Ford chuckles. "That's my firecracker." He jerks his chin, and I see my reflection in the sliding glass door.
"Never let them see you suffer, right?"
"Not if you can make them suffer right back," he says in my ear. "But this next part is for us. We don't give them our pain, or our pleasure."
His hooded eyes tell me where this is headed. "Lead the way, hot stuff."
17
My Own Worst Enemy
Sin
My head is all kinds of fucked up. The feeling of being caged made me act out. My body craves release, and I can't get it where I need it.
Stupidly, I thought I could remind Raven where we stood. Show her I'm not hers, because after taking care of her I felt her softening toward me. It would be so easy for me to fall into her, to take what she's offering.
Tessa's eyes have the same shadows in them mine do. She's pushing against invisible chains, and she’s desperate to run. With her there are no complications. We both know this is only fucking. She won't be sucked into my darkness.
What I didn't anticipate was driving Raven into the arms of Ford. Her moans will be his. Her body will be pressed against him, a body I'd had tucked close to my heart only last night.
My chest feels tight, and the release I thought I needed feels like another shackle. Tessa bounces on my dick, and I try to lose myself in the sensation of her wet heat again, but I only feel disgust with myself.
There was pain on Raven's face before Ford stole her attention. It was stark, and cut me deep. I'd promised to protect her, but once again I'd failed.
Images flash through my mind without permission. Her long hair cascading over her porcelain skin. His hands roaming over her soft flesh, eliciting soft cries from her. Would she give him what should be mine?
Who am I kidding? I've guaranteed she'll never be mine, even if in the future she could have been. Another pang to my chest robs me of my breath. I hadn't even realized I held onto hope that someday if we could see our way out of the mess that is our lives she could be mine. If I were ever able to give her a slice of normal, that is.
She couldn't be with me the way I am now. A killer, a slave, someone who doesn't exist. I laugh humorlessly, of all the enemies I have, I'm the worst of them.
Tessa's moans increase. The sound grating to my ears. Wanting this over, I fuck her harder. Pushing her off of me makes more sense, but she's my punishment. Biology takes over, and as soon as I feel the walls of her pussy squeeze me, I come. The feeling is empty, and hollows me out inside.
She tries to kiss me, and this time I do push her off. "We're done," my voice sounds gritty to my ears.
Tessa shrugs. She doesn't give a shit about me. She straightens her dress and goes inside. I can't follow her. My room is next to Ford's and while I was prepared to show Raven where we stood, I'm not brave enough to face the consequences.
Laying back on the bench, the stars as my blanket, I close my eyes.
A kick to the bench has my eyes flying open. "You fucked up good this time," Shane says, glaring down at me.
"Everyone's starting to get up. This isn't going to be a good day for you." He hands me a cup of coffee, and I take it.
"We've only known her a few days, and each of us would lay our lives down for her. You hold her heart, and you throw it away. There were easier and kinder ways to show her you can't be together."
Shane's look of disapproval tells me something is going down.
"How do you know?" I ask him.
"That you fucked up? We sleep with our window open. The whole house could hear the two of you fucking on the deck. Not that there wasn't plenty of that going on inside."
My fists clench.
He sees my anger and nods. "Like I said. You fucked up. Now you're going to have to live with it. Ford is a bit rough around the edges, but he's a good guy. I hope your goal was to push her away for good, because I'd say that's what you did."
I don't ask for advice, but part of me wants to ask him how I fix it. Before I can open my mouth, yelling from inside the house grabs my attention.
"What the actual fuck is going on here!" Tessa screams.
"Go away, Tessa," Ford barks.
"Now everything is fucked," Shane mutters and turns for the house. I follow. It's time to face the consequences.
Jen glares at me from where she sits in the living room. Ted shakes his head and leads Amber outside to get away from the shouting.
"How could you?" Tessa sniffles.
Raven slips past them, wearing one of Ford's t-shirts. It hangs to the middle of her thighs. I see red.
"How could I?" Ford asks.
I realize while I was using Tessa to push Raven away, she was doing the same thing to Ford.
Tessa starts to cry, but it doesn't elicit sympathy from Ford.
Raven ducks into the bathroom, and I hear the shower kick on. Shane was right, everything is fucked.
"You ask me how I could move on? You pushed me away, over and over. Did you think I was going to wait around and take whatever scraps you sent my way and be grateful?"
Her lip quivers, and I can't drum up sympathy for her. We did this to ourselves.
"You don't love her," she whispers.
"Yeah, well loving you fucking hurts," he snaps. "And I'm going to take a chance at having something more than you are willing to give me."
His eyes catch mine and hold. There's a challenge in his gaze. "Ra–Alice is worth it. She's worth everything, and I'm not letting her go."
"I'm sorry. I messed up, but are you really willing to throw away everything?" she sobs.
"There's nothing to throw away. You set out to hurt me, just like he did to her. All you managed to do was open our eyes. Sometimes you've got to let go of something if all it does is hurt."
Panic seizes my body. I did this. His words might as well have been hers. I thought I wanted to push, but like Tessa, I stupidly thought I could pull her back.
