This Is Me

by Finn

  It had taken me all morning to get my mental state back in check, I wasn’t going to let an off-hand comment by someone send me spiralling again. Coming to rest next to Blaire, I already felt myself becoming calmer, and as she gave me a quick hug, I felt as though I would be okay.

  “How are you feeling?” she asked almost instantly.

  “I’m alright. Could be better. But I think I’m handling it okay.”

  “Andy and Leroy told me that you were avoiding them.”

  “That is true but for a completely different reason,” I defended myself, and Blaire nodded, understanding where I was coming from.

  “I’m sure Leroy is just having a fling,” she reassured.

  “Yeah, that doesn’t help.”

  Blaire gave me a sympathetic smile before we began making our way outside where we always had our lunch. We found sitting in the field always seemed to be much more peaceful, though considering a stranger was most likely going to be sitting with us, clinging onto Leroy, it was going to be anything but peaceful for me.

  “Oh, God.” The words slipped from my mouth as soon as I saw Andy and Leroy sitting in our usual spot, accompanied by a girl I vaguely recognised from around the school.

  “You knew this was gonna happen, Pete. Deep breaths,” Blaire whispered beside me, giving me a slight nudge.

  She was right, and I knew that. Leroy was straight, and no matter what feelings I had, big or small, there was never going to be a romantic relationship between the two of us. Though that didn’t stop the sinking feeling in my stomach or the automatic jealousy that began rearing its ugly head as I watched someone who wasn’t me nestle up closer to Leroy.

  “I don’t think deep breaths are going to help,” I murmured back to Blaire just before we reached the others.

  Almost immediately after Blaire and I had come to a stop, Leroy leapt to his feet and shot us both a smile, gesturing down to the girl who had been sitting quite comfortably beside him. I did my best to return the happy smile, and I think I did it rather convincingly.

  “Blaire. Pete. This is Grace.” Leroy beamed at the both of us as Blaire and I turned our full attention to Grace who was now shyly smiling at the two of us.

  “Hi, Grace! Welcome to our humble, little group.” Blaire stepped forward and offered her hand, which Grace slowly took, causing a strangely awkward handshake to take place.

  “It’s good to meet you, Grace.” I nodded my head in her direction, before taking a seat on the ground next to Andy.

  “They made it official on Friday, at the party,” Andy filled me in as Blaire, Grace, and Leroy all delved into a conversation together.

  “Before or after everyone was drunk?” I asked, doing my best to keep my voice level. I didn’t need Andy to think anything was bothering me.

  “Uh, kind of when everyone was half-and-half.” Andy chuckled. “Before I made-out with Carly.”

  “Oh, so you remember that?” I questioned snickering.

  “Don’t mock me. I hate myself enough for doing it as is. Leroy’s already given me a ton of shit for it.”

  “Hey, I’m not one to judge.”

  I gave Andy a slight nudge and looked back over at Leroy, who was still in a light conversation with Blaire and Grace. He caught a glimpse of me looking over at him and gave me another small smile, which I returned.

  I hated myself for developing feelings for Leroy, now more than ever. At first, it’d been just a childish crush that I thought would pass in no time, but now, it seemed like it had become something more. The worst part was—he looked like he was happy with Grace. Like it could be the start of a great relationship. In turn, I should be happy for him. I should be happy for them both. But I wasn’t. I was angry and sad. I was devastated, even. The more I sat and watched them, the more horrible I felt. They kept sharing small kisses and holding onto each other, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Just going to the toilet. I’ll be back.” The words flew out of my mouth, and before anyone had the time to say anything in response, I was already on my feet and heading back across the field.

  Due to my fast-paced walking, I was soon standing in the boy’s bathroom in front of the large mirror that hung behind the basins. I turned the tap on and washed my hands before wiping my face down, nodding at a few students wandering in and out of the bathroom. Just as my luck had it though, Leroy was one of the students who had walked in.

  “Are you alright?” Leroy’s voice was soothing, as it always was, and I had to fight the urge to fall apart.

