With Every Breath

by Everhart, Allie

  I stare at him. "So what exactly are you saying? That we're breaking up? That you don't want to see me again?"

  "Let's give it some time." His eyes remain on the front window. He won't even look at me.

  "Time? Meaning we're not going to see each other? Or talk to each other?"

  He doesn't answer. I get out of the truck and slam the door, then watch as he drives away.

  I guess that's it. We're over. Just this morning we were talking about a future together and now we're broken up. No longer friends. Not even talking.

  I knew I shouldn't have told him the truth.

  21

  Skye

  "Don't you look lovely today," Janice says as she looks me up and down. She's one of my aunt's friends from church.

  "Thanks," I tell her. "I'm going to go get some punch."

  "Yes, certainly. Go ahead, dear," she says, and I hurry off before I'm stuck talking to her.

  It's Saturday and I'm at my aunt's party, alone, because Travis and I aren't a couple anymore. I haven't even spoken to him since he dropped me off Sunday night.

  Now that some time has passed, I'm no longer angry at him for reacting that way after I told him about that night. I don't agree with him but I understand why he feels the way he does. I just don't get why that made him break up with me. He didn't actually break up with me but I'm guessing that's what his silence means. I could reach out to him and ask but I haven't because I fear his answer will be that it's over between us.

  "Hey, kiddo," Uncle Ray says as he comes in the kitchen. I'm standing at the fridge, looking for something other than punch to drink but the only thing they have is skim milk.

  "Hey." I shut the fridge. "You have any pop?"

  "No. Sorry. I would've bought some for you but I wasn't sure if you'd be here."

  "I told you I was coming."

  "Yes, but I wasn't sure if you actually would." He comes in front of me, standing with his arms crossed as he leans back on the center island. "So what's new?"

  I shrug. "Not much."

  "I thought you were bringing Travis with you today."

  "I was, but he had to work."

  "You sure it's not some other reason?"

  "Like what?"

  His brows rise. "Like maybe you two broke up?"

  Turning my back to him, I open the pantry door. "Do you have anything to drink besides milk?"

  "Just water." He comes up beside me. "What happened?"

  "What do you mean?" I ask, shutting the pantry door.

  "What happened with you and Travis?"

  "We should get out there," I say, motioning to the party going on in the other room. "Aunt Nora will be looking for us."

  "She's in the guest room showing Lorraine the quilt she just finished."

  "Still, we should be mingling with the guests." I start to leave but he holds onto my arm, stopping me.

  "The guests are fine. Now tell me what happened."

  I sigh. "We had a fight, or more like a disagreement."

  "Over what?"

  I can't tell him the truth. I don't want him knowing what I almost did the night I met Travis. And I definitely can't tell him why. Despite what Travis said, I still feel like Amy's death was my fault and I don't want my aunt and uncle to ever find out their daughter might still be alive if it weren't for me.

  "Skye, what happened? What were you fighting about?"

  "I don't want to talk about it. I'm not even sure we broke up. We haven't spoken for a week so I assume that means it's over but I really don't know."

  "How are you not speaking when you work together?"

  "We don't. Travis told me I didn't need to work there anymore."

  "I see," Uncle Ray says, nodding as he rubs his chin. "Do you want it to be over?"

  "No." I look down. "I miss him."

  "Then talk to him. Call him up, or just show up at the garage."

  "I can't."

  "Why not?"

  "Because he already knows I don't want this to end. He's the one who doesn't want to see me anymore."

  "Skye, don't make assumptions like that. If Travis hasn't actually come out and said those words, then you can't assume that's what he's thinking."

  "He doesn't need to say it. His actions tell me all I need to know. He fired me and hasn't contacted me all week. He didn't even bother to tell me he couldn't make it today. I mean, obviously I knew he wouldn't come but he still could've told me."

