“We love Lila more,” I whispered with the reverence and true love she deserved.
“Yes!” Graham turned away from me, running his hands through his hair and tugging it, a very uncharacteristic move from my perfectly put-together governor friend. “We love her more. I married her, didn’t I?”
I had no clue what he meant by that. Did he think marrying her was some sort of sacrifice? I couldn’t imagine Ronin talking about me like that, even if he had trouble showing his affection for me the previous night.
That still bothered me. I was sure it ate at his ego, his manhood, but it chipped away at my ego too.
Did he no longer find me attractive?
Did he think of someone else … a perfect match like Va-ness-uh? I still thought about her, in weak moments, even though it was many years ago and she moved to Utah the following winter. There would always be another version of her. A good skier. Someone who liked ruffling his hair. Maybe someone who could turn him on, even after a long day and a possible pulled groin.
Fuck … I hated the insecurity. As much as I loved him beyond words, especially those actual words, I wasn’t immune to feeling inferior to made-up thoughts in my head. We had the perfect life with our kids, but we didn’t always have the perfect marriage.
We experienced rough times, like his opioid addiction. On a few occasions, we argued about money, and he would mention moving to somewhere more affordable, seemingly uncaring that I owned a business in Aspen and lived in the house my grandfather built.
“We would have been disastrous together, right? You wouldn’t have given up your job like Lila did to take on the role of the First Lady.”
I shook my head. “W-what are you talking about?”
“Had I not chosen Lila … if I would have fought for you … it would have ended in disaster, or I would have had to choose a simpler life—running the family business while you raised the kids.”
“Jesus, Graham. Seriously? What the hell are you talking about? Fighting for me. Are you delusional?”
He pulled out his phone, giving his attention to the screen instead of answering me, deep concentration etched into his forehead. “I have to go. My assistant will send you copies of the deed to sign as well as all the rental agreements of the other tenants. She’ll also notify them of the transfer of ownership.” He grabbed the back of my head, his signature move, and kissed my forehead for a second time. “Say hi to Ronin. Tell him I’ll call him about golf next week.”
Ronin wasn’t going to play golf with Graham, not if I told him about all the things he just said to me, and more specifically, how he said them. Then again, that was Graham. That had always been Graham—sweet one moment, like gifting me an entire building, and inappropriate the next moment, eluding to ridiculous what-if’s when we were both happily married to other people.
My ability to make sense of it seemed impaired, at best. Lila and I joked about that night in Vancouver, how her tongue ring may or may not have been a little arousing. That didn’t mean we planned to cheat on our spouses or do anything inappropriate. Right? That was because we were friends, but so was Graham. We had sex many years earlier. We joked about it. That didn’t make it less of a mistake.
The ridiculous what-if road led to a disaster. Lila and I didn’t discuss the what-if-we-were-lesbians scenario. We didn’t sit around wondering what our lives would be like had we chosen to be together.
Graham left me with the urge to call Lila. It had been several days since I last talked to her. I needed to hear her voice—gauge her happiness.
“Evie,” she answered on the third ring.
She made my name sound lifeless.
“Hi. How are you?”
“Fine.”
Her “fine” showed no signs of a pulse either.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing.” She sighed so heavily I swear I could feel her breath through the phone. “Why do you ask?”
“Because you sound like someone died. Did someone die?”
“No. Just a little under the weather. Sore throat. Headache. I probably have something.”
“Sorry to hear that. Can I do anything for you?”
Lila attempted a laugh, but it fell flat, more like a grunt. “You’re in Aspen. I’m in Denver. I don’t think it’s worth the drive to bring me chicken noodle soup or something like that. Do you need something?” She got right to the point, no chit-chat.
“No. I was just …” I lost my courage, regretting the phone call. I needed to see her face to truly gauge her mood—her happiness level.
“Just what, Evie?” She sighed again. So many sighs. “Are you okay?”
The truth waited to be set free. I held it between pursed lips for a few seconds. “I’m a little overwhelmed, actually.”
“Oh. Why is that?”
Pacing my lab, I ran my fingers across the stainless-steel benches, checking Sophie’s thoroughness. “Graham was just here.”
“He was?”
“Yes. He didn’t tell you he was coming to Aspen today?”
“No. But that doesn’t mean much. He does his thing. I do mine.”
“I can track Ronin with his phone location.”
“Ronin isn’t governor,” she murmured.
I narrowed my eyes, scratching my chin. “What does that matter?”
“Nothing, Evie. So why are you overwhelmed?”
“Graham gave me the building.”
“What building?”
“This building. My shop building. He signed over the deed to me. Did you have anything to do with this?” I knew she didn’t, but I needed a way to make her feel like I might expect that generosity from them, not just Graham.
“No. I mean … that was really nice of him, and I would have totally agreed with him thinking it’s a great thing to do. But he didn’t mention it to me.”
“It’s … incredibly generous of you guys. I’m blown away, and Ronin will be too. I told Graham it’s too much. But you know Graham, he likes to look like a hero. Always lavishly generous. You married a good man, Lila.” I cringed. Why did I go overboard selling it? Oh, right, I didn’t want her to think it was not only extravagant, but inappropriate—like the way he looked at me, the way he touched my face, and the way his lips lingered on my forehead a few seconds past friendship status.
