“How are you?” Jermyn asked, standing in the doorway, holding a tiny piece of bread, a leftover from the day before. He sighed. “Never mind. I know what you're going to say. Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?”
“Can you stop nightmares?” Athena asked.
“I promise you, Athena, if I could, I'd suffer those nightmares myself if it meant you wouldn't have to.” Jermyn smiled. “I'd do anything for my only grandchild.”
“Thank you, Grandfather.” Athena rubbed her tired face and stretched, realizing she'd slept in too late. Faramond would certainly be annoyed.
“Faramond is downstairs,” Jermyn said. “He's going to eat the rest of our food if you don't get down there.”
“He's going to be mad at me,” Athena said. “I didn't meditate. I didn't even try. I'm failing at everything I'm supposed to be doing.”
“You're not failing.” Jermyn handed Athena the bread. “I've seen you throwing daggers and knives. I've seen you shoot targets with the bow and arrow. I've seen you running, despite your injuries-”
“My feet are fine now,” Athena said, though that wasn't true. It had been nearly two weeks since her night in the forest, and her feet were mostly healed, but they were still tender. She shouldn't have been able to run as fast as she did without tearing her wounds open all over again. Yet, even if she was doing well physically, it wasn't enough. She had to remain mentally stable. She couldn't succumb to depression.
She couldn't.
“How long has Faramond been waiting?”
Jermyn shrugged. “An hour, maybe two.”
Athena sighed. “Thanks for the bread, Grandfather. I'll help you in the bakery later.”
“No need,” Jermyn replied. “Laguna and I already baked our allotment for today.”
How long until there would be nothing left? How long until the bakery was completely empty? “Okay,” Athena said, watching as her grandfather slowly trudged down the hallway, his worry obvious. He was getting worse at remaining happy. His seemingly perpetual cheeriness was coming to an end. Jermyn felt just as defeated as the rest of Edgehill.
Athena quickly got dressed in her trousers, and she tied her hair into a bun at the back of her head. She drew her dagger and knife from under the bed and sheathed them into her belt. She glanced in the mirror, looking to see if the dark circles under her eyes had gotten any smaller. Of course they hadn't. Athena wasn't looking forward to Faramond's disappointment. She wondered if he'd ever give up on her. No, Faramond wouldn't give up. If he did, he'd be giving up on his kingdom. Maybe the drunken fool she had once known would give up, but the real Faramond was a soldier. He would always be.
“Ah, there you are,” Faramond said when Athena finally emerged in the living room.
“My nightmares keep getting worse,” Athena said, without greeting him. “I can remember them, every detail. And each night, they become more horrific.”
“What happens in your nightmares?”
Athena explained everything. She told Faramond about murdering Tobin and her parents, about the blood on her sword and hands, about the gray, lifeless bodies laying on the ground. She was on the verge of tears, but she wouldn't allow herself to cry. Athena had cried too many tears already.
“They follow me everywhere,” Athena whispered. “Every day, there's this constant weight, dragging me down. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm going to drown in this darkness.”
Faramond nodded, saying nothing.
“I'm going mad, Faramond. Absolutely mad! You already know that; I know I've been acting crazy ever since you told me I was the Guardian of the Kingdom, but no matter what you try to teach me or tell me, I keep getting worse.”
“Athena,” Faramond said softly. “Your nightmares are a manifestation of the evil that is spreading.”
“I know-”
“They're worsening because the evil is getting stronger; it's getting closer to Edgehill.”
“I know that already,” Athena said. “I want to know how to stop them, or at least how to control them. We can train all day and night, and it won't change the fact that I'm being destroyed. I'm no good as a hero if I end up dead.”
“The evil is closer than it's ever been,” Faramond mumbled, a worried look on his face. He sighed. “It's becoming more real, Athena. Almost tangible.”
“Well, if it's getting so close, what are we doing, Faramond? Shouldn't we go and meet it? Fight it?”
