by Vivien Brown
He laughed. ‘Changed your mind then? How about our deal?’
‘Deal’s off.’ I pulled him out into the street and the door slammed shut behind us. A trickle of rainwater poured from a broken gutter up above and bounced onto the shoulder of Josh’s coat. ‘I just wanted to test you out, to see if you’d go along with it, but I really don’t think I can eat that stuff in there. Sorry!’
‘Aha. That’ll be fifty pence please,’ he announced, grinning. ‘No sorrys allowed, remember? Now, come on, let’s find somewhere decent and get ourselves some dinner. I’ve actually got twenty pounds fifty to spend now, so we can really push the boat out.’
‘I think we might need an actual boat if this rain gets any heavier!’
I dug in my purse and found a fifty-pence piece and pushed it into Josh’s cold hand. ‘Don’t say I never pay my debts,’ I said. ‘But believe me, I will get it back, if only by ordering extra mushrooms!’ And then we hurried away, arm in arm, laughing and dripping wet, in search of the pizza Josh had suggested in the first place.
Chapter 8
SARAH
It was one of those days when the weather can’t quite make up its mind. It had been warm when I’d taken Buster for his morning walk, the sky more or less cloudless, so I’d headed off to school in just a T-shirt, a pair of jeans and sandals, making the most of the no-uniform policy that applied now that lessons for year elevens were over for the summer and we were turning up only when we had an exam to sit or needed to use the library to revise.
By the time I came out of the stuffy, silent hall at lunchtime, the History paper behind me and a monumental fail almost inevitable, it was raining. Still, at least I’d never have to think about the Industrial Revolution ever again, so there was certainly a bright side.
‘You going straight home?’ Tilly said, running to catch up with me as I crossed the playground, only just dodging a ball that came flying straight at us, closely followed by a couple of year-seven boys who just laughed as they retrieved it and ran off. Neither of us mentioned the exam we’d just sat through.
‘I suppose. Why? You got something else in mind?’
‘Shops maybe?’
‘I don’t have any money. Well, only what Mum gave me for some lunch. You?’
‘Not a lot. We could just go and look in the windows though, couldn’t we? Dream a bit! It’s not long until the end-of-year disco, and we’re going to need ideas, if nothing else. Has your mum said anything about buying you something new to wear? Or how much you can spend?’
‘Not really. I think she still has some mad idea about making me what she calls a posh dress, but I’m hoping if I say nothing she’ll forget and by the time I remind her it’ll be too late. I’d be much happier just getting a shiny top or something from Dorothy Perkins.’
‘God. They have no idea, do they? Parents?’
‘None at all!’
‘I wish we had proms like they do in America. Then we could turn up in one of those long white limousines.’
‘Can’t see this school ever doing anything like that.’
‘And I think you’re meant to have a date when you go to a prom. You know, a boy to turn up with, or else you just look like some sad no-mates kind of a person. What a load of rubbish.’
‘Well, I’d be all right though, wouldn’t I? I’ve got Paul.’
‘Have you? Really? I mean, is he actually your boyfriend or what?’
‘Course he is.’ The rain was getting heavier and we’d only made it as far as the school gate. A bus was coming towards us and suddenly jumping on it seemed like a very good idea. ‘Look, I am going home after all. I don’t fancy getting soaked. You go to the shops if you like, and once I’ve grabbed a coat and seen if I can squeeze some money out of my dad if he’s home then I’ll come and find you. Meet you outside Debenhams, okay? One o’clock.’
I flashed my pass at the driver, walked along the aisle of the almost empty bus and sat right at the back. Why did Tilly always have to ask such awkward questions? Probably because she didn’t have a boyfriend of her own. Of course Paul was my boyfriend. Well, it wasn’t as if we’d been out to the pictures or anything like that, and we certainly hadn’t made any earth-shattering announcement about us being together, but we’d … Well, he’d said that he liked me, and we’d done the deed, hadn’t we? Three times now, and that had to mean something.
