Me Dying Trial

by Patricia Powell

  Peppy didn’t know if she must run up to her Aunty Cora, who was sitting out on the verandah watching Peppy feed Rose, or if she must stay. Is a long time since she last see Miss Gwennie or Mass Walter. The four children coming up behind, she never see, yet. Three big ones and one little boy in short pants trailing behind. By the time she turn around, Miss Gwennie was upon her, so Peppy just stand up, brush the dirt from off her frock and prepare to meet her salvation.

  ‘How are things, Peppy?’ Miss Gwennie ask, holding Peppy’s stiff hand in her own.

  ‘Hearty,’ Peppy answer, her two eyes more interested in her shoes than what the brown lady look like. She see Mass Walter’s shiny black shoes and then the shoes of the four children as them pass behind Miss Gwennie and continue up the steps to where Aunty Cora was. One or two of the shoes stop and turn round, but then them turn back round and continue on up.

  ‘What’s the dolly’s name?’

  ‘Rose.’

  ‘Rose, that sure is a pretty name. I hear you in school, now. You like school?’

  Peppy bow her head. She want Miss Gwennie to let go her hand. It getting warm and sticky.

  ‘That’s good you like school, Peppy. I like children that like school. You know that I’m a school teacher?’

  Peppy shake her head.

  ‘Yes, maybe one day you will come to my school, Porous Primary.’

  Peppy don’t say anything.

  ‘Well, come with me. Come, we go meet your other brothers and sister.’

  Peppy catch her breath. Brothers and sister. Her mind ring back to what Aunty Cora did tell her about Miss Gwennie, that she must be nice and polite, for Miss Gwennie is her mother.

  ‘How come me have two mothers?’ she did ask Aunty Cora.

  ‘Well, she is your real mother. She give birth to you. Me only raising you.’

  ‘So, you not me mother?’

  Aunty Cora shake her head.

  ‘Then how come me call you mama?’

  ‘Cause I raising you.’

  ‘But if you not me mother, then I mustn’t call you mama. What I must call you?’

  Aunty Cora sigh. This was exactly the reason she want to adopt Peppy, for all this confusion not necessary.

  ‘Mama Cora.’

  ‘Yes, Peppy.’

  ‘You think the Lord will still love me?’

  ‘The Lord will always love you, Peppy. No matter . . .’

  ‘Even if me don’t love me real mother?’

  Aunty Cora’s two eyes open up wide and her voice get stern. ‘What you mean by you don’t love you real mother, Peppy?’

  ‘Me love you more.’

  Aunty Cora couldn’t say anything. She try pull up Peppy so she can sit down on her lap, but Peppy getting too weighty now, and her arthritic feet too weak. Peppy realize it. So she pull up a chair next to Aunty Cora’s own, climb up in it, and bury her head in Aunty Cora’s lap. Aunty Cora stroke her little neck.

  So as Peppy follow Miss Gwennie up the steps, she figure maybe what her Aunty Cora did tell her about Miss Gwennie was true. But no matter, she still like her Aunty Cora more.

  Throughout the whole Sunday evening, only one out of the four children talk to her, the big boy, Rudi. Him ask her name, how old she is, the name of her school and her favourite teacher, her favourite class and plenty more things. After Peppy answer, she ask him the same questions and him tell her. Out of all of them, Rudi was her favourite. She lead him down the steps and under the orange tree to meet Rose. Him tell her Rose is quite pretty and him like her very much. Then him help Peppy open-up Rose’s mouth wider so she can swallow better. When time come for Rudi to leave, Peppy start to get sad. She ask if him could stay. But him say no, him have to go to school tomorrow, but would try and come back again soon.

  Every day Peppy look out for Rudi, hoping that him would come back and play dirty-pot with she and Rose. But him never come. And she ask Aunty Cora day after day what happen to Rudi. But she wasn’t sure what to tell her. It set her to thinking though, that maybe she coop up Peppy too much, and maybe she should in fact send her to spend time with her brothers and sister. After much thinking, Aunty Cora decide upon it. Peppy would leave the Friday after school and her father would bring her back the Sunday evening.