"What now?" she asks him.
Raven steps out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel. Her chin lifts stubbornly. "Now we deal with what is. I'm sorry you're hurting Tessa. For reasons I don't understand I like you, or I did. But, neither of you get to control how we feel. You and Jackson wanted to show us we meant nothing to you. Well, consider the message received. But, just because neither of you can care about us doesn't mean we are undeserving of love. What happens between Ford and I has nothing to do with you, and it isn't your business either."
Ford reaches for her, and when she takes his hand, he pulls her to his side. He smiles down at her and tucks a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. "Go on a walk with me?"
She nods, and he goes to the room she was supposed to stay in and grabs her bag. He moves her into his room, and she lets him.
The mood has changed among everyone. We still barbecue, but conversation isn't as light and easy as last night. Ted tries to liven everyone's spirits, but his efforts lack his usual enthusiasm. Shane focuses on Jen.
Amber and Jen seem to be ignoring Tessa. They are more attentive to Raven, and working hard to make sure she feels welcome.
I want to hate Ford. It should be easy, the way he's casually touching Raven. He might not love her, yet, but he will. She's easy to love.
The thought occurs to me that it would be easy to stop whatever is growing between them. All I'd need to do is tell Lucien we need to leave. He wouldn't give her a choice. She'd be pissed, but eventually she would forgive me. Except, I've hurt her enough. I can't take away more from her.
Eventually, the bonfire dies out. Everyone takes it as a cue to head to bed. I'm in hell watching her take his hand and follow him to his room.
Not once has she spoken directly to me today. Seeing her with him hurts worse this time. I wasn't expecting it. Of course, I knew I wanted her, but I wasn't willing to admit until this moment that those feelings went beyond physical.
Funny how losing something makes you appreciate it more.
Shane hangs back while the rest of t
hem go inside. As soon as we're alone he speaks to me. "He loves Tessa. He's always loved Tessa. As much as I want to see him take this chance, the one you pissed away, it won't last. They don't love each other, and eventually they'll see that."
I nod, afraid to latch on to the hope he's dangling in front of me. I don't do feelings. You can't be a soldier in Damien's army and have emotions. But, I'm not one of his soldiers anymore. I need to stop living like one. Too bad I realized it now.
"Are you hearing me?" he asks.
"They won't last," I croak.
He nods. "What are you going to do if you get a second chance?"
"Take it," I whisper.
"Better start trying to earn it. Ford's not stupid, and Raven is pretty amazing. If anyone could make him fall, it'd be her. I have a feeling your hooks are deeper in that girl than she'd like them to be."
Hope is painful, but living without it? That's like dying slowly. I'd spent twenty-one years as a ghost. I don't deserve Raven, but maybe I could?
18
An End and A Beginning
Raven
After our first night together, Ford and I haven't done more than hold hands. He holds me as we sleep, but there's no need for him in the middle of the night, and he doesn't reach for me.
I wake up on our last night and find him watching me sleep. A sad smile is on his face.
"What are you thinking about?" I ask him and brush a lock of his hair out of his eyes.
"I don't want to hurt you," he whispers and flops onto his back.
"I know."
"Do you feel like we're forcing something that isn't here?" His voice is quiet, and sad.
"I want to love you. You are everything I would have wanted if someone asked me–"
"Before you met him," he finishes for me.
"We deserve each other. Why can't we just choose this?" I ask. I'm not sure if the question is for him, or for me.
"Because love is irrational. I hate her, but I love her. I won't hurt you like he has. I do love you, Raven."
"Just not the way both of us need you to."
"I'm sorry," he says.
I roll over to face him. "Don't be. I love Sin, and I hate him. I don't regret what happened between us though. Yeah, it was motivated by our pain, but you were there for me in a way no one ever has been."
His brow creases. "Shit, that wasn't your first time, was it?"
"Would it matter?" I ask.
"Yeah, but only because you deserved better."
"Don't worry about it then. I might have been sent to an all girls school, but the headmaster's son was around a lot."
"You really are a firecracker, aren't you?"
I bump him with my shoulder. "Don't you forget it."
"What do we do next?" he asks me.
"Fuck if I know," I reply. "Let's just be. We don't need to label this, or explain it."
"I'm not up for friends with benefits. That's how Tessa has always treated me, and I won't go down that path again."
Cocking my head to the side, I sigh. "I really wish I could love you. You're kinda amazing. I've got a label for you."
"What is it?"
"Want to be my best friend, Ford?"
He smiles, and the sadness disappears from his eyes. "I'd say we have to be." He grows serious again. "I did want you the other night. It wasn't about them. You're beautiful. That thing you did with your tongue is probably going to feature in some fantasies of mine for a while. That might be a bit outside of best friend territory."
I laugh so hard my ribs begin to ache. "I'm going to miss your abs."
"This is going to be the weirdest friendship I've ever had," he says, joining me in laughing.
"See, Shane can't claim this. He has no idea what magic you can do with your cock."
"Are you sure?" he teases.
I wave my hand in front of my face to quiet my laughter, but it doesn't work. Tears spring to my eyes, and I bury my face in the pillow to try and stop the hysteria.
