by Finn
“True. My brothers wouldn’t even get in the car with me when I was learning.”
“You have, like, four brothers, don’t you?” I asked. Sometimes I found it hard to keep track of my friend's families, but I’m pretty sure they were the same with mine. At least, I hoped.
“Five,” Blaire corrected me. “Four older and one younger.”
“Oh yeah. It’s been ages since I’ve been to your house. But if memory serves correctly, they’re assholes.”
“It’s not too bad. Being the only girl sucks a little bit, but at the same time, I can get away with a lot of shit.”
“How so?” I found myself asking. I was never the best at small talk, but I also hated silences. I was pretty confident that Blaire had told me all of this before at some point, but I thought to have her repeat it would be better than facing a silence.
I feel that’s where a lot of my feelings lie—in silences. I always get an odd sensation when I’m faced with the absence of sound, especially when I’m with someone. It’s a gap in conversation that I feel needs to be filled with something. Anything. Usually, my mind thinks to fill the silence with coming out, so I always have to try and make sure there are other things to fill it with instead. Like a conversation I no doubt have already had with someone.
“I don’t even know, Pete,” Blaire responded, nudging my arm slightly as an indication telling me to turn into the small drive-through coffee shop just off the main road. Well, it wasn’t just a drive-through coffee shop, but it gave the option. In actuality, it was a twenty-four-hour coffee shop called ‘The Coffee House’, and it was a place our small group often found ourselves hanging out.
“It’s like, my parents won’t get mad at me if I do something wrong because it’s always one of my older brother’s fault.”
“That doesn’t sound fair.” I chuckled as I pulled in behind a car that was currently getting its order filled.
“Well, no. But I’m not complaining.” Blaire laughed and turned to look at me, just as I turned to look at her.
A silence fell in the car, and I could feel my heartbeat begin to quicken. A particular thought circled in my head as I looked into Blaire’s eyes, and a sinking feeling formed in the pit of my stomach. I could feel my hands start to shake, and my legs begin to jig on the spot. Just as I opened my mouth though, a car’s horn ripped me away from the reality I had found myself in, and I looked in front of me.
The car that had once sat there was now nowhere in sight, and I saw in my rear-view mirror that there was quite an angry driver sitting behind me. I quickly put my car in first again and rolled my car forward to put in our coffee order, silently thanking the driver behind us for honking his horn.
I could see Blaire shaking her head beside me while we waited for our order. It was only a matter of time before she cautioned me about drifting off in the driver’s seat.
Somehow, she managed to stay silent until our order was passed through the window.
“You need to pay more attention when driving, Peter,” Blaire scolded, grabbing the coffees from me that I’d paid for.
“Yeah, whatever. Just got lost in your eyes,” I jokingly said, but as the words left my mouth, I saw a hint of a blush on Blaire’s face, and I quickly moved my eyes back ahead of me and pulled out of the small coffee place.
Shit. Did Blaire blush? Or was I having some sort of stroke? I know that Andy and Leroy think that I like her, but they wouldn’t tell her that would they? If they did, it makes not telling her I’m gay much worse.
“So, uh, are you getting your own car?” I asked, trying to think of anything that would fill the silence on the way back to school. Something that would take my thoughts off the predicament that seemed to be unravelling.
“Eventually,” Blaire answered after a moment. “When one of my brothers gets a new one, I’m getting their old one.”
“Ah, nice.” My eyes remained trained on the road, as I didn’t want to look over at Blaire. It felt as though she was already looking at me and was expecting me to look at her, but I knew I couldn’t. I felt as though if I did, I would tell her everything. And I wasn’t ready for that.
Thankfully, it wasn’t long before we arrived back at school, and I was pulling into the carpark.
“Son of a bitch!” I yelled as I pulled up in front of where I had parked earlier and saw that there was another car there.
“Oh, no. It’s almost like your name wasn’t written on the spot! Oh, wait!” Blaire joked, and I shot her a glare.
