The O'Ruddy: A Romance

by Stephen Crane

  CHAPTER XXII

  Chord ambled back, very proud indeed, and still wearing his fatuoussmile. He was bursting with a sense of social value, and to everybodyhe seemed to be saying, "Did you see me?" He was overjoyed to find mewaiting for him. He needed a good listener at once. Otherwise he wouldsurely fly to pieces.

  "I have been talking to the Countess of Westport and her daughter,Lady Mary Strepp," he said pompously. "The Countess tells that theEarl has been extremely indisposed during their late journey in theWest."

  He spoke of the Earl's illness with an air of great concern, as if thenews had much upset him. He pretended that the day was quiteover-gloomed for him. Dear, dear! I doubted if he would be able to eatany supper.

  "Have a drop of something, old friend," said I sympathetically. "Youcan't really go on this way. 'Twill ruin your nerves. I am surprisedthat the Countess did not break the news to you more gently. She wasvery inconsiderate, I am sure."

  "No, no, don't blame the poor lady," cried Chord. "She herself wasquite distracted. The moment she saw me she ran to me--did you see herrun to me?"

  "I did that," said I with emphasis.

  "Aye, she ran to me," said the little fool, "and says she, 'Oh, mydear Doctor, I must tell you at once the condition of the Earl.' Andwhen I heard everything I was naturally cut up, as you remarked, beingan old friend of the family, ahem!--yes, an old friend of the family."

  He rattled on with his nonsensical lies, and in the mean time I madeup my mind to speak plainly to him, as I intended to make him of greatservice to me.

  "Stop a moment," said I good-naturedly. "I will hear no more of thisrubbish from you, you impudent little impostor. You care no more forthe Earl of Westport's illness than you do for telling the truth, andI know how much you care for that. Listen to me, and I'll see if Ican't knock some sense into your little addled head. In the firstplace the Earl of Westport and my father were old friends andcompanions-in-arms in the service of the French king, and I came overfrom Ireland especially to take a dying message and a token from myfather to the Earl. That is all you need know about that; but I wouldhave you leave off your prate of your friend the Earl of Westport, forI understand full well you couldn't distinguish between him and achurch door, although 'tis scandalously little you know of churchdoors. So we will stop there on that point. Then I will go on to thenext point. The next point is that I am going to marry Lady MaryStrepp."

  The little Doctor had been choking and stuttering in a great spasm,but my last point bid fair to flatten him out on the floor. I took theoverpowered philosopher and led or carried him to another drink.

  "Stap me!" he cried again and again. "The man is mad!"

  I surveyed him with a bland smile.

  "Let it sink into you," said I soothingly. "Don't snarl and wrangle atit. It is all heaven's truth, and in time you will come to your sensesand see what I am telling you."

  Well, as soon as he had fully recovered his wind, he fell upon me withthousands of questions; for one may see that he would have plenty ofinterest in the matter as soon as he was assured that there was muchveracity involved in one way or another in my early statement. Hisquestions I answered as it pleased me, but I made clear enough to himthat, although Lady Mary was well disposed toward me, neither herfather nor her mother would even so much as look at me if I appliedfor a position as under-footman, I was that low in their estimate.

  "However," said I, "I can rearrange all that very easily. And now, mybucko, here is where your fortune meets mine. You are fitted by naturemore to attend other people's affairs than to take a strict interestin your own. All kinds of meddling and interference come easily toyou. Well, then, here is a chance to exercise your giftsinoffensively, and yet in a way which may make two people happy forlife. I will tell you now that I don't even know where is the Earl'stown house. There is where your importance appears at once. You mustshow me the house. That is the first thing. After that we will arrangeall the details about ladders and garden walls, and, mayhap, carrierdoves. As for your reward, it will appear finally in the shape of abowing recognition by people of fashion, which is what you mostdesire in the world, you funny little man."

  Again I had stunned him. For a time I could see his brain swimming ina perfect sea of bewilderment. But, as before, sense gradually came tohim, and he again volleyed questions at me. But what stuck in his cropwas the thought that Lady Mary could prefer me. He tried his best tobelieve it, but he would always end up by saying: "Well, _if_ LadyMary cares for you, the affair is not too difficult." Or, "Well, ifyou are _sure_ Lady Mary loves you--" I could have broken his head athousand times.

