by K. M. Scott
“Mommy’s not feeling good again today. I need you to let her sleep, and that means only making noise if you’re not in the house. I told Cara you can go swimming and play outside, so she’s going to be putting sunscreen on you before you go. Don’t fight her about it, Ethan. You understand me?”
He nodded, his big eyes wide because of my stern tone. I didn’t want to sound so serious with them, but I couldn’t shed what Nina was dealing with upstairs and how torn up it made me feel.
“Okay. Now you three be good and remember to let Mommy sleep, okay?”
All three of them in unison answered, “Okay, Daddy,” and then immediately returned to playing with the milk in their bowls. I walked around the table to kiss each one goodbye and left to begin my day and hopefully get back to find Nina better somehow.
Six hours later, I’d rushed through a day’s work to return home early, but I found Nina still lying in bed in the same position as when I’d left that morning. I felt helpless. Nothing I said made her feel better, but I had to find some way.
I checked on the kids to make sure they were okay outside with Cara and headed to the only place I thought might hold the answer to what Nina needed. I was her husband, but at that moment, I felt no more useful than a perfect stranger. Maybe I needed to ask someone who knew her not as a wife or mother but as a friend.
As I stood on Jordan’s front porch waiting for her to answer, I hoped to God she’d know what I needed to do. I couldn’t let Nina just drift away, but if I didn’t succeed in getting her out of her depression, I feared that’s exactly what would happen.
Jordan opened the door and stared out at me. “Tristan, what’s wrong?”
“I obviously haven’t succeeded in hiding it. Can we talk? I need your help.”
She stepped back to welcome me into the house and closed the door. “It’s Nina, isn’t it? She’s still not feeling any better.”
Nodding, I sighed. “I don’t know what to do, but I have to do something before it’s too late.”
We sat down in her living room where Nina and I had spent more than a few fun-filled times with Jordan. Times Nina laughed so hard she complained her stomach hurt. Times we toasted our good fortune and looked forward to more success for all of us.
Now those times felt so far in the past I wondered if we’d ever be like that again.
“She still hasn’t gotten out of bed?” Jordan asked, her words laced with sadness.
I shook my head and didn’t try to hide my own unhappiness with that fact. “No. I’m not sure I’m the right person to help her. Before this, I thought we could overcome anything, but I don’t know the right words to say to make her feel better. I’m worried she’s slipping away.”
“No one else is better to reach her, Tristan. I know this is hard, but she needs you to pull her out of this. She can’t do it alone,” Jordan said with her usual supportiveness.
“I don’t understand why this is affecting her like this. She and I have three wonderful children, and the doctor didn’t say we couldn’t have more after this. Why is she acting like that isn’t the case?”
Jordan sighed. “Ask her.”
“I’ve tried. I keep trying, but nothing I say makes her want to talk,” I admitted sadly. “I’m thinking maybe a doctor would be better at this than I am.”
“No, I think that’s a mistake. Nina’s never been much for doctors, as you know. You’re the one who can help her get through this. You just have to keep trying.”
Swallowing hard, I admitted the truth I hated. “I don’t understand why she would feel so depressed. Yes, a new baby would have been nice, but we have a happy family right now. She’s got three children who love her and a husband who adores her.”
“She needs to know you love her no matter what, Tristan.”
I looked at Jordan in confusion. “How could she doubt how much I love her?”
The smile I received as an answer wasn’t what I expected. “No matter what, Nina’s always that middle class girl from the suburbs of Philly, and you’re Tristan Stone.”
“But she’s Nina Stone. She has been for five years. Everything we have we have together.”
Jordan shrugged. “It’s not about things, Tristan. It’s never been about things. I don’t know why, but this baby meant more to her than we understand. You need to find out why.”
God, I hated not knowing what Nina was going through. She was all alone in her misery because she couldn’t share this with me, but why?
“Why won’t she talk to me and tell me what’s wrong? I don’t understand. I’m right there with her going through it, but she’s closed herself off.”
“I don’t know, but I know she loves you and the kids more than she can say. She just can’t see past how heartbroken she is right now. She needs you now like she needed you when she was suffering from postpartum depression.”
My stomach tightened at her mention of that time after the kids were born. I hadn’t connected the two, but maybe this was like after their birth. God, I didn’t know how to deal with any of this.
I just knew I had to.
“Jordan, I have a big favor to ask. I think I might be able to get through to her if it was just the two of us. Would you be able to take the kids for a while? Cara would be there to help. I know it’s a lot to ask, but…”
She didn’t let me finish before she held her hand up to stop me. “Of course, I will. I love spending time with your little ones. We’ll make it like summer camp in May. I have more than enough room for everyone, so just send them on over.”
“I’m hoping it won’t take too long. I’ll be over to see the kids every day, and any problem, all you have to do is call me. I’m planning on taking time off from work, so I’ll be at the house if you need anything.”
Jordan waved away my concern. “Between Cara and me, we’ll be fine. Three five-year-olds aren’t too much for us. You can bring them all over today, if you want.”
