by David Horne
“I don't care about him! Can't you see Simon, I care about you! This is changing you.”
“According to you everything is changing me. Maybe I needed to be changed. The old Simon obviously wasn't working.”
“It was for me. I don't want to see you turn into the man who will do anything for a story, the man who will throw other people under the bus. Do you think that's what your father would have wanted you to be?”
“I don't know, do I, because he's not around. Neither is my mom. The only family I have in my life is you, and at the moment you don't seem to be happy with any of my choices.”
“Maybe that's because you're making the wrong ones.”
“It's my life, Amy. I get to make these choices. You don't control me.”
“Is that what you think I'm doing? Controlling you? You really need to take a look in the mirror Simon. It's like you've changed in the space of a few days. Is it really the story, or is it something else?”
“I don't know what you're talking about,” Simon said petulantly. Amy tilted her head to look at him more carefully. Simon folded his arms across his chest, hating how she could look at him like that, with such knowing in her eyes.
“It's that guy, isn't it, Logan.”
“No.”
“Yes it is. Oh my God,” Amy said, laughing loudly. “You're getting so worked up about a guy. What are you, seventeen again?” she said, and tossed a pillow at him.
“It's not that funny,” he said.
“So you admit it?”
“I didn't admit anything. Even if I did, it's not a laughing matter.”
Amy continued smiling for a few moments, and then sat down beside him. The tension between the two of them dissipated immediately. That was the joy of having a lifelong friend. Any argument they had wasn't worth losing their friendship over, so once the feelings had softened they were able to return to their usual dynamic.
“What's going on, Simon? Why has he gotten you so worked up?”
“It's not just him, okay, it's everything. I'm sick and tired of having to prove myself to people. It seems like everywhere I go I have to be the one to make the effort and fight for what I want. Other people have it easy. They can get the jobs they want and have opportunities for promotion. They can date and find all the love they want. It's never been that way for me. Sometimes it's felt like I'm outside the world looking in, and I don't know how to break through.”
“I think it's like that for everyone to some extent. I know it's true for me. But why are you just feeling like this now?”
“Because of yesterday. Because I had an amazing day with that man and... and...” he closed his eyes, summoning the courage to tell her what happened. He didn't know why he found it so difficult, not when she already knew so many things about him, like how he used to practice kissing with a pillow. “...and the end of the day didn't happen exactly as I told you. When we were in the water we were fooling around a little, just splashing each other, and then we almost kissed.”
“Almost?”
“Almost. We were so close. I thought it was definitely going to happen. I could feel his breath on mine, but then he pulled away and he left. I felt so embarrassed. You know love has never been easy for me, and I finally meet this guy who is everything I've ever wanted and he runs at the first sign of things getting serious. Story of my life I guess, but it doesn't exactly make me feel good. And when I don't get any validation from other men I look for it in my job. Maybe it was a mistake to speak to Lila, but I just want to feel like I'm doing something important with my life. For once I'd just like to feel like I matter.”
“You do matter, to me,” she said softly. Simon turned to look at her, eyes glistening with tears yet to be spilled.
“I know, but it's not the same. All he had to do was kiss me Amy, was that really so hard?”
She put her arm around him and pulled him into her breast, stroking him calmly. Simon closed his eyes, feeling oddly content in her arms.
“It's okay Simon. I don't know why he didn't kiss you back. Maybe he was afraid too.”
“Logan? Afraid? A man like him isn't afraid of anything,” Simon scoffed.
“I don't know, he has been away for a long time, God knows where. Maybe he was surprised at the instant attraction as well.”
“Maybe. I just wish these things were simple. Did you really mean what you said about being worried about me?”
“Of course I did. I want you to be the best version of you, and I don't think this is it.”
“You're right,” he sighed, “I guess I haven't been feeling myself. I felt pretty sketchy going to see Lila. She's in bad shape. The whole ordeal must have taken its toll on her. She's lost so much. I guess I just don't understand why Logan hasn't been to see her. You'd think after all these years he'd want to see his mom again.”
“There's only one way you're going to find out, and you're not going to find it moping on the sofa,” she said.
“No, but Logan told me he'd be in touch. All I can do is wait.”
“That's not true.”
Simon looked at her with surprise.
“What do you mean?”
Amy collected her thoughts for a moment, pressing her lips together before she spoke. “I think that a lot of the time you think that the world is spinning away from your grasp. That you can't get a boyfriend because people won't approach you, or you can't get far in your job because you aren't getting the opportunities, but that's not true for everything. You don't always have to wait for good things to come to you. Sometimes you have to go out and get them. I get why you want Logan to come to you, and why you want to respect his decision, but if you want something you have to go and get it. Show him that you're worthy of his attention. Take the initiative. Get that man, and get the truth. Get the story. Get all the things you want to get from him,” she said.
Simon felt his heart beat quickly. Was it all that easy? Logan seemed like the type of man that would take life into his own hands. Simon liked to see himself as a man standing on an island, waiting for Logan to stride through the sea to find him, but what if things were different? What if Simon had to be the one to go to Logan?