‘How did you get on?’ Dad said, coming into the hallway as I dashed into the house, slamming the door behind me and dripping raindrops all over the carpet. ‘Oh, I see you forgot your coat.’ He stepped forward and gave me a hug anyway, laughing as my wet hair made a soggy mark on the front of his shirt.
‘Don’t ask.’
‘Ah, but I just did! That bad, eh? Never mind, Love, we can’t all be brilliant at everything, and History’s not as important as some of the others. Learning all those dates … Unless you want to teach it, I’ve never really seen that it’s a lot of use in life. And you’ve got Maths next, right? You like Maths.’
‘Do I?’
‘Oh, Sarah, Love, don’t look so downhearted. It’ll be fine. And once these exams are over, you can start looking around for a job. There must be loads of places that would jump at the chance of employing a clever girl like you. Local offices, shops, maybe even something at the Council.’
I knew he meant well, but if he really thought I was as clever as all that he would be talking about me going on to A levels and researching university places, not looking for jobs.
‘Yeah, maybe. But Dad?’
‘Yes, Love?’
‘Do you think that, as I’ve been revising so hard, you might give me … well, a reward of some kind? Some of the other girls’ parents are taking them on holidays or giving them some money for, you know, doing well in their exams.’
‘Shouldn’t we wait until we see the results before we think about rewards, Sarah? I mean, revising is one thing but actually passing is something else entirely. When your sister did so well …’
‘Yes, I know. You bought her a watch, and lovely it was too, but Eve’s a brainbox, isn’t she? There was never any doubt she’d pass the lot. I’m not in her league.’
‘You’ll do the best you can, I’m sure. And your mother and I have already got our eyes on a very nice watch for you, every bit as pretty as your sister’s.’
‘And what if I don’t want a watch? Or a job in an office?’
He looked puzzled for a moment. ‘What do you want then?’
‘I don’t know, Dad. I wish I did, but I’m not Eve. We’re not the same. We never have been.’
‘Of course not. I know that. Each beautiful in your own way. And we’re equally proud of both of you. I hope you know that. Now, I only popped home for a quick lunch and to see how you got on, but I really have to get back to the office now. Will you be okay? Your mum will be home soon if you’re staying in. Or I can give you a few pounds to treat yourself to some lunch out if you like. Might help cheer you up. Exam time can feel pretty rotten, I remember.’
‘Lunch on my own?’
‘Oh, no. That would never do! Why not ask little Tilly if she’d like to join you?’ He took his wallet from his trouser pocket and opened it, checking the contents carefully. ‘Will five pounds be enough?’
I gave him one of those not-quite-sure looks which seemed to entice another fiver out into his hand.
‘Chin up, Sarah,’ he said, putting two fingers under my chin and tilting my face up towards him. ‘It’ll all look a lot better when the exams are over, and we can give some serious thought to your future.’
I thanked him for the cash and waved him off at the door. Buster had wandered out from his basket in the kitchen and stood beside me, sniffing at the rain, and I bent down to pat his wiry head. Once Dad had driven away, I followed the old dog as he plodded back towards the kitchen. Think about my future? Right then it stretched only as far as the school disco, and making sure Paul Jacobs would only have eyes for me. And hands. Because I couldn’t lose him
now. Couldn’t let him drift away into some other girl’s arms, some other girl’s body. I had let him have sex with me, and that had to count for something. It had to count for a lot. Otherwise, what was the point? In any of it.
I made a quick sandwich and opened a bag of crisps. At least then I could spend the whole ten pounds Dad had given me, and the fiver I’d got from Mum earlier, on clothes. Tilly would have to take care of her own lunch.
***
Paul’s breath smelt of chewing gum. As we left the exam hall side by side, he spat the shapeless plug of white goo out into his hand and slipped it down the back of the nearest radiator. ‘All right?’ he said, nodding back towards the hall. ‘That wasn’t too bad, was it? Question three was a bit tricky, but the rest of it was easy enough, all stuff we covered in the mocks.’
I nodded, not entirely sure I agreed with him about any of it being easy. It was Maths, after all.
‘Paul. Can we …?’