  The mixture of emotions I was feeling along with the sweet voice of the boy I had begun falling for was not a good combination when it came to trying to hold myself together. But, somehow, I managed.

  “Yeah, I’m good. Just really had to pee,” I lied, finally shutting the tap off.

  “Oh… okay, cool. As long as you’re good.” Leroy nodded a few times while he fiddled with his hand, and I turned away from him, thinking it wasn’t a good idea to look his way.

  “Yep, perfect.”

  I hated lying. But I couldn’t tell him the truth. I mean, I could, yes. The consequences of doing that though would surely outweigh the good that could come from it. Why did everything have to be so fucked up?

  “Alright, well… I’ll see you back out there.”

  I nodded in response, not trusting myself to say anything else. The fear was that I would tell him how I was feeling. Or get angry for no reason. Which, I didn’t have a right to be angry. At least not at Leroy. He hadn’t done anything wrong. What was happening, and what I was feeling, that was all on me. I just needed to keep my head down and get over myself and Leroy. But as I watched Leroy give me a small, nervous smile before turning around and slowly walking out of the bathroom, I knew that was going to be easier said than done.

  -Ten-

  Slightly Terrified

  “How are you holding up?”

  “How does it look like I’m holding up, Blaire?”

  “Well, I just thought I’d ask. You know, assuming makes an ass out of you and me.”

  I was sitting in my room on the edge of my bed with Blaire lounging behind me. It had been almost a week since Brad had told me he had seen my video. Coming home from school on Monday, I was worried he would try to talk about it again, or that he had told our parents. However, he didn’t. In fact, he had been giving me space, even going as far as to not taunt me like usual. It was concerning, and I was worried that him knowing I was gay was affecting our relationship.

  On top of all of that, it had also been almost a week since I was introduced to Leroy’s new ‘girlfriend’—if you could call her that. Grace. Even thinking about her name made me quiver. Don’t get me wrong, she’s probably a wonderful girl, but jealousy is one heartless bitch.

  “I think I should start wearing make-up,” I threw the idea into the air while I fell backward onto Blaire’s legs just as she snorted with laughter.

  “Yeah, ‘cause people definitely won’t think you’re gay then.”

  “It’ll just be to hide the bags under my eyes. I look worse than Brad, and he looks like shit. Not that I’ve seen him much.”

  “Pete, it’s not just the circles under your eyes that make you look like shit,” Blaire pointed out, and while she was right, it still hurt a little to hear.

  “You really know how to cheer someone up,” I drooled sarcastically and shot her a glare while she gave me a sympathetic look.

  “Look, worrying about it isn’t going to help.”

  “Oh, wow. Thank you, Blaire. Your wisdom is almost cosmic.”

  “Hey, you’re the one who’s good at giving advice. Not me.” Blaire kicked her legs up, causing my head to slam into her knee.

  “I can’t give myself advice, though, can I?” I complained, rubbing the back of my head before resting it back down on Blaire’s legs. “So, you’re going to have to step up.

  “I wouldn’t even know where to begin. My go-to strategy is to eat a lot of shitty food. That’s how I ch
eer up.”

  “Well, I can’t do that. I gotta stay in shape.”

  “What shape? Round?” Blaire let out another laugh, and I rolled my eyes.

  “Har-har. I just want to sleep for a thousand years.” I sighed, and I felt Blaire’s hand fall onto my head before slipping through my hair.

  “When you figure out how to become immortal, then that would be a possibility.”

  “When…” I murmured and chuckled to myself.

  “Look, Pete,” Blaire said suddenly, and I turned my head to look at her, and saw she was staring blankly at my ceiling. “I have no idea what to say to you. I want you to feel better and be happy. And I’m sorry that this shit is happening. But, like, remember that if you ever want somebody to bitch to, or talk to, or if you feel like you can’t tell anybody something, remember that you have me, okay?”

  “Thanks, Blaire. That means a lot.”