“I think I need some fresh air,” he said, standing up, extricating himself from Amy's comforting embrace. She offered to go with him, but he declined, saying that he needed some time by himself. He stepped out of his apartment and walked downstairs, digging his hands in his pockets as he kicked a stone along the sidewalk. It skittered along in a chaotic pattern until it rested in a bed of weeds.
While Simon strolled, he thought about the words his father had told him. About the man he wanted to be. Simon's head hung low, worried that he hadn't lived up to the ideal his father had wanted for him. Simon had always told himself that he would be better in the future, but the future came and went and nothing had changed. When he thought of Logan he realized that Amy was right. If he wanted love then he had to go and earn it. It wasn't enough to simply wait for it to come to him. If he thought himself worthy of Logan then he had to go and stake a claim himself, and if Logan rejected him then it would hurt like a bitch, but at least he had tried.
A triumphant feeling entered his heart as he walked toward Bob's house. He was going to tell Logan what he wanted, and then convince Logan to give him the story. Bob and Jackie might be angry, but Simon knew he was going to write it in a respectful way. It was time to get everything he wanted out of life.
He strode up the path and breathed in deeply, collecting himself, mustering the courage to see his actions through. For the first time it felt as though Simon was truly alive. Every fiber of his being bristled with excitement as he took his destiny into his own hands. He rapped on the screen door. It opened, but before he could get a word out Bob came at him and swung a fist into his face. Stars danced around Simon's eyes as he staggered back, holding his hands to his face. Bob ran up to him and leaped on him, sending Simon to the ground. Air was driven from his lungs as Simon crashed against the gravel path, t
he tremors of impact shaking his bones.
“You went to see my mom?! I told you to stay away from my family. You don't get to do this. You don't get to do this!” he yelled, spittle flying out of his mouth. He brought his fists up. Simon took one look at them and buried his head in his arms, curling up as much as he could to protect himself, bracing himself for a blow that never came.
“Get off him,” he heard Logan say. Looking up, Simon saw that Logan had dragged Bob away. Bob was still fuming. Jackie was standing in the doorway, looking worried when she looked at Bob and angry when she looked at Simon. Logan was inscrutable, and Simon was most afraid that he had upset the man of his dreams.
Logan stepped forward to place himself in between Simon and Bob. Bob pushed himself up, pacing back and forth.
“You had no right!” he kept shouting. Simon tried to block out the pain in his voice. Logan came up to him and offered a hand. Simon took it gratefully and returned to his feet. Logan turned to face Bob.
“We're going to go for a walk. I suggest you calm down,” he said, then moved away.
“You'd better come with me before he loses his temper again,” Logan added under his breath. Simon listened, and quickly spun on his heels to follow the powerful man, the hero.
Chapter Eleven
Simon's heart was in his throat as he walked along beside Logan. He'd made an utter fool of himself, and he was so worried that Logan was upset with him. They walked on in silence for a while, until they were far away from Bob's house.
“I'm sorry,” Simon said, eventually, feeling as though it was the right thing to say.
“What for?” Logan asked.
“I... I shouldn't have gone to see your mom,” he admitted. “But I didn't tell her about you. I didn't ask her anything that should have caused her distress. I only wanted some answers.”
“I told you I would give you some when I was ready,” Logan said tersely. Every word was deliberate and cold, as though he was carving them out of ice.
“No, you said that you might. That wasn't a guarantee,” Simon said. The courage he had summoned when approaching Bob's house was returning after scurrying away in response to Bob's attack. The onslaught had shaken Simon, and he found that he didn't have as much patience as usual.
“You should have had faith in me.”
“What was I supposed to do, simply wait and twiddle my thumbs until you came to me?”
Logan paused as some people passed by.
“There are some lines you don't cross,” he said simply. They took a few more steps forward, the sidewalk disappearing like a treadmill under their feet.
“I was just doing my job. Why haven't you been to see her, Logan? What are you afraid of?”
Logan glanced at a few other people who walked by.
“This isn't the place,” he growled, and didn't say anything else until they reached the Paradiso. The broken planks of wood were still lying outside the door. Logan stepped in.
“I'm not going back in there,” Simon said, folding his arms across his chest.
“If you want answers then you'll come with me,” Logan said, and promptly disappeared into the cinema. Simon raised his eyes to the sky and shook his head. He could have walked away then and left Logan to his own devices. He could have written the story like Billy had said, without all the answers. It wouldn't have been as good, but at least he'd get it done. If he walked away though he would be walking from the story and the man, and that was something he wasn't prepared to do yet. Simon wanted answers to his questions, and to know if what he experienced on the beach was real.
Logan waited for him on the stairs leading to the upper floor, forbidden to regular customers.
“Are we allowed up there?” Simon said, then felt silly. Who was going to complain? A red rope hung loosely by the stairs. Simon walked up behind Logan, trying not to stare at his firm ass.