  When Aunty Cora tell her she plan to see Rudi again, Peppy couldn’t wait. She pack-up all the things she going to carry and show him, three whole weeks ahead of time. And she was in a state of merriment for days and days before the day finally arrive.

  VIII

  That same Friday, Gwennie decide to take half the day from school. Teacher Brown almost didn’t give it to her. Him mumble something under his breath about how she already take few days off last month. Gwennie never say anything, for she know it wasn’t so much the days she take, but more the fact that she start up teachers’ union at the school, and the teachers been bringing him up on plenty charges, and him don’t like it. Him don’t like it that them want better wages and more time off when necessary. And as Gwennie is the ring leader, him grow to not like Gwennie too much. Gwennie pick up her handbag and walk out of his office the afternoon, her head high and her back straight, a little smile playing around her mouth corners.

  The clouds did make up to rain when Gwennie leave the school yard. By the time she turn down Porous Road, it was pouring down plenty. Gwennie didn’t bother run for shelter. She just kiss her teeth, aggravated that her plans spoil for the evening. She did want to catch home early so she could take a puss-nap, then look over the Immigration papers she get last week, if she finish cook on time. Maybe she could bring them to the meeting later and show Percy, maybe even ask him to safe-keep them before Walter find and tear them up.

  Gwennie kiss her teeth again. She shiver from the clothes drenched all the way through to her skin. All the pressing and curling of her hair from the night before hang limp and flat at her ears’ corners. She open her mouth and swallow some of the water. It feel cool and taste sweet running down her palate. She spy a cedar tree with its plenty leaves and branches spread out wide. Gwennie run over to it, put down her bag at the root, then sit down, her back leaning against the trunk, a peaceful expression covering over her face as the rain pour down around her and not much wetting her. A little pain grip her belly and then it pass. Gwennie sigh. She press her hand to her stomach gentle-like and run her fingers longside the scar. Through the wet clothes she could feel it plain as day. It getting better though. The doctor say it will always stay there. Not much women get rid of it after them have the operation.

  Gwennie grimace to herself as she remember Percy’s face after the operation, eyes red, face full of fright, and hands barely steady in his pocket, as if him was the one stretch out there flat on his back, in pain, and not she. Afterwards when him was bringing her home him claim him could never go through all those things women have to put up with, for him don’t like pain a tall. Gwennie never say anything. She remember being afraid about having the operation, for she hear how sometimes after them sew you up, instead of getting better, it start to fester. She even hear about this one woman who get pregnant after the operation, and how the baby come out deformed before dying. But regardless, she did still want it. Especially since she get the invitation letter from her brother, Samuel, in Connecticut. She know if she take careless and get in family way again, him wouldn’t send another letter, for him funny that way.

  Percy went with her the Monday morning. After taking the day off from the all-boys High School where him teach Geography, him pick her up at the bus stop the morning in his Austin Cambridge and drive her. Inside the operating room, the nurses address him as Mr Glaspole and hand him a gown. Him never say anything, face just serious as usual, fingers twitching. Gwennie never mention a word to Walter about the operation either. It was her decision entirely. She didn’t want any arguing about it.

  Percy make and give her hot cerose tea to drink after bringing her home the Monday afternoon. Then him sit down at her bedside until she sleep, wake and was feeling b
etter. Him leave before Walter reach home.

  The rain hold up little, and the sun start to peep out its head again. Gwennie wasn’t ready to get up yet, even though her purple pantsuit drench all the way through, and her black shoes wet. She like the peacefulness about her, the way the birds were beginning to fly-fly about now, and the way everything look green and cheerful after the little shower. Even the air smell good and her head feel light and clear. Gwennie’s eyes catch the rainbow forming over her head, and a broad smile cover over her face. Her eyes follow the different-different colours, from one end to another, until a small noise in the distance draw her attention.

