by Finn
“You tried to kiss Leroy?” Blaire questioned, and I shot her a questioning look while rubbing my shoulder.
“He told you I did!” I said, though, I was starting to think there had been some miscommunication.
“Uh, no, he didn’t! He said you were doing homework and talking about university!”
All that was going through my head was, ‘fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.’
My breathing began to become laboured, and I felt my body start to shake as panic set in.
If Leroy hadn’t told them we had almost kissed, then maybe Leroy didn’t know I was leaning in to kiss him. Which meant they didn’t know I was gay.
I felt my legs buckle under me as I pushed myself against the front door and slid to the ground, shoving my face into my hands.
“Pete, deep breaths. Deep breaths.”
I felt Blaire’s hand rest on my shoulder again as she tried to soothe me, but I couldn’t catch my breath.
“I. Am. Try. Ing” I managed to get out in between the short, sharp breaths that I struggled to get in.
“Just try to think of good things. Uh, what helped last time you had a panic attack?” Blaire asked, talking quick as she continued to try to calm me down.
I shook my head at Blaire’s question. The thing that helped with my last panic attack was Leroy, but I knew that thinking of him wouldn’t help this time. Considering he was part of the reason I was freaking out.
I tried to focus my mind on anything but the video, Andy, Leroy, the school, and pretty much my whole life as I sat on the cold concrete steps in front of Blaire’s house, feeling her hand continually rub my shoulder.
Maybe this was the Leroy thing that Andy had been talking about. Perhaps they both saw the video and Leroy isn’t okay with it. Maybe he doesn’t want to see me again. What if that was the reason they weren’t coming to school with us this morning?
My body kept shaking as I continued to have a panic attack, and I did all I could to level my breathing. I just had to catch it first.
With my mind still moving at a thousand miles an hour, a million horrible thoughts running through it, I felt Blaire slide down the door beside me, pulling me closer, and I fell into her embrace.
“It’s going to be okay. It’ll be alright,” she whispered into my ear, and I continued to tremble in her arms.
*
“Take as long as you need,” Blaire’s voice broke through the sound of the radio as I sat in my idling car in the school’s carpark.
We had arrived at school almost ten minutes ago, and I hadn’t made a move to get out of the car, or even turn it off. Blaire had been waiting patiently with me but had decided it was time to head into school.
I had asked about Andy and Leroy during the drive, but she admitted she didn’t know much. Whatever had happened between Leroy and I that afternoon, no one else knew. Hell, it seemed as though Leroy didn’t even know about it.
How the fuck could I be so stupid?
I looked over to my left and saw her standing just outside my car holding onto the open door, leaning down to look in at me.
“Just keep trying to breathe,” she said with a smile, and I nodded.
“That is generally how humans survive.”
Lightening the mood was never my strong point, especially when my voice cracked with every word.
“Har-har. I’ll see you in there.”
With that, Blaire closed the door and began walking toward the school, and I watched her until she was out of sight. Soon after, I turned my car off and sat in silence, I noticed a few of the students look over at me on their way up to the school. Some of them even waved, though I didn’t wave back.
Being completely honest with myself, I had no idea if that was a good sign or not. I had known these people long enough to know that that could be a standard greeting or a sarcastic gesture. At that moment, I was leaning more toward the torment, and I felt as though I wanted to cry. Which I had already narrowly avoided this morning and wanted to keep avoiding it.
Blinking a few times and fighting the urge to let tears stream down my cheeks, I grabbed my bag and exited the car. The fresh morning air slapped me in the face, as my eyes lingered on the school and the students entering it. I knew that it was going to be a long day, and I’d give anything for it not to be something I had to face, but I had to. Taking in a few deep breaths, I began my slow walk toward the school's entrance, trying to keep my eyes to the ground.
Walking up through the carpark and across the grounds, I heard a few whispers around me and felt eyes lingering. Some people greeted me normally, and I mumbled a hello, while others smiled.
Trying not to look at anyone else, I finally reached the entrance, and as I walked in, I saw Andy, Blaire, and Leroy standing off to the side together.
Swallowing whatever courage and confidence I had left, I made my way over to them. It was now or never.
Blaire smiled at me as I reached them, giving me an encouraging nod, which I returned, before turning my attention to the other two, my heart in my mouth.
An uncomfortable silence hung within the group for a moment as Andy and Leroy stood awkwardly in front of me, stealing glances at each other. Much to the hatred for myself, my eyes drifted to Leroy. His eyes flickered to me, then to Andy, then to the ground. He was fidgeting with his hands, and it seemed as though he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t find the words. Or, at least, for a moment, he couldn’t.
“I… didn’t want… I’m sorry, Pete.”
A cold blade slowly slid into my heart.
Leroy didn’t even have to give any more context to his words, as I felt my chest become hollow.
“Leroy, if you just listen,” I heard Andy whisper, but Leroy just shook his head before turning on his heel and walking down the hallway away from me.
“What’s that about?” Blaire said, seemingly spitting poison at Andy.
“I’ll talk to him. Pete, I’m sorry. I’ll see you in homeroom. I’m proud of you.”
