This Is Me

by Finn

  “Great. ‘Cause there’s nothing cake can’t fix,” I mumbled to myself sarcastically, poking at it absentmindedly with the spoon that had come with it.

  Although I did my best to keep my mind off it, I found myself thinking about school. More specifically, the people in it. I didn’t want to think about the rumours that may be spreading about me or the idle comments that would simmer in my peers’ minds—waiting to spring up when I go back. To be thrown at me as I walk down the halls.

  I could hardly wait.

  Another thing that kept circling my mind was Donny. Not in the same way as Sam or Leroy had been, but more in a, ‘what the living fuck was that?’ kind of way.

  After all, the guy who had been bullying me, tormenting me, and almost kicked the crap out of me, had just defended me. Told off one of the jocks for doing what he had done for years.

  Seriously, what the living fuck was that?

  If I thought anyone was going to stand up for me, it would have been Blaire. Though, I had just yelled at her in front of a lot of other students. So, understandable that she hadn’t.

  But Donny? He was the epitome of a douche. Or, at least, from what I’d seen of him. Maybe he was a decent human. Maybe he truly only disliked me for rejecting his sister. Which is the weirdest reason to hate someone, but I couldn’t hold too much against him. Considering, so far, he was one of the few people to show support for me.

  Knowing it would be rude not to eat the cake Sam had given me—damn, straight, Sam—I slowly began to eat it while taking a few sips from my drink, which I discovered was hot chocolate, made almost perfectly.

  When I finished, I sat in silence. The plate and mug pushed to the side as I fell back into my thoughts. I crossed my arms on the table and rested my head on them. My mind wandered to my family.

  I knew it was stupid of me to run away as I had. To keep avoiding my family like it would make a difference. They were going to think what they were, no matter how much I distanced myself from them. I needed to face the facts, whatever they were.

  Fact number one—Bradly accepted me. No matter what happened, I had one family member who still cared for me.

  Fact number two— I still had Blaire and Andy. Whenever I was ready.

  As much as the guilt of yelling at Blaire and ditching Andy troubled me, it was a comfort to know that I could still go to them, and I would.

  Facing my parents would come. Soon.

  Slowly building up courage, I lifted myself from the booth and began walking back through The Coffee House. It felt weird not having to pay for anything, and as I passed the counter, I glanced at Sam, who gave me a gentle smile and wave. I did my best to return them before walking out the exit.

  I was soon in my car and pulling out onto the road. Thinking of what to do, I decided it was best to stay at Blaire’s for one more night—if she would let me. Thinking that I should get some clean clothes, I started heading toward my own house, knowing that my parents wouldn’t be home. That way, I would have plenty of time to get what I needed, as well as brush my teeth, which I badly needed to do.

  It wasn’t long before I was pulling into my home’s driveway and killing my car’s engine. As I sat staring up at the house, I could feel my stomach twisting and squirming and my heart beating out of sync and feeling as though it was making its way up to my throat.

  I had no idea why. I wasn’t going to be seeing my parents, so why the hell was I worrying?

  Though, as I sat in my car, looking up at the house, I could see the silhouettes of people walking around—three of them.

  If I thought my stomach couldn’t twist itself up even more, I was wrong. Looking toward the front door and trying to force myself to get out and walk to it, I started feeling faint, and it seemed my heart wasn’t doing its job correctly. I could feel it beating. Fast. But it sure didn’t feel like any blood was getting to my head.

  Thinking quickly, I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and shot a message off to Bradly, asking if he could bring me some clean clothes and my toothbrush outside. All I got back was a thumbs-up emoji, and I nodded to myself and waited in silence, hoping that my parents didn’t see my car in the driveway and come out.

  Thinking that I should ask Blaire if I could stay another night, I opened her contact and called her, hoping that she would answer. Hoping she forgave me.

  “Pete!” Blaire’s voice was filled with concern, but a flicker of comfort ran through my body as it graced my ears.

  “Blaire… can… could I stay with you another night?” I asked, my voice timid and low as if I was trying not to scare her off.

