This Is Me

by Finn

  “I can assure you that I’m not. What’s that?” I asked, going to open the book but getting my hand slapped away.

  “Patience.” Jordan raised a finger at me, and we stayed in silence for a moment before he slowly moved and opened the book.

  “Oh, it’s a photo album,” I stated, and I caught Jordan shaking his head again. “What?”

  “No, it’s a giraffe.”

  “No need to be a dick,” I said with a chuckle before reading the cursive writing on the title page of the album.

  It’s been two years, but every day feels like the first day I laid eyes on you. Happy Anniversary, Jordy.

  “How gay,” I whispered to myself and received a light shove from Jordan, who was smiling like an idiot.

  “Shut up! It’s cute.”

  “It is,” I agreed, as a smile rested on my face.

  For the next half-an-hour, I found myself edging closer to Jordan to get a better look at the photos of him and his partner, Braden. Within the first two years of their relationship, they had done so much together. They had gone on a cruise, several theme parks, and many, many stunning locations. In every single photo, Braden and Jordan looked like the happiest couple on the planet. They were always smiling. Always close together. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling more as I looked at each picture.

  I had no idea where Blaire was, and though I heard some movement outside of Jordan’s room, I paid no mind to them. I was too engrossed in the photo album and being with Jordan. It was oddly freeing to be sitting with someone who was like me and to see what could be.

  Picture after picture, I felt my heart swell and butterflies swirl around in my stomach. This was what I wanted. Whatever Jordan had with Braden—I wanted it. As much as I only wanted to feel happiness for Jordan, I couldn’t stop the ripple of Jealousy that ran through my body.

  “Can I ask a question?” I asked as Jordan closed the photo album, after looking at the last picture of Braden kissing his cheek.

  “Ask anything,” Jordan replied with a smile.

  “Well, there is more than one…”

  “Fire away, Pete.” Jordan chuckled, moving to put the album back where he had gotten it before setting himself back down beside me and leaning back on his elbows.

  “Who knows?”

  “Everyone. Well, everyone important.”

  “So, Blaire knows?”

  “She was about the third,” Jordan answered.

  “How did you come out?”

  “Not as dramatic as you.”

  “Oh, har-har,” I drooled, and Jordan laughed.

  “I’m kidding, Pete.” Jordan composed himself, and a smile rested on his face. “I think it was really cool. I’m sure there are a lot of people who needed something just like that.”

  “Yeah,” I said quietly, feeling my face heat up. “Blaire told me someone at school came out because of that video.”

  “Well, there you go.” Jordan gave me a small nudge. “You’re an inspiration.”

  Ever since the video had come out, I had wanted someone to talk to about everything. Someone I could confide in. Yes, I had Blaire and Bradly, but they didn’t truly understand. They didn’t understand what was going through my head and what had been going through my head for the past God knows how many years. They didn’t see the struggle and fear of pretending to be someone you’re not. Praying that nobody found out. Praying that nobody looked too closely. The mask I wore was thick. Covered in denial, guilt, and fear. But if someone had looked close enough, they would have seen the cracks. They would have seen hints of who I truly was.

  For the longest time, I had wanted to talk about it with someone. Talk about everything, but I’d never had anyone. But now there was Jordan. Someone who had made it. Someone who wasn’t afraid to be themselves and was embracing it. Someone who had proven to me that people like me could find love. Even when it seemed like all odds were against us.

  “I could never have done that. I would never have had the courage,” Jordan said, taking in a shaky breath.

  “It was all because of a stupid thing.”

  “Still… I don’t think I would be handling it as well as you. Everyone knowing. I think you’re doing better than most people would. Personally, I wouldn’t even be able to smile or look people in the eye. I would still be holding my breath.” Jordan paused and looked around his small room before his eyes came back to rest on mine.

  “I told my mum when I was fifteen. I had just gotten my ass kicked that day at school for acting gay. When she asked what happened, I told her, and she said I shouldn’t worry what they say and that it only mattered what I thought of myself. And I asked her what if I thought the same thing? What if they were right?

  “I came out to her that night because I was too broken to keep putting on a mask. To keep pretending to be something I wasn’t. I came out to her that night because I knew that if I didn’t…”

  Jordan paused again and tore his eyes away from mine, looking out his bedroom door and into the distance. As I stared at him and waited for him to continue, I saw a few tears slide out of the corner of his eye. With another shaky breath, Jordan spoke again, still looking away from me.

  “I knew that if I didn’t… I wouldn’t be able to hold on any longer. Because that wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last time that who I was got me beaten up. I knew that if I didn’t tell her, I wouldn’t be around to tell her.

  “See, Pete… you need people in your life you can lean on. People that you can count on and talk to. Because you get lost. Lost in yourself and the lies you tell yourself and others to make it seem like you’re the same. That you’re not different. But that takes away a part of who you are. Every time you put a new mask on and pretend to be something you’re not, you lose another part of yourself. You lose a piece of your identity. I came out to my mother that night because I had already lost enough of myself.”

  Jordan finally turned back toward me, tears continuing to stream down his face, and it wasn’t until then that I realised I had tears running down mine.