Andy shot me a quick smile before a sympathetic look swept over his face, and he followed Leroy’s suit.
The final twist of the blade.
I felt Blaire’s hand rest on my back and the eyes of onlookers bearing down on me. The endless thought that always circled my brain finally came to rest as the realisation of its truth settled in my mind. People like me don’t get happy endings.
“He’ll come around, Pete. Leroy’s going through a lot. You know that.”
I did know that, and I knew that Blaire was only trying to help, but I didn’t care. It felt as though two of my best friends had turned their back on me.
No. It was only Leroy. Leroy had turned his back on me.
“Yeah, well, he isn’t the only one,” I snarled back at Blaire, somehow keeping my voice from cracking.
Of course, I knew Leroy was going through something at home. I knew that there was a problem with his father. But this had nothing to do with that. This was me. I had finally shown who I was, and Leroy had turned his back on me. No explanation. Nothing.
Perhaps it was me trying to kiss him that caused him to turn away. Maybe it was only because I was gay.
Part of me wanted to follow him. To ask him what the fuck the problem was. But what if it made things worse—if they could even get worse. It felt as though my heart had caved in on itself.
Blaire withdrew her hand. “I didn’t… Pete, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just—”
“Giving them excuses,” I cut her off, turning on my heel and walking back the way I came. There was no way in hell I was staying here.
“Pete, no! Wait!” Blaire grabbed my arm, but I harshly shrugged her off, spinning around to face her.
I thought I would have felt sad. I thought I would have wanted to cry. But I didn’t. Instead, my blood was boiling, and as my eyes trailed the hall where Andy and Leroy had walked away from me, I felt fury rippling through my body.
The one person I thought would stand by my side, considering wha
t he was dealing with at home, had walked away from me. I would have done anything to be here for him, and he had turned his back on me.
I was fucking furious.
“Just leave me alone, Blaire!”
If people hadn’t been looking before, they were now, but I didn’t care. I knew I shouldn’t have been angry with Blaire. I shouldn’t have been taking my anger out on her, but I couldn’t stop myself. It seemed all of my sadness had been enveloped in rage, and I couldn’t stop it from spilling over. Blaire just happened to be in the direct line of fire.
“Pete…” Blaire’s voice wavered as a look of hurt washed over her face. I could still hear the sympathy that coated my name, and for a moment, my heart felt heavy. My whole body did. It felt like the world was slowly folding in on itself around me, and I was trying to hold it in place.
I needed to get out.
“I said, leave me. The fuck. Alone!”
My eyes swept over the other students in the hall before I continued making my way toward the exit, pushing past Mitchell, who glared at me as I did so.
“Aw, is the little gay boy throwing a tantrum?” I heard him mock, but before I could turn around to face him, I heard an unexpected voice defend me.
“Leave him the fuck alone, Mitchell, before I break your teeth,” Donny said, his voice almost a growl.
I wanted to tell them both to get fucked, but I decided against it as I pushed my way outside, keeping my eyes to the ground and walking as fast as I could across the grounds and through the carpark. Only when I was in my car did I find that I was holding my breath.
Trying my best to catch it and steady my heart, I looked back up at the school. Guilt snaked through my body, making me regret the way I’d acted toward Blaire.
Feeling the anger being overtaken with guilt and finding myself on the verge of tears, I started my car and pulled out of my parking spot. As I drove out of the car park, I heard the faint sound of the school bell ringing, as another pang of guilt ricocheted around my body. Trying to ignore it, I put my foot on the gas and drove. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I wasn’t going to school. I couldn’t.
I hadn’t been driving for long when I pulled into a side road, and then into an empty parking lot. And as the thoughts of what had happened and what was to come settled in my mind and tears found their way down my face—I screamed.
-Fifteen-
A Losing Game
My heartbeat didn’t slow. My breathing didn’t calm. And my mind continued to race, as I let tears continue to roll down my face effortlessly. The remnant of my scream still echoed in my ears, and my hands still grasped my car’s steering wheel, whitening my knuckles.
Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did I have to post that stupid fucking video?
I wanted to hit something. I wanted to scream again. I wanted anything but what was happening. This was my fault, and as much as I wanted to blame Leroy for making me feel like this. For turning his back on me, I couldn’t. Deep down, I knew that it was all on me.
Me leaning in to kiss him, he could have passed that off as nothing, but pairing that with the video and finding out that I was gay was clearly too much. I understood that. I needed to. So, why was I still so angry?
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to force my mind to focus on anything but the forceful sound of blood pumping in my ears. To my surprise, it started to work, and I felt something vibrating in my pocket. I didn’t make a move to check it, continuing to feel it in my pocket. I knew it was my phone, and I waited for it to finish.
Eventually, it did. Slowly, I loosened my grip on the steering wheel and shakily moved my hand to my pocket, pulling my phone out. As I did so, I could still feel it vibrating sparingly.
Taking a few more minutes to try and even out my breathing, I looked down at my phone.
Two missed calls. Five unread messages.
Looking at who was calling me, I could see it was Andy, and my mind felt a little at ease as I saw the messages he sent to accompany the calls, asking if I was okay and where I was. I still had him. And I had Blaire and Brad. Perhaps I was overthinking everything.
