by Vivien Brown
He didn’t speak either. Just picked up the two cans of Guinness and handed one of them to me. ‘I think I need this,’ he said, laying his arms along the back of the bench and tipping his head back, gazing at the sky.
I took a swig. It was thick, strong, nasty, and I pulled a face, but I drank it anyway.
‘It’ll be better next time,’ he said, talking about the sex, I assumed, and not the drink. It was good to know that there would be a next time, that this wasn’t just one of those spur-of-the-moment drunken lunges that happen at parties. Somehow that made it all right. It was all about learning, wasn’t it? Trying out new things. And at least we had tried it, done it, together.
‘Yes, I expect it will.’
We sat there a bit longer, thighs touching, until the cold started to seep into our bones, and the liquid he had squirted inside me started to trickle out down my legs.
And then, I don’t know why, but I started to laugh and, a few seconds later, so did he. A release of tension, I suppose. And knowing that, despite the uncomfortable let-down it had all turned out to be, neither of us was a virgin anymore. Another tick on the way to adulthood. And freedom.
I wished I could tell Eve about it, the way I had always told her everything, but I also knew that this time I couldn’t, and that I probably never would.
Chapter 7
EVE
I had successfully avoided Josh for almost two weeks, taking care not to walk anywhere near his block, staying away from the bar, keeping one eye open for him whenever I was in any of the places he might suddenly appear. But I couldn’t hide forever. Fate finally caught up with me in the library. Josh was standing right in front of me as I looked up, a pile of books tucked under his arm and a stupid smile on his face.
‘Eve.’ He didn’t say any more than that. Didn’t move away either.
‘Oh. Hello.’ At least in the library there would be no shouting, no arguing. I kept my voice low. And my eyes.
‘I haven’t seen you around for a while. Not since …’
‘No. Sorry,’ I interrupted. ‘I’ve been busy.’
‘Too busy for a coffee? Could we, do you think? Only, I’d like to try to …’
‘Umm …’ I hesitated. I knew only too well what he wanted to try to do. Interrogate me. Push me for answers. What had he done wrong? Why had I run off like that? Was I okay? I just wished I could give him some sort of answers that made sense, but I didn’t know where to start.
‘Come on, Eve. Just for half an hour. A coffee. A bun. My treat.’
I looked up at him, felt my insides lurch. The attraction was still there. But so was the fear.
‘Please.’
‘Okay then.’ I took a deep breath. Time to get it over with, then I could stop hiding. ‘Just for half an hour, then I really do have some work to do. An assignment due in.’
‘I won’t get in the way of your assignment, I promise. I can see your course is important to you. Poetry before people, right?’
‘I wouldn’t say that exactly.’ I gathered my papers into my bag, watched him check out his books, and followed him out through the big glass doors. The weather was improving, clumps of bright-yellow daffodils dancing about in the borders and a few leaves starting to reappear on the trees. I saw his hand reach out for mine but chose to ignore it, switching my bag from hand to hand instead, making sure it hung there between us, like a barrier.
The coffee shop was busy but we found a table in a corner and Josh went up to the counter, returning a few minutes later with two coffees and three cakes on a tray.
‘Three?’ I said, nodding towards the cakes. ‘Are we expecting someone else, or do you just have a big appetite?’
‘Wasn’t sure what you’d like. Best to offer a girl a choice,’ he said, picking up his cardboard cup of coffee and blowing across the surface.
A choice? Like whether or not to be kissed, to be touched, to have sex? Was that what he was hinting at, or was it just my imagination stuck on a topic I really didn’t want to explore?
‘I’ll have the doughnut then, if that’s okay?’
‘Of course it’s okay.’ He was studying my face, his own unusually serious. ‘Eve …’
‘Yes, I know, all right? I ran away that night, I left you standing there, I overreacted. I know it must have seemed odd, a bit mad … and I’m sorry.’
‘I’m not looking for an apology. Just trying to understand, that’s all.’
‘If I understood it myself I might be able to explain, but I don’t. Not really. It was just … I felt a bit rushed, pressured, no way out, you know. Like I had no …’
‘Choice?’ Josh smiled and lifted his hand, making a big show of hovering over the two remaining cakes.
