Chapter 14
More Fools
Last night I remember more stupidity. My friend Bret was driving down the road one night and shouts Deer! He drives right into a ditch to avoid them. The worst part is he made his car scrap metal in doing this. He drives around in what used to be a good car. Of course I didn’t have to call him a fool, he insults himself about his activities. So now he rides around in a car that resembles something out of a scrap yard. I hear he needs to have it fixed, but it isn’t happening anytime soon. I wonder why he decided to shout deer at the top
of his lungs when he swerved. Unfortunately, he hit a deer the next time he drove and shouted deer again. So he drags the deer to his place. He was tying the deer to his car with twine, which left the deer behind, and someone else hit it and probably shouted deer as well.
Another incident involving drinking happened here in Mobile. Late at night, some guy was driving and swerved off the road, onto the sidewalk, and missing me by an inch. This is when I walked home from work at Subway. He hit a tree, but that didn’t stop him. He backed up and drove right into a ditch too. He got out of the car and kept babbling “boobs” because he was drunk. The police were going to fish him out, but they said it would serve him right if we leave him there, but then they saw he was drunk and a danger to other people. So they hauled his stupid butt to the county jail. They then tested him for drugs and alcohol. He failed all the tests. He even tested positive for cocaine. So he’s sitting in jail for now. Needless to say this man is a fool.
I go down to the jail and laugh at him some more because I figured it was for the best. Next, I get called by one of my Florida friends named Fred. He’s not the one who is doing stupid things here. He tells me about a woman he works with dancing about with a chicken head at random. She just stops working in the meat department in Publix and just prances with chicken parts. Now how much of a fool does one have to be to do something like that? If she were here, I would say haha what a fool. Actually, I would say it anyways. It was great, when Fred told me about this, yes I have idiocy spies everywhere.
Then there was a guy running around the school with underwear on his head. I was surprised at that. It takes a lot to surprise me, so I investigated. Naturally he was a prime candidate for the Fool of the Year Award. He won out of all of the people who were listed in the book. Well he had the underwear on as a dare. The other part of the dare was to get drunk and try to have sex with a bear. Well they took him to the woods and he passed out. Well he came to, and his buddies drove off laughing. They knew there weren’t any bears around, but the guy flipped when he remembered what he was there to do. Well they were wrong, a huge bear came along and strangely enough it wanted to mate. I never saw a man run so fast in all my life. He might have ran all the way back to campus. This was 5 miles away he said. He didn’t win the dare, but at least he got out alive. He started hyperventilating when he realized just what he did. He wins the moron award hands down.
Finally, there was a fool named James Mackey, my father. He was born, enough said. No seriously, he’s a fool. Why you might ask, well he skipped on college to drive cabs, was divorced 2 times by the age of 29, and ignored his families. Yes families, he has a son by his first wife, who he left behind as well. In addition, he was a suspected pervert who went to strip clubs, which is one thing if you’re single or even if your wife goes with you, but he went alone. He had a deputy sheriff hanging out of his cab window during a drug bust. I have seen the disposition to prove it in case he is out there planning any kind of legal action for my saying so.
I didn’t find out about it until I was 18 years old. It was a sad day for me. Everyone makes mistakes however. Getting married is one , see I heard that parents set the ground on which we conceptualize romantic relationships. This just proves it, because I used to have a severe problem with everything like that.
Then there was the time some fool got drunk and his drink got replace by vinegar and hot sauce. He thought he was drinking whiskey, but it turned out to be the awful mix. I mixed in the hot sauce, Dave did the vinegar. I felt pretty bad but we could have done worse. So I handed him the bottle and watched that motherfucker chug away. Oh and I think Dave might have peed in it, because he was drinking too much, and there was nowhere else to go. This happened about 3 months before my college graduation, which was August 12, 2005. Unfortunately, someone later ran off with his money. I tried to find out what happened. I couldn’t help the guy. I also apologized for such a mean prank, but he said it was just a harmless prank. So then we go off drinking, and Dave tries to pick up women at the bar. I’m making some money passing as the bartender. I walk away with a thousand bucks that night, Dave walks away with a blonde on each arm and the drunken guy walks away broke and sick with the word moron stamped to his head.
