by David Horne
“What did you do?” Simon said, the question rushing out of him in one breath.
“I didn't do anything. I was utterly hopeless, Simon. I was adrift and alone and I didn't see any hope for me. Then, out of nowhere, a boat came. When I first saw it I was filled with happiness. I thought that finally someone had come to rescue me, but then I grew afraid. I had been away from the world for so long I didn't know how to interact with humans anymore. I hid away and watched them. There were four of them, two men and two boys. One of the boys saw me first. I tried to tell him to be quiet, but he went to his father. The two men came over. I told them I'd been lost, but I didn't tell them who I was. They offered to take me back to the mainland. As much as I hated the island it was the only home I'd known for years. Leaving it was a dreadful thought, so I told them I'd think about it. I skulked around their camp, leaving them to their own devices even though they invited me to stay with them. I overheard them speaking with each other, being friendly and kind to one another, and I remembered what it was to be a part of a family.
I accepted their offer, and when they left I went with them and returned home.”
“And that was just a few days ago? I must say, it was quite a coincidence that you managed to make it home in time for Bob's wedding. I'm not usually one to believe in fate, but things like that are quite suspicious.”
“It wasn't a few days ago. It was a few years,” Logan said, running his hand across his jaw. “I've been home for years,” he choked.
Chapter Twelve
“Wait, what?” Simon asked, dumbfounded. “Why did you only come back on Sunday if you've been home all this time?”
“When I got back to the mainland I thought long and hard about returning, but I kept thinking about the life I had left behind. They'd all moved on. The world had moved on, and I had no place with them anymore. I set up in a little town on the coast, working in a local store. I did my work, and found a small cabin to live in. After all that time it was difficult for me to be back among people. I guess in a way I never really left that island. People tried to make friends with me, but I always turned them away. I kept to myself. Sometimes I pined to be back on the island, sometimes I pined to be back here, but I knew I couldn't.”
“What made you change your mind?”
“I saw the wedding announcement in the paper. I couldn't believe my eyes. Had so many years passed that my baby brother was getting married? I spent most of the money I had on a tuxedo and then turned up at the wedding. I was sitting outside for most of it, looking in, watching my brother be so happy. I could only think about all the memories I had missed, and it made me sad. I almost turned around, thinking it would be less painful if he kept thinking I was dead.”
“But you came in.”
Logan nodded. “I'm still not sure why. Maybe my heart seized control of my body for a few moments. Before I knew it I was walking in. When I saw him I was filled with regret and excitement. That look on his face made the moment worth it, but I knew that I should have returned long before then. Then, it all seemed to slip away as he put his arms around me and we hugged for the first time since we were children.”
Logan's voice trembled with emotion, and it only enraptured Simon more. He gazed upon the godlike man, seeing the human in him for the first time. Logan was not perfect. He was flawed, vulnerable, yet this only made him more attractive, more attainable. Suddenly Simon was filled with the notion that Logan was not some distant deity standing atop a hallowed mountain, but was just a man, a man who needed kindness and compassion.
“And you've only told me this?”
“I've only told you. I don't think Bob wants to know the truth. He's spent so long believing I was dead that, now I'm back, he doesn't need any more. The mere fact that I'm alive is reward enough for him. Jackie is a little more shrewd, but she hasn't pressed me either. The only other person I've told about this is you. You're the only one who knows the truth.”
“I... I'm honored,” Simon said, a little stunned.
“The truth can sometimes be a burden as well. I've been thinking a lot about your proposal. For so long I have lived a private life. When I returned I thought I would feel differently, but now I am not so sure. Having others pry into my life is not something I'm sure I want to welcome. I do not want to be a tourist attraction. But then again, I don't want to become like this building either. It once had so much life in it, but now it is only an old, worn out shell. Life has passed it by.”
“Life hasn't passed you by. There are still plenty of things for you to do. It hasn't been the easiest start, but that doesn't mean you don't have any hope. I feel the same way as you do, like there's a connection between us. I knew I felt something the other day, and it's something good. I've felt like you before as well. I know what it's like to feel alone, like the world doesn't care. I know I haven't been stuck on an island, but sometimes it sure as hell felt like it. I want you to know Logan, you don't have to be alone. Not anymore. I want to be your friend. I want to be...I want to be whatever you need me to be,” at this he placed his hand upon Logan's arm. It rested there for a moment, then Logan pulled away again, just as he had at the beach.
“I appreciate that Simon, but there's more you need to know before you get involved with me. Much more. I still don't know if I want you to write the article. Maybe it's better if I just tell you everything and you decide what to do with it when I'm done. But I need to tell someone the truth and I know Bob can't handle it. He's already suffered enough. If you use this, please use your discretion too.”
“Of course,” Simon said, and for a moment he wished he had his satchel with him. He should be recording this. As it was, he would have to go by memory. “I'm sorry for going to visit your mom. I didn't mean to cause any upheaval or anything. This story could be something that makes my career, and I wanted to make sure it's the best it can be.”
“I understand. Bob will too, in time.”
“So now how about you tell me why you didn't come back here straight away? Why did you hide?”