I stood to leave and she hugged me. “You can get through to her, Tristan. Don’t give up on our girl.”
On my way back to the house, I thought about what she said. I didn’t know if I could be the one to get through to Nina, but I wouldn’t give up on her. If spending some time alone, just the two of us, didn’t work, then I’d keep trying until I found something that did.
Nina deserved nothing less from me after all the times she’d stood by my side.
After kissing the kids goodbye and watching as they ran off to play, I thanked Jordan and Cara for helping me and returned home. I’d told work to not bother me unless it was absolutely necessary, so now I had to find a way to bring Nina out of her depression after losing our child.
She lay in bed on her side all curled up, and I climbed into bed fully dressed and wrapped my arms around her. She didn’t move or react at all, which made me doubt I could even help, but I had to try.
“I’m here, Nina. I took the kids and Cara to Jordan’s to stay for a while, so it’s just the two of us.”
Still, she didn’t say a word, but for the first time in days, she didn’t pull away when I held her in my arms. That was something I wanted to consider progress.
“I’m not leaving you either until I know you’re better,” I whispered next to her ear. “I told work I’m out of the office indefinitely, so I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
She didn’t respond, but it didn’t matter. I just needed her to know I was there for her.
That night as she slept, I sat in bed and wrote her a letter like I had all those years before. We weren’t the same people now, but I didn’t know a better way to let her know how much I loved her and wanted to make her happy again.
Nina,
I know your heart is broken over the loss of our child. Mine is too, and I want so much to be able to help you see that we’re going to be okay. We have each other and three beautiful children. I love you more than I can say. No matter what happens, I’m by your side. Never forget that.
Love always,
Tristan
Chapter Fourteen
Tristan
The next morning, I awoke and found the letter I’d left on her nightstand now tucked under her pillow. She’d read it and hadn’t responded, but I couldn’t give up. So I wrote more.
Dear Nina,
Since you kept my first letter, I’m hoping you’ll read and keep this one too. Last night, I heard you crying as I held you. I know this hurts. It hurts even more to know what this is doing to you. You’re not alone in this. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.
Love Always,
Tristan
I folded the piece of paper in half and placed the letter on her nightstand. Her eyes were closed, but as I sat in bed writing it, she woke up, so I hoped once I walked out of the room she’d read it and know she could talk to me about how she felt.
The house felt like a crypt without the kids around and with Nina lost in her misery. I missed all of them, but at least I knew all I had to do to see the children was to go next door. Reaching Nina would be far more difficult.
Walking through room after room, I glanced at the things we owned with disinterest. I’d give every single one of them to see her smile again. I had more money than I’d ever truly need, but it meant nothing at that moment. What she needed couldn’t be bought.
Even worse, I wasn’t sure I was the person capable of giving her what she needed. The letters made me feel better, gave me a glimmer of hope that I was reaching her, but I doubted myself and my ability to break through the sadness that had enveloped Nina.
She didn’t eat. She didn’t talk. She just lay there, sometimes with her eyes open and sometimes sleeping, but even in her sleep she seemed to cry. I’d never felt this hopeless in my life.
I thought back to right after the triplets were born and remembered how seeing Diana in that incubator every day felt. We didn’t know if she’d make it since she was so tiny, but at no point did I feel hopeless. I knew the doctors and nurses tending her were giving her the best care around, so when I gently touched her through that glove I had to wear, I believed she’d survive.
Now, there were no doctors or nurses, and as each day dragged on, I began to wonder if maybe Nina needed what they could offer more than what I had to give. When the doctor saw her after the miscarriage, he’d been sympathetic and hopeful. We could have more children. Just not this one at this time.
As I climbed the stairs to return to our bedroom, I tried to imagine how carrying a child for nearly three months felt for Nina. We’d planned on announcing the news next week when we were supposed to begin preparing the spare bedroom to be the nursery. Nina had read something about some superstition that said not to announce a pregnancy before the second trimester, so we agreed not to tell anyone when we found out two months ago.
But she’d been so excited about a new baby in our lives that she told Jordan early before everyone else. She’d begun choosing colors for the new baby’s room. Green and yellow because it didn’t matter if it was a boy or girl. Each night, she’d sit beside me in bed and show me images of what she wanted on the walls of the nursery.
A zoo theme with elephants and lions and tigers. She said she wanted it to be colorful. When I asked her what she’d do if it was twins or even triplets this time, her mouth dropped in shock and she immediately began searching to find out if that would likely happen since we’d already had a multiple birth and I was a twin. I secretly suspected she would have loved to find out we were having twins this time.
And then that night as I was driving home she called me in a panic, sobbing that something was wrong. She had cramps that didn’t feel right. She began bleeding. I tried to keep her calm and immediately called the doctor, but by the time I got to the house, it was all over.
The baby was gone when so many miscarriages happen, in the first trimester, and as we sat in the doctor’s office the next morning listening to him explain how common it was, I wasn’t sure a word he said made it through her sobbing. I thanked him for his understanding and support, like I was supposed to, and drove her home as she cried uncontrollably.
