“Are you okay? Are your symptoms getting worse?”
“Feels like my head is about to explode, but other than that and the fact that Angelo has a new girlfriend, I’m fine.”
“What?!”
“You heard me.”
“How do you know?”
“I really don’t wanna talk about it right now.”
“Come on, Cathy.”
“Please just be a good friend and let me wallow in my depression.”
“Nope! I’m on my way to your place. I’m picking you up, and we’re going to the brunch at Fernando’s.”
“I don’t feel up to it.”
“I am not taking no for an answer.”
“If you insist, but I’m meeting you there. No way I’m riding around in that death trap you call a car.”
“You used to do just fine on the back of Angelo’s motorcycle.”
“What is it with you and that damn motorcycle!”
“Forget I said that. I’ll meet you there in an hour.”
“Okay.”
I hang up. If I had my way, I’d never leave this house again. Anyway, it’s the ideal spot for hospice care. That sounds pleasant compared to the emotions I feel right now.
I wish to God I could just erase Angelo from my memory. But there’s no escaping how I feel about the man. If I had the ability to travel back in time, I would have just taken the fucking cab straight home.
I guess I had too many romantic notions in my head. Thinking about all those stupid movies where couples reunite and some soulful song plays in the background while they kiss. What was I thinking?
And the last thing I want to do right now is go out in public. I’m a mess. On top of that, I need my roots done. Todd would be ashamed to have me as a client.
I force myself to shower and put on deodorant. At least I won’t smell. Then, I throw on pair of ratty jeans and an oversized t-shirt. God, I look like a mess.
I grab my car keys and head outside. It’s gorgeous. Bright sun. Two kids riding their bikes. A man across the street mowing his lawn. A perfect summer day. The total opposite of my life.
Oh look! A d-a-w-g! Hello puppy! I love dogs. He’s a golden retriever. He looks over and wags his tail. Must be new neighbors.
I start up my engine. The fastest way to Fernando’s involves driving through Angelo’s neighborhood. No way I’m doing that. If I see his girlfriend again, I’ll be too tempted to run her over. I wish I was kidding!
Either I’d win him back, or get charged with manslaughter, or both. Would he write me letters while I’m doing time? Would there be conjugal visits? Mmmm. I’d give just about anything for another night with him. Too bad that ship has sailed.
I park at the restaurant near Zoe’s Mini Cooper. I swear her car looks like a fucking toy. I get out and walk across the lot. I spot a couple holding hands.
From the back, it looks like Angelo and his new woman. The guy even has on a black leather jacket. My heart skips a beat. I wish I had a paper bag to throw over my head right now.
But I guess God doesn’t completely hate me because I hear the man’s voice, and it’s obviously not him. When I get a glimpse of his face, I’m so relieved—I would have had a nervous breakdown right in the middle of the parking lot if it was him.
I walk inside. It’s packed. I look around and see Zoe sitting at a table by the window. Her curly hair is pulled up into a high ponytail. I make my way over to her.
She stands up and gives me a big hug. I wrap my arms around her. I guess this is the only affection I have to look forward to from now until my final breath. Am I being too too much of a downer? Damn, I miss Angelo’s touch.
“Hey, you globetrotter, you!”
“Hey.”
I sit down and immediately dig into the tortilla chips. I dip in to the guacamole and stuff my face. Mmmm! This salty goodness makes me feel a little less shitty about life in general. That’s the magic of good food.
Maybe I need to set a new goal for myself. In the next few months, I should aim for morbid obesity. The least I can do is make my taste buds happy. Besides, it will make up for all the suffering I put myself through. What was the point of that stupid diet anyway?
“I want to find out all about your trip, but first, what’s the deal with Angelo?”
“He’s got a girlfriend. I assume it’s his girlfriend. He’s obviously fucking her.”
“And you know this because?”
“As soon as my plane touched down, I took a cab straight to his place.”
“Really?”
“I thought about what you said, about just telling him. I finally worked up the nerve to do it and …”
“And when you got there, he told you about his girlfriend?”
“I wish. I actually saw them together.”
“You walked in on them?”
“Not exactly. But I saw him and her walking out of his townhouse together just as my cab was pulling up.”
“Ouch.”
“I know … I …”
I fight back my tears.
She touches my shoulder.
“It’s gonna be alright, Cathy.”
“Fuck that. None of this is alright.”
“That’s not what I meant, what I’m trying to say is …”
“I can’t believe I was dumb enough to make myself so vulnerable. I actually fell for him.”
“So, it wasn’t just about the sex?”
“There was always more to it than that, even if I didn’t want to admit it.”
“I knew it.”
“But it’s not like it matters now. I should have just followed my first instinct and left it alone. The one time I decide to take your advice, this is what happens.”
“You didn’t exactly take my advice, Cathy.”
“Huh?”
“Angelo called and texted you so many times, and you just ignored him. I told you to at least call the man back, but not to wait a whole freaking month.”
“So, now it’s my fault?”
“Of course it isn’t. But Cathy, come on. The man has needs.”
