This Is Me

by Finn

  THIS

  IS

  ME

  Written by

  FINN

  THIS IS ME

  Have you ever felt that if you moved, the world wouldn't move with you? That if you took a step, everything you knew would change?

  Peter Stone, a seventeen-year-old boy, felt this every day. The weight of a decision—of a truth he was still trying to accept.

  Starting to fall in love with his best friend wasn't helping. His best friend being a guy... that could be a problem.

  Copyright © 2019 by Finnegan Tomlin – FINN

  First published in 2019

  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published.

  DISCLAIMER

  This book is a work of fiction. The characters, events, and places are all a part of their own world and have no correlation with real-life. The events of this book are all made-up, and in no way, intentionally, reflect my own or any other person's life.

  ISBN: 978-0-6486620-2-0

  First published by

  FORTIFIED

  WHERE TO BEGIN WITH THE DEDICATIONS

  To the monster under my bed. There is not a lot of room, so I assume you are only a child... I am not ready for that responsibility.

  If you have a mother, I implore that you go back to her. Or even a father.

  As much as I wish for you to grow up and be strong and fearsome, I am afraid I cannot offer the guidance you need.

  I don’t have the knowhow or even the tools to raise you. To care for you.

  I do, however, wish you the very best. I may not be able to raise you as my own, but I will always cherish you.

  Grow strong, little one.

  Table of Contents

  A Confession To Myself

  Game Plans

  A Distraction

  Falling All In

  Revelations

  Finding A Safe Zone

  Trying To Breathe

  Advice

  From Bad To Worse

  Slightly Terrified

  The Longest Afternoon

  A Small Push

  A Weighted Decision

  Miscommunication

  A Losing Game

  The Calm

  Holding On To Who I Am

  The New Normal

  Emotions

  Home

  Collision Course

  An Unexpected Confession

  Auditioning For The Role

  What I Need

  Peer Of The Year

  Fireworks

  This Is Us

  -One-

  A Confession To Myself

  A small, shaky breath slipped through my slightly parted lips as I stared, unblinking, at the flashing red light on the camera that was staring right back at me.

  “God, I thought this would be easier.” I sighed, hearing my voice crack and shake while doing my best to calm my racing heart.

  I had no idea why my heart was beating so fast in the first place, or why I was so nervous. I was alone in my room, and I wasn’t planning on showing the video I was making to anyone. At least, not for now.

  For now, the video was only for me. I needed to get something off my chest, and I needed to hear myself say it out loud. Something I hadn’t been able to do yet.

  “It’s just me and the camera. How hard can this be?” I asked myself, unsure as to why I was talking aloud.

  Maybe it was my brain’s way of trying to calm my nerves, or perhaps it was the unfamiliarity of recording myself. Either way, I was glad no one was home to hear me.

  It hadn’t been long since my parents had come and told me they were heading out to do some shopping. Telling me that they were going to be out for a few hours and that my brother would be going with them. They had asked if I’d wanted to go too, but I had declined. I would finally have the house to myself, which was the perfect time to make this video, something I had felt the urge to do for a very long time. It felt as though it was something I needed to do.

  “Alright. Let’s do this.”

  I sighed once more as the words left my mouth, and I closed my eyes, taking a few more moments to calm myself down.

  It wasn’t working.

  My right leg was jumping up and down on the spot, and I had placed my hands in my lap, having them grip each other tightly, trying to stop them from shaking uncontrollably.

  Maybe I did know why I was so nervous, but I didn’t see why I had to be. This video was just for me. It was to help me accept who I was. Why should that make me nervous?

  “My name is Peter Stone,” I started, though I was unsure why I stated my name. “God, that was stupid. This is stupid. I don’t even know what I’m doing. Or what to say. I guess… I’m scared.”

  Saying that I was scared was odd. I had never admitted that to myself before—at least about this—but it was the truth. I had been hiding something all my life. Hiding it from the outside world and even from myself. Trying to push it down and be the person everyone wanted me to be because I thought that was the right thing to do. I thought I was the wrong one.

  “This should be easy to say. This should be easy. Why isn’t it easy? I shouldn’t even have to say this. It’s so stupid.”

  I took another shaky breath as the hypnotising blinking of the red light on the camera continued to flash in my eyes. I was wrong when I thought that doing this would be more comfortable in front of a camera than in front of people.

  “I have no idea why I’m doing this. I should be happy and content with my life. With who I am. Hell, I have nothing to complain about. My family is well off, my parents are still happily married, and my brother, while a massive asshole, is still a good brother. But I’m not happy. Because I have to lie every day. To my family. My friends. And myself.

  I’ve been trying to wrap my head around who I am for a long time. Something told me making this video would help. Hearing myself say it. But I don’t know. I keep thinking I need to be what society wants me to be. And I’ve tried so hard to be that person, but I just… don’t think I can.”

  I trailed off as my words faltered. My heart continued to pound in my chest.