“You just said your nightmares are keeping you from being a hero,” Faramond said.
Athena shook her head. “I made a promise to myself that Tobin would come back alive. That is what is keeping me here. Even if I die in the midst of a battle, I'll die trying to bring my friend back home.”
“Athena, we have to stay quiet. We're not ready for battles. You're still fighting a battle with yourself.”
“And it's a battle I'm never going to win,” Athena snapped. “Faramond, I've trained as much as I can. I may be a mental wreck, but I'm physically ready. I can run faster than anyone in this town, and I'm better with a bow than the greatest hunters in Galbar. I'm ready to fight.”
“But you're not ready to kill,” Faramond said.
Once again, Faramond was right. Athena was still at odds with herself. Here she was, saying she was ready to fight. Ready to walk into battle. But that was far from the truth. She hadn't overcome her nightmares. She hadn't overcome anything except the scars on her feet. Even if she was great with weapons, she wasn't ready to use them. Killing a human would be enough to break her completely. It would be enough to kill herself.
Instead of acknowledging Faramond, Athena simply scoffed. “We're dragging our feet. We're wasting time.”
Faramond's disappointment was evident. Athena was trying to be strong. She was trying to ignore her fears and nightmares. And it was obvious.
“Athena-”
“We have to fight now, Faramond!”
“You aren't ready!” Faramond hissed. “Athena, what are you trying to prove? One minute you tell me you can't do anything, the next you want to fight? I don't understand. Are you trying to be strong? Do I have to tell you again that you're already strong? You don't need to prove anything. It's okay to be scared, it's okay to be depressed-”
“It's not okay! I'm holding myself back, Faramond! My stupid mind is keeping me from fighting, and I don't want to let it control me anymore.”
“Even if you were ready, it's not the right time, Athena.”
“Then when? When will it be the right time? Tobin could be dead by now! The entire army could be dead by now!”
“Please, Athena, listen to me. The king has spies everywhere, as you well know.”
“You want me to be paranoid again?”
“No, I want you to understand why you can't go and fight. The spies are searching for the guardian. They'll be looking for any sign they can find. If they heard our conversations, if they saw you training, if they saw you regularly walking around the town in trousers, they'd be suspicious. They'd follow you and go after you. You wouldn't be ready to defend yourself-”
“I can defend myself.”
“But could you take their lives?” Faramond asked.
No. “No one has gone after me yet.”
“If you aren't careful, they will.”
Athena sighed. “I'm tired of being careful, Faramond. I'm tired of feeling helpless and hopeless. I may be mad, but I want to see my best friend again. I want to bring him back to his sisters and mother. I don't ever want to see them cry again.”
“You will save the kingdom, Athena.”
“When? Someday? Years from now?”
Faramond withdrew a flask from his coat. Athena could smell alcohol. After taking a long swig, Faramond cleared his throat. “Soon, Athena. The evil is spreading quickly, and when it reaches us, you'll be ready to face it. Today is not that day.”
“Do you know if Tobin is alive?” Athena asked. “If his brothers and father are alive? How do you know they aren't all dead?”
“Because if they were dead, you'd have no motivation to fulfill your destiny. If the war were lost before it even begun, there would be no need for a guardian.”
“You're sure?” Athena knew he was. Faramond didn't lie. That didn't stop her from feeling horrible, though. She wouldn't stop worrying Tobin until he was in her arms. She wouldn't stop worrying about the kingdom until it was safe. And she wouldn't be happy until she could return to her normal life.
“I promise you, Athena. Everybody you love is alive. And you're going to make sure they stay that way.”
“Is there anything I can do right now, besides train?”
Faramond shook his head. “You're doing everything you can. Except meditating. You really should be trying to do that.”
“I can't fight, at all?”
“Not yet,” Faramond said. “You'll know when the right time is, Athena. You'll know when the enemy is on your doorstep.”
