by Finn
“Jesus, Pete, you should’ve seen how terrible your brother is at parking,” my dad started, teasingly pushing Bradly’s shoulder. “I doubt he’d be able to drive into a barn, even if he tried.”
“Oh, shut up!” Bradly laughed. “At least I didn’t ram the trolley into another human!”
“Something caught my eye, okay?” my dad defended himself before my mum chipped in.
“Better have not been another woman, Mr Stone.”
“Never in a million years,” my dad stated and swiftly gave my mum a quick kiss.
“PG, guys. PG,” I mumbled, and earned a chuckle from my mum.
“Oh, Pete. You should have seen the guy behind the counter we went to,” Bradly started, chuckling slightly to himself. “I have never seen anyone that gay in my life.”
My heart dropped at Bradly’s words, and it felt as though the world was spinning slightly. Sweat started to form on my hands, and I tried my best to keep my heart rate down. I knew that this wasn’t anything significant, but for some reason, whenever someone in my family mentioned the word gay, this was how I reacted. It was no wonder I hadn’t come out yet. If my second-hand anxiety was this bad for another gay person, I had no doubt that my first-hand anxiety would be much worse.
“He had so much flair, didn’t he?” My dad put his two cents in, waving his hand in what I assumed he thought was a ‘gay’ manner.
I cringed at the sight but did my best not to show it. It wasn’t like this was the first time a conversation like this had come up, so I was getting better at not showing my discomfort. All I had to do was wait for it to end.
“He seems like the type that would go home and lay in a bunch of flower petal, dreaming of Zac Efron and all the things he’d like to do—"
“Alright, new topic!” Mum quickly said, and I couldn’t be more thankful. I could practically feel the hot sweat seeping through my skin.
“I got some homework to do,” I said suddenly, trying to find an excuse to rush up to my room and deal with the video I had made as quickly as possible. “I forgot I had it,” I added promptly as both my parents looked at me with raised eyebrows.
“And here I thought we raised non-procrastinators,” my dad said, turning to my mum. “Yet, here we are.”
“Stop being dramatic.” Mum chuckled. She gave my dad another quick kiss before turning back to me. “Make sure to get it all done, honey. I’ll call you down for dinner.”
I gave a quick smile to my mum and dad and got one in return before heading out of the kitchen. Much to my dismay, Bradly was following right behind me.
“What kind of homework is it?” He asked as we reached the stairs. “Maybe I could help?”
“Thanks for the offer, but it’s nothing too major. I-I’ve got it.” I skipped the last couple of steps and almost ran into my room, catching a glimpse of a slightly confused Bradly before I closed the door. “Thanks again, Brad!” I quickly said before the door closed, and then flipped the lock.
As soon as I heard the lock mechanic click, I let out a long sigh and leant up against the door. I hated the fact that I had to lie, but I couldn’t leave this any longer. I needed to deal with the video.
After a deep breath, I spun around to face my room. It was quite spacious, but I put that down to the fact of how bare it was. The only things that occupied it was a desk tucked away in the far corner which held a few books and a laptop, and a king-sized bed positioned in the far corner of the room. The camera, its stand, and the chair that I had been in were sitting in the middle of the room were not its usual décor and were generally kept at my desk.
Having them out in the open definitely made the room feel a lot smaller. Though that could have been the anxiety.
Taking a glance at the door behind me, I made my way over to the camera, grabbing it and its stand before pushing the chair back over to the desk in the corner. I slipped the camera from the tripod and placed it on my desk, stashing its stand away.
It wasn’t something I wanted to do, but I knew I would have to watch the video that I’d made and tidy it up slightly. Shaking my head, I dug around in one of the desk’s drawers and pulled out a cable, plugging it into the camera and then into my laptop. It wasn’t long after that I had the video open in an editing program, and I hit play.
“Alright, this is super weird.” My voice slipped out of the speakers, and I turned the volume down even further, making sure no one in the house would hear. To my surprise, I didn’t hate my voice as much as I thought I would.