  It wasn’t a lie, despite the apparent bluntness in my voice. It was just a little hard to sound happy at the moment. A lot was going on in my mind, what with Leroy, and the flash drive, so, currently, my mind was only set on being miserable and worried. Not really where I wanted it to be.

  “When did being a teenager become so complicated?” Blaire wondered aloud, and I hummed in agreement with the question.

  “It’s always been complicated. I just made it worse.”

  “You know, Pete, you’re going to look back on this one day, and wonder why you worried so much. I’m sure everything will be fine. It has to be, right?”

  “God, I hope so.”

  We both fell silent, and I let my mind wander. If only I knew what the future would bring, maybe I wouldn’t be worrying so much. Maybe what Blaire said would become a reality. One day, I may look back on who I am now and wonder why I worried. Perhaps I had no reason to worry.

  God, why couldn’t I be normal?

  *

  The next few days after my ‘therapy’ session with Blaire dragged on. It was torture. Not only did I have to pretend I wasn’t falling in love with my best friend, but I also had to fake smile and act like I adored his new girlfriend. At many, many moments throughout each day that passed, I felt as if swallowing a sword would be better than seeing them together. No, that wasn’t meant to be a double entendre.

  Acting like I was okay was, actually, the easy part. The hard part was not continuing to fall in love with Leroy. You would think my brain would have at least tried to stop itself once it saw Leroy was clearly happy in his relationship. But no. If anything, my feelings for Leroy had skyrocketed. Every little thing he did became much more prominent, though I have no idea how. I was already noticing every mannerism he had like my senses had been dialled up to eleven. But, somehow, I’d managed to escalate them. Good fucking job, me.

  Currently, I was trying not to stare at him in P.E.

  “Mr Stone, were you going to join us today, or are you looking to get detention?” Mrs Tyson’s voice reminded me that I was failing at that.

  “Sorry, I zoned out for a second there,” I replied, sheepishly smiling at my gym teacher as she shook her head.

  “It’s your turn to sprint. You’re with Makenzie, Taylor, Clarke, Leroy, and Phillip.”

  “Oh, good,” I murmured as I took my position next to Leroy.

  As much as I didn’t want to get too close to him for fear of not being able to control myself from saying or doing something stupid, I couldn’t just avoid him. I didn’t want him to know there was something wrong. As far as he knew, there wasn’t, and I wanted to keep it that way.

  “Still not sleeping, Pete?” Leroy asked in a hushed whisper as we both lowered ourselves and got ready for Mrs Tyson’s command.

  “Not as much as I’d like to, no.”

  I shot Leroy a smile, trying to indicate not to worry, but it seemed to have gotten lost in translation, as his whole faced dropped and he turned away from me.

  Yeah, that was a punch to the gut.

  “GO!”

  Mrs Tyson’s voice caught me off guard, and I stumbled as I pushed forward. When I finally started to get momentum, I looked ahead and saw that no matter what I did, I was not going to catch Leroy. But I could watch him all day. I knew I shouldn’t have been thinking that, but I couldn’t help it. He was so perfect, and I fucking hated it.

  “Looks like you’re still shit at running, Pete!” Taylor chirped as I came to a stop just after her.

  “I literally would have caught you if we had another five meters,” I retorted with a laugh.

  “But we didn’t have another five meters. Ergo, you suck.”

  “We both know I don’t know what ‘ergo’ means!”

  “It means ‘therefore’,” Leroy said, coming to stand beside me and smiling at Taylor. “It’s Latin.”

  “You’re Latin,” I murmured, regretting it instantly as Leroy moved his face next to my ear and whispered.

  “Great comeback.”

  Shivers shot down my spine, and I did all I could to keep myself composed. I had known Leroy for a while now, but not once had he ever gotten that close to me, and I hated myself for wanting him to do it again. To get even closer.

  “Shut up, you nerd,” I said, glaring at him, while Taylor laughed and walked away.

  “Do you want to come to my place this afternoon?” Leroy asked suddenly, and I shot him a questioning look.

  “I thought you’d want to hang out with Grace?”