  An endless barrage of self-doubt was now bouncing around in my head, causing me to wonder if I was ready to say it aloud. If I was prepared to accept who I was.

  Doing my best to shake the thoughts away, I took another deep breath.

  “I want to be okay. Maybe this is the first step. So, for the lack of a grand speech. My name is Peter Stone, and I… I’m gay.”

  My heartbeat sped up as I said the words, and though I was sitting alone in my room, only in the company of my camera, it felt as though I was waiting for a response. Or maybe it was because it felt as though I should say something else, but I didn’t know what.

  I could feel the heat in my hands and the sweat that had formed in them, as well as the beads that had begun slowly rolling down my face.

  Not knowing how much longer I could sit in the ear-splitting silence that had descended on my room, I quickly stood up and turned my camera off, causing the flashing red light to falter instantly. Not waiting another moment, I hurriedly turned on my heel and slipped out of my bedroom.

  I took a deep breath, and I could already feel myself calming down as I stood in the top floor hallway that sat just outside of my bedroom. My bare feet sunk into the soft carpet that greeted them and my eyes swept across the adjacent wall. There before me hung a series of family pictures and baby photos. Pictures of a family that didn’t know my secret—A family I was terrified to tell.

  Deep down, I knew they wouldn’t
care, or at least it felt that way. Maybe I just hoped they wouldn’t. Hoped that it wouldn’t be a big deal to them. My mum had always been so loving and supporting to my brother and me, no matter what we wanted to do. She probably wouldn’t even think twice about me being gay. She’d even encouraged my brother to take up ballet when he was younger because all he’d wanted to do was dance.

  My father was no different from my mum. He’d convinced my brother to keep doing ballet because it made him happy seeing his son happy. I honestly doubt there was anything I could do that would disappoint my father. Much like my brother and mother, he wasn’t one to judge anyone harshly or look at them in a bad light until proven that he should.

  In all honesty, I probably had no reason to be scared to come out to them, and yet here I was. Shitting my pants at the thought of them knowing.

  Tearing my eyes away from the photos, that hung on the wall, I looked down the hallway. My eyes skipped past my brother and parent’s bedroom and landed on the spiral staircase that led to the rest of the house. Having the urge and need to get further away from the camera that held the freshly recorded video, I hurriedly walked toward the stairs.

  Passing more family photos and a series of colourful paintings, I came to the top of the stairs and started on my way down, skipping four steps at a time.

  Soon, I found myself at the bottom landing in another hallway, though the one I was now standing in was quite a bit wider than the one upstairs. At the other end of the hall was a large wooden door with a colourful window gracing its frame. In a short while, my family would be entering the house through that door and, hopefully, I would be in a better state of mind by then.

  The tile floor was cold beneath my feet as I made my way down the hallway toward the open archway that sat near the entrance of the house. I took in a few more of the family photos that were scattered down the hall. Some sat on the wall showing off my brother and me when we were younger, while others were placed on small wooden tables next to either open archway that sat opposite each other at the end of the hall.

  Sighing, I turned into the archway on my left, taking the turn somewhat wide as to not hit my hip on the wooden table that protruded just a touch too far. As I walked in, I took in the sight of my family’s large dining room while continuing to walk through it. A long, glass table sat in the centre of the room, decorated with a few candles and flowers, while a glass chandelier hung from the ceiling directly above it.

  As I said, my family lived quite comfortably. My father was a general practitioner at our local clinic, and my mother ran her own vineyard, which had become very popular. Surprisingly, my brother also contributed to the house. Instead of heading off to University or College, my brother had decided to continue on his dancing path, going on a few huge tours. I hated to admit it, but he was a talented dancer.

  As I was making my way through the dining room, toward another arched doorway to my left at the back end of the room, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket, and I reached down to grab it.

  “Peter, you sophisticated dumpling,” was the first thing I heard when I answered the phone, and I smiled at the sound of one of my best friend’s voice.

  “Andrew, you luxurious sausage,” I slowly responded, doing my best to replicate him, though probably not to the best of my ability.

  “What’s up, man?” Andy asked, though I could only just hear him as the sound of a harsh wind was following his voice through the receiver.

  “You’re not driving, are you?” I asked cautiously.

  “No!” He practically yelled back, obviously making sure that I could hear him. “My dad is, and he’s smoking, so he’s got the windows rolled down!”

  “Fair enough.” I let out a slight laugh and could feel my anxiety from making the video ebbing away as I listened to Andy.

  Before you think it—no. I didn’t like Andy that way. Sure, there was once a time when I did, but it was just a stupid crush, and it had passed. I wouldn’t deny that he was handsome, though. He was tall with tight, curly, black hair and sweet brown eyes. I wouldn’t say I had a type, but at one point, it felt like he was it.

  “So, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight?” Andy asked, still yelling, but just as the words had finished coming through my phone, the wind stopped coming through with it, and I assumed his dad must have put the windows back up.