  “Of course!” She answered immediately, and I could hear the sound of her feet slapping against the ground. “I’m in P.E., but God knows I don’t want to be here. You can come pick me up.”

  “I just need to get some things. And you don’t have to skip school for me,” I tried to convince her, though I knew she wouldn’t listen to me.

  “I’ll be waiting out the front! See you soon!” With that, Blaire hung up the phone, probably trying not to get caught by the teacher.

  Smiling in the silence, I waited for Brad. Ten minutes later, he was knocking on my window, holding up a small plastic bag. Shooting me a smile, Brad opened up my door and dropped the bag in my lap.

  “So, are you coming home soon?” He asked, leaning on my door.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled, wishing I had the guts to never leave in the first place. “Just a few things I need to sort out and deal with.”

  “Did you go to school?” He asked, and I could hear in his voice that he cared. “At all?”

  “Yeah, but, uh—”

  “Don’t care about the detail, Shit Brain,” Brad said, tapping the window. “What about your friends?”

  “That’s what I need to sort out.”

  “Do I need to kick someone’s ass?”

  “So caring, Brad.”

  “I’m serious,” Brad said, and I watched him scan my face as if he were looking for bruises.

  “I’m fine. It’s fine,” I said quickly, moving the bag off my lap and into the passenger seat.

  “Alright, well, let me know.” Brad looked away from me and turned toward the house. “You know, they don’t care.”

  “Do you know how terrified I am?” I asked quietly. “Especially after today. After I know what some people are still like when it comes to people like me.”

  “Pete—”

  “I am so scared that mum and dad will be some of those people. Yeah, I may be blowing everything out of proportion, but I cannot stop thinking about it. I can’t get it out of my head.”

  “Okay, okay,” Brad said, looking at the ground. “Just do what you think is right.”

  “I don’t even know anymore,” I muttered, and we both fell silent.

  After a few moments, I heard Brad shuffle beside the car before speaking.

  “Oh, and you may need this.”

  Brad lifted my school bag up and threw it over me, letting it land on top of the plastic bag. How the fuck did I not realise I didn’t have my bag?

  “You’re a fucking idiot, did you know that?” Brad asked, and I rolled my eyes.

  “Whatever. Thank you.”

  Brad nodded and shook his head, stepping back from my car and closing the door. With one last look at him, I brought my car's engine to life. I did my best not to look at him or the house, and I quickly backed out of the driveway and began the journey back to school, where I knew Blaire would be waiting for me.

  Keeping the radio off and the ride silent, I was soon pulling up in front of the school, and Blaire ran over to the car and jumped inside. Though I tried not to look at her, I caught the sympathetic look she held on her face.

  “I’ve already texted my mum, so she knows you’re staying,” she stated, and I nodded in response.

  “Do they know?” I asked hesitantly, already suspecting I knew the answer.

  “Yes. When she messaged me back, she told me they saw it. They’re fine with
it. Don’t worry,” Blaire assured me, and I nodded again.

  The rest of the car trip was quiet, and as I pulled up to Blaire’s house and turned my car off, we continued to sit in silence. Neither of us making a move to get out of the car or bring up what had happened at school. Something that I was thankful for.

  “Are you ready?” Blaire asked suddenly, and I looked up the small grassy slope where her house sat.

  “Thank you,” I murmured, turning to look at her. “And I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine. I just hope you’re okay.” Blaire gave me a gentle smile, and at that moment, I had never been more thankful for anyone in my life.

  “I’m not. But I hope I can be.”

  -Sixteen-

  The Calm

  “Phillip, you need to stop.”

  “But, Mum, John started it!”

  “I did not, you liar!”

  “Boys! Listen to your mother!”

  “Welcome to an updated family dinner at Brodie’s residence. It has been a while,” Blaire whispered into my ear as I watched two of her older brothers, John and Phillip, throw specs of salt and pepper at each other.

  “How is it that I’m the youngest and most mature?” Blaire’s younger brother sighed.

  “Don’t get involved, Lachlan,” Mrs Brodie warned.