  She turn her neck to where it coming from, and to her left, over in the common, an infant school did just get recess it seems, as the children pile out with balls—newspaper roll up plenty times with a piece of string tie round it tight. A little grin play around Gwennie’s mouth corner. She couldn’t tell the last day she play dandy-shandy. Not since High School. Gwennie watch the game, her face liven up now, just as if she was playing, and she turn and push her neck every which way, so she could see every movement the ball make until the tall girl batting now, send it hoisting, way-way up. Gwennie and everybody else’s head turn with the ball only to see it fasten inside a big breadfruit tree. The silence never last long before quarrel break out. Them start to blame the girl, ask her why her blasted hands so long, how them going to get down the blasted ball.

  Gwennie leave before the girl with the long hands answer. She walk briskly the remainder of way. She leave her shoes outside on the verandah next to Jeff’s outgrown stroller, and let herself inside the house, humming ‘All Things Bright And Beautiful’. She drop off her clothes in the bathroom, haul on her multi-colour duster, then she open-up the windows in the living room, letting in freshness and sunshine.

  But the minute the room light up and Gwennie’s two eyes focus on the pants and shirts and dirty plates and break-up cups and shoes lying about, the pain start to pulsate from out her forehead, spreading down about her two eyes. She stagger out the living room, her two hands squeezing her head, taking long deep breaths, as Percy tell her—relax, deep breath, relax. Usually Rudi and Delores reach home and tidy-up, but today, since Gwennie leave school so early, she reach home before them.

  Gwennie make her way to the verandah and sit down on one of the red and yellow chairs, relaxing and taking deep breaths until the headache ease-up. She glance down on her watch and grunt. Almost three o’clock. The children soon come home. She won’t get a chance to look over the visa information carefully without any botheration, fill out and sign what she have to fill out and sign, and send it back. Sake of Walter, she can’t even read the letters properly, for she know that just out of sheer spite and grudgeful, him would tear them up, for is she who get invitation to go Foreign not him or the two of them.

  It was a good lesson she learn from what happen to Aunty Cora’s letter. Now she give out the school address whenever she expect things of importance, even though she can’t stand it when the other teachers raise-up them eyebrows when them see the big yellow parcel mark U.S. Department of Immigration and Naturalization in her box. But all that matter right now is the chance to get away from Walter. She just want to go someplace where she can cool her brain. She tired. Tired of the way him pick-pick and quarrel-quarrel about every little thing. Now him jealous more than anything about she and Percy and the meetings they’ve been going to every Friday night. Sometimes she have to stop and wonder how is it Walter turn into such a nightmare.

  Him certainly not the man she marry. The man she marry used to sit up at night until late, telling her childhood stories and his plans for them future together. Him used to buy her a record or a book now and again, bring the children out to amusement parks, picnics, shows. Now him the complete opposite. What happen to Walter, what happen? Him don’t want her to have have any kind of spare time a tall to herself. Morning time she wake up, make breakfast, tidy herself and the children and leave for school. Afternoons, she come home, cook, mark papers, if she have time she do a little washing or sewing. Then is time to go to sleep.

  The one evening she take off to cool her brain, him curse and quarrel that she keeping man with him. And if him should ever see how she and Percy get on, him would be frightened, for them close just like brother and sister. Every since Luther she lose interest. She too afraid. Furthermore she like the activities and lectures at her meeting, the various speakers who come up with plans to build better literacy programmes, to bring electricity and running water into rural areas, to give better training to students who can’t pass the Common Entrance Exam to get into high schools, to teach more Spanish in the classroom and enhance relations with Cuba.

  Her favourite activity is letter-writing, offering advice to party members about how them can improve welfare programmes, the standard of medical care in public hospitals in rural areas, the availability of effective birth control methods as well as sex education classes, the prohibition of police brutality. All these things special to her, yet Walter don’t like it. Nowadays him claim Percy turning her into communist. Sometimes it don’t even spell sense to tell him of the things going on. That helping people because you in better position don’t mean communist. Percy didn’t wring her hands and drag her to the meetings. It was her own decision.