‘Sorry.’
‘Stop saying you’re sorry. It sounds like it’s me who should be apologising, if I made you feel that way. It was just … well, I thought we both wanted the same thing. And it was a kiss, Eve. Only a kiss.’
‘With your hand shoving its way into my clothes?’
‘Was it? It was bloody cold that night, Eve. Surely a hand … well, it was only inside your coat, wasn’t it? Not on bare flesh or anything.’
‘I suppose.’
‘Look, could we start again, do you think? I like you, and I thought you liked me. Okay, so we have absolutely nothing in common.’ His eyes twinkled in amusement. ‘Beauty and the Beast. With me as the beast, obviously! Maths and English. Numbers and words. Yin and yang. But opposites attract, right? How about we go for a drink later? Hands in my pockets at all times, I promise. Except to get my wallet out, or to go for a pee …’
I couldn’t help but laugh. And I did like him. I really did.
‘Okay, yes.’ I took a bite of the doughnut and licked the sugar from my fingers.
‘You’ll come?’
‘Yes, if I can get this assignment finished first. How about nine o’clock? Is that too late?’
‘Course not. But, just one thing …’
‘What?’
He leant forwards and lifted his hand closer to my face as if he was going to touch me, then stopped himself and pulled away. ‘Sorry. Promised to keep my hands to myself, but you might want to know you’ve got sugar on the end of your nose.’
I wiped blindly at my face, hoping the sugar was all gone, suddenly realising how much the way I looked – to Josh anyway – mattered to me.
‘I’ve missed you, Kid,’ he said, his head turned very slightly at the sort of angle that reminded me of a puppy, gazing upwards and appealing for a tickle.
‘Not so much of the kid. I’m only … what? Two years younger than you?’
‘Term of endearment, I can assure you. No offence intended. Now, or the other night.’
‘I know. And I’m—’
‘Don’t you dare say you’re sorry again. No more, okay? I’m imposing a fifty-pence fine for every time you do. Deal?’
‘Deal.’
‘Carry on like today and I’ll be rich within a week,’ he muttered, laughing and almost choking on the huge chunk of iced bun he had just crammed into his mouth.
‘D’you know, I think maybe I was wrong about you.’
‘Really? About what in particular? Because if you had me down as some kind of sex-mad Casanova, I’m really not. I’m more of your James Bond type actually. Smart, sexy, incredibly charismatic …’
‘Modest?’
‘Yeah, that too! And I always know how to treat a lady.’
‘By buying her a doughnut, you mean?’
‘And why not? What the lady wants, the lady shall have.’
‘Prat!’ I giggled and flicked at his arm. ‘No, I meant I was wrong about my first impressions of you, at that party. What I said about you not caring about anything much. I was a bit harsh. Because I think you do, don’t you? Care?’
‘About some things, yeah. If it’s people, then yes, I care. Definitely. I was raised a Catholic, had it drummed into me how important family is, and looking after others. There’s a lot of pa
in, sadness, hopelessness in the world, you know. My mum does a lot for a baby charity because she couldn’t have any more of her own, and the thing about never having any brothers or sisters is that friends come to mean a lot. I don’t go out of my way to hurt people on purpose. About my course, my boring financial future, maybe I don’t care so much. But, to be fair, you didn’t know me at all then, did you? Eyes across a crowded room and all that. Easy to make snap judgements. I probably came across as utterly shallow, and still do a lot of the time, but I’m hoping we can change that. Get to know each other better, I mean. Starting from tonight. How does that sound?’
‘Good.’ I smiled up at him, felt that warm glow creeping back over me. God, I hoped he wasn’t just spinning me a line. I so wanted him to be genuine, a nice guy, maybe my nice guy …
‘Right. Half hour’s up, and you did say you had things to do, places to be …’ He pushed his chair back, making an awful scraping sound on the tiled floor.
‘Yeah, I do. Sorry.’
‘Aha! That’s fifty pence you owe me.’
‘That’s not fair!’
‘Oh, yes. A bet’s a bet. All’s fair in love and war.’ He picked up the plate with the third cake on it and held it out to me. ‘Want this?’