  “Jordan… I’m so sorry,” I managed to get out, my voice cracking with every word.

  “Please promise me you’re not going to hide who you are anymore. That you’re not going to lose who you are,” Jordan whispered, and I nodded, letting more tears stream down my face.

  “I promise.”

  As the words fell from my mouth, Jordan pulled me into a hug. One unlike any I had experienced before. The raw emotion and love that was radiating from him were filled with warmth, and I could feel myself sinking further and further into his embrace.

  For the first time since the video had been online, since I had officially been out as gay, I felt like someone truly understood how I felt. Someone finally saw me for who I was, and I didn’t want the moment to end. I wanted to stay in Jordan’s warm embrace and let the weight that had been sitting on my shoulders for as long as I could remember be lifted and turned into nothing.

  Jordan had given me something that I had been looking for. Something I hadn’t been able to find since I first realised what I was. Jordan had given me hope. Hope that things would get better. Hope that I could be who I was born to be. And hope that no matter what, someone would be there to catch me if I fell. If I could stay in that moment forever, I would. But I knew it had to end.

  “This was meant to be a happy moment.” Jordan chuckled as he pulled away from me and wiped his eyes.

  As he did, I felt the warmth of his body dissipate and be replaced with a feeling of emptiness.

  “It was.” I smiled, wiping my own eyes and trying to shrug away the cold feeling that I was left with after the hug.

  “I just wanted you to know that I know what it’s like. And I’m going to be here for you. Braden, too. We’ll have to set up a meeting,” Jordan said, smiling at me before looking at the small watch on his wrist.

  “God, I’ve been crying so much lately. I could start my own water company,” I joked, lying back on Jordan�
��s bed.

  Letting out a chuckle, Jordan did the opposite and lifted himself to his feet.

  “I know the feeling, but now there isn’t any more crying. Blaire’s been looking in on us every so often, so I think you should head back to her.”

  “She has?” I asked, looking out Jordan’s bedroom door and into the hallway.

  “Yeah.” Jordan chuckled, watching me get to my feet. “Though, I think she’s now playing a computer game with the three dumbasses.”

  “Good to know. Thank you, Jordan. For—”

  “You don’t need to thank me. Just… be you. And, please, make sure to see that kid who came out. It'd be good if you had each other’s back.”

  Giving Jordan a nod, I turned away from him and walked out of his room, shooting him one last glance before walking down the small hall where I saw Blaire stick her head out one of the rooms. A broad grin was on her face as she slipped into the hall and handed me back my phone.

  “You good?” she asked, and I nodded.

  “Yeah. I am.” And for the first time in a long time, I actually meant it.

  -Eighteen-

  The New Normal

  “Don’t have a panic attack,” Blaire whispered as I shut my car's engine off and looked across the school’s parking lot.

  “Yes, that is one of my goals for today,” I said, pulling my bag from the backseat onto my lap.

  After the talk I’d had with Jordan, I had managed to get to sleep with a clear mind and a new outlook. I was no longer going to hide who I was or run from it.

  “Remember that you aren’t alone. There are people here who have got your back.”

  “I know, Blaire.”

  Clutching my bag tighter, I took a deep breath. School wasn’t the thing I was worried most about. Today was the day I would be going home and facing my parents. I had packed up my clothes from Blaire’s and put the bag in the backseat of my car so I could head there straight after school.

  “And I agree with Jordan. You should find Trent and talk to him,” Blaire suggested, opening the passenger side door and stepping out.

  Nodding to myself, I also got out of the car and locked it.

  “I can’t believe you spied on us.”

  “You disappeared! I was just trying to find you,” Blaire said with a laugh as we began making our way toward the school.

  “Mhm, sure you were. I think you were trying to figure out the gay agenda.” I laughed, and as I did, I heard a few kids walking beside us laugh too.

  “Don’t worry, Pete. We all know you’re going to take over the world,” one of them said, and my face rested on a smile.

  “That’s meant to be a secret,” I said, and they laughed again before Blaire, and I pulled away from them.

  I had never thought it would feel this good to be myself. To have everything out in the open and not worry about what people thought. Yes, part of me was still concerned about what people would think or say, but I couldn’t let that stop me. I took Jordan’s words to heart, and I was going to act like me. No more masks.

  “Well, that was… good job, Pete,” Blaire said, giving me a nudge.

  “Thanks. Have to say, I was a bit anxious when they laughed,” I said truthfully, still feeling my heart thump heavily in my chest.

  “I would have kicked their asses if they did anything,” Blaire reassured me.

  “I know, I know, Miss Badass.”

  Shaking my head, I soon walked into the school with Blaire by my side, and almost immediately, Andy jumped in front of us with his eyes beaming before pulling me into a tight hug. For a moment, he lifted me off the ground before placing me down again and pulling away.

  “My devilled eggs and ham is growing up,” Andy cooed, and I scrunched my face up.

  “How endearing,” Blaire scoffed, continuing to walk into the school, and Andy and I followed.

  “I have to say it wasn’t my best. But my brain is a mess at the moment,” Andy admitted, readjusting his bag on his shoulder. “So, Pete, we both know I don’t do emotional stuff well, so, I’m going to list off a bunch of things I’m feeling toward you in rapid succession, okay?”

