by K. M. Scott
She didn’t open her eyes, but I thought I saw her lip quiver. I waited for her to say something, but she didn’t, so I said, “I won’t be long, and then I’ll be right back.”
When I came home, she was turned over and facing my side of the bed. I slid under the covers, and without a word, she crawled up my side to lay her head on my chest. Wrapping my arms around her, I held her close.
“I’m here, honey. I saw the kids. I told them we love them. They’re fine with Jordan and Cara. They made you a get well card. Do you want to see it?”
Nina lifted her head and looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “I do.”
I reached into my pocket and held it up for her to see. Ethan had drawn a big yellow sun and the words Get Well in blue crayon. Tressa had added green grass along the bottom of the page and red and yellow flowers, and Diana had drawn a big pink smiley face in between the pictures her sister and brother had created.
“What kind of mother am I? What’s wrong with me?” she asked with tears rolling down her cheeks.
“You’re a wonderful mother,” I whispered against the top of her head.
Burying her face in my chest, she sobbed, “No, I’m not. I lost our baby, and now I can’t even take care of my own children. Nothing about that is wonderful.”
“Shhh. Don’t say that.”
“Both are the truth, Tristan.”
The sadness is her voice was unbearable. I couldn’t let her go on thinking she’d done something wrong or she was a terrible mother because of the miscarriage.
“This baby wasn’t meant to be. That’s not your fault. These things happen. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother. You gave birth to three beautiful children all at once. Very few women can say that.”
Against my chest, she said quietly, “I wanted this baby so badly, Tristan. Why did this have to happen to us?”
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully, wishing I did know the reason why this baby wasn’t meant to be. “All I know is we have a wonderful family with three incredible children who love their mother. I love their mother more than I can say, and I wish I knew what to say to make you see that things are going to be okay.”
She looked up at me and sniffled. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t stop feeling this sadness that feels like it’s in every part of me. What’s wrong with me?”
I shook my head and hugged her tightly to me as she began to cry again. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re sad because we lost our baby. That’s not wrong. I just need you to know that one day this won’t hurt as much. Until then, I’ll be here to hold you when you feel like those waves are too big for you to handle on your own.”
When she stopped crying, she said, “I like your letters. They made me cry they were so beautiful. Thank you for understanding.”
The problem was I didn’t understand completely. I probably never would because as much as I would have loved another child, I didn’t feel the loss the same as she did. I couldn’t. I hadn’t held it inside me like she had.
“Maybe in my next one I’ll write something that doesn’t make you cry.”
“I cried because they were so sweet, not because they were bad. I like them,” she answered, curling up next to me and pulling me tightly to her.
For the first time in nearly a week, Nina had spoken about what she was going through. I didn’t know what I’d write in the next letter, but I knew I had to keep writing them. As simple as they were, they seemed to be helping, even in the tiniest way.
While she slept, her head still resting on my chest, I wrote my next letter and hoped it would make her smile for the first time in far too long.
Dear Nina,
Do you remember the first time I drove you out to this house? You worried I might be an ax murderer, and the whole time I just wanted to impress you. Then you grabbed the steering wheel from me and nearly killed the two of us. I realized at that moment I cared far more than I’d ever planned to for you. I also realized I never wanted you to drive my car because you’d likely wreck it.
I like thinking back to those early days of us. When you feel like the sadness is too much to bear, remember those times.
Love always,
Tristan
Unlike all the other days and nights in the past week, she didn’t roll over that afternoon. When she woke up, I kissed her sweetly and held up my latest letter.
“For you.”
I watched her read my words, and the tiniest hint of a smile formed on her lips. It wasn’t all I hoped for her, but it was something.
Chapter Fifteen
Tristan
Three days and half a dozen letters later, I saw her smile for the first time again. I walked into the bedroom after going to see the kids at Jordan’s, and Nina was sitting up in bed. I handed her another get well card the kids had made, and she smiled as she took it from me.
When she finished looking at it, she placed it with my letters and their first get well card under her pillow and took a deep breath in. “I don’t want to cry today. I want to be happy, Tristan.”
My heart soared at the sound of her words. She wanted to be happy, and I could help with that. “Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat.”
Nodding, she said, “I am, but first, I need to take a shower. It’s time to wash off the ten layers of misery and sadness clinging to me.”
“What would you like to eat? It’s nearly time for dinner, so I can make whatever you want.”
She thought about it for a moment and then swung her legs off the side of the bed. “What day is it?”
“Thursday.”
Again, she didn’t answer immediately. Standing from the bed, she smoothed her hair down against her head and then looked over at me as I stood near the bedroom doorway. “I’d like pancakes with butter and syrup. Can we have that for dinner?”
“Absolutely. Do you want bacon or sausage to go with the pancakes?” I asked, trying to remember if I saw either in the refrigerator the last time I looked.
She gave me a little smile, the second one that day. “Bacon, if we have it. If not, that’s okay.”
“Okay. Take your time in the shower because I want to have dinner ready when you come down. Maybe a bath? That would give me enough time to get everything ready.”
