With Every Breath

by Everhart, Allie

  "That's why you weren't hungry," she says quietly. "Travis, your dad will forgive you if you sell the place. He may not even..." She pauses. "He wouldn't have to know."

  "But I would know. And I'd feel sick about it. I'd feel sick knowing I sold what my dad worked his whole life to create. He sacrificed everything for that place. We all did."

  "You don't have to sell it right now. You can wait until you're ready. There's no rush."

  "I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Selling it means selling Dad's dream. And Seth's dream."

  "But it's not YOUR dream."

  "I'm not sure that matters anymore. Seth and I promised my dad we'd never sell the place. Seth was going to run it and if he ever needed financial help to keep it going, I told him I'd give him the money. I knew I'd have a good job with a decent salary that would allow me to help out if Seth needed it. That was the plan. But when Seth died, everything changed. I can't blame him for dying but sometimes I'm so pissed at him for leaving me with all this. My life's turned into something I never wanted. I know it's wrong of me to complain, given that I'm alive and he's not, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm left picking up the pieces. I'm all my dad has left so I can't leave him. I can't just move away. And the garage? Yeah, I could sell it but it'd kill me to do it knowing how much my dad loves that place and knowing it was Seth's dream to keep it going."

  "It's your life, Travis. You can't live it for other people. You have to do what makes you happy."

  "But I honestly don't know what that looks like anymore. After Seth died, what I thought I wanted in life changed. Now I don't know what I want. I have too many things to consider. The only thing I'm sure about is you. You make me happy, Skye, but I'm afraid I'm going to lose you."

  "You're not going to lose me." She leans over and hugs me. "I love you. I'm not going anywhere."

  I lie on my back and hold her in my arms and we remain there until we fall asleep. When I wake up, it's morning and she's not there. I hear her in the kitchen and go to find her.

  "Hey! You're awake!" She smiles and races over to me, giving me a hug.

  "How long have you been up?"

  "About an hour." She returns to the stove. "I showered, then did some reading for class and now I'm making eggs. You want some?"

  "Sure." I grab a mug from the cupboard and go over to the coffeemaker.

  "So what do you want to do today?" she asks, moving the eggs around in the pan.

  "I should probably work. I've got two cars I haven't even started on. I thought I'd get to them yesterday but we were too busy."

  "Forget the cars," she says, walking up to me and putting her arms around me. "Take the day off."

  "I'm the boss. I don't get days off."

  "Tell the boss you need a break and take the day off."

  I smile. "The boss isn't that reasonable. He'd kick my ass if I didn't work."

  "Then he's not a very good boss. You should fire him."

  "I would, but unfortunately, he's also the owner." I kiss her. "I think your eggs are burning."

  She goes back to the stove and turns it off. "I really think you need today off."

  "I can't. I have too much to do. And I'm already taking next Saturday off. I can't take off two days in a week."

  "About the party," she says, dividing the eggs between two plates. "I don't think I want to go. I think I'll call Uncle Ray and tell him I can't make it."

  "Why don't you want to go?"

  She takes the plates to the table and sets them down. "Because I'm really happy right now and I don't want to ruin it all by going to see my aunt."

  "She's not going to ruin anything. Just go to the party, wish her a happy birthday, have some cake and leave. It's no big deal."

  We sit down and she eyes me across the table. "No big deal? That's like me telling you it's no big deal to sell the garage. You know how you always tell me it's complicated? It's the same for me and my aunt. She pretends to be nice but I know it's all for show, which she proves when she does stuff like making me work for you to pay off my car repair bill. She knew I didn't want a job, especially one at a garage. She suggested it because she can't stand me and wants to get back at me for ruining her life by living with her all these years."

  "I don't think that's true. And her suggestion to have you work for me ended up being good. We probably wouldn't be together if she hadn't done that."

  "We might have." She smiles. "I thought you were hot. I would've found ways to come back and see you."

  "Like breaking your car every week?"

  She laughs. "Maybe, although then my aunt would take the car, saying it's costing too much to repair."