“And so do I. I need him. I’ve never needed anyone so much.”
“You should tell him that.”
“Even now?”
“Yes. Why not. If he’s only been seeing this woman for a month, it can’t possibly be that serious.”
I take a deep breath and gobble up more chips.
“I don’t know, Zoe. I’m not sure if I can put myself out there like that. What if I tell him everything, and he rejects me?”
“That’s a chance you have to take.”
Javier approaches us. He flashes a big grin. I wipe away my tears and try to smile. I probably look constipated.
“Hello, ladies, welcome back. Do you remember me?”
Zoe nods. “Of course, you’re Javier.”
“I’m sure the nametag helps. What can I get for you?”
“Two margaritas with an extra shot of tequila on the side.”
“You got it. Do you need more time to look at the menu?”
“No, I’m ready to order. The brunch special for me.”
I look at him. “Same here.”
He nods. “Okay. I’ll be back with those drinks, ladies.”
“Thanks.”
He starts to walk away.
I hold up my hand. “And more chips please! A lot more!”
“You got it.”
He heads to another table.
Zoe grins. “He has a cute butt, doesn’t he?”
“I didn’t notice.”
“Of course not. You only have eyes for Angelo’s ass.”
“You can say that again. But I guess I didn’t make much of an impression on him, if he’s moved on this quickly.”
“Cathy, how do you know for sure that was his girlfriend?”
“The way he was laughing with her, and the way he looked into her eyes … That said it all.”
“What if it was a one-night-stand?”
“Yo
u mean just like me?”
“No, that’s not what I meant.”
Javier approaches us with our drinks. He places them down on the table.
“There you go.”
Zoe turns to him. “Gracias.”
But her pronunciation sounds like “grassy ass.”
He struggles to hold back his laughter. “De nada, senorita. And by the way, your food will be out shortly.”
He hustles to the other side of the restaurant. Zoe and I pour our tequila shots into our margaritas. I guzzle mine down like it’s lemonade. The combination of the cold, the salt, and the liquor dull my senses. I’m thankful for that.
“So tell me about your vacation.”
“It was okay. I ate a lot. I shopped a lot. I drank a lot.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“It wasn’t really. Everything reminded me of Angelo.”
“Maybe you should have gone to Paris instead.”
“There’s enough maybes to fill up this whole fucking place.”
“Cathy, what are you gonna do?”
“Start making arrangements. I have a meeting with an attorney next week about my will. Like I told you before, I want you to be the executor of my estate and …”
“Not that. You know I’m here for you, whatever you need. I mean what are you gonna do about Angelo?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s not too late to tell him how you feel.”
“I can’t make a complete fool of myself, Zoe. My pride is fading fast, but it’s not completely gone.”
She shakes her head.
“I’m sure he would be glad to hear from you, even if it’s just as a friend.”
“I don’t wanna be his fucking friend.”
“I know. But you can at least tell him about … You know?”
“Why? So he’ll feel sorry for me? Guilt trip him into a pity fuck?”
“Cathy …”
“Wait. That’s not such a terrible idea.”
“Are you serious?”
I drink more of the margarita.
“Of course I’m not serious. But my constitution might change over the course of the next few weeks.”
“I don’t know why you always do this to yourself.”
“Do what?”
“You turn something insignificant into a Category 5.”
“I do not.”
“You forget how long I’ve known you.”
“On another note, do you really have the hots for Javier?”
“I wouldn’t mind going out with him. We might even get a discount on our food.”
“You’re shameless. He’s a baby. The kid is 21 tops.”
“21 is still legal. Besides, both of us shouldn’t be resigned to a convent-like life.”
“I had a chance to hook up with some guys overseas, but I just wasn’t into it.”
“That comes as no surprise. You’re in love with Angelo.”
“I didn’t say I was in love with him.”
“You didn’t have to say it.”
“I think I’m gonna need to order a second shot.”
She smiles.
“You’re wrong. It’s not love. But I will admit, Angelo made me feel so alive. And considering my situation, that speaks volumes about the kind of man he is.”
“Call him already!”
“That’s not happening.”
“Cathy …”
“It’s different for you. When it comes to men, you can get away with shit that I can’t even dream of.”
“That’s what you think?”
“You’re gorgeous, Zoe. I’ve seen guys make complete asses of themselves just to get your attention. You don’t know what it’s like to be ordinary.”
“There’s nothing ordinary about you.”
“You’re just saying that.”
“I’m not. And don’t think for a minute that I don’t have to put up with crap from men. You know about everything I’ve been through. How can you even say that?”
“Zoe, what I mean is …”
“I’m actually jealous of you.”
“What?!”
“You heard me. You took a leap of faith and found a great guy. And even if you won’t use the ‘l-word’, I know that’s how you feel about him. I want the same thing in my life. I’m desperate for it.”
“Well, it’s gone now so we’re both in the same boat.”
“No, we’re not. Don’t you think it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?”
“I don’t know. I feel so shitty right now that I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.”