‘No. You take it.’ I gathered up my coat and bag and walked towards the door, Josh a pace or two behind me. Knowing he could not see my face, I didn’t have to try to hide the smile that just seemed to creep up on me. And in that moment I felt special, as if someone had just offered me their very last Rolo.
***
We took our time getting to know each other. Drinks in the bar, sitting together in the library, a coffee between tutorials. I didn’t tell him about Arnie. I didn’t want to, and I didn’t know how. But with the air cleared and the past shoved away behind us, we resolved to start again, to take things slowly this time. To try being boyfriend and girlfriend, but not lovers, not yet, and to see what happened.
‘About time you two got together,’ Beth said, when I told her. We were sitting on a wall in the sunshine, outside the shop, sharing a packet of chocolate buttons. ‘It’s been pretty obvious he fancies the pants off you for weeks.’
‘My pants are still very firmly in place, thank you very much.’
‘Oh, you know what I mean. And who’d judge you if they weren’t? Certainly not me. It’s not as if Lenny and me have kept ours on!’ She laughed, giving me a nudge in the ribs. ‘So, if you need any advice about … well, the pill or anything, then just ask. It’s easy enough to get from the campus doc. No questions asked.’
‘Thanks, Beth, but I’m all right.’
‘Already taken care of, eh?’ She picked out the last two buttons from the bottom of the bag, held one out to me and swallowed the other. ‘Good girl. Best to be sensible.’
I felt myself blush. Sex wasn’t something I was used to talking about, not to friends, and especially not to some strange doctor, and as far as I was concerned being sensible still meant not doing it in the first place, not taking the risk. Josh understood that. Or at least, I hoped he did. And, for the time being, just learning about each other, slowly discovering the joys of kissing, proper kissing with the feel of lips and placement of tongues, the warmth of our faces pressed closely together, was enough. For me, anyway.
Oh, I knew Josh was no virgin. He’d confessed to brief flings with at least two girls back home while he was still at school, and one or two one-night stands at uni, but nothing that had lasted, nothing that really meant anything. I suppose, deep down, I had hopes that I might be the one to change that, the one worth waiting for.
‘So, when’s the next date then? Only, Lenny’s mate Steve is having a party on Saturday. Off campus, but easy enough to find. We could share a taxi maybe? Save hanging about for buses. I know he wouldn’t mind the two of you tagging along. As long as you bring beer, obviously.’
‘I’ll ask.’
‘Eve, you really haven’t got the hang of this dating lark yet, have you? Time you got him trained. For starters, you don’t ask, you tell! Seven thirty, okay? We’ll call and collect you. No need to dress up. It’ll be pretty casual. And if it goes on late, Steve won’t mind us crashing out on the floor.’
Spending the night on someone’s mucky carpet, surrounded by people I didn’t know who would more than likely be drunk, didn’t appeal to me at all, but I nodded anyway. ‘Yeah, maybe, but we’ll probably get a taxi back. I think I’d rather sleep in my own bed.’
‘Up to you, and certainly more private, if you’re planning on …’
‘I’m not. We’re not.’
‘So you say. Right, I’ll see you Saturday then? Time I got to interrogate this man of yours about his intentions, I think.’
‘Don’t you dare! You sound like my dad.’
‘Only joking. And don’t forget the booze. I bet that’s something you wouldn’t hear your dad say.’
I watched her go, hips swinging with a confidence in her own sexuality I didn’t think I would ever have. But then, we were different. Very different. Her approach to life, to men, was nothing like mine. She and Lenny seemed happy enough, but I never saw them gaze into each other’s eyes, link fingers, nuzzle each other’s necks. It was more of a bum slap and a snog and sharing a bottle of lager whenever I saw them together. Sex just seemed to be a natural part of life to Beth, like brushing her teeth. It was something she had done before and would do again, without worrying about it, being frightened of it, analysing it. With Lenny, or whoever came along next. All part of the process.
I wanted more than that. I wanted the real thing. Before I gave myself to anyone. I didn’t want to just do it anyway, in the vain hope that the feelings might follow later. I wanted the feelings first. The feelings in my head and heart, not the ones that fizzed away between my legs. I didn’t want to be pushed or persuaded. It had to be my choice. I wanted love.