The Porter curse started to catch up with me, a little dog nipping at my ankles. Feeling indebted to them—owned by them—haunted my conscience. I honestly wasn’t sure I could have said no. When Graham set out to do something, he didn’t stop until he found success. Lila marrying him was the perfect example.
“I think it’s great.” Her somber tone didn’t sell the word great. “You’re family to us. A true sister to him. Family takes care of each other.”
If only he looked at me like a sister, but he didn’t. I felt ninety percent sure of that. The ten percent doubt kept me from confronting him or telling Ronin.
No amount of certainty would convince me to tell Lila. It would forever change our friendship. I couldn’t take that risk. I’d let their marriage fall apart before I’d let anything touch our friendship.
“Yes. We are family.” That was the truth. Lila and I were family. I no longer knew where Graham fit on the family tree. “And family takes care of each other.” I needed to remember that. I needed to take care of Lila. “Let’s do lunch. I can drive down on Wednesday. Ronin has the afternoon off, so he can watch the kiddos.”
“Um … sure. Let me check with Graham.”
“He’s your husband, not your guardian. Why would you need to check with him?”
“Sometimes he makes plans for us.”
“Without checking with you first?”
“Yes, Evie. If you have a problem with it, you’ll have to take it up with Graham. I’m sure it will go over real well given the fact that he just gifted you an entire building.”
Closing my eyes, I let out a long breath. I knew why I felt eternally indebted to Graham. I just didn’t know why
Lila did. Scores weren’t supposed to be kept in marriages. Husbands weren’t supposed to reign over their wives.
CHAPTER THREE
A mile of windy road away from home, my Jeep veered off onto an empty gravel trailhead. Before turning off the ignition, a couple and their dog walked past my door, the lady tossing me a smile as she tightened her ponytail. Then the trees swallowed them up, leaving me alone. I cradled my phone in my hands, letting my thumb hover over my mom’s name in my contacts.
Graham crossed a line. Lila wasn’t herself. And Ronin felt a million miles away after the previous night. I needed someone.
If Ronin could speak of voices in his head, I could call my dead mother. The sound of her voice on the recorded message burned my eyes with hot tears. My hand clenched the phone tighter, as if I could hold her words and pull her back into my life. All this time I had a piece of her lingering in my life. How did I not think to question if my father had disconnected their phone?
You’ve reached Corey and Madeline. We’re too lazy to answer your call. Please leave a message.
Just before it clicked over to record the message, she giggled. My dad must have made her laugh before she ended the recording. I’d never know if he loved Mom like he loved his first love. Their house in Denver sat idle and untouched with the exception of his single bag of clothes that he took to California. That meant something. It meant he wasn’t ready to say goodbye. That kind of denial only existed in the depths of a shattered heart.
“Hey, Mom …”
I blinked, unleashing months of pain. Who was I to judge denial? I hadn’t been to their house since the day of her funeral. Mom lived in those walls—every picture on the mantel, every fringed pillow on the navy crushed velvet sofa, and the baskets filled with quilts stitched by her hands, petite and perfectly suited to thread needles, decorate birthday cakes, and wipe tears. I missed those loving hands.
“You left quite the void.” I laughed, swiping my fingers across my wet cheeks. “Franz still asks about you. I told him you had to leave this life for something new, but part of you lives in the things you loved most, like the birds that gathered at the feeders in your backyard. Now, whenever he sees a bird, he says, ‘There’s grandma.’ It’s beautiful … and completely heartbreaking.”
The fragility of my existence vibrated through every cell in my body. The perfect life existed on a narrow ledge with a sea of tragedy awaiting ten stories down on the other side. It was surprising how much strength the human body possessed, yet a single misstep left you free falling to unforgiving waves of despair ready to crush your existence.
A few too many cancer cells.
The slip off the edge of a mountain.
A tiny finger reaching for an exposed wire.
“That says so much, doesn’t it? I guess we can only hope our lives mean enough to leave an un-fillable void, proof that we’re part of something greater than a singular entity. Did you know that your love was my happiness, your strength was my success, but your willingness to let go … well, it’s become my greatest hope. Hope that this isn’t everything.”
Leaning my head back against the headrest, I closed my eyes where Mom resided in my memory. The smile she gave me when my dad rolled his eyes at my decision to open a bath shop.
Evelyn, I’m proud of you … always.
I knew I would always love Franz and Anya that way. Everyone needed someone in their life who was just so damn happy to be part of their existence that absolutely nothing else mattered. A mother’s love should be everything—always. A love that transcends time. Still, I felt her love. Always, I would feel her love.
“Uncle Josh moved grandma to Florida last week. She’s been quiet and a little confused since you died. I’m glad she’ll be closer to family since I don’t get to Denver that much, especially come winter.”
I missed her so much. The pain felt like a new organ in my body with its own pulse. Or maybe that part of my heart broke free and would forever throb, reminding me of what I lost. Disconnecting the call, I dialed the number again, just to hear her voice. Before it went to voicemail, I pressed End and called her another time.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
You’ve reached Corey and Madeline. We’re too lazy to answer your call. Please leave a message.