  "Honey, listen to me." Uncle Ray puts his hand on my shoulder. "Relationships are about putting your pride and stubbornness aside and doing what's best for the relationship. Waiting for the other person to make the first move will just lead to the outcome you're trying to avoid. Travis may very well think you've decided this relationship isn't what you want. Or maybe he thinks you've found someone else. If you really want to be with Travis, then tell him. Don't just sit around waiting for something to happen."

  "I don't know," I say, leaning against the counter. "Maybe it's best if I don't date anyone right now. I have classes and homework and—"

  "Do you love him?"

  His question surprises me, given the short time I've dated Travis. I thought my uncle would think it's too soon to be in love.

  "Maybe," I mutter, looking down.

  "I'm guessing it's more of a yes."

  My eyes lift to his. "Why do you think I love him? You've only seen us together a couple times."

  "But I know my niece, and the past few weeks, I've seen changes in you."

  "What kind of changes?"

  "You've become more like the girl you used to be. You've been smiling more. Laughing. You're even wearing something other than black." He points to my dark purple dress.

  "Aunt Nora got it for me a couple years ago. I never wore it but I thought she'd like seeing it on me for her party."

  "That's another change I've noticed. You've been kinder to your aunt."

  "I'm always kind to her," I insist.

  He gives me a look that tells me I'm not.

  "Okay, so maybe I don't always get along with her but it goes both ways. She isn't exactly nice to me either."

  "But despite your issues with her, you showed up today. Wore the dress she bought you. You even got her a present."

  "Because it's her birthday. I always get her a present."

  "Last year you didn't even come out of your room on her birthday."

  "Last year doesn't count. It was...it was too soon."

  "She wanted to see you. She wanted you to come to dinner with us that night, or at least have some cake with us when we got home."

  "Why? She doesn't even like me."

  "You're doing it again."

  "Doing what?"

  "Making assumptions based on what you think is true."

  "If it's not true she should tell me that, or stop treating me like she doesn't want me around."

  "Your aunt isn't perfect. She's doing the best she can. If you would just take the time to sit down with her I think you'd find things aren't how you imagine them to be."

  "Meaning what?"

  He sighs, sounding frustrated. "Just talk to her. At least consider it. The same goes for Travis. Talking to him may not end the way you want it to but at least you can stop staying up all night wondering what he's thinking."

  "I don't stay up all night," I say defensively.

  "The bags under your eyes would say otherwise."

  My jaw drops. "I don't have bags!" I spot my aunt's silver platter on the counter and pick it up, using it as a mirror.

  He chuckles as he brings me in for a hug. "Stop torturing yourself and talk to Travis." He kisses my head. "I'm going to get back to the party."

  I set the platter down. I probably do have bags under my eyes. How else would he know I've been up all night thinking about Travis? Maybe my uncle's right and I should talk to him but I don't know what to say.

  Leaving the kitchen, I return to the party and see my aunt across the room, talking to someone. I catch her eye and sh
e motions me to come over. Other than a quick hello at the door, I haven't spoken to her yet.

  When I reach her, the person she was talking to has left, leaving the two of us alone. I get nervous when it's just her and me. I never know what to say.

  "Skye, it's so good having you home." She gives me a hug, which is a little strange. We don't usually hug. We did when I was younger but not so much the past few years.

  "Do you like your party?" I ask, trying to come up with small talk.

  "It's very nice," she says, looking around. "Ray did a wonderful job. I told him he didn't need to bother with a party but he insisted."

  "It's nice," I say, noticing the twinkling lights and flowers he put out for the party. He's not at all a decorator but he did his best and it really does look nice.

  "I'm so lucky to have him," she says, her eyes on Uncle Ray as he talks to someone across the room. "When you find a man like him, you don't let him go."

  Maybe it's because I have Travis on the brain but it almost sounds like she's talking about me. Like she's giving me advice without really telling me what to do.

  "Did you like your present?" I ask, changing topics.

  "Oh, yes," she says, her eyes going back to me. "It was very thoughtful. It's got me thinking of all the different things I want to make now."

