by Finn
“How long have you known?” Blaire asked when she finally did pull away from me.
I opened my eyes and looked up at Blaire, who was smiling down at me. Turning my head sideways, I felt a wet patch on my pillow from my tears and smiled.
It felt like the weight of the world was lifting off my shoulders as I let it all out.
“Since I was about twelve,” I replied, doing my best not to choke up, though I was struggling to do so.
“I had no idea, Pete, and I’m sorry if I ever made it hard for you.”
Blaire pulled me into another hug and dug her face into my neck. As she did so, I felt another wave of relief ripple through my body. Everything that I was afraid of and all of the thoughts in my head that had kept me from telling anyone seemed to vanish for a few moments as I took in all of Blaire. Her warmth, her scent, and the feeling of security she gave me.
“Can I ask, why now?” Blaire asked, not moving from the position she was in, causing her voice to become muffled.
I took a deep, shaky breath before I spoke. My voice cracked as I did.
“Alcohol. My head hurts. I don’t know. I’m just tired. Tired of not being myself. Tired of hiding. I don’t want it to be like that anymore. It’s like I can’t breathe. Like my head’s stuck underwater, and I just can’t find the surface. Until now.”
“Peter…” Blaire hummed as I took a pause and drew in another shaky breath.
“It’s okay, Blaire. Thank you for being here,” was all I could say as we both lay in silence within each other’s embrace.
Seconds turned into minutes, and I knew that I would have to try and get out of bed and start cleaning the house. At least, I thought I had to clean the house. Carefully, I pushed Blaire, and she lifted herself off me, and I opened my eyes to look at her smiling down at me.
“I’m proud of you, Pete,” Blaire stated, wiping her eyes. “This doesn’t change anything. Okay? I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I murmured as Blaire’s words washed over me.
That was all I wanted. I wanted nothing to change. All the years that I had kept who I was to myself was in the fear that everything would change. In the fear I would lose the people I cared about the most, and I would have to rebuild myself and who I was. Blaire may not have known the weight that her words had held, but hearing them meant more to me than I could have ever explained.
“You still look like crap though,” Blaire said with a laugh. “Alcohol doesn’t suit you.”
“Thanks. Just what I needed to hear.”
“You should get some more sleep.”
“I do feel like I need more sleep. A light coma might be helpful.”
“Do you want some more water?” Blaire asked, and I nodded gently, not wanting my head to explode.
With another smile, Blaire pushed herself off my bed and walked to the door, only to be stopped by my bedroom door opening and my brother walking in.
“Good afternoon, children!” he shouted, smiling when I groaned and dug my head into my pillow. “Jesus, Dipstick, you look like shit.”
“I was going to thank you for the party, but now I’m just going to call you a slut. You slut.”
“So, I’m guessing you enjoyed the party?” Brad asked, and I heard Blaire snort.
“Not to give you the satisfaction, but you did a moderate job,” she said before I heard her footsteps moving out of my room.
I pulled my head out of my pillows and rolled to look at Brad who was standing in the middle of my room, staring at me with a look I’d never seen on him before.
“I’m gonna take that as a yes,” he said, quickly replacing the look with a smile and taking a step closer to me.
“Some of the games were a hit and miss,” I replied, trying my best to keep my eyes open.
“Well, some of my friends helped with those. They’re all idiots. Though, I did agree with them,” Brad pondered, and I rolled my eyes, causing blinding pain to ripple through my head, and I groaned.
“Are you good?” Brad asked, taking another step forward. “Apart from the whole looking like death thing. What I mean is, are you okay?”
“I gathered that from the first time you said it. You didn’t have to reiterate. I’m fine.”
After telling Blaire who I was, I didn’t feel as bad about lying to Brad. Although it didn’t feel like I was lying. I was fine. Since Brad was sidelining the hangover part of how I was feeling, I decided to as well, and ignoring that, I was feeling fine. I would finally be able to be myself with someone. Yes, it would only be with one person, but it was a start.