“Hop out and take these three coffees,” I instructed, giving her all of the coffees but my own. “I’m gonna circle to try and find a spot. I’ll meet you inside.”
“Alrighty, Pete.” Blaire smiled and got out of the car with the three coffees. “See you inside!”
With that, she closed the door and started making her way up to the school, and I let out a breath of relief before I began making my way around the carpark, trying to find a vacant spot.
It didn’t take me long to find a spot, though it was almost at the furthest point away from the school's entrance. Cursing silently, I grabbed my coffee and jumped out of the car and started making my way across the car park toward the school, and it wasn’t long before I found myself walking through the doors.
“Mr Stone.” A cold, stern voice greeted me almost as soon as I set foot inside the school, and I looked up to my right to see the Vice Principal standing next to me.
It was not my ideal situation.
“Mr Ryans. How are you, sir?” I responded to him coolly.
“Wonderful. Would you please come with me?”
Silently wishing I hadn’t listened to Blaire and gone to get coffee, I followed Mr Ryans down the hall and up a set of stairs that sat at the end of it. On the way, I managed to catch a glimpse of Blaire, who was sitting in her homeroom class, though she didn’t see me as I walked past, still following Mr Ryans.
“After you, Mr Stone.” Mr Ryans gestured into a room to his right after he came to a stop and spun around to face me.
I silently nodded and slipped inside the room to my left and heard Mr Ryans close the door behind me. The room wasn’t huge, but it may have only seemed that way due to the large desk that sat in front of a giant window overlooking the school grounds. Lots of medals and certificates lined the walls of the room, along with the school banner.
My eyes drifted to my side, where Mr Ryans had walked by, and I watched him as he slid behind his desk and took a seat. He looked across his desk and up at me before gesturing to the chair opposite him that sat in front of me.
“Take a seat, Mr Stone.”
Again, I silently nodded and sunk into the seat, doing all I could to not look at the Vice Principal. My coffee, still warm in my hand, started to burn it slightly, but I didn’t know what else to do with it.
“Enjoying your morning?” Mr Ryans asked with raised eyebrows, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.
“Uh, it’s not too bad, sir,” I responded, not too sure on what to say. Considering the circumstances, I didn’t want to seem too happy.
“Do you know why we have homeroom, Mr Stone?” the Vice Principle asked, and I could feel his eyes searing to my head as I continued to look aimlessly around his office, trying to focus on anything but him.
At first, it was the pictures of his family that were spread out across his office, and then it was the large box of confiscated goods that sat tucked away in the corner.
“To maintain order?” I asked, not sure about what the correct answer was, or even if there was one.
“In a way,” Mr Ryans responded. “It’s to ensure the safety of the students. So, you wandering in late makes you unaccounted for. Meaning, if something were to happen to you…” he trailed off, leaving me to fill in the blank, though I didn’t.
“I know. I understand,” I said instead, finally forcing myself to look at Mr Ryans across the desk.
“You’re not in trouble today, Mr Stone, as it is only a first offence. But d
on’t make it a regular thing.”
I nodded in response, shifting the hot coffee around in my hands, trying to stop it from burning my skin.
“Did you know that we have a school counsellor?” Mr Ryans suddenly asked, looking at me thoughtfully.
“Uh, yes,” I responded slowly, a little taken aback.
“Students usually do things like this when something is bothering them, Mr Stone. Maybe a visit to Mrs Riggs will do you good.”
“Oh, I’m, uh, glad that you care,” I started, slightly lost for words. “But I’m really okay. It was just a spur of the moment thing.”
It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t the truth either, but there was a middle ground somewhere where what I said fit. Something was going on with me, but I doubted it would cause me to act out in any way. And even if it were making me act out, there would be no way in hell I would go and talk to a school counsellor about it.
“Just know the option is always there,” Mr Ryans stated before standing up. “First period should be starting any minute now. You should head there. I’ll let your homeroom teacher know that you arrived.”
