Fools

by Joseph Mackey

hysterical with laughter. He came back and was fine just a little smarter and it smarted him I’m sure. I asked if he had learned his lesson. He claimed he had so I said I accomplished what I set out to do. Even though I had nothing to do with his “accident” .I still thought it would be funny to say that. So a week goes by and I see the guy again asking him how he’s doing since the incident. He says he’s doing fine for someone who nearly died of bee stings. It turns out he decided to graduate to other forms of stupidity. He went around campus starting food fights, which was hilarious. He threw a pizza pie in a Professor’s face once, which didn’t get him in trouble, the professor threw it back at him, along with a bowl filled with pudding.

  They both hit the fool, who claimed it was tasty. Right, pudding covered pizza is the first thing I want to be tasting. In any case, this caused the student to throw more at the professor, who ducked and the guy hit his colleague, who dumped a glass of milk down the other professor’s pants. The bee guy just laughed until a banana hit him in the face. It was great. So then me and Dave walk into the cafeteria, and by this time all hell has broken loose. Everyone is throwing food, professors, students, workers, and management. I go in there, grab a tray full of food, and chuck it into the crowd. Of course, I duck for cover right after I do that. Dave does too, after throwing a biscuit at someone. Dave then grabs a tray makes a goofy grin, laughs coming up, and gets nailed by a slice of cake full on in the face . Of course, this is too funny and I am on the floor at this point. Dave tells me to shut up and smashes some cake in my face for making fun of him. So I do the same thing he did trying to fight back in the food battle and get nailed by a butterscotch pudding all over my pants. I

  get pissed, grab a bowl of pasta and fling pasta complete with sauce in their face. This is too much for them and they break down crying. Seeing this everyone turns on them, soon its everyone against one crybaby, which is ironic since it’s the same guy who started everything. At this point, I don’t really care as I have left the food fight as did Dave. We leave the idiots to themselves and laugh at them on the way out. The next few days we look for the idiot who started the food fight, but later we find that he got expelled for burning the professor with the pizza, and was actually being prosecuted for his actions. Nah just kidding, but he did get expelled and had to go to BCC, it was sad.

  I asked him to keep in touch with me for research purposes and he did. He asked what kind of research I was doing, I told him it wasn’t academic, it was purely for fun and profit, which it is. He says sounds good to me, and left. Of course I then follow up calling him to see if he has seen or done anything stupid over at BCC. He says he tried to play April fools jokes, but they were lame. He ran around the student apartments yelling fire, fire! At midnight, then splashed some poor guy in the face with what he thought was water. It turned out that it was in fact filled with beer. It might still put out the fire, but unless it was a real fire, that is a party foul, wasting good alcohol. So he goes on about that, that it was a fraternity pledging thing, him playing a good April Fool’s prank. It barely worked for him. He got into some frat group, but it turned out they were pranking him. Frat groups don’t form on community colleges they told him, and spilled beer on him then they left. I felt bad for him, but I remembered he’s a fool. Eventually he goes back to FAU and graduates with honors because his G.P.A. at Beer Can College was so high that his foolery at FAU didn’t bring it below a 4.0. I nearly died of shock on hearing that. He did too.

  Next, I swear its true a guy sat in pasta. In my last month of school, I was wandering around, and decided to get something for lunch at the FAU cafeteria. I happen to see a guy’s friends pranking him by putting a plate of pasta (spaghetti if you were wondering) right in his seat. He was talking to a girl when they do this. It’s the perfect time to prank him. He sits down, Bam! pasta sauce and some noodles are all over his pants. It was heavy on the sauce too. He got up, he was mad as hell, and started cussing at his friends for about 5 minutes before storming out of the building. So naturally he doesn’t see it and I crack up laughing when he makes the most priceless face a person could make. I point, laugh and call the guy a buffoon for falling for that. Then I call up Dave and tell him what I just saw.

  He was the prankster among his friends, so they decided to get him back. They got him good. Me and Dave decided he deserved the you got pranked award, which consisted of me and Dave sitting around and laughing at him, oh and putting him in the book. So anyways, I finish telling Dave what a maroon the guy is and I give him the play by play. The guy walks in, talks to a girl, his friends sneak pasta into his seat and Wham he’s got it all over his pants. The next day, somehow he manages to spill it on the front side. I see him again, and this time I’m trying not to laugh at him, but I can’t help it. Apparently for a prank king he’s rather clumsy. I asked him how he managed this, and he said well I just slipped on a banana peel and it landed on my pants, don’t tell anyone he says. I tell him I won’t while crossing my fingers. I put it on the school P.A. system.

  They ask who is this goof, and I say Jack Frasier who, by the way, is single ladies. If you like guys who can’t keep food off their clothes he’s for you.