  “Sure, go for it,” I said with a small laugh as we came to a stop again, and Andy moved in front of me, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking into my eyes.

  Taking a deep breath, he started. “Proud, relieved, happy, over the moon, stunned, in awe, unfathomably proud, I know I said proud already, but I need you to know how much. Sorry, regretful, and proud again.”

  “Thank you, Andy. But you don’t have to be sorry. Or regretful.”

  Looking at Andy, a grin spread across my face as he dropped his hands from my shoulders and stood up straight.

  “Look, I know I probably didn’t make it easy for you, and I know things still aren’t… good.” Andy paused for a moment, and I knew his mind had gone to Leroy.

  At least, that’s where my mind went, and it stung.

  “And I’m sorry about that. And I also have a question.”

  “Can the question wait until homeroom? Because we’re going to be late,” I said, and Andy scoffed.

  “I can walk and talk. Come.” And moved beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, walking me through a door and into the school hall.

  “You know, I can walk with no assistance,” I mentioned to Andy, who tightened his grip.

  “Let me be helpful,” Andy said, steering me into our homeroom that was already filling with other students. “So, the question. Can we go back to normal this afternoon?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, feeling my stomach begin to twirl again, threatening to put itself into a knot that wouldn’t come undone.

  “You know, like, you driving me home and then in the mornings pick me up and do our regular thing.”

  “What about Leroy?” I asked through almost gritted teeth.

  “He’s fine. He can find his own way until he comes around,” Andy said, giving me a sympathetic look, though I turned my attention to the front of the classroom as the teacher walked in.

  “No,” I said after a few moments, listening to the teacher start roll call.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, no. We’re not going back to normal.”

  I stole a glance at Andy, who was looking at me dumbfounded and sad, and I regretted my words, but I needed to stick to them.

  “What? Why!” Andy asked louder than he should have, causing the teacher to stop and look at us, along with a few other students in the class.

  “I guess I can go and mark you two off as being here,” Mr DeJulius said, and I felt my face heat up. “Don’t interrupt me.”

  Andy and I quickly nodded, and fell silent, waiting until our teacher continued the roll call.

  “Look, Andy, as much as I want things to go back to normal, that just isn’t going to happen,” I said when Mr DeJulius started speaking again. “Leroy made his decision.”

  “Pete, listen—”

  “No, Andy. It’s fine. It’s—I knew that there were going to be people like that.”

  “He isn’t like that—”

  “Andy, it’s fine,” I whispered harshly, trying to keep my temper in check as I thought of Leroy.

  It may not have been fair how I was handling the situation with Leroy, but I didn’t care. He turned his back on me, and he walked away. I understood that he was going through a lot, but that didn’t excuse what he did. That didn’t make it better, or right.

  I wasn’t casting him out of my life, and God knows I wouldn’t be casting him out of my thoughts, but I didn’t need to wait for him. I didn’t want to wait for him to come back around—if he ever did. I wanted to move on. I needed to.

  With or without Leroy as a friend.

  “Can you just listen,” Andy insisted, and I took a deep breath.

  I would rather not listen. I didn’t want to talk about Leroy anymore. And besides, if there was an excuse, a reasonable one, why didn’t Leroy tell me himself? Why didn’t he talk to me?


  “I don’t want to, Andy,” I said firmly, and I heard Andy sigh.

  “This isn’t like you, Pete.”

  “What isn’t?”

  “Not caring. Or willing to listen. You’ve always tried to understand everyone else’s situation. Why can’t you do that for Leroy?”

  I pondered Andy’s words for a second, and there was a ring of truth in them. I had always tried to know the whole story before making a judgement, but this was different. This was my best friend turning his back on me for what? Everything I had been told and that I knew didn’t give me a reason for it.

  He didn’t know that I was going to kiss him, so it couldn’t be that. And before I came out as gay, I was told his father’s words wouldn’t affect our friendship. That nothing would change. But it did. I uploaded the video, and he turned away.

  What more did I need to know?

  “I know the situation,” I muttered as the bell rang, signalling the first period, and everyone in homeroom began moving to leave the class.

  “Pete—”

  “Just stop,” I snapped, grabbing my bag and standing up. “I’ve made my decision. Things aren’t going back to normal, and you should stay with Leroy. He is going through a lot, and he could use a friend.”

  “You could be that friend,” Andy said softly, standing up beside me and we both began to walk out of the classroom.

  “If he wants me, he knows where I am.”

  With a pang of guilt ricocheting around my body, I continued into the hallway and made my way to my first class, walking in the opposite direction of Andy.

  *

  “Just go and sit with them.”

  “Pete, it’s fine.”

  “Blaire, I swear to God.”

  Mine and Blaire’s harsh whispers fought in the air between us as we stood on the field, looking over at Andy and Leroy sitting together. I knew that Blaire wanted to go and sit with them, though she didn’t want to leave me alone, which was sweet, but unnecessary.

  I had been fine all day, which I had spent by myself, apart from a few moments in between classes with Blaire and Andy. I had been planning on trying to find Trent but hadn’t had any time, though now I should have plenty.