Pretty Monsters

by Kimberly Carrillo

  "Until you push me away again."

  "Are you with him?"

  I could lie, but I won't use Ford like that. "Would I be here with you if I was?"

  "I'd deserve it," he whispers.

  "But he wouldn't," I reply.

  His fingers move faster, and all reason slips my head. We shouldn't be doing this. It's too fast, too much, and yet, I'm powerless to stop it.

  "You're mine."

  "Only if you are mine," I toss back at him.

  "I am. I'm so fucking sorry, princess. I can't promise I won't screw up, but I'll never hurt you like that again."

  "Can we maybe have this discussion when you don't have your fingers inside me?"

  "When will we find the time? I'm going to be touching you a lot, Raven. Are you ready for that?"

  "Yes," I moan.

  He focuses on the sounds I make, even though I've turned my face into the pillow to muffle them. "No wonder I thought I was dreaming. You are a fantasy come to life."

  Finding a spot deep inside of me, he presses against it, and I go off. My chest heaves into his hand, and the walls of my pussy clamp down on his fingers. I want to scream my release, but I bite my lip instead.

  "Fucking perfect," he whispers.

  I shudder when he pulls his fingers out of me. My mouth falls open when he puts them in his mouth, sucking me off them. "I'm going to taste you soon. When we're alone, so you can scream as loud as you want," he promises.

  "We're heading back today. Are you ready to be around your brother again?" he asks after several minutes pass.

  "I think so. Are you going to push me away again when he demands it?" The insecurity in my voice pisses me off.

  He kisses the side of my head, more tender than I'd ever experienced from him. "No. I'm done fighting this. All I've done is hurt you and myself. I'm not used to having feelings. I'm sorry I haven't handled them well. What happened with Ford?"

  I turn to look at him, my eyebrows raised.

  "Not that. I don't want details, but why are you with me now?"

  My shoulders drop. I'm not one to slut shame, but it's hard not to turn judgement on myself. "We were hurting, and for that night we found comfort in each other."

  "You've been in his bed for the last three nights, Raven." He isn't accusing, but wary.

  "I'm not going to lie, we both wanted it to mean more, become more, but it just didn't. Last night we both agreed we were friends and nothing more. Best friends even."

  He frowns. "I'm not sure I can handle that."

  "Tough shit." My glare lets him know I'm not willing to budge. "I'm not in love with him, but I do love him. I'm still mad at you, and if you have a problem with Ford, deal with it. He and I were becoming friends already, but you and Tessa created a bond that won't be broken now."

  "What is he going to think about us? How will he be your friend now? There's no way he's just going to give you up, I don't care what promises you made each other."

  "Sin, he's the one who told me to go to you. He saw that I wanted to, but he also knew I wouldn't hurt him the way the two of you hurt us. He loves Tessa, and that's not something you can force away."

  "I'm going to hate watching you with him," he admits.

  "Not as much as you would have if he and I were able to make it work. Because I wanted it to work, bad. You left me bleeding, and he was there."

  "Can you forgive me?"

  "I'm working on it," I tell him.

  "I'll earn it," he promises.

  "Make sure you do, because this is the last chance I can give you."

  19

  Epiphany

  Sin

  Raven falls back to sleep in my bed. She's still recovering from her concussion, and it makes me feel even shittier about the stress I've put her through. I'll never forget the look of pain on her face when she watched me with Tessa.

  I didn't get it before that moment. I'm used to people wanting me for my body. Not that I'm a particularly introspective person, but I'm starting to see why people go to therapy. Emotional and mental trauma leave scars like any other kind of damage. Being owned, treated as a thing, and used as the people who controlled me saw fit have left its mark on me.

  Never once has it occurred to me there could be something about me someone would desire beyond carefully cultivated muscles. When I saw the want in Raven's eyes I reduced it to every look I'd ever received. It made me feel dirty in a way I'd never thought to examine. It just was.