“A bath sounds nice. Maybe I will take a bath instead,” she said as she walked toward the bathroom.
Once I knew she wasn’t coming back into the bedroom, I quickly wrote out another letter and left it on her pillow. Then I hurried downstairs to make Nina her pancakes with butter and syrup.
Dear Nina,
You’re cordially invited to have breakfast for dinner with me in the dining room. Dress will be casual, so wear whatever you like. Feel free to come naked, if you choose. I’ll be happy however you decide.
I look forward to our date.
Love,
Tristan
A half hour later, I waited with a stack of pancakes a foot high and the half-pound of bacon I found in the refrigerator. The delicious mix of sweet and salty scents hung in the air, but as I heard Nina’s footsteps on the stairs, I remembered I’d forgotten to light the two candles I’d placed in the center of the table. Quickly, I found the lighter and remedied that before she made her way to the dining room.
She stopped short in the doorway, surprised at what awaited her. “Wow, I didn’t think you’d go all out like this. Candles?”
I walked over to meet her and took her by the hand. “The invitation said it was a date. You have to have candlelight for a date,” I said with a smile.
“This date smells delicious. The smell of that bacon made it all the way up the stairs. My mouth was watering the whole time I was getting dressed.”
“You look beautiful, Nina.”
Blushing, she looked down at her light blue dress and shrugged. “It’s just something I thought would work with pancakes and bacon. I’m glad you like it.”
“I love it just like I love you.” I pulled ou
t her chair for her to sit and added, “Get ready for the best pancakes you’ve ever had. Feel free to start eating so this doesn’t get cold.”
She did just that and over the next hour, Nina ate more than I’d seen her eat in years. As she finished her fifth pancake and the last few remaining pieces of bacon, her eyes filled with tears.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so lost, Tristan. I never wanted to shut you out. I just felt so unbelievably sad about losing our baby. You and the kids shouldn’t have suffered because of that, though, so I’m sorry.”
I slid my hand over hers and shook my head. “The only suffering for us was knowing you were so sad and we couldn’t do anything to fix that. I wish I knew what to say to make the pain go away.”
A frown marred her expression, which had been so happy before. “I don’t think it will ever go away. It will just get easier.”
Nothing I wanted to say seemed right, so I just sat there in silence and hoped she knew how much I wanted to see her happy again.
Finally, after a minute or so, she said, “Do you know what made me want to get out of bed today? Your letters.”
“Then they did just what I wanted them to do,” I said, happy to know those words I so hoped would help actually had made her feel better.
“Thank you for being the kind of man who won’t give up, Tristan. I don’t think most men would have taken off work and stayed in bed with me all this time. I know it’s more your style to bury yourself in Stone Worldwide when you’re hurting, and I know you wanted this baby as much as I did, so what you did means the world to me.”
I leaned down and lifted her hand to my mouth for a kiss. “I would do anything to make you happy, Nina, but I didn’t know how. The letters were all I could do to show you that I loved you. I figured if it worked back when we were first together that it might work now.”
Nina pressed her cheek to my palm and smiled. “If the rest of the world knew what kind of romantic you are.”
Chuckling, I finished the rest of her thought. “I’d probably lose control of my company and then you’d be stuck with me here all the time. Then you’d get sick of me.”
“Never. It doesn’t matter what happens. I will never get sick of you, Tristan Stone.”
I looked beneath those letters I wrote her and there were the get well cards the kids had drawn her. Strange, but I never thought she’d keep my letters. The kids’ cards? Of course. That’s the kind of mother she was. But my letters? I didn’t think she’d put them away, tied with a ribbon for safe keeping.
As I sat there lost in thought, my phone rang. Fishing it out of my pocket, I saw it was Tressa, so I hurried to answer, hoping it wouldn’t be bad news.
“Tressa, what’s going on? Did the doctor come back?” I asked as I stood from the bed.
“He’s here and he wants to talk to all of us, Dad. I thought you’d be back already, but I told him I’d let you know. Are you okay?”
Always the worrier, even about me.
“I’m fine,” I answered as I rushed out of the bedroom. “Damnit, I forgot the nightgown. That’s what’s taken me so long. Your mother doesn’t have anything she’d want strangers to see her in while she’s there.”
“Wait, wait. Let me think,” Tressa said, and I practically heard her begin to pace. “I think I remember Mom having a T-shirt dress she likes to wear around the house. It’s not really a nightgown, but it could work in a pinch. I think it’s blue or white. I’m not sure, but look in the closet for it. I just saw her wearing it a few weeks ago.”
I ran back to the closet and looked for a T-shirt dress. Hadn’t I seen one of them before? No, that was the white sweater dress. Christ, why were there so many types of damn dresses?
My gaze hurried over hanger after hanger, and then I finally saw it. “Got it! Light blue T-shirt dress! Tell Dr. Rankin I’ll be there in a few minutes. Don’t let him leave, Tressa. We need to know what he’s found.”