***
We didn’t stay long at the party, in the end. The host, Steve, was nice enough but a few years older than us and, according to Lenny, he worked as an auditor at the Town Hall. Somehow that didn’t surprise me, as the rather dull décor and choice of music were so clearly suited to the shirt-and-tie thirty-plus group to which the majority of the guests belonged.
It didn’t bother Beth and Lenny though. Wedged together in a corner of the sofa, with a bottle of wine stuffed behind the cushions and Lenny’s hand stuffed inside Beth’s shirt, they looked very much as if they were settled for the long haul and, apart from a vague nod as we grabbed our coats and headed for the door, I’m not sure they even registered that we had gone.
It had started to rain by the time we got outside, headlights shining on the puddles as the cars swooshed past, a bus pulling up at the kerb and sending up a spray of mucky water that just missed hitting our legs. Unfortunately the bus was going in the wrong direction or we probably would have jumped on and headed straight back to uni.
‘What do you want to do now?’ Josh said, putting a hand on my back and guiding me safely across the road. ‘Wait for one heading the other way? Grab a taxi? Or we could walk into town. We’re not that far away. Find a pub or a pizza or something? Those nibbles barely touched the sides and I’m bloody starving.’
‘Yeah, let’s do that. I don’t know about you but I get a bit sick of the sight of the campus day in and day out. Last time I went out anywhere was to Tesco’s!’
‘Wow, you really know how to live, don’t you?’ Josh teased.
‘I quite enjoyed it actually. Except for lugging all the stuff back. I bought more than I’d intended and I hadn’t really thought about how heavy it was all going to be while it was piling up in the trolley.’
‘You mean you didn’t stick to your list?’
‘List? Where’s the fun in that? Shopping needs to be a spontaneous thing. From the heart. Like going out for bread and coming back with shoes.’
‘Now, that’s your poet’s brain, you see. Head in the clouds. Ask a mathematician to go shopping and he’ll have it
all worked out before he starts. He’ll have a proper list of what he’s shopping for and he’ll stick to it, so he knows how much he’s likely to spend, how many bags he’ll need and what to put in each for even weight distribution. No deviating from the task in hand. Like an equation. A science.’
‘Oh, stop being so smug. And so boring! Let’s just walk and see where we end up, shall we? A magical mystery tour. No plan, no pre-arranged list. Let’s just see where life takes us for a change. Or where this road takes us, anyway.’
‘Oh, there is a rebel in there somewhere! Suits me though.’ He took hold of my hand and I felt his fingers close tightly around mine. ‘Although I must point out I’ve only got about twenty pounds in my wallet, so it’ll have to be a mystery tour with budgetary limitations.’
‘Fine. I’ve got a tenner, so we should be all right. Chinese, Indian, fish and chips … whatever we come to first we’ll eat. It’ll be an adventure, a surprise. Doesn’t matter what the place looks like, or whether it’s take-away or sit-down. Deal?’
‘Deal.’
It was a burger bar, as it turned out. One with misted-up windows and slightly greasy tables, and a menu where fruit and vegetables, unless you counted a few limp-looking lettuce leaves and a pile of tomato-ketchup sachets, were non-existent and everything came with chips.
‘You sure you want to eat here? It’s a bit … basic,’ Josh whispered as we waited in the queue to place our order.
‘Not romantic enough for you? And you say I’m the one with my head in the clouds!’
‘I just feel a bit mean, bringing you somewhere like this, when we’re supposed to be on a date. Like we should be somewhere a bit more …’
‘Clean?’
‘I was going to say special, but now you come to mention it …’
‘It is a bit dodgy, isn’t it?’ I eyed the man behind the counter, sweat dripping down his face and onto a torn blue-and-white striped apron as he shovelled sliced gherkins from a jar onto a burnt bun. A hunched little man in a dirty mac stood in front of us, watching the construction of his burger and rummaging through a handful of loose change, while sniffing loudly without the benefit of a hankie. ‘Shall we leave while we still can?’ I whispered, tugging at Josh’s sleeve.