  I had no idea why I said that. I should be happy that he wanted to spend time with me, even if the thought of it did make me have to fight off a few thoughts that I should not have been thinking.

  “Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I’m going to stop spending time with my best friend,” Leroy said with a chuckle, and I smiled. “Plus, I’ve been staying at Andy’s, but I’m back home, and think it’d be cool if we hung out. Just the two of us.”

  Leroy’s words made my heart flutter. Just the two of us. Did I really want to be spending time alone with Leroy, considering how I was feeling? The answer to that was most definitely no.

  “Why have you been staying at Andy’s?” I asked, prolonging the conversation a little more before I had to give an answer.

  “It’s just… that’s what friends do, Pete,” Leroy replied bluntly, before shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter. I’m going to get our bags, and when I come back, you better have an answer.”

  With a smile, Leroy turned and began walking away as the final school bell echoed through the grounds.

  “What the fuck,” I whispered under my breath.

  Why had Leroy gotten his back up at the mention of him staying at Andy’s house? I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, considering Leroy had been acting strange recently. Not just since he’d gotten a girlfriend, before that, too. This was what happened when you noticed the little things about someone. You saw everything. Something wasn’t right with Leroy, but I knew better than to pry. Hell, I had my own problems, I didn’t need to be worrying about his, too.

  Still, the way he flipped from joking to being cold and blunt then back to normal was concerning. Maybe a quick talk with Andy would clear it up. Though, if Andy knew anything, I doubt he’d tell me. Good friends were like that sometimes.

  I pulled myself out of my thoughts and looked around, noticing that everyone had begun making their way toward the carpark. Turning, I saw Leroy walking over to the side of the field with the rest of our P.E. class to get our bags.

  Sighing to myself, I contemplated if I should go to Leroy’s house or not, sadly, that was cut short as Donny stepped into my view.

  “Oh, hey, Kidney,” Donny drooled, and I raised my eyebrows.

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “Kidney. Your last name is Stone,” Donny explained, looking prouder than a parent watching their child walk for the first time.

  “Oh… clever,” I said slowly, moving to get around him, but he grabbed my arm. My heartbeat quickened.

  “How are you going?” Donny ask
ed, smirking.

  “Wonderful. Slightly terrified, I have to admit. Still mad about your sister? Or is this about the party? Because I thought you were reinvited? Personally, I remember talking to you about it. Did you ever show up?”

  “Have I ever punched you?”

  My mind raced at his words, and I tried not to freak out at the thought of getting my ass kicked.

  “Well, that didn’t answer my question,” I said stupidly, trying to wiggle my arm out of his grip, but to no avail.

  “I don’t think I have.”

  “Answer my question? No, I just said that.”

  “Punched you,” Donny said, widening his smirk, and I shrunk backward.

  “I know, I know. But we wouldn’t want to ruin that perfect record now, would we?”

  I did my best to keep my voice level and to stop it from breaking. Considering the situation, I did a pretty good job.

  “A slip up wouldn’t hurt.” Donny’s smirk grew, and I could feel my heart beating faster, threatening to leap through my chest.

  “It would definitely hurt one of us.”

  “Let him go!”

  God, that voice was music to my ears, I didn’t even have to look at who spoke before the thought ran through my mind.

  “We’re just chillin’, man.” Donny let go of my arm as Leroy moved in beside me.

  “Oh, thank God,” I mumbled, rubbing where Donny had been holding me. That shit hurt.

  “I think you should apologise, Donny,” Leroy pointed out, and I shook my head.

  “Nah, it’s fine. After all, we were just hanging out!” I laughed and nudged Leroy.

  If we stood and made Donny apologise, the next time he got a hold of me, I felt there would be a lot less talking involved.

  “See? No harm done, Roy Toy.” Donny gave another smirk before turning on his heel and walking away.

  “He’s such a dick,” Leroy mumbled and turned to look at me. “Also, I’m sorry about before, Pete. There’s just… a lot of shit happening.”