  “Yeah, Lachy, you know what happens when you get involved,” Blaire whispered to her younger brother, pointing across the crowded table at her other brother, Jordan, who was cracking his knuckles.

  “I can take him!” Lachy retorted with a chuckle. “I’ve done it before.”

  “Oh, please, Tater Tot, you only landed a hit on me ‘cause James was holding me down.” Jordan laughed, cracking his knuckles again.

  “Boys,” Mr Brodie warned, grabbing the salt and pepper from John and Phillip.

  “Oh, yeah, and he’s not here right now, Lachy,” John teased, shoving food into his mouth.

  “Maybe it’s your turn to be held down,” Phillip joined it, causing both Mr and Mrs Brodie to sigh and roll their eyes.

  “Alright, you testosterone riddled asses. Touch the little one, and I destroy all four of you,” Blaire interjected, putting her knife and fork down.

  “I know you’re the second youngest, but you scare the crap out of me,” Jordan admitted, placing his hands back on the table and smiling at Blaire.

  “Good. And you know I’ll keep to my word.” Blaire shot a wink at Jordan, and I could see a smug Lachlan smirking across the table at his four older brothers.

  “Doesn’t she scare you, Pete?” Phillip asked, shoving more food into his mouth and showing it to John.

  “A little, but the fear turns me on.” I’m not sure why I said it and the words fell from my mouth before I could stop them.

  It may have been because, after everything that had happened over the past two days, I was finally comfortable for the first time. Comfortable to be me.

  The reaction I got for what I said was also worth it.

  Jordan let out a bark-like laugh as John choked on his food slightly. Phillip moved to cover Lachlan’s ears, while he followed Jordan’s suit and laughed, while both Blaire’s parents looked at me with raised eyebrows. Blaire replicated their look.

  “I’m sorry. What?” Blaire asked, doing her best to keep her composure.

  “It… it was a gay joke, that I’m now regretting,” I mumbled.

  While the initial reactions were fun to watch, I was still unsure about everything. Who I was and what Blaire’s family thought of me.

  “I don’t get it,” Jordan admitted after he calmed down.

  “I didn’t say it was a good one,” I retorted, still in a whisper. “You still laughed.”

  “Well, it was random, and we do that very well here.”

  “I have noticed.”

  “I don’t get it either,” Lachlan chimed in, and I turned to look at him, but before I could speak, John got in first.

  “Well, you see… Pete, may I?” He asked, tilting his head toward me.

  I honestly had no idea what he was going to say, but I did know that everyone at the table knew who I was and what I was, so, I couldn’t see the harm.

  “Hey, if you think you know, go ahead.”

  John cleared his throat before turning back to Lachlan. “Well, little one, you see… Pete is gay. So, the joke was laced in sarcasm. Saying the fear Blaire induces turns him on, when in fact, nothing Blaire does will ever turn him on. Ever.”

  “That’s… a terrible joke,” Lachlan looked at me holding the same expression his parents did, and it was uncanny how much he looked like his father.

  “Why did you laugh then?” Phillip asked.

  “I was laughing at John choking.”

  “Lachlan!” Mrs Brodie went to smack Lachlan’s arm, but he quickly moved away.

  As the Brodie family continued to squabble and laugh, I found myself smiling. Never in my life had I felt so comfortable to be me. Since this morning, when Blaire and I had arrived at her house, I’d felt welcomed. I felt like I belonged. No one judged me for who I was, and no asked questions or pressured me. I felt normal. Something I hadn’t felt for the longest time. And all it took was a day.

  “So, Pete, will you be going to school tomorrow?” The sudden question ripped me back to reality. The reality that this was only for now. I still had many things to face.

  “Yes, he is,” Blaire answered before I had the chance, and as I looked at her, I saw she was giving me a slight nod, which I returned.

  I knew I couldn’t avoid school forever. I couldn’t prevent what was coming.

  “Do you need me to drive—” Mr Brodie started, but Blaire cut him off.