  Aunt Nora is obsessed with quilting so I got her two quilting books, both full of photos of different types of quilts along with ideas for quilted crafts, like quilted picture frames and quilted placemats. I usually buy something generic for her birthday, like a flower vase or a mug, but this year I wanted to get her something I knew she'd really like.

  "Maybe you could make me something," I kid.

  "Could I?" she asks, taking me seriously. "Because I'd really love to. I've always wanted to make you a quilt for your room but I know you don't like them."

  "It's not that I don't like them. I just don't always like the colors. They're not me."

  She uses a lot of fabrics with flowery prints that remind me of dresses old ladies wear.

  "You could pick out the fabric," she says, holding my arm, her voice rising in excitement. "We could go together! The fabric store is open until nine."

  She's grinning from ear to ear. I haven't seen her this excited in a long time. I was going to drive back tonight but maybe I shouldn't. She really wants to do this and it is her birthday.

  "Would you be okay with me staying here tonight?" I ask. "I don't want to drive back late."

  "Of course! We'd love to have you stay! I was hoping you would, but Ray said you'd be leaving after the party."

  "That was the plan but I'm not in a rush to get home. So if you want to go fabric shopping after the party, I say we do it."

  Her grin gets even wider and she hugs me. "Thank you," she whispers before letting me go.

  What is she thanking me for? And why is she being nice to me? Is she just in a good mood because it's her birthday?

  "I need to go refill the veggie tray," she says.

  "I'll do it," I tell her. "You go enjoy your party."

  "Oh. Thank you," she says, sounding surprised at my offer. "And by the way, that dress looks beautiful on you."

  "Thanks!" I actually do like the dress. It's dark and fitted and made from a knit fabric that doesn't wrinkle. It's way better than the pink one she got me.

  After the party, Uncle Ray takes Aunt Nora and me to dinner at her favorite Italian restaurant, then we drop him off at home and go to the fabric store. Aunt Nora practically lives there so all the employees know her and she insists on introducing me to everyone. I was expecting the place to be full of old ladies but there's people my age there too. I didn't know anyone my age could sew.

  "I'm so excited to get started," my aunt says as we bring the fabric to her sewing room. We spent an hour picking it out and just got home.

  "I really like the fabrics we found. I didn't know they had stuff like that."

  "Oh, yes," my aunt says, setting the fabric on the table she uses to cut it. "There are fabrics for every taste. I tend to prefer florals but I really should try something new. I love the ones you picked out. Such fun colors! It's going to look great in your apartment."

  "Yeah. I think so too."

  She stands there, looking at me. "Well, I suppose you want to go to your room now. Had enough time with your Aunt Nora." She laughs a little, a nervous laugh, and I notice her smile fading as her eyes go to the floor.

  "Actually, could we talk a minute?"

  Her eyes lift. "Talk? Of course." She motions to the small sofa just behind me. "Let's have a seat."

  We sit on the tiny sofa, each taking an end, turning to face each other. My heart's beating fast because I'm not sure what to say or why I'm even saying it. Uncle Ray told me to talk to her but now I'm not sure why I'm doing this. I know she doesn't like me. I don't need to ask. But now she's waiting for me to talk and I don't know what to say.

  Aunt Nora's wringing her hands together on her lap. She's obviously nervous too. Why are we so nervous? We were doing great at the fabric store but now things feel awkward again.

  "So..." she says, forcing out a smile. "What would you like to talk about?"

  "I'm not sure." I nervously tap my foot on the floor. "Maybe we should forget this. I could just go to bed." I start to get up.

  "Skye, wait!"

  "Yeah?" I sit back down.

  "I um...I just want to say how much I appreciate you coming to the party today." She smooths her blond hair, which she cut short after Amy's death. It used to be long like Amy's. For awhile, they almost looked like twins, except Amy wore younger looking clothes.

  "It wasn't a big deal," I tell her. "I was caught up on homework and I don't have to work anymore so..."