“For me to tell you that I have to tell you why I left in the first place,” he said. Simon was on the edge of his seat, eager to learn the truth.
“I was...different from other kids. I don't know if my father knew how to handle me. I wasn't into sports like the other boys. I don't think he knew how to connect with me. The only thing I really loved was the cinema, and while he brought me here, he didn't understand the sense of escapism it brought. It wasn't entirely his fault. I didn't understand myself at that age, so how was he supposed to? He tried his best, tried to make me see things the way they should be, but he had his own ideas of how people should behave. I think part of him thought I was just old for my age, coming to the movies to see the pretty girls in the skimpy skirts. When he found out that I was actually coming here to see Rock Hudson in his shorts as he walked out of the water he was...well, I don't really know what he thought. I know he was disappointed though. You can always tell someone's first reaction. The way their face falls a little bit, how their eyes turn to the floor.
“I didn't even know what gay was. I just knew that I liked men. I mentioned how good-looking Rock Hudson was without thinking about it. It was only when I saw how my father reacted that I felt like something was wrong with me. I tried to be different, but it wouldn't work. Mom and dad started fighting. I tried to pretend I didn't hear them, but they were loud. Dad was saying how I was broken, how he needed to fix me. He blamed my mom's genes; he blamed himself, like there was something wrong. He said he'd give anything if I was just a normal boy.
“That's when I started crying myself to sleep. He never outright told me that to my face, but things were different between us. There was always this tension, and he rarely let me be alone with Bob, as though I was contagious with some kind of disease. I was young enough to start knowing more about myself, but not old enough to properly talk about it. I was living with this secret shame. I heard mom and dad talk about it with each other, but neither of them
were talking about it with me.
“Then it all came to a head one day. I overheard dad telling mom that he was going to fix me once and for all, that he was going to take me out fishing and when we came back I'd be normal. By this time mom was coming around, saying that they should love me for who I was and that nothing needed changing. Dad wouldn't have it though. He was sure that if he just tried his hardest things would be different.
“I had a sense of dread that morning when he told me we were going fishing. I told him that I didn't want to go, that I'd rather go to the cinema, but he said that he wanted some father son time. I went to mom, hoping that she would say something, but she just patted me on the head and told me to go with dad. We went to the sea and took a boat out, after we got the bait and everything. Dad was acting like things were normal. He said we were going to have a good chat, just like fathers and sons were supposed to do.
“We drove the boat out to the middle of the sea, leaving the beach far behind. It was just the two of us. We sat there in silence for a long time before he started speaking. I had a sick feeling sitting in the pit of my stomach that whole time.
“Logan,” he said, “I've gotta talk to you about what you want in life. I know you have these feelings inside you, and maybe they're pretty powerful, but they're not natural. If you keep holding onto them they're going to cost you a lot. Sometimes a man has to give up what he wants for what's right. I want a good life for you. I want you to have a family, a good woman and a couple of kids. That's what gives life meaning. You should want that for yourself too. Now, I know it might be a struggle, but I believe you can change if you choose to. You can get out of this bad habit and start a new one. You're my son. You're strong. I love you, and I'm only saying this because I want the best for you.”
“I let him get that far before I turned around and let him have it. I told him that he didn't want the best for me, he just wanted someone he could be proud of. He was ashamed of me, and I told him I knew. I also told him that I wasn't going to change, that he was my father and he should love me for who I was. Then I told him that it was his fault anyway. That I'm his son, and that if there was anything wrong with me it meant that there was something wrong with him.
“For a moment I don't think he saw his son standing in front of him anymore. There was just some snot-nosed kid threatening his masculinity. In a fit of rage he backhanded me. I fell back, off the boat and into the sea. I heard him call out to me, but the current was already pulling me away. I tried to call out, but water filled my mouth. I was dragged under. I saw him looking down into the water, but he couldn't see me. He couldn't see me,” Logan said, and his entire body began to shake. He pressed his hand to his eyes to hide his tears, but they came down thick and fast, small droplets that rolled down his cheeks. His breaths heaved and his head shook. Seeing him so vulnerable only made him more attractive to Simon, and he was sure that he was in love.
“It's okay, Logan. God, I'm so sorry. I can't believe you had to go through that,” Simon said, but his mind was whirling. So Logan's dad hadn't murdered him at all, but he had been responsible. The secret must have weighed heavily on his soul and was the reason why Bob's family had torn itself apart.
“And it's all my fault. All of it. If I had just shut up and listened to him none of this would have happened. If I'd just been normal I would never have fallen off that boat. He'd still be alive, and mom wouldn't be like she is now. I can't see her again, Simon, not when it's all my fault,” his words were lost in the flood of sobs that followed. Simon was overwhelmed by a need to take care of this man. He moved closer to him, taking the shuddering body into his arms.
“It's not your fault Logan. It's not your fault at all,” he said, stroking Logan's shoulders and hair, making soothing sounds, trying to bring Logan back from the brink of despair. Logan groaned and trembled fretfully. Simon pressed his head down to Logan's wishing that he could bear some of the pain. All the years this guilt had infected Logan's mind, making him ashamed of what he was. Suddenly it all made sense. The way Logan had pulled away from him at the beach. Those were the actions of a man who doubted himself, who wanted to hide from the purest, most beautiful part of himself.