  "I say just go to the party. It'll make your uncle happy. And who knows? Maybe your aunt will surprise you and tell you how much it meant to have you there."

  "Yeah, right," Skye says, rolling her eyes. "You clearly don't know my aunt."

  My phone dings and I read the text.

  "Who is it?" Skye asks before taking a bite of her eggs.

  "It's from Ann. It's a reminder about the party tonight." I set my phone down.

  "You know, most girlfriends would be bothered by the fact that you're still texting your ex."

  "I don't text her," I say, shoveling eggs in my mouth. "And she only texted me because of the party. We're still going, right?"

  "We can, or we can skip it if you want. You seemed to have lost interest in it."

  "It just seems odd having it on a Sunday night. Doesn't seem like Halloween either. I guess I'm just not in a party mood. Or a Halloween mood."

  "Then let's fix that," she says, getting up. She takes my plate. "Go clean up."

  "Why? What are we doing?"

  "We're going to get a pumpkin. And candy. Then we're going to get you a costume for tonight."

  "What about you? You need a costume."

  "I already have one. You bought me that pointy princess hat."

  "That's not a costume."

  "Not on its own. But I have this poufy pink dress my aunt bought me a couple years ago and if I wear it with the hat, it's the perfect princess outfit."

  "Your aunt bought you a poufy pink dress?" I ask with a smile.

  "I told you she hates me. Now go get ready."

  When I'm showered and dressed, I meet her in the living room. She's on the couch with her laptop but gets up when she sees me. "Ready to go?"

  "Yeah, but where are we going?"

  "To the grocery store. They're the only place open right now that sells pumpkins. And they have candy so it works out well." She goes to get her wallet from the kitchen table.

  "What's that?" I ask, pointing to a painting sitting on the floor by the window. It's a painting of a city with the sun setting in the background.

  She looks to where I'm pointing. "Oh, that's just an assignment for class. I got it back on Friday."

  I walk over to it and pick it up. "You did this?"

  "Yeah. Why?"

  "It's freaking amazing. This looks like a professional artist did it."

  "Really?" She laughs a little. "Then maybe I'll actually get a job someday."

  "You could have a job right now. This is incredible." I hold it up. "What city is this?"

  "Just a made-up city. Amy and I always talked about having an apartment in the city someday but we could never decide what city. I painted that to look like what I was thinking for a city."

  I set it down. "What else can you show me?"

  "I don't have anything else." She walks to the door. "Let's go."

  I meet her in the hall. "Why don't you ever show me your artwork?"

  "Because it's not that good. And the stuff I have is all for school. It's not stuff I'd choose to do if I could paint whatever I want."

  "What would you do? If you weren't doing it for class?"

  She shrugs as she locks her door. "Depends on my mood."

  We walk to the stairs. "What would you paint today?"

  "Hmm," she says as we head outside to the parking lot. "Ma
ybe something spooky for Halloween. Like a cemetery. At night, with a full moon."

  "You think cemeteries are spooky?" I ask as we get in the truck.

  "Yes." She shudders. "I've always thought they were creepy."

  "Have you even been to one?"

  "No. I went to Amy's funeral but I didn't go to the gravesite. It would've freaked me out too much."

  "Cemeteries aren't spooky. Or creepy," I say, turning left instead of right.

  "Where are you going? The store is to the right."

  "I want to prove to you they're not creepy."

  "Wait—what?" She looks all around us. "Where are you taking me?"

  "To the cemetery."

  "On Halloween? Are you freaking crazy?" She shakes her head. "No way. I'm not going. If you go there, I swear, I'm locking myself in the truck and closing my eyes."

  "Why would you close your eyes?"

  "Because I don't want to see dead people. Spirits. Ghosts. Whatever you call them."

  I laugh. "You seriously think you'll see ghosts?"

  "Or zombies. Who knows? I don't want to find out. Turn around. I'm not doing this. This isn't funny, Travis. I'm not kidding. Turn around."