  Sometimes she figure she only have herself to blame though. For it was she who agreed to go back to him. But after she see how him was shedding eye water and apologizing, planning to turn over new leaf, only a hard-hearted old mule wouldn’t open up her heart and take him in. But it wasn’t so easy coming to that decision, she remember well, back in her little cubicle up at the Teachers College . . .

  ‘Anything, everything. I will do it . . . Just come back,’ Walter say to her.

  After she think long and hard about the way him usually treat her and the children, and how, now, she leaving school in few weeks and she didn’t have place to put her head, she feel like she didn’t have much choice. And it look like him was really willing to change.

  ‘We have to do things differently,’ she tell him, her voice on edge. ‘Me have to get me own way more. We have to do more things together as a family. We have to talk about things better. Can’t put up with this manhandling business. I want to bring me friends over. I want them to be comfortable.’ She look at Walter when she say this, noticing his face shiny with sweat. ‘I want them to be comfortable!’ She tell him again. ‘I want to go about me business without interference.’ Gwennie hold her breath, she wonder if she pushing too hard. ‘You know, like doing volunteer work when I have time,’ her voice soften, and she let out her breath easy.

  ‘Gwennie, I will try. Everything you say, everything you want, I will try. Life just too miserable, just too hard.’

  And after all she must give him credit, for him did try hard, three whole years. Him stop drink rum. Them start go out more. Him never say anything when Percy come visit, mostly him just absent himself plenty Friday evenings before her meeting. Him even pick up with the church going again. But it was when she became pregnant with Rosa, the last girl, that everything started to go downhill. The last boy, Jeff, she have right after she move in back with Walter never stir up any problems. Walter was as understanding and gentle as ever, but this last baby, Rosa, it seems, rile him up to no ends.

  And it was the first time in a long time that she start to wonder if Walter suspect anything. If somebody tell him. For the day after the doctor tell her she pregnant again and she announce it to Walter, him just change completely. Two whole weeks him wouldn’t utter a word to her. If him come home a tall, it was late at night, stone-drunk. And she think maybe him just frustrated, for him not really happy at his job and this new baby just mean more expenses.

  But the thing that worry Gwennie the most, though, that cause her to think maybe Walter suspect that like Peppy, maybe Rose didn’t belong to him, was the day she see the Austin Cambridge park-up in the school yard, motor running. She figure immediately something
wrong, for today wasn’t Friday and is only Fridays alone she see Percy.

  She figure maybe something happen with Percy and the wife. Various lawyers been writing him, for the wife claim she want the house since she looking after the children these days. Gwennie figure maybe a more serious course of action set in now, especially with the way his hands were dancing around.

  ‘What happen?’ she ask him, ‘You get letter?’

  Him never answer right away. Backing the car out the school yard, him manoeuvre it carefully around school children and fire hydrants, all the while barely keeping the steering wheel steady.

  ‘Percy, what happen? You get letter?’

  ‘See it on the dashboard.’

  In her haste to read the contents and find out why Percy so upset, Gwennie didn’t take much notice that the letter was hand-written instead of typed, that the handwriting on the envelope with its elaborate loops on the g’s and y’s was Walter’s very own and that the letter was about her, until she finally fling it down, the burnt cocoa butter complexion gone from her face, leaving her feeling hot, then cold, then hot again.

  Her mind run back to a conversation she have with Walter not too long ago, one evening out in the living room. The seven-thirty news with Brenton Hall was just finished, and Walter get up to turn off the television. Him pick up the Gleaner, settle down in the off-white couch with his head-back leaning against the wall, and put on his reading glasses. Gwennie, who was sitting down across from him, start to grade the Algebra test she give out just the day before. Rudi was at choir practice and Delores was in the bedroom helping Dave and Jeff with homework.

  So in tune was Gwennie into her grading, she never notice that the page of the Gleaner wasn’t turning much and that now and again, Walter would put it down on his lap, take off glasses, rub eyes, stare at Gwennie for a long time, sigh, put on back the glasses and pick up the Gleaner again. She didn’t even hear when him call her the first time, it was upon the second calling that she turn her head. Him hesitate before starting.