He sidestepped the main throng of people streaming out into the corridor and pulled me with him against the wall. ‘Can we what? You’re looking very serious all of a sudden. What is it, Sarah? Only, I haven’t got long. I have to get some lunch and then I’m meeting someone at three.’
‘A girl?’
‘Now, where did that come from? Of course it’s not a girl.’ He raised his eyebrows and laughed. ‘You’re my girl, aren’t you?’
‘I don’t know. I hope so. Am I?’ I could feel my face go red. This wasn’t the kind of conversation I was used to having, and I didn’t want to sound too clingy, or get the whole thing wrong.
‘Sarah, I don’t know what this is about, but chill out a bit, okay? So, we’ve had a bit of fun a couple of times, but we’re not exactly joined at the hip. It’s not as if we’re engaged or something. I can meet whoever I like without having to tell you about it.’
‘Yeah, I know. Of course. I just thought it might be nice to spend some time together. And it’s ages until three.’
He looked at his watch and nodded. ‘Smart, isn’t it?’ he said, seeing where my gaze had fallen. ‘A present from my mum and dad.’
‘For doing the exams?’ What was it with parents and watches? Were there no other gifts available?
‘Birthday, but first time I’ve worn it to school. Thought it might bring me luck. No, I’m getting a car when the exams are over. Well, if I pass with decent grades anyway. Which I will.’
‘A car? But you’re not even old enough to drive.’
‘Almost. And there’s nothing to stop me learning, as long as I stay off the roads. My granddad’s got a farm, plenty of fields to practise in. It won’t be a new car. Just a second-hand Mini probably. And my dad’s going to show me some stuff about engines, help me do it up a bit before I take my test. That’s where I’m off to at three, meeting my dad outside where he works and we’re going to look at some cars. So, I’ve got a couple of hours, I suppose. What did you fancy doing? Getting something to eat?’
‘How about your mum? Is she at home?’
‘Nope. She’s gone to see her sister, my aunt Denise. She’s just had a baby. Mum’s been knitting like crazy, so it’ll be all bootees and shawls and stuff all afternoon. Almost makes me glad I had an exam so I didn’t have to go with her.’
‘So there’s nobody at home then? At your house?’
‘Sarah Peters! Are you suggesting what I think you are?’
‘Not if you don’t want to.’ I turned away, my embarrassment obvious in my face. ‘I’ll just go home, shall I? And be boring. Maybe get my knitting needles out?’
‘Don’t you dare!’ I felt him come up close behind me, one hand sliding sneakily down over my bottom behind the cover of the jacket he was holding over his arm, and the other pushing me gently forward. ‘Go on, grab your bags and stuff and I’ll see you outside,’ he said, hardly louder than a whisper. ‘Wait round the corner by the post box. I’ll be five minutes, okay?’
I had never been to Paul’s house before. It was only a ten-minute walk away, which probably explained why I so rarely saw him on the bus. But it was a walk we took quickly, staying a foot or two apart all the while, with neither of us saying very much. The house, when we got to it, was a fairly standard-looking semi, similar in size to ours, with a blue front door and bright geraniums in pots to either side. Paul found his key and hurried me in, looking up and down the road as if we were about to be caught and exposed as some kind of intruders.
‘Phew!’ he said, leaning against the inside of the front door and smiling. ‘We made it in without Mrs Burton from two doors down seeing us. Or I hope we did, anyway. I swear that woman is a witch. Eyes in the back of her head, that one. There’ll be a full written report handed in to my mum before we’ve even made it upstairs if that one catches us.’
‘And who says we’re going upstairs?’ I said, smiling back at him. ‘I thought we might watch telly and have a glass of squash and a biscuit. That’s what I usually do when friends come round to our house.’
‘And is that what you want to do now, Sarah?’ He dropped his bag and jacket on the floor and put his hands on my shoulders. The chewing-gum smell had worn off and in its place there was just the warm sweet taste of his mouth as he leaned forward and placed his lips on mine. ‘Because I’m sure I can find you some lemon barley and a bourbon, if that’s what you really fancy.’