  Two days later I decide to prank him. I call his dorm room saying he just won the lottery. Well this fucker decides to drop out of school and smoke dope all day. He says he’s going to do drugs. And he does. Eventually he realizes his mistake and flips out. This is funny because I tried to tell him after that he had been pranked. Come on, I had called as the mayor of Alabama. I mean I was still in Florida when I did this. He did not realize something was wrong then. And why would the mayor of Alabama call a Floridian about the lottery, and which city in Alabama would they call from? He didn’t catch that governors run states not mayors. He finally went back to school and is part of the next section, which is why he is a true buffoon. He skipped out on his finals due to the prank I played. I felt bad, but come on he should have checked this out before dropping out of college.

  Apparently he decided he hates college and wants to flunk it. I don’t blame him, college was waste of time. Eventually he forgets about all of this, but I decide to prank him and he sits in pasta again, much to the amusement of his friends who me and Dave joined up with.

  Then there was a guy who went on a date auction and no one bid on him. He made Napoleon Dynamite look like the prom king. In fact some guy went on the same stage pretending to be Napoleon Dynamite and they almost did crown him prom king, because of the write in votes. Seriously, he went in with torn pants that sagged so much his butt crack showed, he was bald, scrawny looking, and really short. He flunked out of college because of his drinking and partying. Actually my mistake, one woman did bid on him, and she bid a lot of money too, she bid ten thousand on him. I shouted fucking fools when she did that.

  She was a fine looking chick too. I always wanted to join one of those auctions, but I always thought I would be the fool no one would bid on, oh well.

  Students who skip on 30% of their grade. I noticed that in my History of Civilization class, many students decided not to take their final exams. I couldn’t believe it

  as this is 30% of their final grade in the class. So naturally they failed or came very close. I took mine and got an A on the exam and a B in the course. I figured they all got an F for the course, since if someone had 100 it was then a 70. I could understand if they were close and they would fail anyways, but some were normally good students. I then became tempted to rubber stamp them with the word idiot or moron. Some went from barely holding a B to flunking. I called Dave to tell him about this and he says score, your ability to find human idiocy never ceases to amaze me Joe. We then drove to a club to celebrate as my book would be a huge success he said.

  So we were at the club and we see some of these idiots, and we sing Somebody Told Me at the guys while pointing on beat with the song. The next day I found out that nearly half the class had failed because of the final exam. I couldn’t believe it and told Dave how severe
it was. He said they’re a bunch of boobs what do you expect? I agreed

  yeah they’re boobs so forget them. The next day, I find out from Dave that in his classes

  that many more people had done the exact same thing. I was like oh is that all. Damn people are such&*&^%% idiots. Especially &%$#@! college students I said. So then I find out that one of my professors thought I had done it. I tell him no I didn’t skip these buffoons might have but I didn’t. So then one of the skippers gets his foot stuck in a garbage can and knocks all the papers over .The professor then kicks him out of the classroom giving him an F. The professor calls the guy a fool, along with everyone else who skipped. I laugh at him.

  Of course, the professor realizes that I didn’t skip and I got an A. Of course, this isn’t the end of the chapter, many of the idiots tried to hack into the school computer to change their grades. I watched this and captured their idiocy on tape and showed the professors, hey why should I work hard and get an A while these guys cheat? So these imbeciles are thrown out of the university for cheating. Dave and I are cheered as heroes, not for getting them thrown out, but for exposing idiocy. This ends up proving stupidity is in fact a crime. Or is it crimes involve the stupid? Maybe it’s both, but anyways I get to be the school hero because these idiots are expelled.

  We get quoted in the newspaper even, saying these people are idiots. Dave says come on these guys are idiots. I say these guys are such fools. They try to retaliate against us, but we beat them down with the help of quite a number of students who didn’t like these guys anyways. Then we leave until the next bout of idiocy showed up. Me and Dave are the stupid police, if you are acting like an idiot you will be caught and sentenced to being made fun of by us and anyone else who wants to laugh at you. Trust me, the stupid police are looking for you too so don’t think you can escape the long arm of the law. Haha well they all proved as I have said before, stupidity is in fact, a crime. If you’re found guilty, you will be sentenced to be a moron for 5 years hard time. If you plead guilty and throw yourself at the mercy of Judge Joe or Judge Dave, you might get off easy.

  Maybe you’ll get 2 years probation as an idiot. Anyways, the next day the bunch of fools tried to retake the exams, but the professors wouldn’t let them. Of course, they are none too happy about this and decide to try to appeal, but there is no appealing your own stupid actions. I saw them try, but get denied like those guys get denied by the ladies haha. Mostly these fools get denied by the girls because they’re too stupid to get dates. To end this part of the chapter, I go off to them after they get denied and state, You’re all fools! I go off on a rant about how stupid they are in simplest terms too, so they can see how dumb they are. Of course, they’re college students so they don’t get it. I just throw my hands up in disgust and shout IDIOTS! Until the next time, that is all for them.