“Don’t worry, Dad. I’ll keep him talking so he can’t leave. Just be careful driving back. We don’t need both of you laid up in a hospital bed.”
“Good girl. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
On the way out of the bedroom, I ran back to the bathroom to grab Nina’s brush. Anything else I could get later, but I knew my wife. If she didn’t have that brush she raved about every morning, I’d hear about it.
After pushing Tressa’s car to the limit to get back to the hospital in record time, I raced up to the ICU to find my daughter doing exactly what she said she would. Leave it to her to talk up a doctor long enough to buy me time to get back.
Handing her the T-shirt dress, I caught my breath from rushing down the hall and said, “Sorry, doctor. I got tied up at the house for a few minutes getting Nina her things.”
I held out the brush in my left hand as some kind of proof and shrugged. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Have you found anything to explain what’s going on with Nina?”
He smiled, and I held my breath hoping to God his grin meant he’d figured out what was wrong and wasn’t just putting on that face medical professionals wore that they hoped made things better but only made them worse. I didn’t need fake support. I needed answers and now.
Finally, he nodded. “We’ve figured it out, and it’s not bad, I’m happy to say. We’re going to be able to start bringing her out of the coma today. Have you ever heard of adult onset Still’s disease?”
His question filtered through my brain, and I shook my head. Looking at each of the kids, I saw by their confused expressions that they had no clue what this disease was either.
“No. I have no idea. Is that what’s wrong with my wife?”
“Yes. We tested her for lung cancer, cardiac disease, pneumonia, and even basic allergies that may have just manifested differently in her, but she had none of those. I’d almost been convinced she was suffering from lupus.”
The word lupus echoed through the room. I’d known people who were diagnosed with that disease. Not a single good memory of what they went through came to me. Suddenly, I felt weak.
But the way he said that meant she didn’t have lupus, right?
Before I could ask him to just tell me what the hell she had, Dr. Rankin touched my arm and smiled. “Then I remembered hearing about a case similar to Nina’s and we started looking at what was going on as Still’s. You’ve never heard of it because it’s a rare form of arthritis.”
Maybe because of the stress of everything that had happened, but I didn’t understand what he meant. Arthritis? How could that be what was wrong with Nina? She could barely breathe. That didn’t sound like any kind of arthritis I’d ever heard of.
“I can see by the look on your face that you’re skeptical. For many years, people were. It’s called adult onset Still’s disease because it’s a variation of juvenile arthritis found in adults like Nina. One of the most common symptoms is a high fever that spikes out of nowhere. I remembered you mentioning that to me, and then it all began to make sense. Your wife didn’t have the flu last week. She was suffering from undiagnosed Still’s,” Dr. Rankin explained.
With every word, my worry and stress over Nina began to melt away. He’d already said she could be brought out of the medically induced coma today, so she’d be fine. The doctor hadn’t said that in those exact words, but everything about what he told me said this wouldn’t be a nightmare for much longer.
“So she’s going to be okay?” I asked, praying to God one more time to give me a good answer to that question.
He nodded and patted me on the forearm. “Nina’s going to be fine. The general treatment is steroids and a few other drugs, but we can talk about that when she’s awake. Many patients have symptoms only occasionally, while some suffer from Still’s chronically. We’ll have to watch to see how she reacts to the treatment. But this is good news, overall, so you can be happy.”
“Thank you, Dr. Rankin. You’ve made my day,” I said, smiling as I shook his hand. “You very well have made my life. Thank you.”
“Give us a little time to bring her out of it. I hope by tomorrow she’ll be sitting up and talking to you. For now, why don’t you all get something to eat and relax? Everything’s going to be fine.”
I breathed a sigh of true relief and smiled. Nina would be okay. I’d have more time with her, after all.
As the kids hugged one another and cried, I silently thanked God for answering my prayers.
Thank you for bringing her back to me. Thank you, God.
“Daddy, we’re going to the cafeteria. Please come and eat something with us. The doctors and nurses have to do their job,” Diana said as she took my hand. “Come on. Let’s get you something to eat.”
“Okay. I’ll be right there. I just want to talk to your mother for a minute.”
The three of them left, all smiles on their way downstairs to the cafeteria, and I took my seat next to Nina once more. Holding her hand, I said to her, “They figured out what’s going on, and you’re going to be fine. I can’t wait to talk to you again and hear you talk back to me. I’ve missed hearing your voice and seeing your smile and those beautiful blue eyes. I’m going to get something to eat with the kids downstairs, but I’ll be right here when you wake up. I love you, Nina. I’ll see you in a little while, honey.”
I didn’t know if she could hear me, but if she could, she knew how happy I was that soon she’d be back and we could restart our life together after this scare. We’d lost these hours together, and I planned on us spending the rest of our lives making up for them.
Chapter Sixteen
Tristan
One by one, the machines in Nina’s hospital room disappeared, except for the one that monitored her pulse. No longer on the ventilator and all those other devices, she truly looked like she was just asleep. Dr. Rankin warned me that it might take a while for her to fully wake and that we didn’t need to worry.