Would she? Her own mind was the greatest enemy. Would she even be able to recognize the evil outside of her mind? If King Landgrave himself walked up to her door, could she kill him?
Bring Tobin back home. Save the kingdom in any way you can. Do what you have to. Don't let your mind destroy you. Don't let the Shadow suffocate you. Be strong, Athena.
“You are the strongest person I know. Remember that.”
Athena nodded at Faramond. No matter how hard the words were to believe, she had to believe them. She had to take any reassurance she could. Otherwise, her mind would break her into a million little pieces.
Chapter 8
Faramond and Athena trained harder than usual for the next few days, but it didn't feel like enough. Even when Athena's entire body ached in pain, even when her feet were so sore she could hardly walk, she still felt like she wasn't training hard enough. She still wasn't prepared.
She had to be strong enough to kill a person. A living, breathing, human being. Of course, she knew she was being irrational. It wasn't muscle, dexterity, or speed that could kill. Only minds could kill. Athena had to come to terms with the fact that she'd have to take lives. And yet, she continued practicing with weapons, thinking that maybe they'd become an extension of herself. Maybe they'd become such a part of her that she'd be able to kill without even thinking.
It didn't work that way though. She couldn't deny it, but she tried to anyway. The more time that passed by, the longer Athena waited to make a move, the more afraid she became. Tobin had been gone for three weeks now. In that amount of time, he would have made it to the castle town to begin training for the army. He'd probably been training for a week now. Soon enough, he would venture out into the kingdom. He could end up posted at a town like Edgehill, becoming one of the nosy, begging soldiers. Or perhaps he would be at the front lines of a battle. Athena hoped he would be at the back of the line, but she knew there was no way that would happen. Tobin was too good. He was proficient with every weapon, with a body and mind made for the military.
Yet, Athena remembered Tobin's anguished face. She could picture him clearly, being dragged away, not wanting to go. Perhaps he was still defiant. Perhaps he had abandoned the army and was on the run. He could be in hiding, waiting for Athena to find him, to join him.
Or he could be dead already.
Athena twirled her knife in her hands for a moment, absentmindedly. She glanced out the window. Frost covered the ground. Edgehill was empty, save for a single soldier marching up and down the street. Athena wrapped her feet in an extra layer of cloth to protect them better. She put on her fur cloak and boots and slipped outside with the knife hidden underneath a fold in her cloak.
Today, her body was extremely sore. She'd been running almost nonstop for days, pushing her body to its limits. Athena estimated that she'd run about nine miles in one hour. She wanted to go faster. She wanted to run until her legs turned to jelly.
After walking past the soldier, Athena slipped into an alleyway, stuffing her skirt into the pack on her back and revealing trousers. She stealthily moved down the alleyway, sidling silently along the walls. She had to practice stealth as well as running. They would both be important skills.
Faramond wouldn't approve. He wanted Athena to only practice in the mornings and night, but it was the middle of the afternoon. Athena figured it wasn't a big deal, considering that the mid-afternoon sky was almost black. There was a persistent bleakness that hung in the air of Edgehill, making it always appear to be nighttime.
Training in the morning and night wasn't enough. It was maybe four hours of training a day, and that was only when Athena managed to drag herself out of bed on time. She needed to work harder. So here she was, training on her own. All by herself. Faramond had no idea what she was doing, and she planned to keep it that way. He'd be angry if he found out she was training alone.
It was reckless and stupid, Athena was well aware of that. Faramond was someone to take seriously, always. He told her to lay low, to stay quiet and keep her training as secret as possible. She ignored him.
Athena emerged on the other side of the alleyway, in the town square. It was a wide-open space, with enough room to move around in. It was bigger than the forest clearing and easier to get to. Athena wasn't stupid enough to reveal her weapons though. She used the square to practice physical fighting.