  At first I sympathized with her. It might have been couched in different terms, arranged marriage, but the reality was Raven was being sold. It started before that though. The couple of times she snuck out I sensed her loneliness, and it called to me.

  The attraction, though, I didn't know how to handle that, and I didn't do a good job of it. I'm lucky she's giving me another chance, but I'm terrified of fucking it up again. I'm not a gentle man. I'm not loving. I reacted the only way I knew how.

  I want to hold on to her. Need it in fact. How do I reconcile this need to possess her, while managing the self loathing I have? The fear she'll see me, really see me, and find that she doesn't want me for the way I am paralyzes me.

  Growing up, I never knew love or kindness. There are hazy memories of a hand holding mine, someone smiling down at me, but they disappear. What I know is someone didn't deem me worthy of keeping, not even of finding a family who would love me. I was sold to a monster so I could be turned into one.

  Doesn't that say I'm not worthy of being loved? Did my parents see something so ugly inside of me that they threw me away? When I saw the adoring looks she gave me, the only thing I knew to do was crush it before I could see it change on its own.

  "You're thinking awfully hard over there," Ford interrupts my thoughts. He stands near the coffee maker, a cup waiting ready for it to be done percolating.

  He pulls another cup from the cabinet and holds it out. I nod. I slept, but not restfully.

  "Did you two make up?" he asks. Not a hint of jealousy in his tone.

  "I don't understand you," I mutter.

  "I imagine you wouldn't. Look, we all let this situation get royally fucked. I should blame you for what happened with Tessa, but it wasn't the first time she's pulled that shit."

  Remorse is a foreign feeling for me. I should be familiar with it. I've killed people, but I never feel bad for doing it. I saw their victims, proof Lucien always made sure to provide me with, and I went in as an avenging angel. I feel it now.

  "I didn't know there was something going on between you and Tessa."

  He shakes his head. "There is and there isn't. We aren't together, never have been, but she knows how I feel. Sometimes she draws me in, but she pushes me away just as fast. I'm more pissed at you for what you did to Raven. But in a way I understand."

  "There's no way you could," I breathe out.

  He crosses his arms and glares at me. "There's more than one way to break a person. Having parents doesn't always mean a person grows up knowing love."

  He sighs, and relaxes his defensive posture. "Believe me or not, but I do understand what it's like to feel not good enough. There was a time when Tessa was open to being with me, but I pretty much did all the same shit you're doing now. Look where it's gotten me."

  "You would have been better for Raven." It hurts to admit, but it's true.

  "Nah," he dismisses. "She deserves to be loved wholly. I can't do that until I can push Tessa out of my heart. And I know now that I deserve the same, and Raven loves you."

  I stumble and catch myself on the back of the couch. His eyes narrow. "It's scary as fuck when you realize that you love and are loved in return. Especially for guys like us who've been taught from an early age they aren't worth anything. If you fuck this up, all you do is prove whoever made you think that right. Don't you think those bastards have stolen enough?"

  "Who was yours?" This is the most he's shared about his past. He already knows that Damien is the one who made me what I am.

  "My fat
her, but the how and why isn't something I'm really open about."

  I nod, understanding him. "I could kill him for you."

  He chuckles. "You're a terrifying asshole sometimes. Besides, there's no point. He's working on putting himself six feet under. He gets closer every day."

  Remorse hits me again. Ford isn't a bad guy, and if I were different, and if he hadn't slept with Raven, I think we could have even been friends.

  He smirks. "I can see you over there fighting the fact that you want to like me. You might still hate me as time goes on."

  My muscles tense. "Are you planning to make another play for her? She said you two talked and realized it wasn't there."

  He nods. "My relationship with her isn't sexual. Anymore at least."

  He's right, I might still hate him. How he can find the humor in this fucked up situation is beyond me. Backtracking, I pick out a key phrase, my relationship. "What do you mean, your relationship?"

  The sound of footsteps comes around the corner. Raven stretches, and I'm glad to see she's added a pair of my sweats to go along with Ford's t-shirt. Something I very much hate seeing on her.

