With Every Breath

by Everhart, Allie

  "A little, I guess." My chest is tightening even more and my throat's going dry.

  "So living with her is a constant reminder of Amy. Is that a good thing or a bad? Because if it were me, I couldn't do it. It'd be too soon for me to be around someone who was just like my brother, especially if I had to see him every day."

  I slam the head of lettuce on the counter. "I'm not you, okay? I like Heidi and she's a good roommate. End of story." I point to the door. "Could you go now? I have stuff to do."

  He stares at me a moment, then says, "Have a good night." He walks to the door.

  "Thanks for dinner," I say. "And the ride."

  He nods as he leaves.

  When he's gone, Heidi runs into the kitchen, stopping just in front of me.

  "Oh my God!"

  "What?" I ask. "What happened?"

  "That guy!" She points to the door.

  "Travis? What about him?"

  "He's so freaking hot! I was sweating just being around him." She fans herself. She's very animated, just like Amy was. If Amy saw Travis, she'd be reacting exactly the same way. It makes me miss her. I miss her so damn much.

  Travis is right. It's really hard to live with someone who reminds me so much of Amy. But it's too late to find another roommate, and I really like Heidi. I just wish she wasn't so much like Amy.

  "I don't know how you can work with that guy," she says. "I wouldn't be able to stop staring at him."

  "What about Brad?" I remind her. "Your boyfriend?"

  "Brad's cute," she says with a shrug. "But Travis? So freaking hot. That body? And that face? The guy should be modeling in New York not stuck here working at some garage."

  I smile, thinking of Travis as a model. He's definitely hot enough but I can't see him posing for pictures. He'd be all awkward, not knowing what to do, and he'd be trying to hurry it up so he could leave.

  "He's actually an engineer," I say. "He's working at the garage because his dad got sick and he had to take over."

  "Does he have a girlfriend?"

  "No, but he hangs out with his ex a lot. They might get back together." I put the grocery sacks Travis folded under the counter with the others. "Why are you asking? You already have a boyfriend."

  "But you don't. You should ask him out!" She uses that excited tone that's just like Amy used to use when she was urging me to do something.

  "Ask my boss out?" I laugh. "I don't think so. I think that's considered harassment."

  "He's not really your boss. You're not even getting paid."

  "Still, it's not appropriate. And I'm pretty sure he'll end up back with his ex."

  "Does he have any brothers?" she asks, still using that excited tone.

  "He did. His brother died last year."

  "Oh." Heidi frowns, her excitement quickly squashed by the news. "That's so sad. How old was he?"

  "Twenty-two. Died in a motorcycle accident." I pause. "A year ago last Saturday."

  She gasps. "Last Saturday? That's the day—"

  "I know," I say, not wanting her to say it. "It's weird it happened that day but when you think about it, bad things happen every day. We only focus on the ones that matter to us."

  I walk over to the couch to sit down.

  "Does he know?" Heidi appears beside me. "Did you tell him about Amy?"

  Hearing her name, I force myself not to react. It always makes me angry when Heidi says it. It shouldn't, but it does.

  "Yeah, I told him. We talked about it."

  "Really?" she asks, surprised. "You don't even talk to me about it."

  I look at her. "You know I don't like talking about it. With anyone, not just you."

  "So why him? Why Travis? You barely know him."

  "I don't know why I told him. I guess because he told me about his brother and...I don't know. I just ended up telling him and then we talked about it."

  "Well, that's good, isn't it? That you were able to talk to him? At least you're talking to someone."

  This is another reason I avoid her. She goes into therapist mode whenever the topic of Amy comes up. Heidi saw one of the school counselors after the accident and now she thinks she's a therapist. I know she's only trying to help but it makes me not want to be around her.

  "I'm going to go study for a test," I say, getting up.

  "Skye, wait."

  "Heidi, I really have to study."

  "I'm just saying, it's good you can talk to him. Maybe it means something."

  "Like what?"

  "Like maybe you two could be friends. Or more than that."

