. I spent all morning thinking about how I was going to break up with him, but I just didn’t know how to drop the axe. His insensitivity was enough to make me want to pull the trigger.
“I’m sorry, Josh. It all happened so quickly, and I just wanted to make sure I could get my stuff together and get back to Grace Valley as fast as possible. My dad needs me right now. I wasn’t even thinking about who I needed to contact.”
“So you were just going to leave without telling me?” Josh questioned. “And I was supposed to, what, wait around for you? When were you going to tell me? This is ridiculous.”
“Honestly, this was the last thing I expected to happen, and I don’t even know how to comprehend it all.” I paused, his reaction weighing on me. “Wait a minute. You’re actually mad at me for grieving the death of my own mother and not calling you the minute I found out? No, Josh. This isn’t ridiculous, you are!”
“Are you serious right now? I can’t believe my girlfriend, the love of my life, is treating me this way,” he yelled at me.
“Love of your life? Oh, please, Josh. Give it a rest already,” I retorted. “The only love of your pathetic life is your stupid job. I’m not dealing with your bullshit. Get the hell out of my apartment!” I opened the door and tried my hardest to shove him into the hallway. Fucking prick.
When I tried to slam the door in his face, he stuck his foot in between the door and its frame. He wasn’t about to let me go, not without a fight. I could see it in his eyes, but I was done playing this game.
He blinked a few times, seeming confused by my words, then went on as if I hadn’t even spoken. “We just planned a wonderful Christmas trip this morning and in a matter of what, hours—minutes even—you decide I mean nothing to you?” he whined.
“Um, you planned. I listened and said I would think about it,” I said curtly. “Guess what? I thought about it, and it’s not gonna happen.”
Josh stood in the hallway with his foot wedged in the door and stared at me. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking this time. He looked lost and pissed at the same time.
“Maybe we can discuss this at a better time, don’t you think? I need to finish packing and make sure I have everything in order before I catch the train tomorrow,” I said, not sure why I even bothered to explain anything to him at all.
“Oh no,” he said with that smug Cheshire cat look he used when he thought someone was trying to pull one over on him. “You always do this! You break news to me like it’s no big deal. That’s your mother and you wait until I show up unannounced to say something? Why do you always do this? You act like you don’t care, you never show up on time, it’s like you’re in your own little world.”
I had no idea where any of this was coming from. He had never spoken to me this way before, and up until now, I hadn’t even known these things he spewed were ever even an issue. I rubbed my hands over my face and crossed my arms in front of my chest. With regret filling the room like helium in a balloon, I reached for Josh’s hand and gently slid it off the doorknob. I slowly brought my tired eyes up from his expensive Cole Haan shoes, to his even more expensive Armani suit, and eventually landed on his equal parts sad, mad, and confused eyes.
“I think you should go,” was all I could muster. My voice was soft and calm, but we both knew this was goodbye.
6
Waking up the next morning was a lot harder than I had anticipated. I had about an hour before I needed to catch the train, so I quickly washed my breakfast dishes and double-checked to make sure I had everything. Suitcase? Check. Purse? Check. Cell phone? Crap. Where was my cell phone? Why did I always do this? I ran around the apartment looking for my cell phone, until I found it…in my hand. I scoffed and shook my head. Okay, it was definitely time to go.
I put on my boots, coat, and scarf and threw my bag over my shoulder. I locked the door and turned toward the elevator.
“Walter! What are you doing up here?” I smiled at Walter, who was waiting patiently at the elevator across the hall.
“Just thought you could use some company this morning,” he told her.
“Sara called you, didn’t she?”
“Guilty as charged,” he said, taking my suitcase and leading me into the elevator. “She’s a good friend, that girl. You’re lucky to have her.”
Boy, did I know it! We rode in silence to the lobby, and I tightly hugged Walter goodbye.
“Thanks, Walter. I’m lucky to have you, too.”
Walter winked and watched me walk to the sidewalk before retreating back into the warmth of the building. He’d been doing that since the day I moved in.
It was far too cold for me to walk all the way to Grand Central Station, so I had no choice but to hail a cab. I was about to whistle when a cab stopped abruptly in front of me. Timing is everything.
“Grand Central,” I told the cab driver, and he zipped through the busy streets, weaving in and out of cars like he was Mario Andretti. I held on to the door handle for dear life. I still wasn’t used to traveling th
at close to other cars at such a high rate of speed.
