Faramond gave her a small nod. “Rest well, Athena.”
She did not rest well. She flung herself into bed, drawing all of the blankets up to her neck, shivering. Athena's bedroom was freezing, or was it her heart? She felt exposed like she had the night in the forest. Except now, somehow, she felt worse. Now, she couldn't confide in her best friend. Now, she felt utterly alone. She began to sob into the pillow, not even trying to contain it. The image of Tobin being dragged away was forever seared into her mind.
When sleep finally came, it did nothing to take away the pain. In fact, it made the pain worse. Athena's nightmares were consuming, more powerful, more violent than ever before. And vivid. She saw Tobin screaming in agony as if he were being tortured, as if he were dying. She saw him cowering in fear, shaking in terror at something invisible to her. He dropped his sword, beginning to run as fast as his feet would carry him. He didn't get far; something grabbed him, tearing him apart. His mangled body laid lifeless, scarlet blood splayed on gray dirt.
The image of Tobin suddenly turned into Athena's parents, also screaming, their blood spattering and spewing on the ground as mercenaries slashed at them. Athena felt her mother's fingertips against hers for a brief moment before the image faded away, being replaced by something equally horrendous.
Dark shadows seeped into Athena's bedroom through the window, under the door, and up above the cracks in the floorboards. Darkness swallowed the room, making it impossible to see. The air grew thick, constricting Athena's breath. She was blind, and she couldn't breathe, suffocating against the black fog. She began to choke, coughing and sputtering, gasping for breath. And then… silence.
Athena bolted awake, nearly vomiting. The expressions of horror, the crimson blood, it was too real. It didn't feel like a nightmare, it felt like reality. She could still hear the sounds of her loved one's screams. She could still smell blood. She could still feel the shadows closing in on her. Athena could remember every detail, every little detail of her nightmares. No disjointed images, nothing blurry, everything clear and at the front of her mind, completely fresh. It was as if it had all just happened.
But it hadn't. Athena's parents had been murdered fourteen years earlier. And there was no way she could remember it. Tobin was still alive; he'd only left hours ago. And there were no shadows in Athena's room, except for her silhouette when she sat up, showing against the wall.
Go to sleep. Stop thinking and just sleep. Athena stared at the wall for several minutes, eyes wide open. She couldn't shake the horrific images. Every time she blinked, she saw Tobin's mutilated body or blood pouring into the dirt. She shivered, trying to get more warmth from her blankets. They seemed icy cold.
Sleep, Athena. She was afraid. She didn't want to experience those nightmares again. She didn't want to remember them. How funny it was, Athena had spent years wanting to know what her nightmares consisted of. Once, she'd thought that if she knew, she'd be able to somehow stop them from happening. Now she knew better. There was no stopping them. There was no controlling them. The nightmares controlled Athena.
No matter how badly she wanted to stay awake, exhaustion won. Athena fell into a restless, terrifying sleep, experiencing the nightmares all over again. This time, the images moved by more slowly, torturously so. Tobin's body lay in front of her, and she couldn't look away. It was if someone was holding her eyes open, forcing her to stare at the bloody mess. Tobin's skin was so pale while his blood was so bright. It was beautiful in a twisted, gruesome way. King Landgrave would revel in it. The Shadow would love it.
When Athena's parents finally faded into the scene, their murder was played out, longer, more disgusting. Athena had never seen anything like it. She'd hunted animals. She knew what it was like to see something die. But she had always been merciful, always careful to ensure the animal's death was swift, as painless as possible. She thanked them after killing them, grateful to have something to eat.
The mercenaries who murdered her parents were not careful. They were not kind. They were killing for sport, and for whatever compensation their brutal king would give them. They laughed at the shedding of blood, smiled as her parent's screamed. They were pure evil. And Athena had to watch, helpless, not being able to save the people she loved.
Morning finally came, taking the nightmares away, but Athena felt no better. She wondered if she'd ever feel better. If relief would ever come. As winter spread, and the days grew shorter, Athena grew more and more grim. Even if the nightmares weren't explicit in the day time, she could still sense their presence. A foreboding feeling took over her, invading her thoughts and overwhelming her life.