‘No, I’m not hungry.’ I shivered, despite it being June and the sun shining in through the patterned glass in the front door, throwing rose pictures onto the carpet at our feet.
‘Then what do you fancy? Or who?’ His voice had gone all husky and sexy and I could feel myself melt inside.
‘You know the answer to that.’
‘Hello,’ he shouted, stopping totally still at the foot of the stairs and listening for any sound of a reply. ‘Just checking,’ he said after a moment’s silence, when all I could hear was my own heart pounding away in my chest. ‘And it looks like no one’s at home, except us. Come on.’ He grabbed my hand, led me up the narrow staircase and opened a door on the landing that led into what was obviously his bedroom. Football posters on the wall, revision books scattered all over a small desk, an unmade bed piled with rumpled pillows and discarded clothes and what just might have been a cuddly toy. One swipe of his arm landed most of that on the floor and he pulled me down, roughly, on top of him, his hand already up inside my top and feeling for the fastenings at the back of my bra.
‘First time in a bed,’ he said, nuzzling into my neck. ‘Makes a change from doing it outside. Those park benches are way too uncomfortable. And it’s not dark this time, which means I can look at you properly.’ He was pulling my arms up, easing my top over my head, scooping at my bra as its straps fell down over my bare shoulders, somehow managing to kick off his shoes and wriggle his way out of his trousers at the same time.
It only took a few moments until we were both completely naked and I saw everything clearly for the first time, in daylight. His penis, long and stiff, the curls of dark hair around it, his chest flat and pale, the determined look on his face as he sat up and rummaged about at the back of his bedside drawer, throwing out various boxes and bits of paper until he came to the hidden stash of condoms disguised in an old toothpaste packet at the back.
‘You put it on for me this time,’ he instructed, ripping the packet open with his teeth and passing me a small, rolled-up pink thing that felt slimy in my hand. ‘But hurry up …’
I wasn’t at all sure what I was doing, but it was fun finding out, gliding the condom back over his skin, seeing it expand to fit him, leaving just a little floppy empty bit dangling at the end. ‘What’s that for?’ I asked, my curiosity way ahead of any feelings of lust.
‘To catch the sperm,’ he said. ‘Stop it from going where it shouldn’t. We don’t want you getting pregnant, do we?’
‘No.’
And then we were rolling together, his body coming down on top of me, flattening me and pinning me to the bed.
‘Do you think w
e could slow down a bit this time? Do it like they do in films? You know, more kissing, less pushing?’
‘For God’s sake, Sarah. Can’t you see I’m nearly there already? Wait much longer and it’ll be squirting out before I even get inside you.’
‘But I’d like to see what it feels like …’
‘Just lie back and let me get on with it. It’ll feel good, I promise you.’
But it didn’t. It was over in seconds, just like before, and I lay there with his head between my breasts, his hot breath slowing against my skin. I felt his penis flop out of me and onto the bed beside me, its rubber casing already slipping off where I obviously hadn’t quite put it on properly, leaving a puddle on the sheet.
I reached for his hand and put it between my legs. I was supposed to feel something, wasn’t I? I’d read about orgasms in magazines, read that most women didn’t get them from being entered, that a man could do amazing things just with the carefully placed rhythm of his fingers. But Paul wasn’t a man. He was a kid, just like I was. His hand didn’t move in mysterious ways. He just shoved a finger straight up inside me and prodded me, jabbing like someone digging wax out of their ears. And then he went to sleep.
And as I lay there feeling disappointed, it was pretty obvious he was just a Car Mechanics and Football Monthly kind of person. Like it probably was for most boys of his age, sex was a selfish thing. Intense, frantic, quick. He’d had what he wanted, and given me what he thought I wanted too. One thing was for sure: he certainly hadn’t read any of the same magazines I had.
***
‘Where’s Paul then?’ Tilly nudged me and looked quizzically around the school hall as we stood together in the doorway. The big heavy curtains were closed, so the room was already quite dark, with just some brightly coloured disco lights flashing randomly overhead, and the thump of the music making the floor throb. ‘Only, if you’re intending on running straight over to him and staying glued to his side all evening, I’d rather know now.’