I handed my Nascar driver the fare, grabbed my bags, and headed toward the station. I quickly purchased a ticket and made my way toward the platform. It was eerily quiet for a Saturday morning, and I wondered if this was a precursor to what was awaiting me in Grace Valley. The last place I wanted to be was stuck on a stuffy train when I could be curled up under my favorite blanket with a hot cup of coffee and a really good book. And yet, there I was, traveling to the same place I had been avoiding for years.
As I sat down in the seat furthest from the door, the stench of alcohol hit my nose, reminding me of how happy I was to have skipped over that stage in my life. I noticed the remnants of last night’s party crowd still lingered on the train floor. I never understood how people could leave garbage on the floor. Beer cans, pizza crust, and napkins were strewn about.
I popped in my ear buds, ready to zone out to my favorite band and people watch. The strumming of the bass guitar almost lulled me to sleep, but of course, thoughts of my mother crept in, not allowing me the relaxing trip I had hoped for. Traveling home, I couldn’t help but think of the story of how my parents met.
My mom, Lucia, was born in Italy and always dreamed of going to college in America. She wanted to become a teacher so she could be a bright light in someone’s life, but her parents wanted her to have a more lucrative career. My mom was headstrong and resilient. She knew what she had to do regardless of how her parents felt. I was a lot like her in that aspect, and I liked that I shared those qualities with her.
My dad was a nineteen-year-old baggage handler at the airport and was working the day my mom arrived in Connecticut. My mom finished school in three years instead of four, and they were married the year after. My parents moved into a beautiful farmhouse in Grace Valley that had been in my dad’s family for many years, and a year later, gave birth to me, the pride and joy of both of their lives. And as the story goes; the rest was history.
Oh, Mom. How had we ended up this way?
The train’s sudden stop tore me from my thoughts, and I was grateful for the break. So was the skin on my thumb that I had been feverishly picking at. I still had a long way to go before I arrived back home, and I could only take so much before I had a nervous breakdown. I wanted to make sure I was strong for my father even though I was falling apart at the seams, but these memories were not helping. It was a shame the express didn’t run to Grace Valley anymore. All of these stops along the way were annoying.
I looked down at the small speck of blood slowly coming to the surface of my finger and quickly wiped it away with a tissue before shoving the tissue into my sleeve. An annoying habit I had picked up from my mother. I better remember I put it there. I was getting tired of picking tissue pieces off my clothes and dryer vent.
My relationship with my mother hadn’t always been on the outs. As a matter of fact, before the fight, we were so close that people sometimes confused us for sisters. I guess that was a perk of her having me at such a young age.
An older woman boarded the train and sat directly across from me. She was dressed like a high-level executive, with her black pencil skirt, cream floral blouse, and maroon cardigan. Draped over her arm was a maroon duster jacket that matched the cardigan and oversized handbag. I almost laughed out loud when she looked down because the woman had on the clunkiest rain boots that did not compliment her outfit at all.
“I know,” the woman said to me. “I can see it written all over your face. What is this woman wearing?”
“Oh, no, I’m so sorry,” I rushed out, embarrassed I couldn’t keep my face quiet. “I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s been a rough couple of days.”
“Care to talk about it? I’m a great listener,” the woman offered.
“Thank you, but I’ll be okay. Just a lot on my mind. I appreciate the offer, though.”
The woman smiled at me and held out her hand, offering a caramel candy. My bottom lip started to quiver, and I immediately felt tears well up in my eyes. I was careful not to blink and let them fall. Of course, this kind woman would offer me my mom’s favorite candy. I thanked her and quickly put my earbuds back in. I hoped the soothing sounds of Andrea Bocelli would keep me in a calmer state of mind.
I always listened to opera when I was sad because it brought me such joy. As a little girl, my mother would have it blasting throughout the house and we would dance in circles for hours together before my father came home. I would always sing the English verses even though I couldn’t carry a tune to save my life. We had plans to see Bocelli in concert one day, something I’d still love to do.
I made a mental note to make sure I checked that off my bucket list. Maybe I could get Dad to come with me. Ha ha, yeah right! The chances of that were slim. Maybe if Andrea were actually John Lennon, but clearly, that wasn’t possible.