When he first saw Logan, Simon thought him to be as strong as Hercules, but if he wasn't strong in this instance then Simon was going to be strong for him.
“It's not your fault,” he repeated over and over, hoping that the message would get through. Seized by passion and desire, by a need to show this man how great he was, Simon gripped Logan's head in between his hands and pulled it up so he could look Logan directly in his eyes.
“You do not have to feel guilty about what's inside you. It was just an accident. Your dad never should have put that on you. The world has changed, Logan. You can be whoever you want to be. You've been through more than most people have in a lifetime. You've suffered, you've blamed yourself, but now you can be happy. This is the time when you can truly be alive. You're beautiful Logan. I saw that when I first saw you, and I saw it the other day. That moment in the sea, you were free. You were laughing, you were happy. Don't hide that part of you away,” he said passionately.
“I have to. I can't hurt anyone else.”
“You can, and you will. That's a part of life,” Simon said assertively, “but that doesn't make you a bad person. Your dad put his issues onto you, but that doesn't mean you have to hold onto them. My dad told me that I had to choose what type of man I was going to be. I've been struggling with that choice, but when I saw you I knew the kind of man I wanted to be. The kind that was worthy of you. I want to be with you Logan. I want to explore this attraction we have, and if you're unsure, then I'll be sure for both of us. I'll be strong enough for both of us. I'll make this work for both of us.”
Before Logan could respond, Simon planted a firm kiss on his lips.
Chapter Thirteen
Logan was silent. Simon searched his eyes, hoping that he hadn't made a misjudgment. For a moment, Simon was afraid that Logan was going to pull away again, but the tears stopped, and he took that as a good sign. Logan rolled his tongue over his lower lip, tasting the lingering kiss. Simon did the same. Logan tasted manly, bittersweet, with a hint of apple.
“So that's what it’s like,” Logan whispered, a smile flickering across his mouth.
“Wait, you've never...?”
“I was stuck on an island most of my life,” Logan said. Simon began to laugh, but he was suffocated by another kiss, this time more passionate and deeper. Simon felt the arm rest dig into him as he moved as close to Logan as possible, running his hands through Logan's thick golden hair, feeling the bristling beard scratching against his skin. Logan's long, strong arms seemed to be able to reach everywhere. He pulled Simon even closer, and the heat between them began to rise. Arousal swam in Simon's head as their tongues danced together and all thoughts of the story and everything else rushed out of his mind.
“God I need you,” Logan said, his hands falling down to Simon's groin, squeezing at the hard bulge that had swelled instantly at Logan's kiss.
“I need you too,” Simon said, sliding over, his hands roaming across Logan's broad body. He pulled away at Logan's tight top, which was peeled off his torso, then Simon fell to his knees, looking up at Logan with utter devotion. “I want to show you what you've been missing out on all this time,” Simon said.
In the dim cinema he ran his hands up and down Logan's inner thigh, feeling the rough denim under his skin. He reached up and deftly unclasped the smooth leather belt. The metal clasp made a satisfying clink as it came away. Simon slowly unzipped the jeans, then pulled them down, gazing in ardor at the stiff erection being illuminated by the old movie playing behind them. Simon wrapped his hand around it and felt Logan tense. Slowly he played, twisting it around before he even pulled away Logan's underwear. Simon wanted to tease him for as long as possible, but he was greedy himself and eager to see if Logan's cock measured up to the rest of him.
Simon's eyes went wide as
he revealed the thick erection, beautiful and tall as though it was carved out of marble, he was filled with desire. His wet, warm mouth opened and began to kiss it gingerly. Each kiss made Logan moan softly. Logan's strong hand came down around Simon's head, holding him down, until Simon's mouth was filled with Logan's steamy heat. Breathing in, Simon gulped down lungsful of Logan's sweaty, sexy musk. Thick hair sat at the base, and Simon was lost in a world of pleasure. His head moved up and down, coating Logan in thick saliva, his drool dripping down the smooth mushroom tip. Simon's heart had never beaten so fast, and he was achingly hard as well. His hand dropped down to play with himself.
“Oh my God,” he breathed. The hot air made Logan tense again. Simon struggled to keep the erection in his mouth.
“This is better than I ever dreamed,” Logan moaned. Simon gorged on him, letting his tongue twist around the rippling veins. The heat scorched the inside of his mouth, and all he wanted was to give Logan as much pleasure as possible.
But then, his head was yanked up and he was pushed onto the seat, while Logan fell to his knees.
“I want to show you how it feels,” Logan said, burying his head in Simon's groin. Simon's neck arched back and his entire body went rigid as his blood boiled. His hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly. Hot, rapid breaths burst out of his mouth. Looking down, he saw Logan's thick hair splayed out over his thighs. Simon almost couldn't believe what was happening. It was like some kind of dream, but the sensations were too intense for it to be a dream.