I randomly say balls for no reason. Then I say you have to have balls to do all that. The last fool in the list claimed to have gotten a massage from a hyperactive pepper who massaged salt into his skin. He called his best friend a chocolate shake (this was all his saying) for help, but the shake just laughed at him. This was around 3 am at a bar called Ozone in Coral Springs. I was partying my ass off with a gorgeous redhead as usual (although sometimes the girls are blonde or brunette) and this guy comes up . He was probably drunk but just to check sure I follow him till he sobers up. He insists the story was in fact true. I say he needs to get some rest in an attempt to save the guy’s dignity. However, he keeps insisting and even elaborating.
He claims that a can of mustard was filming the event, while a jar of pickles tried to seduce him. And a squirrel kept trying to bite his nuts. I obviously call for the funny farm guys to get him. I say they should start paying me for sending these guys to them. They take him away and I continue partying. I call Dave and tell him what happened. At some point in the night, he drops by to join the party at the club. I pass out there, but the bartender doesn’t care since I got rid of the crazy guy who was scaring the customers. The next day I wake up and go off to school. (I wasn’t drunk) I get to class early and meet Dave at about 8:30 am and have a laugh about the previous night. I mean what a buffoon a guy would have to be to make that up.
It turns out later the guy was just extremely drunk so they let him go. I said oops and laughed more. A few weeks later I see some guy trying to kill bugs…. with a shotgun. The guy saw some flies and decided to start shooting at them. Of course, this guy was from the hill country and didn’t know no better as he put it, when the cops came to take him away. So he tried to fight with the cops and bashed one over the head with his rifle. I say idiot now he’s done it. He tries to drive away but the car won’t run. By then the cops had put sugar in his tank, because they thought he would escape. A few of them try to turn the car over so that he has to come out. This works and they beat the guy like Rodney King. So then he is in the jail and he’s still there I’m sure. It turns out he had way too much to drink so he winds up trying to escape again,
He runs straight into a telephone pole and passes out, this was before the cops caught and beat him. So they do that and I go home from wherever I was hanging out at. Haha I forgot because the events were just so amusing that evening. So I go home and what do I see on the way there? The fool at the bar had escaped from the loony lounge, the funny farm etc. He tried again to convince me that he was massaged by a homicidal squirrel. I laugh at him and tell him to go home and sleep because he was drunker than a skunk. He does in fact, he lives next door to where I lived at the time, which was a spooky thought. The next day he gets up and has no memory of what happened the night before. At the club though he did pretty much the same thing. We decided to go together so I could see his foolery firsthand. In spite of his moronicness he got 3 girls to dance with him. I got four, he got pissed off and started a barroom brawl because of that.
Finally, some suit wearing idiot, I think it was the suitcase guy (mentioned in the first chapter) waddled up to me and said guess what? I’m going to jail and sounded ecstatic abo
ut it. He was ecstatic about it, and it was a really nice suit, a Versace suit made in 2004. He went around making bets gambling on sports, buying rounds of drinks ,and handing out Cuban cigars. He wanted to give out high priced Cubans to everyone and I don’t just mean cigars wink wink. Of course, I take him up on that and mess around with all the girls he pays for and I smoke the cigars too. So he goes off whooping it up and asks some random person in the street why he is so happy and the guy tells him you’re having a baby ? The guy says no I’m going to jail! (note at this point he is quite drunk). His ex wife informs him after he is in the squad car that he is in fact having a baby.
Yeah the cops let him have one last hurrah on the outside. He was acquited however of robbing the bank because the real robbers confessed. He got turned loose and had another party to celebrate his wife leaving the country. She however ended up getting the chair because she turned to crime in England. Haha just kidding, but she did leave for Europe, with annulment papers for her and her ex husband. He got the copy, signed it, and went back to partying his ass off. By the way he was 50 years old.
Fools Page 13