It was apparent the memories of my mother weren’t going to be leaving my mind any time soon, so I vowed then and there to allow myself to succumb to all of them. After all, I was my mother's daughter, and if there was one thing that Lucia left with me, it was her good-natured heart. Even though she had parted the Earth while we were on bad terms, that didn’t mean I needed to be childish about my feelings. My mother wouldn’t want me to hold my emotions inside.
I spent the remainder of the ride staring out the window watching the landscape move from trees to water to houses. I had forgotten how different it was outside of the city. I must have fallen asleep because I felt a tap on my shoulder, and when I looked up, the train was empty.
“Miss? This is the last stop,” the conductor told me. The corners of his curled-up mustache brushed against his nostrils as he spoke.
“Thank you,” I mustered before I gathered my belongings and headed down the train platform to the sitting area.
Since the train arrived almost twenty minutes earlier than expected, I knew I would have to wait for my father. He was a right-on-the-button type of man; never early and never, ever late. According to Josh, I hadn’t inherited that trait. I smiled at a group of kids who stood with their parents and waited to board the train.
I walked over to the coffee bar and took a quick look at the menu. My eyes trailed over the column of different hot chocolates and teas. There were so many to choose from. Peppermint, chai, caramel. Ooh, holiday blend cocoa?! I pulled my wallet out of my bag and waited for the barista to take my order.
“Leah?” he asked when he finally turned around.
“Oh, hey, Matt! I didn’t know you worked here,” I said to an old acquaintance from high school.
“Wow, it’s been ages! Yeah, I bought this place from the station after college. What can I get for you?”
“Oh, good for you!” I acknowledged his accomplishment. “There are so many options. The last time I was here, I think there was only decaf and regular coffee and tea! I’ll just have a medium hot coffee with cream and sugar, please.”
“Coming right up!” he said, grabbing an empty cup and filling it with my order. “So what brings you back to town?” He stopped abruptly. “Oh, I’m sorry, Leah. I can’t believe I just said that.” He handed me the coffee, his cheeks turning pink.
“It’s okay, Matt. I came here knowing it would be a bittersweet reunion.” I inhaled deeply and took a big gulp, savoring every bit of the earthy and nutty flavor. “But, hey, it was nice seeing you. I’m gonna go wait for my dad. Let’s try to catch up soon, though.”
Matt nodded, and I picked up my bag and threw it over my shoulder. I would have loved to stay and chat, but it wasn’t the time or place. I clutched onto the steaming cup of coffee and started to make my way to the front of the train lobby to wait for my dad. Five minutes into this place, and I was already regretting not having come back sooner. I really missed all of the little things I had taken for granted.
I blew out a long breath of air and turned around, bumping right into the back of a man standing uncomfortably close to me, and spilling my coffee all over the floor and me. Dammit! I hurr
ied to wipe off the coffee on my pants, then paused and looked up to apologize. My mouth gaped open, and I would have dropped my coffee if it weren’t already all over the floor.
“Caleb?!” I gasped in shock.
7
Summer, seven years ago
Heat lightning cracked across the sky, illuminating the little dirt path leading to the meadow. I could smell the freshly cut grass and was grateful I had put on my old, beat-up sneakers and not my brand new, white sandals. My mother would have been pissed if I ruined those. Lucia was already upset that I was leaving the state for college, so I could only imagine how she would react over grass stains.
As I got closer to the meadow, I could see Caleb’s bike leaning against the side of Dooley Butler’s horse barn. I still couldn’t believe he was choosing this old farm over college, but I knew the closeness Caleb and Dooley shared wasn’t something you came across every day. Dooley was one of Caleb’s dad’s best friends, and after he died, Dooley became a father figure to him. He took Caleb on fishing trips, gave him fatherly advice, and was around whenever he needed someone or something his mom couldn’t give him.
“Caleb,” I called breathlessly, tossing my bike to the ground when I finally reached the barn. “I didn’t know it was supposed to rain tonight.”
“It’s not. At least, it wasn’t supposed to,” he responded, arms stretched out and ready for me to fall into them.
Caleb was taller than me by close to a foot. I had to stand on my tiptoes just to be able to wrap my arms around his neck. As he pulled me closer to him, his crystal-blue eyes sparkled in the moonlight, sending shivers down my spine. I inhaled his scent subconsciously, knowing it was all I would have to remember him by once I left.
Return to Grace Page 5