Though I had no idea why Brad was so interested in how I was feeling. It felt weird. God, this my punishment for being supportive of his dancing.
“Well, if you wanna talk or anything… I’m here,” Brad said with an awkward smile. “Not all the time. And don’t be too whiny. Or I’ll hit you. But yeah.”
“Gee, thanks, Brad.”
With another grin, Brad turned on his heel and walked out of my room, just as Blaire walked in.
“Okay, why did Brad look like he had a caring face?” she asked as she walked to my bed.
“Yeah, I have no idea what that was about,” I said, straining to sit up and trying to ignore the throbbing in my head and the uneasiness in my stomach.
“Here.” Blaire handed me a glass of water, and I nodded in thanks.
“I’m sorry. For lying,” I muttered, taking a small sip of water as I watched Blaire sit down beside me.
For a moment, we both sat in silence, and I took the moment of silence to close my eyes and try to regain order in my body.
“I wouldn’t call what you did ‘lying’,” Blaire said after a few minutes, and I felt her move around next to me. I tilted my head and looked over at her to see that she was already looking at me. Her arm was propped up, and she was resting her head on her hand.
“What would you call it?” I questioned.
“Not telling the truth,” Blaire said after a moment with a smile on her face.
“I think that’s classed as lying.” I let out another chuckle as I watched Blaire shake her head.
“No, no, no. You just didn’t tell anyone. If you don’t talk about it, you can’t lie about it.”
“I… kinda said some stuff though,” I spoke slowly, but continued quickly, before Blaire could interject. “I don’t know if Andy or Leroy told you, but a while ago, to get them off my back about dating, I may have told them that I had a thing for you.”
Immediately after the words had come out of my mouth, Blaire burst out laughing.
“You know, I did hear something like that in the rumour mill. Not directly from those two, but there was definitely something circulating.”
“Those assholes told other people!” I harshly whispered, and Blaire had to contain her laughter again. “I lied about that to them in confidence!”
“Well, it worked a charm!” Blaire said with a much softer laugh as she swung her legs behind me to lay on my bed and shoved her face into one of my pillows.
“I hope I never…” I trailed off, laying back down beside Blaire to ease my stomach, and after a few seconds, Blaire shook her head.
“Oh, no! Pete, I never… I mean, I love you and all, but not like that!”
“Oh, okay. Good. I just thought that if you had heard and thought that—"
“No need to worry,” Blaire cut me off with snicker. “You’re like my brother. Plus, there’s this guy a year below us who is super-hot, and I may have my eye on him.”
“That’s good?” I was unsure of what to say.
I was glad that Blaire hadn’t thought I had romantic feelings for her, as I’m sure that would have made things awkward between our friend group and us. However, at the mention of her ‘having her eye on’ a guy, made my stomach drop slightly. I wasn’t exactly sure why, but I could take a few guesses.
My first would be because I also had my eye on a guy, as much as I wished I didn’t. It wasn’t healthy for my friends, or me,
because it could make things uncomfortable for everyone.
My second guess was, to put it simply, I had no idea how to talk about these kinds of things with anyone. Yes, I had talked about girls that I ‘liked’, but this was different. Mainly because I wouldn’t be lying. I was still accepting myself for who I was, and in the situation, I was in, I didn’t have anyone to talk about guys too.
“Okay, we’re not there yet, good to know!” Blaire chuckled again, and I looked up at the ceiling.
“It’s just… I don’t know how to talk about guys, you know? Or any of that stuff.”
“Well, that’s fair. I guess you’ve never really had the chance.”
I turned away from the ceiling and looked back at Blaire, seeing that she was now staring at the ceiling. It was a weird sensation laying with someone who knew who I was. It was pleasant, but it was also a little terrifying. I wanted to know what she was thinking and how she was feeling. Blaire had said that me being gay wouldn’t change anything, but I couldn’t stop the intrusive thoughts from telling me otherwise.