  "Bad luck to you, Doctor," I cried. "Don't you know such croakingwould spoil the peace of any true lover? Is ever any worthy man ablenot to be anxious in such matters? 'Tis only foppery coxcombs who havegreat confidence, and they are usually misled, thank the Lord! Bequiet, now, and try to take everything for granted."

  Then the spirit of the adventure came upon him, and he was all for it,heels over head. As I told him, this sort of meddling was his propervocation. He who as a recreation revelled in the mere shadows of theintrigues of people of quality was now really part of one, an actor init, the repository of its deep secret. I had to curb his enthusiasm.He had such a sense of the importance of my news, and of hisdistinction in having heard it, that I think he wanted to tell thesecret to the entire world.

  As soon as the afternoon grew late I suggested a walk to that part ofLondon in which was situated the Earl's town house. I did not see whywe should not be moving at once on the campaign. The Doctor assented,and we went forth to look for Paddy and Jem Bottles. We found them atan ale-house which was the resort of the chairmen, footmen, andcoachmen of the grand people. The two rogues had evidently passed apleasant afternoon. Jem Bottles was still making love to a very prettygirl, some part of whose easy affection or interest he had won; andPaddy, it seems, had had a rip-roaring fight with two lackeys, worstedthem with despatch, and even pursued them some distance. To my sterninterrogation in regard to the pretty girl, Jem Bottles stoutlyrejoined that she was his second cousin whom he had not seen for manyyears. To this I made no reply, for it does no good to disturb thebalance of a good liar. If at times he is led to tell the truth, hebecomes very puzzling. In all the years Jem Bottles has been in myservice I have never reprimanded him for lying. I would confusematters to no purpose, inasmuch as I understand him perfectly.

  "And how," said I to Paddy, "did you come to engage in thisdisgraceful brawl of a Sunday?"

  "Your honour," answered Paddy, "there was two of these men with fatlegs came here, and says one, looking hard at me, 'Here's a furriner,'he says. 'Furriner yourself, you fish-faced ditch-lurker,' says I, andwith that he takes up his fists and hits me a knock. There was alittle shindy, and afterward they ran away bawling, and I was pursuingthem, only I feared to lose my way in these strange parts."

  The walk to Lord Westport's house was a long one. It seemed that hehad built a great new mansion at a place outside of the old citygates, where other nobles and great brewers had built fine houses,surrounding them all with splendid gardens.

  One must not suppose that I had any idea of taking the mansion bystorm. My first idea was to dream a lover's dream as I gazed upon theabode of my treasure. This, I believe, is a legitimate proceeding inall careers. Every lover worthy of the name is certain to pilgrimage,muffled in his cloak, to moon over the home of his adored one.Otherwise there can be no real attachment.

  In the second place I wished to develop certain plans for gainingspeech of Lady Mary. I will not deny that I purposed on a near day toscale the garden wall and hold speech of my sweetheart as she walkedalone among the flowers. For my success I depended upon the absoluteconventionality of the idea. In all history no lover has even beenchased out of a garden by an under-gardener with a hoe.

  When we arrived at the house I found that it was indeed a gorgeousmansion. It was surrounded on all sides by high brick walls, butthrough the elaborate tracery of one of the iron-work ga
tes I saw LadyMary's home standing among sweeping green lawns.

  We reconnoitred all sides, and at the back I found a lonely avenuelined with oaks. Here a small door pierced the wall for the useapparently of the gardeners or grooms. I resolved that here I wouldmake my attack.

  As we passed the iron gates on our way back to town, we saw windowafter window light up with a golden radiance. I wondered which part ofthat vast edifice hid the form of my Mary.

  I had asked Doctor Chord to sup with me at the inn, and on the waythither he proved somewhat loquacious.

  "I see in you, sir," said he, "a certain instinct of true romancewhich is infrequently encountered in this humdrum commercial age.Allow me to express to you, sir, my warm admiration. I did not thinkthat a gallant of this humdrum commercial age could prove such a freespirit. In this humdrum commercial age--"

  "I am an Irishman," said I, "and in Ireland we are always humdrum, butwe are never commercial, for the reason that we have not the tools."