  "Morning, hot stuff," she chirps at Ford. He smiles adoringly at her, and there it is, the rage.

  "Morning, firecracker," he says and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.

  Their affection has an intimacy I hate. It lays bare the fact they know each other completely, and in a way I haven't been acquainted with her yet.

  I'm shaking and about to lose my shit when she looks up at me and blushes. A foreign feeling washes over me, the need to claim her. I open my arms, and she steps right into me.

  The others begin to enter the main part of the cabin, like they were all waiting for the tension to pass. Likely, they were.

  Shane strolls in, sees Raven in my arms, and nods with satisfaction. Ted and Amber come in, holding hands and talking quickly. They are followed by Jen and Tessa.

  Tessa looks back and forth between Raven and I, and Ford, and her brow furrows. "So everything is back to normal?"

  "No," I say. I look down at Raven. "It won't be like that ever again."

  "Promise?" she whispers.

  "Yeah," I manage through a tightness in my throat.

  "You're okay with this?" she asks Ford.

  His head rolls back, and he works kinks out of his neck. Like her presence alone causes his muscles to tighten up. "Jackson is right. We aren't going back to normal." He turns to everyone else. "I'm sorry that everything got so fucked up on this trip. The four of us kinda ruined everything for the rest of you, but I'm fine, really. Besides, if that shit hadn't gone down, Jackson here wouldn't have had the balls to claim his woman, and I wouldn't have my new best friend."

  "Fuck off, I'm your best friend," Shane grumbles.

  Ford and Raven share a look and crack up.

  "Do I want to know what that was about?" I ask nervously.

  "No," they both say in unison and start laughing again.

  "This best friend thing is going to be really annoying, isn't it?" I ask.

  "Yup," they once again say together.

  "I don't like it," Shane agrees with me.

  "It's that thing he does with his hips, isn't it?" Jen asks, and Raven blushes.

  "Baby," Shane whines. "We agreed you'd forget the fact you and Ford ever dated.”

  She laughs and kisses him on the cheek. "No, you said it and I didn't say anything. I love you to the moon, but there are some things a girl gets to keep for herself."

  "This is an incestuous little group," I mumble.

  "Yeah, well welcome to it. We've all pretty much slept with Ford," Shane bitches.

  Ted raises his hand. "I haven't."

  Ford chuckles.

  Ted looks at Amber. "Really?"

  "Chill, dude. Recall that cheerleader you hooked up with last year?" Ford reminds him.

  "Aw, man, she told me she was a virgin."

  "I'm pretty sure she told you that to make you feel better about it being your first time," Shane comments.

  "The two of you are way too much alike," Raven says to me.

  "Looks like we know your type," Jen teases.

  Amber giggles. "Yep, hot and tortured."

  Ford and I both wince.

  "Well this got really fucking uncomfortable. How bout we hit the road before we share any more," Shane demands.

  Jen and Shane appear to be the only ones dressed and ready. They're pretty much the only real functional adults in this group.

  "I'm going to make breakfast while everyone gets ready. After we eat and clean up we can get going," Jen announces.

  Ford lifts his hands in prayer. "Pancakes please?"

  "Whatever you want," she tells him and kisses him on the cheek.

  Shane grunts and looks at me. "Sometimes I want to punch him in the face, and he's my best friend. You'll get used to it." He slaps me on the back and moves outside to close up the grill and the hot tub.

  The closer we get back to Playa Pacifica, the more tense Raven gets. The few days we spent away didn't exactly allow her to relax like we'd intended.

  She trades places with Ted in the car so she can sit next to me and not be in the back with Tessa. They came to a truce, but I doubt there will ever be a close friendship there.

  I reach out and take her hand. "Are you afraid to go back to the apartment with Lucien?" We should have talked about this and come up with a plan. If anything it is going to be worse now, because there is no way he isn't going to notice the shift between us.

  She nods. "We need to talk to him."