  "I'm not dating him. I have to go. See ya later." I go in my room and collapse on my bed. It's still early but I'm really tired. Too tired to study.

  I change into my sleep tank and shorts and get into bed. I open my nightstand drawer and pull out her photo, the one I talk to every night before bed.

  "I'm sorry, Amy," I tell her, my eyes on her big bright smile. The one that used to make me smile back, even when I didn't want to. She had such a contagious spirit. If she was happy, I couldn't help but be happy too, which she knew, and used to cheer me up whenever I was feeling down.

  "I'm sorry I couldn't do it," I say, a tear trickling down my cheek. "I wanted to be with you. I really did. But then...I just couldn't do it."

  I wanted to tell her this the other night but then didn't because I spent the night on the phone with Travis instead. Then last night I tried but didn't know what to say and ended up falling asleep with her photo in my hand.

  "I wasn't sure if it would even work," I tell her. "What if I did it and then we didn't end up in the same place?" I wipe my eyes. "I'm so confused, Amy. I'd planned it for so long, since the day you were gone, and then when it came time to do it, I couldn't. Even if Travis hadn't showed up, I don't know if I could've gone through with it. I hope you don't hate me for that. I really did try." I wipe the tears from my face. "I haven't told you about Travis. He's this guy I met on the bridge that night. He saw my car on the bridge and stopped to help. He's a mechanic. And an engineer. He's really smart. And really hot." I smile. "You'd go crazy if you saw him. You should've seen Heidi tonight. Her jaw practically dropped to the floor when she saw him. She thinks I should date him, which is exactly what you would say too. You'd tell me he's perfect for me and then I'd tell you you're crazy and we'd argue about it until you'd eventually convince me to ask him out."

  Amy was an expert at convincing me to do stuff I'd normally never do. Nobody else could do that. Only her. She understood me better than anyone, even myself, so I trusted her judgment. I asked out two guys in high school because of her. I was scared to death to do it but they both said yes and I ended up going to homecoming with one and prom with the other. Then in college, I really liked this guy that worked at the bookstore and once again, she convinced me to ask him out. Turns out he had a girlfriend so after that I told her I'm never asking a guy out again. But of course she changed my mind and the next week I asked out a guy I met at the library. We dated a few weeks before I broke it off.

  "I like him, Amy," I say, staring at her picture. "I really like Travis. And it's not just because he's hot. It's more than that. You're not going to believe this but I told him about you. I told him what happened. Last Saturday night, we spent the whole night on the phone. He never hung up. Because he didn't want me to be alone. He didn't want to be alone either. This is going to sound crazy but his brother died the same day you did. It was a motorcycle accident out on some country road not too far from here. I don't remember hearing about it but I'm sure it was on the news."

  I pause and take a breath.

  "He's doing so much better than me. I don't know how he does it, Amy. How he can just go on after losing his brother. And his dad is in a nursing home. He's losing his memory. Sometimes he doesn't even know who Travis is. It's really sad. In a way it's like he lost his dad, too. But somehow he's doing better than me. I wish I knew his secret because I just can't seem to get better."

  Closing my eyes I tense up, pre
paring to see images of the accident, which seems to always happen when I close my eyes. But instead I see images of Iris and that ratty stuffed dog she kept trying to give me.

  I smile. "I met this little girl today," I tell Amy. "She was really cute. She was three and a quarter. I don't think she even knew what the quarter meant but she kept telling me that was her age. She wouldn't leave me alone. She kept trying to give me Barney, her stuffed dog. You would've loved her. Remember when we used to talk about our kids? You were going to have three; two girls and one boy. I was going to have two; twins so I'd only have to be pregnant once." I laugh. "As if I could control that." I get serious again. "Now I don't know if I even want kids. Or if I ever want to get married. None of that stuff matters to me anymore. I know it should but it doesn't. Nothing does. I just feel like I'm going through each day without knowing why. Without you, it just doesn't seem right. I don't even know why I'm here."

  My phone rings, startling me. I look and see it's Travis calling.