“Yes, sir. It won’t happen again,” I quickly said before getting up from my chair and rushing out of his office, taking a deep breath as I stepped into the hallway.
“Fuck me,” I mumbled under my breath as I started walking down the hallway to my first period.
The thought of seeing the councillor was playing on my mind as I walked back down the stairs I had come up earlier. The idea itself was horrifying, and the consequences of following through with it also scared the shit out of me. But maybe there was something to gain from it.
Thinking about it logically, telling someone may make telling other people simpler. But Mrs Riggs? The school counsellor? I had never actually seen the woman in my life, let alone talked to her. I felt if I were going to tell anyone, it’d be someone I knew and trusted. That was if I was going to tell anyone.
“God, I wish this was easier,” I whispered to myself as I came to a stop outside a vacant classroom, waiting for the bell to ring.
My mind began to wander while I waited, and the thought of the video I’d made started to circle in my head.
Knowing that the video existed was horrifying in itself, and there was a slight doubt in my mind that I shouldn’t have made it, but in a way, it had helped me. Even though I’d known that I was gay since I was twelve, I had always had trouble accepting it. I still was having trouble. Maybe it was fear, or perhaps it was because I didn’t want to be different.
All my life, I just wanted to fit in, and as things were now, I did.
Coming out as gay would change that. Accepting that I was gay would change that. But having the video and having said it out loud for the first time—that was a step. A massive one for me. The next one would be actually to say it to someone. Which was what I was scared of.
A bell rippled through the school, the sound of students heading toward their first classes filled my ears, and I silently sighed to myself.
“Why can’t this be easier?”
-Three-
A Distraction
You would think it would be easy to get ready for a school’s football game. Put some long pants on, a shirt, and grab a coat, just in case it got cold. But apparently, when you put four teenagers in the same room to get ready, things don’t go as planned.
“Just grab any jacket!” Blaire yelled at Andy, who was still struggling to decide what to wear. “Literally, any jacket will do!”
“I have to pick the right one, Blaire!” He bellowed back, and Leroy and I just looked at each other with raised eyebrows.
Blaire, Leroy, and I had all agreed to get ready at our own houses and then meet up at Andy’s home and pick him up. That plan involved Andy already being fully dressed. Which, for some reason, he wasn’t.
“How about the blue one?” Blaire tried to help, but Andy just sneered at her.
“That looks too much like Peter’s jacket!”
“This is painful to watch,” I mumbled to Leroy who hummed in agreement.
“Andy, if you don’t hurry up, we’re gonna be late and get shit seats,” Blaire stated, jumping up from Andy’s bed and pushing Andy out of the way before sifting through his clothes.
Andy’s room wasn’t massive, but it fit the four of us inside of it comfortably. Leroy and I were sitting on the floor, leaning up against the bedroom door. We had been doing our best to stay as far away from the clothes Andy had been throwing across the room. However, on the odd occasion, a shirt or pair of pants would still find its way over to where we were sitting and land on top of one of us.
Andy now sat on his bed, watching Blaire wade through his clothes, which, at one point, had sat neatly in the closet. Now, however, most of his clothes lay sprawled on the ground, and I was glad it wasn’t my mess to clean up.
“Alright, here. Put this on and shut up!” Blaire tore a faded red jumper from the closet and threw it at Andy who only just caught it before it hit him in the face.
“But, Blaire!” he whined but went quiet as Blaire glared at him.
“Put the fucking jumper on, Andy,’ she warned.
“Yes, ma’am,” Andy mumbled and slipped it over his head.
“Are we ready to go?” I asked, pushing myself up from the floor before helping Leroy to his feet.
“God, yes. I can’t stand the smell of this room,” Leroy joked, stretching his legs once he got to his feet.
“Fuck off, Roy,” Andy shot him a playful glare, and Blaire and I looked at each other and shook our heads.
“Alright, then, the taxi is leaving now,” I announced as I opened Andy’s bedroom door. “If you don’t follow, I will leave without you.”