  I tense. He isn't exactly open minded, and there's still the small matter of the fact he seems to view Raven along the same lines their father does. I believe him when he says he doesn't agree with arranging her marriage, but he seemed to view her virginity as an asset, and didn't respond well to learning she had lost it years ago.

  Ford turns around from the front seat. "You think there's going to be a problem?"

  I nod. He and Shane share a glance. "We're coming with you," Ford says.

  "I don't think that's necessary," Raven starts to argue.

  "Good," I agree. "Look," I pause and shove my hand through my hair. Trusting outsiders is hard. From the time I should have been in kindergarten I've been learning to live in the shadows and not bring normals into our world. But, Damien has an army, and it can't just be me and Raven against them if Lucien turns on us.

  I continue, "I don't want to drag any of you into this mess. It will be deadly for any of you if he finds out you know anything."

  "Like the fact her name isn't Alice?" Tessa adds from the backseat.

  My jaw clenches. I don't trust her. Yeah, I fucked her, but she did it to fuck over Ford. Her actions don't scream loyalty.

  "Don't give me that look, Jackson," she admonishes. "If that's even your name. I know I screwed up, and while I've done some shitty things, I would never, ever do anything to risk the safety of anyone in this car."

  "My name is Jackson." I can give her that at least.

  "Really, because she doesn't seem to feel comfortable calling you that. Ugh, what is your name anyway?"

  "Raven. And I don't call him Jackson, I usually call him Sin." she replies.

  Tessa laughs. "It fits. Why Sin?"

  "My name, as far as I know at least, is Jackson Sinclair. Did all of you know her name wasn't Alice?" I ask.

  Most of them shrug.

  Ford turns around again. "Told you she's a shit liar."

  Jen leans forward, worried. "What exactly is going on? And what do you mean ‘as far as you know’ about your name?"

  While I'm considering what to share, Raven answers. "My father is pretty much one of the most vile humans on the planet. If it's illegal, he traffics it, including people, like Sin. He wants to run for governor to cement his power and immunity from prosecution. The current governor has an anti-organized crime task force, and he's one of the only ones with the balls to try and take him down. In order to finance his
campaign and who knows what other purposes, he planned to marry me off to a thirty something guy who's father apparently likes to torture and kill his wives."

  "Yeah, fuck you guys," Tessa mumbles. "Seriously, you weren't going to trust me thinking I'd sell her out? No way I'm going to stand by and let one of us be sold like cattle so a man can obtain more power."

  "Tessa is a feminist," Jen explains.

  "Damn straight," she admits. "I'm in. And when you bring him down, because you have to, I'll do what I can to help the trafficking victims. I've volunteered with a group that helps people deal with trauma."

  "Okay, so we feel out Raven's brother–" Shane begins.

  "Lucien," Raven supplies.

  "Lucien," he continues. "What's the back up plan if he doesn't respond right?”

  "We hide them back up at the cabin until we can come up with something else," Ford says.

  My head hangs down for a moment before coming back up. They don't belong in this world of darkness and deceit. "One problem. If he doesn't respond the way we want, everyone you know will have to hide. Lucien is a trained killer, and a capable hacker. If he finds you, he'll get the information he needs and it won't be pretty."

  "Do you really think he'd go that far?" Raven's voice is sad and uncertain.

  "Before you got hurt, I'd have said hell no. I need to look into his face and tell him about us. Then we'll see."

  20

  Confrontation

  Raven

  My hands shake as we climb the stairs to our apartment. Sin is ahead of me, while Ford and Shane follow behind me. The truck is in the parking lot, so it appears Lucien hasn't left for work yet.

  Sin uses the key and lets us into the apartment. Lucien sits on the sofa, his bed put away, watching a television he must have picked up while we were gone.

  When he sees us, he grabs the remote and turns it off. I search his face for regret, anger, sadness, I'm not actually sure. Some sign he feels something, but all I see is a blank mask. It hits me how little I know my own brother.