  "Amy, I should get this. He's probably calling about work." I put her photo back in the drawer and answer the call. "Hey, Travis."

  "Hey, are you busy?"

  "Not really. Why?"

  "I wanted to talk to you."

  "About what?"

  He laughs. "Can't I just call to talk?"

  "Um, I guess, but we just talked at dinner."

  "Okay, well, if you don't want to talk, then I'll make this quick. A customer just called me. She had some comments about you."

  Someone complained about me? On my first day? I thought I did a good job.

  12

  Travis

  "What kind of comments?" Skye asks, sounding panicked. "Did I do something wrong?"

  "Relax. These were good comments."

  "From who? Who called you?"

  "Shannon. The woman with the little girl. She called to compliment you."

  "Compliment me on what?"

  "The way you handled the customers. She said the old guy was being kind of rude, complaining his car was taking too long, but that you were able to calm him down and actually made him smile. Is that true?"

  "Yeah, but it wasn't a big deal. I just talked to him a little. Asked him about himself. He told me about his grandkids and the stuff they're involved in."

  "So you engaged the customers. Showed interest. Showed that you care. That's great, Skye. That's exactly the kind of customer interaction I want for the place. That's what keeps people coming back. Shannon also said you helped the other guy with his phone."

  "That was nothing. He was just having issues posting an image to this file sharing site for work. I showed him how to do it. That's all."

  "You solved a problem for him. Went above and beyond for the customer. Skye, this is stuff people remember. It's why they'll tell their friends to come to my shop instead of someone else's. You probably got me a few new customers today."

  "Really?"

  "Definitely. Probably more than a few. Shannon was so impressed with you she's already told her friends and family to come here instead of Auto Fix. She went on and on about how grateful she was that you entertained her daughter so she could get some work done. She wanted to give you a tip but I told her we don't do that. I assured her you'd get a bonus instead. So I'm giving you fifty bucks. Cash. It won't be part of our deal. It's just money you can use for whatever you want."

  "Thanks, but you can just take it off my hours. The sooner I pay off the car repairs, the better."

  "I don't want this going to the car. This is money you earned for doing an excellent job. I want you to take it and reward yourself with something. Clothes. Shoes. A manicure. Whatever you want."

  The phone goes silent.

  "Skye? You still there?"

  "Yeah," she says, her voice sounding distant.

  "Is something wrong?"

  There's silence and then, "The manicure thing. It just reminded me of something."

  "What'd it remind you of?"

  "Nothing. Just forget it."

  "Skye, tell me. Is this about...Amy?" I cautiously ask.

  "Yeah." She pauses. "Amy used to make me go with her to get manicures. It wasn't really my thing. I don't like my nails painted. My toes? Yes. But not my fingers. But I'd still go with Amy to get manicures because it was one of her favorite things to do."

  "And now you don't go."

  "No. But like I said, it's not really my thing. Heidi likes them. It's one of her favorite things too. She's like Amy that way."

  "Maybe you two should go."

  "Heidi and me? No. We don't do stuff together."

  "Why not? I thought you liked her."

  "I do, but she was really more of Amy's friend. Not mine."

  "Doesn't mean you two can't hang out. She seems like a nice girl."

  "She is. She's just—"

  The phone gets quiet again.

  "Skye? You still there?"

  More silence, then I hear her take a breath. "She'd be so mad at me," she says, sounding distant again.

  "Why would she be mad?" I ask, not sure who 'she' is but deciding not to ask.

  "Because they were really good friends. And you're right. Heidi's a nice person. She's tried to be friends with me but I won't let her."

  "Why not?"

  "Because they're so much alike. I...I don't know if I can. But if she were here, if she saw me acting this way, she'd be so mad. She'd tell me to get over it and stop thinking only of myself."

  "Is that what you're doing?"

  "I didn't think I was, but maybe I am. Heidi's always asking me to do stuff but I turn her down. I don't know why she'd even want to be friends with me. Maybe it's just because she feels sorry for me."