“This is something we can work on,” Blaire spoke again, and she sat up on the bed and faced me. “It’s easy. First, I want you to imagine someone that you find attractive.”
Almost immediately, an image of Leroy flashed through my mind. I pictured his smile and his eyes. I could see him laughing and pushing his hair back. I felt my heart drop when I thought of him and my stomach twist, and Blaire must have noticed something, too.
“You’re smiling!” she exclaimed excitedly, and I quickly wiped the smile from my face.
“No, I’m not!” I quietly defended, even though it was futile.
“Obviously, someone has piqued your interest.” Blaire shot me a smile and a wink, and I could feel my face start to burn up.
“Shut up,” I mumbled, not being able to think of anything witty to say. Blaire smiled even brighter.
“Okay, okay. We’ll get to that in a sec. Now, I want you to say something you like about him.”
“I-I don’t know,” I stuttered.
Naming one thing that I liked about Leroy was easy. Hell, I could list about a million of them even if I wished I couldn’t because developing a crush on my best friend was never going to end well. But at this moment, that wasn’t my main concern. It was the fact that after I say some things that I like about Leroy, Blaire may realise who I’m talking about, which would make things much, much worse.
“Oh, come on! Surely, if you like this guy, you can think of one thing!” Blaire pressed, and I could feel my face burning even more as I decided to bite the bullet.
“I like his smile.”
“Alright, good start, good start. Anything else? Like his arms, or his legs, or his butt—”
“Blaire!”
“What?”
I could feel my face getting redder and redder with every passing second. I didn’t want to think about those things, especially if it was Leroy we were talking about. I mean, yes, I noticed them, but it wasn’t something I wanted to train my mind on. The truth was, those features, while good, were overshadowed by his personality and his humour. His smile and his laugh. I really needed to stop thinking about him.
“I just… his smile,” I repeated, doing my best to move the conversation away from other physical features of Leroy.
“Fine. His smile.” Blaire pouted, before quickly smiling again. “Okay, why do you like his smile?”
“I don’t know,” I whined. This was definitely not something I was used to doing. “It’s bright. And his whole face glows. And it makes me smile. I don’t know.”
Blaire cooed as I turned away from her to hide how much I was blushing. I wanted to turn back and glare at her, but I knew it wouldn’t have the effect that I wanted it to.
“That was very gay.” Blaire let out a laugh, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Wait, can I say that? Is that okay?”
“It’s fine, Blaire.” I chuckled, looking back over at Blaire and I saw that she was panicking a little. “Seriously, it’s fine. Don’t start doing this.”
“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. It was gay. Super gay.”
“Okay, let’s not alert the whole neighbourhood,” I snickered and readjusted myself on my bed.
“Don’t be dramatic. Does this boy have a name?” Blaire asked.
“No. Funnily enough, people refer to him by the colour of the shirt he is wearing.”
“Hilarious. Does the sass come with being gay, or is it the other way around?”
“I think it just shines through when someone says something stupid.” I gave Blaire a slight nudge with my foot, and she stuck her tongue out at me, before pressing for the name again.
“Is it a good name? Is it sexy?”
“Sexy? How can a name be sexy?”
“I… honestly, I don’t know.” Blaire shrugged. “But come on, what’s his name?” Blaire pressed, and I turned away from her.
“I don’t know, Blaire.” It felt as if there was a war going on in my head whether I should tell Blaire the boy I had my eye on was Leroy, or if I should keep it to myself.
On the one hand, telling Blaire about it would be even more weight off my shoulders, as I would finally have it off my chest and could openly talk about my feelings with someone. Some would say that would be therapeutic. Talking about all of this had helped with the pain in my head, maybe that was a sign.
On the other hand, it could cause problems, and right now, that was what my mind was focusing on.
“Is it someone I know?” Blaire asked, and I had a feeling I was making it way too easy for her.
“No. Yes. I changed my mind. We can talk about butts.”