Athena trained with Faramond, but her heart was not in it. She drifted through lessons, not really absorbing anything. It was like she was already failing at being the guardian. Athena couldn't overcome her own depression enough to relieve the depression of an entire kingdom. If she couldn't save herself, how would she ever save anybody?
Faramond kept encouraging her to try harder, be stronger, do whatever she could to carry on. But how could she carry on when there was such a heavy weight dragging her down? Everywhere she went, she was reminded of nightmares, reminded of Tobin, reminded of her own destiny. The destiny she never asked for. She never asked for this life. She couldn't take the advice she'd given Elsie and Mara. She'd told them they could do anything.
It was a lie.
Shadows crept into the corners of Athena's minds, clouding her. An endless darkness swept in but never left, an uninvited guest. And Athena couldn't get rid of it. She was trapped. Faramond couldn't help. Jermyn and Laguna couldn't help. And most of all, Tobin couldn't help. Tobin was gone. He was far away now, preparing for an unjust war. Preparing to fight for the enemy, without even knowing it.
I need my friend. Athena had been fooling herself thinking she could go on without Tobin. It felt like he was dead already. It felt like she would never see him again. It was the worst feeling in the world. She needed him, but she couldn't have him. She couldn't be with him. She couldn't talk to him, or even see him. Tobin was gone. Athena had to accept it. But she couldn't. It was impossible.
Whatever evil there was, was getting undeniably closer to Athena. It had to be. How else could she be sinking this low? She had spiraled into a deep depression and even though she wanted to dig her way out, something held her back. Something was keeping her from fulfilling her role as Guardian of the Kingdom. The Shadow was fighting against her, and it was winning.
Athena was weakening by the day. Not only was there a lack of food available, but she had no appetite. Days went by where she ate absolutely nothing. She only ate if someone forced her to. Her hair was brittle and dry, cheeks sunken, and eyes drained of color. Athena looked like a walking corpse. Her clothing hung awkwardly on her thin frame, and her bones jutted out eerily. It was evident that she was extremely unhealthy, but no one could help.
Jermyn and Laguna did their best. They forced Athena out of bed every morning. They spoon-fed her when she refused to eat by herself. They talked to her, trying to motivate her, trying to encourage her. It did no good. They were watching as she withered away.
The nightmares grew more violent, more disgusting every night. They seemed to never end, only worsen. No matter what Athena did, she couldn't escape. The nightmares followed her everywhere.
You promised, Athena. You promised to save the kingdom. For Tobin's sake. For his family. For all of the innocent people who need you. You can't give up. You haven't even tried.
“I want to die,” Athena whispered.
No, you don't. You want to live. You want to live to see this world repaired. You need to save the people you love. You can't die.
“I can't live either.”
Yes you can. If you don't save the kingdom, no one will.
Athena began to cry. “Okay.” She gripped her dagger. “Okay.”
When Faramond saw her in his doorway, he smiled. “Shall we train?”
Athena threw the dagger at a target on the
wall, hitting it square in the middle. “Yes,” she breathed.
Chapter 7
The days passed by painfully slowly. Every morning was a fight. It took every ounce of Athena's energy to do anything. There was a constant force pushing her, weighing her down. It was stealing and draining her energy, usurping it. She could feel a darkness trying to crush her, trying to suffocate her until she was truly dead.
Athena's nightmares grew increasingly worse, to the point where she remembered every gruesome, gritty, detail. They went on and on, playing through her mind all night, every night. She never got any peace, not even for a few minutes.
And yet, Athena fought on. She had made a promise to save the kingdom. She had to save it for Tobin's sake. And for all of the thousands of innocent people. If Athena didn't save the kingdom, no one would. It would be consumed by darkness and swallowed by evil. King Landgrave would destroy everything Athena loved. No matter how miserable Athena felt, she had to do something. She had to carry on.