Maybe Blaire was right, and Leroy would come around, too, though, there was a large part of me that kept saying I ruined everything with him. One stupid moment of vulnerability.
I should never have gone to his house.
If I had stuck to what I had been doing, and not let my stupid feelings get in the way of everything, this wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have gone to kiss him. His father wouldn’t have seen. And the video would never have been uploaded because there would have not been any fucking miscommunication.
It would have been fine. Everything would have been fine. It’d be normal. At least, as normal as I could be.
Taking a deep breath and wiping a few tears from my eyes, I opened the only other message I’d gotten, which was from Blaire.
From That Scary Lady Named Blaire
8:43 amWhenever you’re ready Pete. I’m here.
‘Whenever you’re ready’.
I wanted to be ready now. I’d give anything to be ready to face who I was. I’d give anything to go back and tell Blaire I was sorry or even reply to her message, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was weak, and I hated it.
Wiping the single tear that had found its way down my cheek, I put my phone away and started my car up again. Pulling out of the sideroad, I began making my way somewhere. I didn’t know where I wanted to go, but subconsciously, I must have had an idea, as, after ten minutes, I was parking my car in front of the entrance of The Coffee House.
Shutting my car and stepping out into the morning breeze, I made my way into The Coffee House, locking my car behind me. I had no idea why I had come here, considering a certain someone who worked behind the counter would only bring me to despise myself that much more.
Keeping my eyes on my shoes, I made my way past the counter and the few people who had settled into their booths with food and drink. In a few more strides, I reached the far corner and slipped into the empty booth, crossing my arms on the table and resting my head on them. I didn’t feel like drinking or eating. Hell, I didn’t feel like doing anything ever again. I wanted to go back. Back before I went to Leroy’s house. When I could’ve said no.
All I wanted was to be able to accept who I was. To be able to be proud of who I was. Had the video helped? Was I ready to look at myself and be happy with who I was? No. I would give anything not to be gay. To not have a fear of people looking down on me for something that wasn’t in my control. Worrying about people hurting me because of who I was. The video had made things worse.
As I sat there lost in my emotions, I heard the sound of footsteps approaching me, and I prayed that it wasn’t a certain someone.
“I’m pretty sure you should be at school,” Sam’s voice drifted into my ear, and I mentally groaned and lifted my head to look at him.
“And shouldn’t you be at Uni?” I retorted, trying to keep any sharpness out of my voice. After all, I didn’t want to snap at anyone else who didn’t deserve it.
“Nope. I have night class today. Well, tonight,” he added with a chuckle, and it almost brought a smile to my face. Almost.
The knowledge that my video had gone onto our school’s social wall, which most of the graduated students were still a part of, I had a feeling Sam had seen it too. Though, the fact he had come over to me was a good sign, right? Either that, or he was doing his job.
“Well… whatever then,” I mumbled, turning my attention to the window, looking at nothing in particular. I just needed to get my eyes off him.
“I’ve given my reason, now, why aren’t you in school?” Sam pressed, and I rolled my eyes before turning back to him.
“I’m flunking.”
“Well, then… does the rebel want a coffee?” He shot me a smile, and I wanted to die instantly.
I didn’t want to feel anything when I saw his perfect smile. I didn’t want my mind to race or stomach to fold
in on itself. I didn’t want it. I wanted that feeling with a girl. Not a boy. Not multiple boys.
“I kind of just want to be alone right now.” I gave Sam a small smile before putting my head back down on my arms. Yes, it was rude, but at that moment, I didn’t think I cared too much.
“My girlfriend says that all the time, and I know just the thing that can help. I’ll be back.”
With that, I heard Sam walk away, his footsteps slowly fading as the sound of my heart shattering rang in my ears. Of course. I didn’t know why I thought, even for a moment, I could find someone and be happy. Although did I ever think that? Even though it was just a word. One that came from someone I barely even knew, it stung, and my world folded in even more.
Girlfriend.
I wished I hadn’t heard that word. That he hadn’t said it. Yes, I knew nothing would happen between us, and I didn’t expect it to. I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want any of this.
The minutes slowly slipped past as my mind continued to ridicule everything I was and everything I had done. Lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t heard Sam approach my booth again. The clearing of a throat was the thing that grabbed my attention.
“Oh, sorry. I was somewhere else,” I mumbled, lifting my head to stare at Sam, who was holding a mug of something in one hand and a small plate with chocolate cake on it in the other.
“This is on the house. I hope you feel better soon, man,” Sam said with a smile, placing the mug and plate on the table in front of me.
“I can’t take it for free,” I started, but Sam stopped me.
“It’s already paid for. Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy it.”
Just as I thought he was going to turn and walk away, Sam stepped a little closer and put his hand on my shoulder, causing a chill to rush through my body. “You’ll get through it, Peter. You’ve already shown you’re strong enough.”
Shooting me one more perfect, soothing smile, Sam dropped his hand back to his side and left me alone at my booth.
Not letting my eyes linger on him any longer, I brought my attention to the cake and drink in front of me.