“I was allowed up here a few times as a kid. Used to help run the projectors. It was one thing sitting in the audience watching a film, another to run it through the projector,” he said. The two of them went into a small booth. Logan bent down and rummaged through boxes of film canisters, tossing loads of them away before he finally cried out in success and slotted the film into the projector.
The image on the screen danced into life, and suddenly the cinema was alive again. Logan smiled widely. It was one of the most genuine smiles Simon had ever seen.
“You have no idea how long I've been waiting to see that,” he said, placing his hands on his hips. He nodded a little, and then the two of them moved down to the cinema itself. The larger than life figures on the screen dwarfed Simon and Logan, but Simon was unable to think of anything else other than the man he was with. Being alone with him again made it seem like the whole world melted away, as though they had nothing else to worry about.
Taking their seats, they leaned back and looked at the screen. Simon wasn't quite sure of the actors, but he didn't want to display his ignorance to Logan.
“You promised me answers,” Simon said. Logan took a few moments to answer, lost entirely in this other world depicted upon the screen.
“I used to wish my life was a movie. Whenever I came here I used to wish that cameras were on me all the time, that I could have some grand adventure filled with drama and love and loss, so that I could be like all my heroes on the screen. But life isn't like that Simon. I know that more than most. Maybe you know it too, I don't know. I feel like we're kindred souls in a way. I don't know why. I can't explain it. I've not been that good at connecting with people. But with you it's different. I feel like I can talk to you about anything, even the things that I lock deep away inside me.”
“Is that why you pulled away from me the other day? Because you were afraid?” Simon asked, shock that this man could be afraid. Simon had thought him fearless.
“Maybe...” Logan said, looking away in shame. “In truth I'm not sure why I pulled away. I wanted...I wanted something to happen. For a moment it felt like we were lost in our own little world, but then I was reminded that we weren't in our own world. We're always in this one.”
“Why does that matter?” Simon asked innocently. Logan smirked.
“It's the only thing that matters,” Logan said, still staring at the screen.
“Where have you been all this time Logan?”
“Here, there, and everywhere. Do you know that I haven't even told Bob the truth? I don't think he even cares really. All that matters to him is that I'm back. It's funny, even though he's an adult now with a wife and a home and a life of his own he's still the same as he was when he was a little kid. He always looked to me for safety, could never do anything without me. I feared for him the most. I was glad to find out that he made something of himself. He had a hell of a bad start in life, that's for sure.”
At this point Simon wasn't sure if Logan was actually talking to him or if he was just taking a trip down memory lane himself.
“Logan, tell me where you've been,” Simon said softly. He shifted in his chair, turning to face the man properly. Logan bowed his head and wrung his hands together.
“Far away.”
“What happened, Logan? What happened that day?”
“I was swept out. I tried to fight the current, but I wasn't strong enough. It was so fast, so quick, and everything was blue and foamy. I got turned around and lost track of the land. Lost track of everything. I thought I was going to die, then I washed up on some island somewhere. Didn't know who to call for help, or if anyone would help. I thought someone would be looking for me, but nobody came. The island was big enough for me to forage. There was some fruit. I taught myself how to hunt and build a fire. One by one the nights passed. Every one of them I stared up at the stars and prayed for someone to rescue me, until I realized that nobody was listening, and nobody was looking. Then I stopped praying.
“I thought I'd be on that island forever. I used to look out to the horizon and think about the home I lost, wondering how they were coping. So
metimes I thought about swimming back. I think I knew I'd die trying. It was a miracle I'd ever made it there in the first place. I kinda thought that if I died trying to live it would be better than dying for nothing on the island.
“I went crazy in my loneliness. There was nobody to talk to, aside from a few animals. I was always jealous of the birds. They could simply fly away. I was trapped. A prisoner.”
Simon let him talk. There were so many more questions he had, but Simon was afraid that if he interrupted the flow of Logan's words nothing would be able to bring them back. Quietly, a rapt audience, he listened, ignoring the loud noises coming from the cinema screens. Nothing could take his attention away from Logan.
“I tried to keep track of the years as they were going by, but there were days when I lost track. I remember once I fell violently ill and I thought I was going to die. I remember thinking it was the saddest thing, to die alone, then I realized that a lot of people probably thought I was dead already. They'd probably had a funeral for me with hymns and an empty coffin. I thought of Bob, and how he'd have to find his way without his big brother. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought of this place too. I thought about all the films I was never going to see, and all the things I was never going to be. I was part of the world; I existed, but I was alone. I didn't really matter. Nobody knew I was alive. For all intents and purposes I was nothing.
“There were many times I could have ended it. Sometimes I told myself that I wasn't going to eat, that if I died of starvation it wasn't really killing myself. Every time I got too hungry and I couldn't stand it anymore. Sometimes I thought I was a coward. I should have taken a stone to my veins and cut them. It would have ended the suffering. It's funny how the most insane thing can seem utterly sensible when your mind is twisted and you don't have anyone to tell you anything different. I got my wish though. My life was certainly like a movie. But the thing about a movie is that it's no use to anyone if it's not being watched. With no-one around life is meaningless, and I was just about ready to stop the suffering.”