Every weapons lesson, every meditation session, every time Athena had to throw a dagger or knife, was painful. To think she was training to kill living people was brutal. She'd never get used to it. Thinking of her targets as humans was nearly unbearable. She couldn't imagine murdering someone.
“It isn't murder,” Faramond repeated for the dozenth time in less than a week, watching as Athena's hand shook with the knife held between her fingers. “Think of them as the animals you kill in the forest.”
“They aren't animals,” Athena said, voice trembling. “They're human beings.”
Faramond sighed. “You'll be killing evil people, human beings who deserve death.”
“Does anyone deserve death, Faramond? Is anyone so truly evil that they deserve to die?”
Athena knew the answer. Of course some people deserved death. King Landgrave deserved it. He was greedy; his lust for power caused him to become twisted and dark. He sold his soul to the Shadow, putting his own kingdom in peril in order to sate his own thirst. King Landgrave willingly put thousands of lives at risk, just to ensure he'd be able to keep his power. He was going to let all of the men in his kingdom perish for the Shadow. He was going to let all of the women in the kingdom starve to death. Landgrave was not the peaceful, good leader, Athena had once thought he was. He was no king. He was a tyrant. And yet, Athena found it hard to wish death upon him. At the moment, the only person she wished death on was herself.
The knife dropped from Athena's fingers, clanking on the floor. She was physically improving, managing to eat more, putting on a layer of muscle from training, but mentally, she was only worsening. Athena was in a pit of despair, with no relief. Jermyn couldn't help. Laguna couldn't help. Faramond couldn't help. No one could bring Athena back to life. She was slipping, and only the thoughts of her kingdom kept her living. Bringing Tobin back to his family was the only thing keeping her from ending her life completely.
“Did you hear me, Athena?”
She slowly looked upwards, realizing she'd gotten lost in her mind. That happened a lot lately. Sometimes, Athena wondered whether everything was a nightmare. Maybe this life was nothing but a nightmare she'd eventually wake up from. She'd eventually wake up and everything would be normal. Everything would be okay. Tobin would be here. King Landgrave would be a good ruler. There would be no shadows covering the land. Athena would be happy. But seeing Faramond's concerned face brought her to reality. Cold reality.
“Did you hear me?” Faramond asked again.
“Sorry,” Athena mumbled.
“There are great evils in this world, Athena. Evil deserves no mercy. When you destroy evil, you aren't murdering, you're helping.”
Athena wanted to vomit. She clutched her stomach, grabbing onto the table. Faramond touched her shoulder, as if to steady her. Being forced to eat without an appetite often made her queasy. But Athena wasn't physically ill, she was thinking of killing. Taking the lives of animals in the forest was easy. She only killed them for food, for sustenance. They were sacrificed so she and the people she loved could live. Killing a human didn't provide anything. Except guilt.
“Has meditating helped at all?” Faramond asked, bringing Athena a glass of water. Faramond had already spent hours trying to teach Athena to meditate. She hadn't been
successful yet. She couldn't clear her mind or let go of anything. She couldn't leave her fears and worries behind. She couldn't leave her sadness behind. There was a constant ache in her heart making it impossible to meditate.
“It hasn't helped,” Athena said softly.
“Have you even had any success getting it to work?”
Athena could hear the slight irritation in Faramond's voice. The fact that he was able to remain just this calm was a miracle. If Athena were him, she would have given up long ago. She was already giving up on herself.
“I can't meditate, Faramond.”
“Stop telling me you can't do things,” Faramond said, still calm. “I don't want to hear that again.”
“Fine. I'm having trouble meditating,” Athena snapped. “I'm struggling.”
“You won't meditate. You're refusing to.”
Athena stared at Faramond. She was easily frustrated by him. He angered her. And yet, he spoke the truth. He always did, and Athena had finally learned to accept it. Faramond was no drunken fool; he was perhaps the wisest person in Edgehill. And even though he was infuriating, Athena had to listen to him. She couldn't even put up a fight. He was right. Athena could meditate, but she didn't want to.