  “Oh, no. Pete can drive us both. The other guys will have to… make a decision.”

  “Oh?” Mr Brodie questioned, looking between Blaire and me before something seemed to click in his mind. “Oh…”

  “Thank you for the offer though, sir,” I said with a polite smile, trying to hide the pain of my two best friends walking away from me.

  “Pete, how many times do we have to tell you? It’s Ryan and Taylor,” Mr Brodie stated, gestured between himself and his wife.

  “Or, mum and dad,” Mrs Brodie chimed in with a smile.

  “Oh, God, no. We don’t need another brother.” Jordan chuckled, looking around at his three brothers. “The only good one is married. And he’s only the good one because I don’t have to see him every day.”

  “Jordan!” Mrs Brodie glared at her second oldest son while John, Phillip, and Lachlan nodded their head in agreement.

  “Alright, if everyone’s finished, let’s clear out because I want peace and quiet,” Mr Brodie said, standing up and continuing to collect everyone’s plate.

  “Do you need any help?” I offered, starting to follow Mr Brodie’s suit, but he stopped me.

  “Oh, no, Pete. It’s Lachlan’s turn to help. Besides, I think you should get some rest,” Mr Brodie finished with a smile before pointing at Lachlan. “Come on—get up and help.”

  “What? I did it last night!” Lachlan argued.

  “Every single week we go through this.” John sighed.

  “You did not!” Phillip retorted with a laugh. “You ran to your room to play some stupid game last night.”

  “It’s not stupid!”

  “But you admit that you played it last night and didn’t help clean?” John crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows as if he was the world’s best detective.

  “What? No!” Lachlan tried to defend himself.

  “Boys, drop it,” Mr Brodie interjected, “Lachlan, you’re helping. End of story. Everyone else, please, just leave.”

  “Dibs on showering first!” John yelled, jumping up from his seat and running out of the room.

  “Wait, no!” Phillip quickly followed John, and a few yells were heard further in the house.

  “Well, fuck. Hope you like cold showers, Pete.” Jordan sighed, slowly getting up from his seat and handing his dishes to his dad.
“‘Cause they’re gonna use up all the hot water.”

  “You make it sound like they’re going to shower together.” I chuckled, getting up with Blaire, who rolled her eyes.

  “It wouldn’t surprise me. Twins are weird like that.”

  “They each shower for about fifty minutes,” Jordan stated after giving Blaire a weird look. “I’d kill them both if they showered together.”

  “Why is that?” Mrs Brodie asked, starting to wipe down the table. “When you were younger, you used to take baths with both of them.”

  “That was different. We were poor.”

  “Come on, Pete,” Blaire said, leading me out of the dining room and down a small hall.

  The Brodie’s home was tiny for the number of people who lived in it. It had become a little less crowded since James had moved out, giving Jordan his own room, but it was still a very tight squeeze. John and Phillip shared a room, and Lachlan, now Jordan had moved into James’ room, also had his own room.

  Blaire, being the only girl, got her own room, which was where I had spent the past few nights passed out. It was also tiny, made even smaller by the mattress in the middle of the floor. No doubt, I would be sleeping on that this time, instead of Blaire’s bed.

  “It really had been ages since you’ve had to put up with my family, hasn’t it?” Blaire asked, pulling me inside her room and falling onto her bed.

  “It has. Lachlan was only little last time,” I said with a laugh, placing myself on the end of Blaire’s bed, and leaning up against the wall.

  It was an understatement to say that Blaire’s room was a mess, which I was only now just noticing. Clothes littered the floor, along with books, bags, make-up, among many other things. Her single bed was shoved up against the wall to the left of the room, while a tiny desk was right next to her bedside table. There wasn’t a lot of room to maneuverer, especially when most of the floor was now a bed for me.

  “How are you feeling?” Blaire asked, quickly checking her phone that sat on charge, before looking at me.

  I wished I knew the answer to that question. Because, honestly, I had no idea how I was feeling. I was relieved, of course, thanks to Blaire’s family. Though, what happened with Leroy kept playing in my mind.