“You still don’t get it.”
“What?”
“Do you know how long it’s been since a man showed me the kind of attention Angelo showed you? Cathy, the two of you had a real connection.”
“So real that he’s probably fucking another woman as we speak.”
“For all you know, she means nothing to him. And you don’t even have the courage to find out.”
“I need to save my courage for putting up with this fucking disease.”
“I feel terrible that you’re going through that, Cathy. I really do. And I’m gonna miss you so much that I try not to even think about it. But that’s all the more reason to make the most of the time you have left.”
Javier approaches us with our plates: breakfast burritos topped off with avocado slices. He puts them down on the table. It looks delicious, but all the sudden, I don’t have much of an appetite.
“Enjoy, ladies.”
Zoe touches his arm.
“Muchas gracias!”
“Si, de nada. I’ll be back to check on you all shortly.”
He smiles and heads to another table. I take a few bites and then turn my attention back to the margarita. I gulp it down.
“See what my life has come to. I’m so desperate that I’m flirting with college kids. And you had a chance at true love and threw it all away.”
“Angelo did that when he decided to start fucking some other woman.”
“That’s really how you look at it?”
I finish my margarita. My words are a bit jumbled. I wave at Javier. “Excuse me! Can I get a refill!”
After brunch, I feel even worse. But at least my headache is gone. I know I have the tequila to thank for that because Zoe’s conversation did not help matters.
Before we part ways, Zoe walks me to my car, and I pop the trunk. I hand over a bag full of gifts I bought for her in Italy. She thanks me and gives me a big hug. She looks like she wants to say something else but doesn’t bother. Thank God! I’m scared it’s going to be about Angelo.
Chapter Nineteen
It’s Monday morning. I’m up before the alarm, but I don’t feel like moving. I’m still hung-over from my tequila-lush brunch with Zoe. My headache is back, but my heartache is far worse.
I stare at the ceiling and try my best not to cry. I can’t believe what my life has come to. And I’m to blame for most of this despair. If only I would have picked up the phone when Angelo called weeks ago.
I might be waking up next to his handsome face right now. We might be getting in a quickie before heading off to work. Damn, I miss the way he kissed me and how he felt deep inside me. What I wouldn’t give just for one more time.
The alarms sounds. I slowly sit up in bed and turn it off. I don’t hit snooze, so, instead, I press the dismiss button. Then, I send a quick email to Ted. There’s no way I’m dragging my ass into the office today. I blame it on jetlag. I tell him to mark it as a sick day.
I plop back down on the bed. All I want right now is Angelo, but in his absence, I’ll settle for another guilty pleasure. I open the Door Dash app on my phone and order a big stack of blueberry pancakes and bacon.
I head to the living room and turn on the TV while I wait for my food. My stomach growls. To make matters worse, there’s a cooking segment on Good Morning America.
I turn it off and re-read some of my texts back and fort
h with Angelo. I almost get up the nerve to type something, but I will myself not to. He’s probably with that woman. For all I know, he’s fucking her right now. Angelo has a thing for morning sex. This is getting to be too much, I really need to distract myself.
Thirty minutes later, there’s a knock at my door. I open it to find the delivery man, holding a big brown paper bag. This guy is in his 50s. His whole demeanor screams middle management. I wonder if he got laid off from some job, and this was the best he could do. Why do I analyze people all the time? It’s not like I’m such a fucking prize specimen of humanity!
As soon as he leaves, I add an extra tip on the app for him. Then, I head to the kitchen and open the contents of the bag. By the time I sit down to eat, the pancakes are room temperature. The bacon is slightly burnt. Fuck it. That’s not gonna stop me from getting my full day’s calorie count in one sitting.
I look out the window, and it starts to rain. I can’t help but cry over these cold ass pancakes, and how much I truly miss Angelo. I really wish I had someone else to talk to about the situation besides Zoe. She claims to be on my side, but she usually succeeds in making me feel worse about everything.
That’s one of the main reasons why I’m always selective about what I share with her. But this was just too much to keep inside. I could call Todd. He might have a fresh perspective on things. He’s part hairstylist, part psychologist.
I know the person I really should call. Angelo. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I have to respect the fact that he’s in a relationship. I don’t want to intrude.
Okay, that’s not exactly true. For a chance with him, I’d probably be willing to break all the rules. But I don’t have the nerve to initiate it. What exactly would I say? “I’m so into you, that I’ll be your booty call? Come have sex with me on demand?”
I can think of worse ideas. If he said yes, that would speak volumes about his character. It goes to show that it’s a good thing that he’s out of my life. It would have just been a matter of time before he cheated on me, too!
Here I go, getting carried away again. Angelo probably hasn’t given me a second thought since I ignored his calls. I deserve all of the shit I’m going through.
And it’s only because I didn’t have the courage to tell him about my condition. I hate the idea of him looking at me like that, as if I’m some fragile flower. I didn’t want to change the dynamic between us. Everything was so right.
Dieting Makes Cathy Crazy Page 15