  "Yes, I heard. Ray said you're no longer working at the garage."

  "Travis said I'd paid off my bill so at least that's over with."

  "Do you miss it?"

  "Miss what? Working there?" I let out a laugh. "No. I didn't even want the job. I'm glad it's done."

  She nods. "It seemed like you were enjoying it, but perhaps not."

  "I liked the people. We had some regulars who were nice. And I had fun with the little kids."

  "What about Travis?"

  "What about him?"

  "Does this mean you won't be seeing him anymore? Ray mentioned you two were having issues."

  I shrug. "It's probably for the best. I shouldn't be dating right now. I should focus on school."

  "You know..." She runs her hand over her skirt, smoothing the wrinkles. "I wanted you to work there because of him, not because I wanted you to pay us back for the car."

  "I don't understand. What do you mean?"

  Her eyes lift to mine. "I wanted you to become friends with Travis, and I knew the only way you would is if you were forced to spend time with him."

  "Why would you want me to be friends with Travis?"

  "Because I thought he'd be good for you. I thought he might help you..." she clears her throat, "move past what had happened."

  "Why? Why would you think that?"

  "I remember reading in the papers what had happened to his brother. The article mentioned Travis and how he'd be taking over the garage. When I met him, it seemed like he was doing well, given what had happened. I thought maybe he could offer you some insight. Help you find a way to cope. To move on. I didn't expect for you to fall for him the way you did but I suppose it makes sense. You've both been through—"

  "Wait. Hold on. You're saying you set me up with Travis?"

  "I didn't set you up. I simply thought you two could be friends."

  My head is spinning as I try to process what she's saying. So she didn't care about me paying off the car repairs? She just wanted me to work with Travis?

  "I know you were upset with me," she continues. "But you needed something that would get you out of that apartment. I knew if I didn't force you out of there, you'd be lying in bed in your room all the time, like you did when you were here. I
t's not good for you, Skye, to be alone like that. To spend all your time in your room. That's why I made you work last summer. I couldn't take seeing you spend another day in your room. You needed to get out. To experience life again. To be around people your own age."

  "But I thought..." I pause, looking at her, completely confused by what she's telling me. "I thought you were trying to get rid of me. You acted like you were sick of being around me."

  "Oh, honey, no." She reaches over and puts her hand on mine. "That's not it at all. I was just frustrated with you. I wanted you to get better. I'm sorry I pressured you like that but I didn't know what else to do. I was so desperate to help you but I couldn't get through to you. I didn't know how. I couldn't even get you to talk to me. And Ray said you'd stop talking to him last spring. We were both out of ideas for how to help you so we made you get a job. But that didn't seem to work either."

  "What do you mean you tried to talk to me? You avoided me all last year."

  "I wasn't trying to. I just didn't know how to reach out to you without upsetting you."

  "I felt the same way about you. I was afraid to talk to you, especially about Amy. You wouldn't even say her name. And then you acted like it never happened, which made me not want to be around you. At least Uncle Ray would talk about it."

  She nods. "You're right. I didn't talk about it. Or say her name. But it's not because I didn't want to. It's because I couldn't. It hurt too much." A tear runs down her cheek and she quickly wipes it away. "I'm sorry I handled it that way, but Skye, if you had come to me, wanting to talk about her or about how you were feeling, I promise I would've listened. I would've done my best to be there for you."

  I'm not sure I believe her. It's possible I read the situation wrong but I can't imagine her talking to me about Amy, especially back then, when she was in so much pain from losing Amy that just hearing her name upset her.

  "I didn't think I could come to you," I say. "I thought you hated me."

  She lightly squeezes my hand. "Honey, why would you think that?"

  "Because..." I take a breath. "Because I lived and she didn't."

  "Skye, no. That's not true. I never once thought that. It was a tragedy losing Amy but it was a blessing I didn't lose you both. When you were in the hospital, I prayed for God not to take you too. He took one daughter from me but I begged him not to take another."