  "I want you to meet him," I say, slowing down as we approach the road that goes to the cemetery. "Would you at least meet him? After that, I promise we can go."

  I hear Skye's breaths speeding up as I stop the truck just in front of the cemetery entrance.

  She closes her eyes. "Oh, God, we're here. Don't go in there. Please. Just stay here. Or better yet, turn around."

  "We have to walk a little but it's not far. He's just beyond the gate."

  She opens her eyes and looks at me. "Are you talking about your brother?"

  "Yeah." I point just ahead of us. "Seth is right over there. I used to come see him every Sunday morning but since I've been with you, I haven't been able to get here as much. I really want to go see him so if you don't want to go, would you be willing to just wait here?"

  She nods. "Of course. Go ahead."

  I get out of the truck and when I'm almost at the gate, I hear her behind me. "Travis, wait!"

  I stop and turn around. "I thought you weren't coming."

  "I wasn't." She catches up to me. "But I changed my mind."

  "Why?"

  "Because I love you." She takes my hand, a determined look on her face as she stares at the gate. "Now let's do this before I chicken out."

  "You'll be fine." I lean down and kiss her. "It's not creepy. I swear."

  Leading her through the gate, I stop at the first row. The second stone in is Seth's. My dad wanted him to be buried by my mom but all the spots around her were already taken. My dad bought the spot right next to her for himself years ago, and given how his health is failing, I'm thinking he'll be there sooner than I thought.

  I'm not ready for my dad to go but I wasn't ready for Seth to go either. It's the part of life I hate the most. People are taken from us before we're ready. Before we're prepared to tell them goodbye. My mother died suddenly and so did Seth. I know my dad's death is coming. I can see him slipping away, but even knowing that, it doesn't make it any easier.

  "Hey, man," I say, crouching down in front of Seth's stone. "Sorry I haven't been here for awhile. I've been busy with the shop. Taking care of Dad. And I met a girl." I stand up and take her hand. "This is Skye. She's completely freaked out by cemeteries so don't suddenly turn into ghost form and start walking around. You'll scare the shit out of her."

  She whacks my arm. "Not funny."

  I smile at her. "Seth would find it hilarious."

  She shakes her head, then leans down to Seth's stone. "It's nice to meet you, Seth. I really am scared of cemeteries but..." she looks around, "I guess it's not that bad. And I'm glad I was able to finally meet you. Your brother talks about you all the time." She squeezes my hand and looks back at me. "He really misses you."

  "Even though you were a pain in the ass sometimes," I joke. "But she's right. I miss you, man. More than you'll ever know." I tug on Skye's hand. "We can go now. I know you don't like being here."

  She looks around, not saying anything. A bird chirps overhead and the leaves rustle, but everything else is silent. The sky is blue and sunny but there's an autumn chill in the air.

  Skye turns to me. "Can we stay a few minutes?"

  "I thought you wanted to go."

  "I did, but I don't know...it's actually kind of peaceful here. Are we allowed to sit down?"

  "Yeah. Of course."

  We sit down on the grass in front of Seth's stone. I keep hold of Skye's hand so she isn't scared, although she seems much calmer now. Her breaths are steady and she's not frantically looking for the exit like she was just minutes ago.

  "I lost someone too," she says, talking to Seth's stone. "Her name was Amy. She was my cousin but she was more like a sister. We were the same age. We did everything together." Skye squeezes her eyes shut. "And then she was gone."

  "Skye." I scoot over and put my arm around her.

  She looks up at me. "I want to tell him."

  I nod. "Go ahead.”

  Her eyes go back to the stone. "I still miss her. I miss her so much. I think about her all the time. I've wanted to go see her but I haven't been able to. I'm too afraid, not just of the cemetery but of seeing her there. I don't want to see her that way. Because seeing her there means she's really gone and never coming back. But sometimes I wish I could do it. I wish I could go. I feel like she'd want me to." She wipes her eyes.

  My arm tightens around her. "Skye, if you ever want to go, I'll go with you."