“This should be easy. This should be easy.” I listened to myself chant and cringed slightly. Why did I have to be so awkward?
“I don’t even know how to talk about this, Jesus. I’ve never really said this out loud, so I guess this is going to be a good place to start. Start accepting myself and all that crap.”
I watched myself on the screen as I spoke directly to the camera. I noticed my whole body was shaking and could see the slight fear in my eyes. I was only talking to a camera. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would be like if I had done this in front of someone.
The video continued to play, and I found myself not editing the video at all. Instead, I was sitting there and watching it. It was a weird feeling seeing myself in a video and seeing how anxious and scared I was. I knew there were points when I was recording the video where I’d felt like I was going to cry, and those moments were noticeable when re-watching it.
“I’ve been trying to wrap my head around who I am for a long time. Something told me making this video would help. Hearing myself say it. But I don’t know. I keep thinking I need to be what society wants me to be. Who society wants me to be. And I’ve tried so hard to be that person, but I just… don’t think I can.”
The words floated through my laptop’s speakers. The volume was soft, and it was hard for me to hear, but I was still able to catch it. I knew what was coming next, and I mentally prepared for it. It would be the first time I would hear myself say it. Recording the video was the first time I’d said it, but now, I was going to be hearing it. It had taken me a long time to get to this point. To accept myself for who I was. Even at this moment, it didn’t feel like I was there yet, but that’s what the video was for. Hopefully.
“My name is Peter Stone, and I… I’m gay.”
The final words floated out of my laptop’s speakers, and I quickly stopped the video. Nodding silently to myself, I decided that was where I would end the video. The rest of it was me freaking out anyway, which I didn’t need to relive.
“Well, that was fun,” I sarcastically mumbled before falling onto my bed and trying to calm my still anxiously beating heart.
-Two-
Game Plans
“So, I was like, ‘oh, don’t let me stop you. You need to do what makes you happy!’ And then she was all like, ‘but what makes me happy is Obama!’ And then I woke up in a cold sweat.”
Andy’s voice drifted into my ears as we stood just outside the school grounds. It hadn’t been long since I had arrived and met up with him, Blaire and Leroy. Andy had jumped at the opportunity to fill me in on a dream he’d had the previous night.
“We’ve had to listen to this all morning, Pete.” Blaire sighed, and I gave her a sympathetic look. “Sometimes, he’ll go quiet, and you’ll think it’s over, and the storm has passed, but then, seconds later, he starts up again.”
“Just because my dreams are unique, doesn’t mean you need to be jealous,” Andy defended and turned his nose up, making Blaire give him a light punch in the arm.
“Whatever you say, Andy.” Blaire let out a small laugh before turning to look at me. “You seem unusually quiet, Pete. You okay?”
At those words, it felt like I wanted to collapse on the ground, though I wasn’t too sure why. It was true that I had been unusually quiet since I had arrived. I had barely spoken a word, apart from the initial hello. Someone was bound to question it at some point.
My eyes scanned my group of friends, and I saw that all
of them were now looking at me. There was no concern or worry in their eyes, but why should there be? They didn’t know anything. The only thing I could see was the tiredness that we all shared.
“Yeah, I’m good. Sorry I couldn’t pick you guys up this morning. Kind of slept in,” I said truthfully. “Didn’t even get coffee.”
“You shouldn’t drink that crap anyway, Pete,” Leroy stated, taking a swig from some knock-off brand energy drink.
“Thank you for the insight, you extremely healthy human,” I retorted sarcastically. Leroy just rolled with it.
“Not a problem! ‘Tis what I’m here for.”
“Oh, shut up, Leroy. You get coffee with us every morning,” Andy interjected, shoving Leroy slightly, who chuckled.
“That’s a secret, Andy,” Leroy whispered, shoving Andy back, causing him to shake his head.
“Come on, losers, let’s go in,” Blaire interrupted before wrapping her arm around my shoulder and starting to steer me toward the school.