  "Aye," said he, "you must be a great people. Strangely enough, you arethe first Irishman I have ever seen, although I have seen manyblackamoors. However, I am edified to find you a gentleman of greatlearning and experience. In this humdrum commercial age--"

  "Let go," said I. "I can do very well without your opinion as to mylearning and experience. In regard to this being a humdrum commercialage you will find that all ages say the same thing of themselves. I ammore interested in the winning of Lady Mary."

  "'Twas to that subject I was just about to turn the talk," said theDoctor. "I need not express again to you the interest I feel; and ifit is true, as you say, that Lady Mary really loves you--"

  "May the devil fly away with you," I cried in a great rage. "Are younever to have done? You are an old frog. I asked you to help me, andyou do nothing but dispirit me with these doubts. I'll not put up withit."

  "I am very sorry to displease you, sir," answered my friend. "If youexamine my intentions with a dispassionate eye, sir, I am convincedyou will have found nothing in me which should properly cause theseoutbursts of disapprobation. When I say, 'If Lady Mary really lovesyou,' I am referring to the strange mishaps and misconstructions whichattend human thought at all times, and when I say--"

  "Let go again," I cried. "When I misunderstand you, don't enlightenme; for I find these explanations very hard to bear."

  To my surprise the little man answered with great spirit: "I am unableto gain any approval for my deep interest in your affairs, sir," hecried. "Perchance, it would be better if I could affect a profoundindifference. I am certainly at a loss for words when each sentence ofmine is made the subject of wrathful objection."

  "You are right," said I. "But you will understand how ten thousandemotions beset and haggle a lover, and I believe he always revengeshimself upon his dearest friends. Forgive me!"

  "With all my heart!" answered the little Doctor. "I am aware, sir,that at the present time you are in many ways like a highly-tightenedfiddle, which any breeze frets into murmurings. Now, being absolutelycertain of the devotion of your beloved, you naturally--"

  "By the ten lame pipers of Ballydehob," I shouted, "let go of thattalk. I can't be having it. I warn ye. 'Tis either a grave for me, orquiet for you, and I am thinking it is quiet for you."

  "Inasmuch," said the Doctor, "as my most judicious speeches seem toinflame your passions, sir, I am of the opinion that a perfect silenceon my part becomes almost necessary, and, to further this end, I wouldrecommend that you refrain from making interrogations, or otherwisepromulgating opportunities, when an expression of candid opinion seemsexpected and desired."

  "You've hit it," said I. "We will have no more interrogations.However, I would much like to know how you became so intimate withLord Westport's family."

  Doctor Chord blushed with something of his earlier manner. "'Tis amatter which I did not expect to have leap at me out of the darknessin this fashion," he said bashfully. "However, I am convinced of howwell you know these people, and I will traffic no more with hollowpretence. As you know, I deal much in chemical knowledge, which I amable to spread to almost every branch of human use and need."

  "'Tis an ill work," said I slowly. "I doubt if Father Donovan wouldcare to hear you be speaking in this way. He always objected toscientific improvements as things which do harm to the Church."

  "In regard to the estimable friend you mention," said the Doctor, "Iunhesitatingly state my profound assurances of respect."

  "Quite so," I answered. "He will be pleased to hear of it. And now wewill return to the other matter."

  "I will obediently proceed," said he. "Five years back the Countess ofWestport was thrown from her carriage. Physicians rushed to herrescue. I too appeared, being for the time out for a walk. Theywished to immediately bleed her, but I waved them aside and,recognizing me as a figure in the street world of science, they fellback abashed. I prescribed a small drink of hot rum. The lady took it.Almost immediately she recovered. She offered me a guinea. I refusedcurtly. She inquired here and there for my condition. Afterward sheapologized to me for not offering me more than a guinea. Since thattime we have been warm friends. She knows me as a great scientist whocame to her assistance in time of trouble when numerous quacks wishedto bleed her, and I overpowered them and gave her a drink of rum. 'Tistrue that after she reached her own bed the Earl's physician bled her,but she did not seem to appreciate it although he drew twenty-fiveounces, I think. But she has remained always grateful for the hotrum."