“Why do you refuse?” Faramond asked.
“Because I'm afraid that if I shut my mind, I'll never be able to open it again.”
“Why does that scare you?”
“I'll be stuck in a dream instead of a nightmare. I won't ever want to leave it.”
“You're afraid that you won't fulfill your destiny because you'll be living in some fantasy land?” Faramond chuckled and shook his head. “Athena, meditation isn't an escape. It's simply relief. Temporary comfort and rest. It won't solve any of your problems, but it will help your sanity. Haven't you paid attention to my lessons?”
“I've tried, Faramond. I promise you I've tried to listen. I've tried to do everything you said, and I can't-”
“Don't say it,” Faramond said. “You can. If you want to keep your sanity, you'll have to.” Athena picked up the knife and thrust it into the target on the wall, hitting it directly in the
middle. A perfect throw. She imagined the target as her own sanity, and she had just shattered it.
“I'm going home.”
“You'd better practice meditating.”
“I don't need meditation, I need medication.”
Faramond rolled his eyes. “Don't you dare drink any alcohol.”
Athena unsheathed a dagger from under her cloak and threw it next to Faramond's head. It narrowly missed, grazing his cheek and lodging itself into the wall. Faramond frowned. “I'll be at the bakery tomorrow morning. Those circles under your eyes had better be smaller.”
Athena walked out the door without saying anything. She held her lantern in front of her, moving through the dark town. A few soldiers eyed her, looking her up and down. Their eyes held no suspicion, only lust. It was disgusting. Athena quickly made her way back to the bakery, one hand on the dagger under her cloak. If any of these men laid a finger on her, she'd slice that finger right off.
But I can't kill them. She wouldn't kill them. There was too much mercy in her heart, even for those who didn't deserve it. Athena wondered if she'd be able to kill King Landgrave if he stood in front of her. Her hands shook and a chill ran up her spine. Was there really a difference between killing and murdering?
In her nightmares, Athena stood over a crumpled body, her own hands bloodied and scarlet. She held a sword, dipped in crimson. She had just killed. Suddenly, the body began to move, the head twisting around, craning its neck to face her. Its eyes were completely black, horrific looking, soulless. And then they flooded with blue. I
t was Tobin. She'd just killed her best friend.
Athena awoke, panting heavily, gasping for breath. It wasn't real, but it had certainly felt that way. It never could be real. It was impossible. Tobin was one of the few reasons why Athena still carried on. She would never end his life; she would never have a reason to.
When she finally drifted back to sleep, the scene with Tobin faded away, revealing Athena's parents. Her stomach dropped. Once again, Athena was holding a stained sword. Blood dripped from it, making little droplets on the ground. They looked an awful lot like tears. But no tears fell from Athena's face. She stood pensive, emotionless, not even looking at the two dead figures before her.
How could you do this? You're a monster! But Athena continued to stand, slowly swinging the sword back and forth as blood dripped down it. The lifeless figures began to stir, their heads turning and eyes opening. Black. Soulless. Dark.
Athena's mother's eyes began to turn green. They were greener than the summer forest, verdant and vibrant, more vibrant than Athena's own eyes had ever been. For a moment, they were full of life. And then the black reappeared, the eyes closed, and the woman's body went limp. Athena looked at her father. He too was still. A bitter wind began to howl, singing a lament. Athena was utterly alone, still holding the sword. Still focusing on nothing, as if she had no care in the world. As if she hadn't just shed the blood of her own parents.
Monster.
This time, Athena did not wake up. She continued to sleep, going from nightmare to nightmare, powerless, helpless. Over and over again, she was forced to watch herself murder the people she loved. And over and over again, there was no remorse, not even the faintest hint of guilt. The Athena in the nightmares was a merciless killer. She was inhuman. Consumed by the Shadow.
A real monster.
When morning finally came, Athena felt no relief. The black eyes of her dead loved ones still haunted her in the daylight. She could feel the sword in her hand, cold and metallic, with warm blood dripping down it.
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