As she did so, I stole a glance at Andy, who gave me a sly smirk and a quick wink, and I had to refrain from rolling my eyes at him. Instead, I smiled sheepishly back.
If there was one thing I hated about my friend group, it was that I could never really be myself. Sure, there were some parts of who I was that I was happy to show, but there was a glaring personality trait that I kept, un-ironically, hidden in the closest.
The thing was, how things were now, is how I wanted them to stay. I was afraid that if I told them who I was, everything would change. Maybe it would be for the best, but there was a constant voice in the back of my head that kept telling me it would ruin everything.
As the four of us made our way into the school, we all greeted and were greeted by different people on the way. We did have other friends, of course.
“Hey, Peter!” A student called as I walked past him, and I gave him a soft smile and a small wave. I knew him as Trent, and not to make a judgement call, but I had a hunch that he was gay. Not that he had come out.
That was another reason I was sceptical about coming out, especially at school. You see, at my school, there were no gay kids. I mean, sure, there were probably some gay kids, but none of them were out yet. Which made coming out for me much harder. I would be seen as the only gay kid in the school, and that thought alone was daunting enough to keep me from saying anything.
“God, if he were any gayer, you’d see rainbows shooting out from his ass,” Andy mumbled, getting a few chuckles from Blaire and Leroy. I offered a small smile, though I felt my stomach do a flip.
Almost every day when we saw Trent, one of my friends would say something about him, and it always felt like a knife was being slowly shoved into my heart. Maybe they didn’t mean any harm by it, and perhaps they wouldn’t care if Trent were gay, or if I were gay. But never-the-less, it wasn’t a good feeling I got.
Occasionally, I felt as though Leroy saw me cringe at the words said about Trent, as he would glance at me with a weird look when Andy or Blaire said something. It seemed like a look of confusion.
Acting like it didn’t affect me, I shot him a quick smile—which always seemed to work. However, today, his faced dropped as he turned away.
“So, did you get everything done you need to get done last night, Pete?” Andy asked, bringing my attention back to him.
As he said the words, my mind raced, and the thought of the video that was saved on my computer at home spun to the forefront of it. So many parts of me were afraid that my family would find the video, even though I’d hid it well.
It’s not like I had many options when it came to keeping the video. It’s not like I would carry it around with me on a USB stick. I’m not an idiot.
“Uh, yeah, yeah. Got it all done!” I hurriedly said, shooting Andy a quick smile before changing the subject. “Are you all going to the game tonight?”
“Hell, yeah!” Blaire yelled, throwing her hands in the air.
“Alright, calm down.” Leroy chuckled. “I don’t understand why they’re having a Monday night game, though.”
“Because it got washed out on Friday, Roy,” Andy answered. Just as he did, the four of us entered the entrance of the school and found ourselves standing in a large hallway, surrounded by other students.
“Yeah, I know, but still,” Leroy mumbled, trying to find his argument. “Why not just wait until this Friday?”
“Because there’s another game this Friday. Jeez, Roy, keep up,” I chimed in, giving Leroy a slight nudge on the shoulder which warranted me a sharp glare from him.
“Whatever, it’s a stupid sport anyway.”
“Just because you suck at it, doesn’t mean it’s a stupid sport.” It was now Andy’s turn to tease Leroy and give him a slight nudge.
“You kick and throw a ball around and try to get it through some posts at the end of the field. It’s stupid.”
I glanced over at Leroy and gave him a confused look, though he didn’t acknowledge it. Leroy was usually one to be excited about the game. Hell, he was the only one in our group that played a sport.
“We’re all going, Pete,” Blaire stated, cutting Leroy off, who let out a scoff.
“I’ll drive?” I asked, already knowing what the answer was going to be.
In our friend group, I was the only one with a car. I usually drove everyone to school and back home afterward. I was the designated taxi.
“Of course!” Blaire winked.