  “Uh,” was all that seemed to come out of my mouth. Sure, I wanted to see Andy, it was always fun hanging out with him, along with my other friends, too. But the thought of the video circled in my mind, and I knew that was something I would have to deal with sooner rather than later.

  My overall plan—whether it was a good one or not, I didn’t know—was only to have one copy of the video and to carry it with me at all times. I wasn’t too sure about what the rest of the plan was, but at this moment, it didn’t seem essential to have a second step. All I knew was that if I had it with me, it would be safe. It may have been stupid, but I didn’t want to delete it, and I didn’t want to risk anyone seeing it.

  “Blaire and Leroy are gonna be there,” Andy continued, “they’re gonna sleepover and head to school tomorrow with me. There’ll be one more seat in the car if you’re interested.” I could practically hear a smile come through the phone with Andy’s words, and I mentally slapped myself.

  Blaire and Leroy were my other two best friends. Leroy was the tough guy you would see playing sports all the time, mainly football, but in reality, he was a total softy. Blaire, on the other hand, was a total nerd, but would not hesitate to knock someone on their ass if she had to. She, in short, was a bit of a badass.

  However, two years ago, I made the mistake of telling Andy and Leroy that I had a ‘thing’ for Blaire. It hadn’t been intentional, but I hadn’t known what else to say to them. Andy and Leroy had kept asking why I never dated anyone, and they had become very persistent with trying to get an answer out of me, and the lie kind of just slipped out of my mouth. It was something I regretted all the time.

  See, now, every time Blaire was involved in anything, Andy and Leroy never failed to mention her, and it was always with a slight hint of glee. I thought about telling them that I didn’t feel that what about her anymore, but if I did that, the onslaught of trying to find me a girl would begin, and, well, we all know how that would end.

  “Come on, Pete, it’ll be great!” Andy continued, trying to convince me to go, though I knew that I would have to decline. I couldn’t risk my family finding the video. Not now.

  “Sorry, Andy, I’ve got too much to do,” I replied. It wasn’t a lie, so I didn’t feel too bad about saying it. Though, at this point, a small lie wouldn’t be such a big deal, right?

  “Awe, you suck, Pete!” Andy laughed, and a small smile tugged at my lips.

  “Shut up, Andy!”

  “Alright, I gotta help my dad unload the car. I’ll see you at school tomorrow. See ya, Pete!” Andy called through the phone and hung up before I got the chance to respond. Not that I minded. I always found ending phone calls awkward.

  While I was on the phone, I had wandered into the kitchen, which boasted one of the most massive counters I had ever seen, and though I saw it every day, it never ceased to amaze me. The top of the bench gleamed like marble, but I knew it was fake. The countertops and stainless-steel appliances appeared spotless under the bright, white lights that hung from the ceiling.

  Moving around the large island, I slid open a door that sat beside the fridge, revealing a small pantry, which, to my dismay, was relatively bare.

  “Oh, yeah. Shopping,” I whispered to myself as I remembered why my family had gone out for the day.

  Silently cursing to myself, I wandered out through another open archway, bringing myself into the living room. Just like the other rooms in the house, it was quite large, but the dome-like window on the far-right wall let in a lot of natural light, which illuminated the whole room.

  A large white lounge sat slightly off centre in the middle of the room, accomp
anied by two recliner chairs of the same colour. My family honestly didn’t need so many places to sit, but I guess it was nice to have options. In front of the chairs was an average-sized, flat-screen television, which we rarely ever watched. Deciding I still needed some time away from the video I had made, I made myself comfortable on the lounge and turned on the television. I tried to find something to watch—which proved more difficult than I would have liked it to be. Though, soon, I settled on a random cooking show and found myself losing track of time.

  “Peter!” A voice rippled through the house and broke me out of my trance.

  To my surprise, the cooking show had become quite fascinating, what with Brenda suspected of cheating by stealing Greg’s cooking supplies. Who knew a show about competitive cooking could be so dramatic.

  “I hope you’re not masturbating!” A different voice made its way to my ears, and I scoffed slightly.

  My family had returned home.

  “Shit,” I mumbled to myself, panicking slightly as the realisation set in. “My family’s home.”

  “Bradly!” I heard my mum scold my brother as my dad let out a chuckle.

  Quickly getting up from the lounge and shutting the television off, I made my way out of the living room and into the kitchen, which my mum and brother had just entered.

  “Ew, in the living room?” Bradly raised his eyebrows at me before shooting me a quick wink.

  “Bradly!” My mum repeated, though I saw a hint of a smile on her lips.

  “Sorry, sorry,” Bradly threw his hands up in surrender before starting to unpack some of the groceries they had brought in.

  “Stop standing around like a flower and do something, Pete,” my dad said as he walked into the kitchen, flashing me a quick smile in the process.

  I nodded to no one in particular and began helping load the groceries away, all while listening to my family talk about their shopping trip.