“I miss you, Mom.”
“Hey, Sue.” I toed off my shoes as Anya ran toward me. “I’m sorry. I made a quick stop, but I assumed Ronin would have been here.” Anya stretched her arms up to me and I picked her up. “Hey, sweetie.” She smelled like lavender, just like Sue.
“Ronin called and said he was meeting some friends for dinner. He said he messaged you.”
I frowned, releasing squirmy Anya to her feet again while fishing my phone from my pocket. Sure enough, Ronin left a message. I must have missed it while repeatedly calling my mom’s phone.
Ronin: Having dinner with Noah.
“Huh. I missed his message. Again, I’m sorry. I should have come straight home.”
“Don’t apologize.” Sue waved me off as she tiptoed down the hallway. “Boo!” Peeking her head around the corner to Franz’s room, she grinned. “Your mom is home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye,” he said.
Anya rolled around on the floor, wrapping herself up in a small blanket like a burrito. Toys littered the floor, books covered the sofa, and dishes awaited washing. Just how I liked it. That meant Sue spent the day playing with the kids. Usually, Ronin and I would work together to make dinner and piece back together the house.
Not that night.
“You’ve been crying.” She tilted her head to the side, eyes squinted as she threaded her arms through her cardigan. Sue always wore a cardigan, even in the summer.
On a shrug, I returned a half smile.
Sue reached for my hand, giving it a squeeze. “It’s a lot—raising a family, working full-time, nourishing a marriage, and trying to deal with grief when it feels eternal.”
Trapping my lower lip between my teeth, I nodded. Her words could have been my words. More than that, they could have been my mom’s words. We guard ourselves from negativity and hate, yet kindness and empathy pack the biggest punch because they expose our vulnerability.
“Is there anything I can do?”
“No—” I cleared the frog from my throat. “No. Thank you, though. Your words helped.”
Sue released my hand and chuckled. “I’m not sure about that. But if you say so.” She slipped on her shoes.
“They reminded me that it’s okay to feel. Since feelings get in the way sometimes, it’s easy to suppress them as a means to get through the day. Go to work. Be a mom. I was late getting home because I pulled off along the side of the road and let myself feel for a few minutes.”
Another sad expression stole Sue’s face. How could it not? I had to pull off the road to cry and miss my mom without wearing that stupid I’m-okay mask. Even if I didn’t degrade myself and call it pathetic, it was, at the very least, really sad.
“I’m good now.” I smiled at Franz waltzing toward me, holding a new Lego creation, a shark of some sort.
“Okay. Goodnight, then.”
Sue left me in the middle of a mess with my two favorite people on Earth. “That’s an amazing shark.” I squatted next to him.
“It’s a swordfish, Mommy. Not a shark.” He handed it to me, wearing a contagious grin.
“Silly me.” After inspecting it, I handed it back to him.
He ran back to his room, and I crawled toward Anya. She giggled as I nuzzled my face into the top of the blanket to find her, kissing her cheeks and neck.
“What do you say…” I eased onto my side and hugged her to me “…we go get pizza since Daddy is having dinner with Noah.”
“Yes!” Franz yelled from his room as Anya gave me her own version of excitement with a “Yes!” She mastered mimicking her big brother.
Turning a blind eye to the messy house, we piled into the Jeep and drove to
our favorite pizza joint. The waitress ushered us to a booth toward the back corner of the restaurant.
“Daddy!” Franz made a beeline to the opposite side of the restaurant to a booth by a window next to the outdoor patio.
My heart stopped. As sure as Lila’s heart stopped that day on the mountain and Ronin’s did too, my heart stopped when I watched Franz crawl into the booth next to Ronin because Noah was not the person on the opposite side. Noah didn’t have chin-length black hair, and he didn’t wear red lipstick. He didn’t have a petite body with ample cleavage.
“I’ll set your menus at the far booth,” the waitress said. “I’ll get your drink orders when you’re ready.”
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t respond. My body remained still, like my heart and my lungs, in the middle of the restaurant. As Anya tried to wriggle out of my arms, I blinked and my heart restarted with a faint beat. Ronin kissed Franz’s head, wearing a pensive expression—a guilty expression.
No one ever imagines their life ending on a Monday night in the middle of a pizza joint, yet there I was, watching my life fall apart with my kids oblivious to the destruction. To keep from dropping Anya in her attempt to follow her brother, I tightened my grip and forced my numb body to cross the restaurant.
Did he see it?
The betrayal.
The anger.
The complete destruction.
I never … ever imagined Ronin having an affair. And I certainly never imagined finding out in a restaurant with our two kids.
“You should have told me you were thinking pizza tonight,” Ronin said, eyeing me like a cop eyed a criminal holding a gun.
“I made a swordfish, Daddy!” Franz had no clue.
I couldn’t look at Ronin, not for one more second. My gaze shifted to the woman in the seat across from him.
“Adrianne, this is my wife, Evelyn.” His voice shook.
It. Fucking. Shook.
“Evelyn, this is Adrianne. She’s a friend from, um …”
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