"Oh god, I'm going to pee," I say between bursts of laughing.
He shoves me. "Go, dork."
I climb out of bed and make my way to the door. "Raven," he calls out, stopping me with my hand on the knob.
"Hmm?"
"Come back after you use the bathroom."
I nod. This is definitely going to be a weird friendship.
After I use the restroom, I crawl back into bed with Ford, and he lifts his arm for me to settle next to him. "This is another thing Shane and I don't do. He insists on being big spoon, and obviously I'm supposed to be."
"Go to sleep, doofus."
"I prefer when you call me, hot stuff."
"I bet you do."
His arm rests around my waist, and not once does it move seeking more.
A loud scream jolts me out of sleep. It's three A.M., and my heart starts to race.
"What is that?" Ford asks groggily.
The sound of thrashing and pained groans penetrate the walls. My hand goes to my throat.
"Do you think they found me?" I ask. The terror in my voice can't be masked.
In the moonlight I see Ford shake his head. "Shane's grandpa is a bit paranoid. There are sensors set up all around the perimeter, along with motion lights."
"Ford, my father would know how to get around those."
He nods, and opens the drawer next to his bed. He grabs a flashlight.
I grab his arm to stop him. "You can't bring a flashlight as a weapon."
"There's a shotgun in every closet in this house. I'm just going to get it and take a look around."
The strangled shouting comes again, but this time I recognize it's coming from Sin's room.
"We aren't in danger," I say, knowing what's going on. "He has night terrors."
"Can you help him?" he asks. If I wondered before if he meant what he'd said earlier in the night, I was sure now. He wants us to be friends and nothing more.
"Yeah. I think so. Are you okay with this?" I still need to make sure. Sin has hurt me over and over. I want to go to him, but I won't do it if it hurts Ford.
He scratches his hand through his hair. "You know, I was afraid after we talked that I'd regret not pursuing more with you, but I guess I'm sure now. I don't want you to get hurt, though."
I smile at him, and kiss his cheek. "You really are amazing."
"Don't forget I have a magic cock," he teases.
"Oh, believe me, bestie, I won't be forgetting that any time soon." I blow him a kiss on my way to the door.
Sin is directly next door, and I hear his whimpers in the hallway. Shane comes down the stairs holding a flashlight and a shotgun. "Raven?" he asks.
"It's Sin. He has night terrors," I explain.
"Will he hurt you?"
I shake my head. "No."
He nods and goes back up the stairs. I turn the knob and my heart breaks again watching Sin fight demons in his dreams.
Crawling onto his bed, I sit still next to him. The last thing I want to do is startle him in his sleep. He told me the first time he had them that I shouldn't touch him in the middle of one.
"Sin," I whisper. He doesn't hear me and continues to thrash around.
"Sin," I say a bit louder. Still, he doesn't pull out of the battle his mind is waging.
I pull back the covers tangled around him and lay down, still careful not to touch him. It's like he senses me in his sleep and pulls me into his chest.
His hand moves under my shirt, just enough to feel my skin. He inhales deeply, and I feel his body relax into me.
When his breathing evens out I let mine do the same.
I feel the moment he begins to wake, and not just because his very impressive erection is digging into my backside. We aren't heading in that direction, not yet at least. I don't trust him yet, and it's only been a couple days since I was with Ford. Sin might be who I want, but I won't give him me until he proves himself.
"Am I dreaming?" he asks himself. The tip of his nose trails up my neck.
I guess he's not as awake as I thought. I should do something to wake him up the rest of the way, but my brain fogs as he kisses a trail up my neck. The hand that has rested on my stomach moves north and starts to massage my breast. His other hand joins the fun and slips into my panties.
I'm going to stop him. Any second my mouth will start working again and I'll stop him. His fingers find my mound, and his middle finger starts teasing my clit.
"Feels so real," he murmurs, still hanging onto the last dregs of sleep.
His breathing grows shallow, and his finger slips inside of me. It feels so good, but not like this. Not until he's willing to give me more than these stolen moments when his mind isn't working overtime.
"Sin, stop," I say, but it comes out more like a moan.
He freezes, and I wait for the moment he realizes what he's doing and pushes me away.
"Raven?" his voice is hoarse, and no longer holds the dreamy quality of sleep.
"What are you doing in here?" He's hesitant.
A shiver overcomes my body, because he hasn't moved his hands.
"Can you move your hands?" I can't have this conversation with him fucking me with his fingers.
"Mmmm, sure," he says, and does the opposite of what I asked. Or maybe he chose to misinterpret what I said.
A second finger slips inside of me, and the heel of his hand presses against my clit. With his other hand he pinches and tugs at my nipple causing me to gasp.
"Like this?" he breathes into my neck. "You're in my bed. Is this what you came for? Do you need to come, princess?"
God, do I. Shaking takes over my body, and I'm teetering on the edge.
"I hate that you fucked him," he says against my neck, just below my ear.
"I hate that you fucked her and made me watch."
"I hate myself for that too. But if you're here with me, I'm not letting you go now."
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