  She nods and talks to Seth again. "I really love your brother. I haven't dated him long but I know I love him. He's a really good person. A good boyfriend. A good son. And I'm sure he was a great brother too."

  "He might debate you on that," I kid.

  She smiles. "I know he was. I can tell by how he talks about you. And I want you to know, Seth, that Travis is doing a great job running the garage. He's getting a lot more business and he fixed up the waiting area. It looks really good now."

  "That was actually Skye's work, not mine," I say.

  "You'd be proud of him if you were here," she continues. "I definitely am."

  Now she's making me tear up. I pull her into my side. "I love you."

  "I love you too," she whispers. "Thank you for this. For taking me here."

  I was worried about taking her here but maybe it's good for her. Maybe her being here will help her heal.

  20

  Skye

  "We're gonna head out," Travis says, talking to Seth. "Apparently, I'm not in the proper Halloween spirit so we're going to get pumpkins and candy."

  "And a costume," I add. "We're going to a Halloween party tonight."

  "At your favorite bar," Travis says to Seth. "The place is still a shithole but the beer is always cold." He stands up, then helps me up and takes my hand. "I'll be back soon, bro."

  We walk off, hand in hand, back to the truck. As we're driving off, I see all the other gravestones and can't help but think one of those could be me. If I'd gone through with my plan I'd be dead right now. I'd be like Seth and Amy. Under the ground. Under a stone.

  "You okay?" Travis asks, reaching over to hold my hand.

  "Yeah." I smile at him. "Let's go find some pumpkins."

  He looks at me like he knows something's off with me but I'm sure he's thinking it's because of the cemetery and the feelings I had being there and meeting his brother. Part of me wants to tell Travis the real reason I'm feeling this way. What I was really doing at the bridge that night. But I'm afraid to tell him. I'm afraid of what he'll think, what he'll say, how he'll react. So I keep quiet and just pretend my silence is from being at the cemetery.

  We talk about it later and I tell him that's what it was. I was quiet because I was thinking about his brother and about Amy and how I should go visit her. We decide we'll do it together when I'm ready. I'm not sure when that'll be but I really do want
to go to her grave. Talk to her. Tell her I'm okay.

  I'm not really okay. I'm still struggling, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. Travis has helped me out of the darkness I was drowning in. I feel like I'm in the light now but it's a dim light. One that's still clouded by sadness and guilt, and regret over what happened that night.

  We get our pumpkins and candy and bring them back to the garage. I set everything up in Travis' apartment, making it look at least a little festive. We have lunch then find him a costume at the drug store, which already has them on clearance. We got him a pirate costume because it's the only costume they had left in his size.

  Travis spends the afternoon working in the garage while I study in his apartment. At seven we go to the bar, which is packed with people wearing costumes much better than ours. The prize for the costume contest is $500 so a lot of people showed up.

  "How much longer you want to stay?" Travis asks, practically yelling in my ear so I can hear him above the music.

  "You want to leave? It's only eight. We've only been here an hour."

  He moves to let someone by as someone else bumps into me, spilling some of my drink.

  "It's too crowded," he says. "And I'm dripping sweat in this costume."

  It's just a white shirt with a black vest and pirate's hat. He wore black jeans and boots with it and wouldn't wear the eye patch so it's really not much of costume. Mine isn't either. The pink dress hits just above my knees so doesn't look like the long evening gown a princess would wear. The hat is fun but nobody can figure out what I'm supposed to be. I've been called a nymph, a good witch, and a fairy. No one has guessed I'm a princess.

  "I guess we could go," I say, noticing it's even more crowded than when we got here. And he's right about it being hot. The heat's cranked up way too high and all the people here are making it even hotter.

  "If you want to stay, we can. I just need to go outside and cool off for a minute."

  "That's okay. We can go. Just let me finish my drink." I gulp it down. It's a Halloween martini made with purple vodka. It's really strong and I've had three in the last hour. Travis had a beer but it was an hour ago and he only drank half of it.