“Let’s do this!” Blaire yelled, and she walked past me with a small smile, which I cautiously returned.
“We’re going to lose anyway,” Andy mumbled, following Blaire out of the room.
“Love the optimism, Andy. Really lifts one’s spirits,” Leroy said, stopping just short of the door to look at me. “Jewish people, am I right?”
“I don’t think… yeah, sure,” I let out a chuckle and shook my head again, before following Leroy out of the room and through the house.
“Come on, taxi!” Andy yelled as both Leroy, and I exited the house after saying a quick goodbye to Andy’s dad, Mark.
“I’m coming!” I yelled back before seeing that Andy was standing in front of the front passenger seat door. “Uh-uh-uh, Andy! Leroy called shotgun!”
“That didn’t count!” Andy called back, and I heard Leroy laugh beside me.
“Of course, it counted! You’re in the back with Blaire!” I retorted with a laugh, turning to give Leroy a wink.
“Fuck you, Peter!”
“Just get in the car,” I instructed as I reached the driver side door and unlocked it.
“This sucks.” Andy pouted as he slipped in the back seat with Blaire.
“Wow, thanks, Andy.” Blaire glared at Andy who shrunk in his seat slightly.
“No hard feelings?” Andy muttered. I saw him put a childish smile on his face in my rear-view mirror, and I let out a chuckle as I brought my car to life.
“I’m gonna feed you to a pack of wild dolphins,” Blaire stated, and I stole another glance in the mirror to see her return the same smile Andy had given her.
“Seems harsh, but you know what? I probably deserve it,” Andy responded just as I pulled out onto the road and put my car into first.
“You do,” Leroy and I said at the same time, and we both laughed as I started driving toward the school.
The rest of the car trip was filled with idle chatter and the occasional teasing of Andy, but that was because he had brought it upon himself. After around twenty minutes, we arrived at the school's carpark, and I soon found a vacant spot and pulled into it, killing my car's engine.
“Ugh, I hate this sport,” Leroy moaned. I turned to look at him and saw that he was already looking at me.
“You just don’t like it because you didn’t make the team!” Andy stated with a laugh before jumping out of the car. “Holy fuck, it's cold!”
“Aren’t you glad you got a jumper, Andy?” Blaire said with a chuckle and followed suit, getting out of the car, leaving Leroy and me alone.
“I didn’t know you tried out for the team,” I said, a little surprised. I knew that Leroy liked to play soccer and used to enjoy watching football, but he’d never said anything about enjoying playing it or that he was trying out for the team.
“Yeah, well doesn’t matter now anyway,” he replied with a small, half-hearted smile before getting out of the car.
“It would have been cool,” I mumbled to myself before finally following my friends out of the car.
It would have been cool if Leroy had made the team. I had always wanted to be friends with someone who played on the football team, mainly because I was a massive fan of the sport. I didn’t get loud at the games and scream at the players, but I couldn’t deny that I enjoyed it—a lot. Though I only really enjoyed the school matches, and I continually tried to tell myself it wasn’t because of the fit, attractive players on the field.
“Come on, taxi man, let’s go!” Andy called to me, and I looked up, seeing that him, Blaire, and Leroy had all started making their way around to the side of the school toward the field.
“Oh, good. Thanks for waiting up!” I called after them before mumbling under my breath. “Assholes.”
After doing a slight jog, I quickly caught up to them, and we all walked to the field together, making small talk and greeting other students along the way.
“Hey, Pete, how’s the Blaire thing going?” Leroy whispered to me as we reached the field.
Blaire and Andy had wandered slightly ahead of us, as Leroy and I had slowed our pace. I wasn’t too sure why we’d slowed down, but I think Leroy may have somehow tricked me into doing it so he could speak to me alone.
“What do you mean?” I asked, playing dumb. If there was one thing I had become good at, it was playing dumb. It was something that I had to do to avoid questions like the one Leroy had just asked.