  "I used to think the same thing after my brother died. Business at the shop picked up after I took over. I assumed it was because people felt sorry for me after what happened. But it turns out most of them didn't even know. The increased business was because people liked the job I was doing and told their friends. It wasn't because they felt sorry for me. I think Heidi really does want to be your friend. Why don't you do something with her? Just try it once and see how it goes?"

  She hesitates. "I guess I could."

  "Don't overthink it. Just do it. Ask her tonight before you change your mind."

  "I don't know. I'm not sure it's a good idea."

  "You'll never know unless you try. Go ask her. I'll see you tomorrow."

  I end the call before she can come up with more excuses. This is something she needs to do. It's something I need to do too. I don't mean the part about making friends. I don't have a problem with that. What I'm struggling with is talking to Seth's friend, Marcus.

  Just like Heidi and Amy, Seth and Marcus were so alike it was scary. They even sounded the same when they talked. They got to be friends when I went off to college so I don't know the guy that well but I know he considered Seth to be like a brother. The army shipped Marcus overseas the day after Seth died so I never got a chance to talk to him and he didn't come back for the funeral. I called him the following week but he didn't return my call.

  Marcus knew my brother better than I did. All those years I was away at college, I didn't talk to Seth much. We were both really busy and I only came home at holidays. Marcus saw Seth every day. He knows the brother I didn't get to see. The older, more mature Seth I wish I'd spent more time with. But I'm not sure if Marcus would tell me much. He may be too wrapped up in his grief to talk about Seth. That's why I haven't called him back. I'm giving him more time, and myself more time, because, like Skye, sometimes it's really hard to talk about Seth. Even if I want to, it's still hard.

  The next day at noon, I pick up Skye at her apartment. She's waiting for me in the parking lot, wearing a dark denim skirt and white t-shirt. I smile, because it looks like the girl version of what I wear every day in the garage. I wonder if she planned that or if it's just a coincidence. Either way, she looks smoking hot. That skirt ends mid-thigh, which is probably shorter than I should allow for o
ne of my employees, but I'm enjoying the view of her legs way too much to tell her to change.

  "Good afternoon," I tell her as she gets in my truck. Not gonna lie. I snuck a peek when she lifted her leg up to get in and caught a glimpse of her panties. Inappropriate? Yes. Did I like what I saw? Hell, yeah. Silky black panties, just like I imagined she'd wear.

  I know I shouldn't have looked but technically, she's not my employee. I'm not paying her. She's not even on the payroll. I just had her fill out the paperwork to keep on file in case anyone questions her employee status.

  "Hey," she says, putting her seatbelt on.

  "Did you talk to Heidi last night?" I ask, pulling out of the parking lot.

  "Yeah."

  I stop the truck. "And?"

  "And she thought I was crazy."

  "She turned you down?"

  "No. She was just so surprised she didn't respond at first. She just stared at me. Like I'd lost my mind."

  "What'd you tell her?"

  "I just asked if she wanted to get a manicure with me. I told her it was my treat. That I got a bonus at work."

  "You did?" I'm beaming, shocked that she actually did what I suggested, and even more shocked that she's using her bonus money to take this girl out. "That's great!" I start driving again. "So she said yes?"

  "Yeah. Once she got over her shock, she got up and hugged me and told me how excited she was. She wants to do it this Saturday but I told her I have to work."

  "Go. I'll give you the day off."

  "I don't need all day. We only need an hour. She wants to go in the morning. She's meeting Brad at noon for lunch and then spending the rest of the day with him."

  "So go in the morning and then come into work. I'm good with that."

  "You sure?"

  "Absolutely. You're interacting with customers now. You need to fix yourself up."

  I'm totally kidding, and she's going to get mad at me for saying that, but I like riling her up.

  "What's that supposed to mean?"

  "Your nails are looking a little raggedy."

  "Raggedy?" She looks at her hands. "They're not raggedy. That's not even a word."

  "Sure it is. It's a form of ragged, which means scruffy. Shabby." I glance at her and see her glaring at me. She's definitely pissed.