Still sobbing, she walked up to our room and crawled into bed. A little while later, she cried herself to sleep, and when she woke up, something had changed in her. She refused to talk. She wouldn’t get out of bed. She wouldn’t let Ethan, Tressa, or Diana in when they knocked on the door asking to see her.
As if losing the baby extinguished the light in her, Nina turned away from us while I watched not knowing how to bring her back.
I stopped in front of our bedroom door and sighed. I couldn’t give up, even though I didn’t think what I’d done so far was making any difference. I just had to think of some way to reach her.
Although I’d expected her to still be in bed in the same position as when I left, I couldn’t help be disappointed when I saw her there still curled up on her side of the bed. I looked over on her nightstand and a tiny bit of happiness sprung up in me.
The letter I’d left was gone.
I walked around to her side of the bed and saw it had joined the other letter under her pillow. Nina lay on her side with her eyes closed as she had for days. I wanted to see her look at me again, so I sat down on the floor in front of her nightstand and watched her sleep. She looked so peaceful. Anyone seeing her wouldn’t know how much sadness had grown inside her in the past week.
“I went downstairs to eat, but I wasn’t really hungry. I can go get you something if you want,” I whispered into the silence surrounding us. She hadn’t eaten in days and hadn’t even answered me when I asked yesterday.
Her eyelids fluttered a tiny bit, so I added, “I can get you anything, Nina. Anything you want. All you have to do is tell me, honey.”
For a long moment, I waited, hoping she would open her eyes and look at me, but as the seconds ticked by and her eyes stayed closed, I had no choice but to accept that this wouldn’t be the moment she finally spoke again.
Her expression remained peaceful, but I knew inside her a torrent of sadness continued to grow. I sat there watching her for hours, wishing she’d open her eyes. That’s all I wanted. I’d wait for a smile. I just wanted to see those beautiful blue eyes again.
At one point, I drifted off from exhaustion, and when I woke up, I saw her staring at me. For a few seconds, I wondered if I was dreaming. Her eyes were red-rimmed from all that crying, and the blue color I loved so much seemed filled with utter sadness. When she moved her hand to touch the letters underneath her pillow, I knew this was real.
“Why are you sitting there, Tristan?” she asked so quietly I could barely hear her.
“I wanted to see you. I wanted to see your eyes, so I figured I’d sit here in case you opened them.”
“That must be uncomfortable. You should get up off the floor,” she said flatly.
“This isn’t too bad. I can’t see your face if I stay on my side of the bed.”
“If I promise to roll over, will you get up?”
Nodding, I smiled and hoped she would give me one in return, but she didn’t. She simply rolled over to face my side of the bed, so I stood up and walked over to lay down next to her. As I slid into bed, she crawled up my side and rested her head in the space between my jaw and my shoulder. Hugging me, she clung to my body and let out a heavy sigh.
I waited, thinking she might say something, but she fell silent again. Tilting my head, I pressed a kiss on top of hers and squeezed her in my arms.
“The sadness feels like it’s coming off you in waves. You’re not alone, Nina. I’m right here.”
In a tiny voice filled with pain, she whispered, “Tristan, I feel like I’m drowning in those waves. I feel like it’s too much for me to handle.”
“You don’t have to handle it alone. I’m here, Nina. I won’t let you go. I won’t let you drown.”
She began to cry, and with each time her body shook, I hugged her tightly to me and whispered, “I’m here. You aren’t alone. Just hang on to me.”
I’d never seen
her so sad, and I didn’t know if anything I said helped, but I had to make sure she knew I was there with her.
We didn’t say another word, and for the first time in days, I fell asleep. When I woke up, Nina had turned over and was facing the other way again.
Disappointed, I sat up in bed and grabbed the pen and paper to write her another letter. The first two had resulted in her finally speaking to me, or at least I wanted to believe that, so I needed to keep trying to get through to her.
Dear Nina,
It feels like you’re drifting away. Come back to me. I know the waves are high and it feels like you can’t hang on, but cling to me. I won’t let you drown in all that sadness.
Last night when you fell asleep on me, it reminded me of when we were first married. Do you remember that? You’d fall asleep in my arms, and I’d watch you for hours when I couldn’t sleep. Don’t let yourself forget how good that felt and how you can feel that again whenever you want.
I love you, Nina.
Tristan
Like I had twice before, I folded the piece of paper and left it on her nightstand before I walked into the bathroom for a shower. Desperate for anything that might make me feel alive again, I stood under the hot water as it pelted against my skin for nearly thirty minutes. All the while I tried to find the words to say to make her see this loss was something we could overcome.
But even as I thought that, a tiny seed of doubt grew in me that I wouldn’t be enough to help Nina withstand the tidal wave of grief that threatened to consume her.
When I walked back into the bedroom, I saw the note was gone from the nightstand. The corner of it poked out from underneath the pillow. She’d placed it with the others.
I knelt down next to the bed and kissed her. “I’m going to see the kids at Jordan’s today. I’ll tell them you love them and miss them.”