“No, no, no. My interest is fucking soaring. Oh, God,” Blaire almost cut herself off and looked at me with a dropped jaw, causing my heart to race. “It’s not Andy, is it?”
“No…” I let out a sigh of relief, though I knew that my relief wouldn’t last. I knew that there was no way out of this conversation, just as there wasn’t when I came out just before to Blaire. It was better just to rip the band-aid off.
“It’s Leroy.”
-Eight-
Advice
The silence that followed what I said wasn’t piercing or too uncomfortable, but it did feel as though I was being strangled. Either that, or I had suddenly become allergic to oxygen. Which, in the situation I had found myself in, I wouldn’t oppose that.
“Are you for real?” Blaire asked, her mouth still gaping, making the silence start to become awkward.
“Yes. No. Maybe?” Of course, I was ‘for real’, but in the conversation I was having, it felt as though I had become unsure.
“We are talking about Leroy Addins, yes? The guy we get coffee with every morning, and that is practically attached to Andy’s hip?”
“That seems correct,” I replied slowly, feeling my face burn up, yet again.
“Oh, my God. How long?” Blaire managed to close her mouth, though her eyes were still screaming as if they had just uncovered a gold mine.
“Uh, Monday, actually,” I said shyly, realising how stupid I sounded.
“This Monday? Like, the one we just had?”
“That would be the one.”
“Oh…” Blaire turned away from me, and I held my breath. I wasn’t sure what to expect but could only hope she didn’t freak out.
“It’s just a stupid crush, you know? Like, I’ve never looked at him like this before, so it’s just a passing thing. A phase!” I knew that I was starting to ramble and knew that I would continue to do so if Blaire didn’t say something else. I felt as though the silence would only make things worse, and the thought that talking wouldn’t did not cross my mind.
Luckily, Blaire interrupted me.
“I mean, he’s not the ideal person for you to have a crush on… given that—"
“He’s straight? I know.”
“That, and he’s your best friend. And doesn’t know you’re gay. And I’m sure there are other reasons, too.”
/>
“Thank you for making me feel better, Blaire,” I snarled sarcastically, and Blaire looked apologetically at me.
“Sorry… I guess it’s a good thing we didn’t talk about his butt then, am I right?”
After deflecting a few more questions from Blaire, she eventually fell asleep, snoring loudly, and I knew I wouldn’t be far behind her. The room was spinning, and memories of the night before were slipping from my mind.
Taking one last look at Blaire, I smiled to myself before closing my eyes to join her in sleep.
*
“Your hair is fine. Your clothes are fine. And you smell like a rainbow. Can we go now?” Blaire sat, spinning on my computer chair, whining at me from across the room as I fiddled with my shirt, looking at myself in the mirror.
Something didn’t feel right.
“No, I’m missing something!” I looked at Blaire through the mirror and raised my eyebrows at her childishness.
“It’s a school football game. There are literally going to be people there in pyjamas.”
“But it’s a Saturday football game. It’s the one game a month that isn’t after school, so, everyone will be fresh and not look like hell,” I explained, nodding along with my words. “Plus, you know how Andy is with his fashion. Something is missing and if he notices it…”
“He’ll what? Not tell you that you look fabulous?” Blaire chuckled at her own words, and I turned to face her. “Besides, isn’t it Leroy you should be trying to impress?”
“Don’t start this.” I moved across the room and sat on my bed, dragging my good pair of shoes out from underneath it.
“Tease you about your crush? What would be the point of knowing if I can’t?” Blaire stopped spinning in my chair and stood up, swaying on the spot and trying to rebalance herself. “It’s alright. I’ll only tease you in private.”
“That doesn’t make it any better.”
“Oh well, Lover-boy.” Blaire shot me a wink before walking over and opening my bedroom door. “I’m going to annoy, Brad. Don’t be too long!” With that, she swept out of the room, leaving me sitting alone with a stupid smile on my face.