If anyone saw her, she simply told them she was exercising. That was common enough in the winter time to not be suspicious. In years past, plenty of people exercised in order to keep their bodies healthy for the next spring when they'd have to work on farms again. Tobin used to go running through the town, racing with other boys. Laguna always made Athena stay behind, telling her it wasn't ladylike to run, especially in public.
Now, Athena stood alone, kicking and punching at the chilly air. When she heard the sounds of footsteps, she stopped and sat on the ground, stretching her aching arms.
“What are you doing?” a soldier asked, one hand on the sword on his belt.
“I was exercising,” Athena breathed. “Have to keep healthy.” She gave him a fake smile.
“Of course. Well, take care. It's very cold out here; I wouldn't want you to fall ill.” The soldier swiftly turned and walked away, leaving Athena's heart pounding.
She stood up and began to head towards the forest. The town square wasn't a safe place. She couldn't keep telling people she was exercising. They would certainly become suspicious. She had to be more elusive.
Athena walked briskly, but not so fast as to look suspicious. When she made it to her forest clearing, she fell down in a heap, heart still pounding. She looked around her; everything was empty and silent. The tree branches were bare and only the sound of Athena's own breathing could be heard.
She half expected to see Tobin. They'd spent so many hours here, and now almost a month had gone by. He was nowhere near the forest.
She picked up the knife and began to twirl it, pointing it at a notch on one of the trees in front of her. She threw it, hitting her target. Athena stood up, pulling it from the tree to hit another target. She repeated this for at least two hours, hitting all of her targets perfectly, but still feeling like it wasn't good enough. She still couldn't picture her targets as humans.
Eventually, Athena pocketed her knife and returned to Edgehill, trudging through the town with what little daylight there was. She opened Faramond's door, never one to knock, and then began practicing with her dagger as Faramond slept in his chair, not expecting her this early.
Athena continued a routine of practicing with Faramond during the morning and night while spending the rest of the day training on her own. She moved from the town square to the forest, to one of the farms on the outskirts of town. She tried not to stay in any one place for more than a few hours, doing her best not to arouse any suspicion. Athena changed clothing as well, always wearing a skirt while she walked through town and wearing trousers when she was safely outside of town or inside her home.
None of the soldiers paid much attention to Athena. Some of them stil
l eyed her like a piece of meat, but for the most part, she was completely ignored. Athena appeared to be a regular woman; a little more muscular than most, but still ordinary. Her paranoia subsided to the point where she wasn't afraid of being discovered anymore. Athena felt safe from spies. If only she could feel safe from everything else.
After a night full of running and stealth practice, Athena dozed off on the living room chair. When a sharp knock came at the door that morning, she jumped, startled. She was still wearing trousers and her dagger was in plain view, falling off her belt. Her heart began to thump. It was either Faramond or a customer. It wasn't a soldier. It had been weeks since a soldier had come to the bakery, begging. The bakery had nothing to give.
Athena sheathed her dagger and opened the door. Faramond ran inside, slamming the door shut. He looked scared, not even a hint of his usual calmness evident on his face.
“Someone was watching me,” Faramond breathed. “They've been watching me for days. Standing outside my house. Today, they followed me here.” He was whispering as if someone other than Athena was listening to the conversation.
“Faramond-”
“Athena, tell me, have you been training alone?” Athena's heart sunk.
“No,” she lied.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me.”
“I'm sorry,” Athena whispered.
Faramond's eyes shut in frustration. “Oh, Athena. Why?”
“I-I thought I was being elusive. I thought I was safe.”
“Why didn't you listen? We're being watched, Athena. The both of us.”
“I haven't noticed anyone watching me,” Athena said. She thought of the soldiers she passed when walking through the town. They weren't following her. They weren't watching her. She was safe.
“A good spy makes sure you don't know that they're there.”
Athena frowned. “I'm sorry,” she repeated.
“I told you to lay low. Why didn't you listen?!”
Rise of the Shadow Page 5