“We couldn’t ask for a better driver—” Andy started but was cut off by Leroy.
“Shotgun!”
“Damn it, Leroy!” Andy yelled as he went to grab Leroy’s bag, but Leroy had already begun sprinting down the hallway, causing Andy to race after him.
“You good to drive?” Blaire asked, watching the other two boys dodge and duck through the crowd of students, causing quite a disturbance.
“Yeah, of course,” I responded as she looked back at me. “They’re going to get detention, aren’t they?”
“Probably, but that’s not our problem,” Blaire stated with a laugh.
“True. I could still really use a coffee,” I mumbled, pulling my phone out of my pocket and looking at the time. Blaire also looked down at my phone.
“You know… we could probably go and get coffee and be back in time for our first class.”
“You think?” I asked sceptically, stowing my phone back into my pocket.
“Eh, it’s a maybe. Shall we?” Blaire turned and extended her arm back to the door we had just walked through, and I let out a sigh.
“What about the other two?
“We’ll grab them something, too.” Blaire smiled at me, showing off a set of perfect teeth.
“You’re a bad influence, Miss Brodie.” I let out a laugh and shook my head at Blaire.
If it weren’t for the whole being gay, I probably would have asked Blaire out by now. She was stunning and had a similar sense of humour to mine. We had been friends since the first day of high school when we’d been placed together in homeroom. Ever since then, we had become quite close. Probably even more intimate than I was to Andy or Leroy—which made it even worse I was harbouring a secret from her.
Through the years of our friendship, there had been plenty of times when we were alone, and I wanted to tell her. Times when we were talking about life and things that were on our mind, and I just wanted to let it all out; to tell her everything. But I knew that if I did, it would change everything. If I told her, nothing would be the same, and I didn’t think I could handle that. I didn’t want anything to change. I didn’t want to lose anyone.
Yes, maybe I was overreacting and overthinking. Maybe nothing would change. Perhaps everything would be okay. But I didn’t want to take that chance.
“I can’t even remember what they drink. Leroy usually orders,” I said with a slight chuckle.
I should have known what they usually got since we had all been getting coffee together since I’d gotten my car, but I wasn’t the smart one in our
group
“They’ll drink whatever we get them!” Blaire said with a snicker before grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the exit. “Come on. We gotta leave now if we’re gonna make it back in time.”
I nodded in response and let myself be dragged back through the hall and out the door we had come in. Our feet hit the concrete stairs as we began to run down them before sprinting across the car park to where I had parked my car.
“Shotgun!” Blaire yelled, letting out a loud laugh as we reached the car.
“You don’t need to shout ‘shotgun’ when you’re the only passenger.” I laughed along with her as we both got in the car and put our belts on.
“True, but I never win that game.”
“Game?” I questioned, bringing my car to life and putting it in reverse. “Blaire, ‘shotgun’ is not a game. It’s the law of the land. It’s a very serious thing.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever it is, I never get to sit in the front.”
“You’ve just gotta be quicker.” I let out a chuckle as I pulled out of the parking spot and put my car in first. The one thing I wasn’t too fond of in my car was that it was a manual. I was still trying getting the hang of it.
“My fists are pretty quick,” Blaire shot back. I saw her give me a quick wink out of the corner of my eye, and I shook my head.
“Calm down, Chuck Norris.”
Blaire laughed again as she sat back in her seat, though I could still feel her eyes trained on me as I did my best to shift gears smoothly as I made my way through the car park.
“Shit, sorry,” I mumbled as the car jolted forward as I changed its gear.
“Jesus, Pete. Did you not get lessons?” Blaire questioned, rearranging herself in her seat.
“Shut up! My brother taught me!” I retorted, regaining some of my driving confidence and changing the gear a little more smoothly as I pulled out onto the main road.
“He must be a shit driver, Pete.” Blaire chuckled, and I joined her.
“Yeah, to be honest, he isn’t the best, but I can’t complain too much. I did get my license, so he can’t be that bad.”