No Sister of Mine

by Vivien Brown

  And then I knew. Of course I did. It was written all over her tear-stained face. Sarah had found us out. After we had kept our secret for so long, she had found out now, when it was over, when I had thought we were safe, that she was safe, from ever having to know. Oh, God!

  ‘Sit down, Sarah.’ Dad had found his voice. ‘I’m sure whatever this is we can resolve it amicably. I don’t want any unpleasantness. Your mother never—’

  ‘Mum’s not here, Dad. But if she was, I’d want her to hear this too. All the unpleasantness, as you call it. Every sordid little detail. Because your wonderful, caring daughter here –’ She grabbed my wrist and clenched it so hard her fingernails made a mark, and pushed me, roughly, down onto the sofa, ‘– has been sleeping with my husband.’

  I didn’t deny it. I didn’t say anything, just shook her off me and sat biting my lip, trying to breathe as normally as my inner panic allowed.

  ‘Sarah …’

  ‘Oh, don’t you Sarah me. As if butter wouldn’t melt. Good old Eve, giving up her job and her flat and coming home to save the day, to look after Mum, and you too, Dad, and being all responsible and capable, taking care of all the paperwork, nosing around sorting out Mum’s things. Give her a bloody medal! But that’s not really why you came back, is it, Eve? You came back for Josh. My Josh. So you could be near enough to carry on your grubby little affair right under my nose. The same affair that you’ve been having for years. Well, at least six years, to my knowledge, and probably a whole lot longer. Ask her, Dad. Go on, ask her if it’s true.’

  ‘Sarah, I’m sure you’re wrong. There must be some mistake. Eve wouldn’t—’

  ‘Oh really? Wouldn’t she? Ask her then. And while you’re at it, ask her where she was the night Mum died.’

  We all fell silent. The thoughts churned through my mind so rapidly I hardly knew where to begin. Was she guessing? Bluffing? Or had she got proof? And how about Josh? Had she come to me first, desperate to get to the truth, or had she spoken to him already? Shoved him down onto a chair with the scratches from her nails all over him too? Had he denied it all? Confessed? Shouted, consoled, begged for forgiveness? I didn’t know what he had already said, and I didn’t want to be the one to tell her everything, break her heart, bring her marriage to its knees. Not if I didn’t have to, and not in front of Dad.

  ‘Well? What have you got to say for yourself?’ Dad had that voice on now, the one he had used when we were little, when one of us had broken a vase or been cheeky to Mum, or come home with a bad school report. There was no anger in it, just disappointment, which was a whole lot worse. ‘Is there something you want to tell me?’

  ‘You can’t deny it, Eve.’ Sarah was digging away at me again, her face just inches from mine. ‘Josh has told me everything. How you chased after him, got your claws in and wouldn’t let go.’

  I rubbed my wrist, where she had drawn blood. If anyone had claws in this family, it wasn’t me. Chased after him? Would he really have said that? Tried to blame it all on me? Or was that just Sarah’s version, the only version she could allow herself to accept?

  ‘I know all about the hotel room you were shacked up in as Mum lay here dying. I didn’t think you could ever sink so low, but then you always did get what you wanted, didn’t you?’

  ‘Okay, yes.’ I spoke slowly, letting the truth – or a watered-down take on it – drip out of me, word by painful word. ‘Yes, I have seen Josh, from time to time. We’re old friends. We have a history. He came to visit me, in Wales, and I was pleased to see him. Surprised, but pleased. He was at a conference somewhere nearby, or so he said, but I had no idea he was going to turn up like that, on my doorstep. I didn’t invite him.’

  ‘You didn’t turn him away either though, did you? From your flat, or from your bed? How long, Eve? How long has this been going on?’

  ‘It’s not going on. I didn’t see him often. It was never meant to be a … well, whatever it was, it’s over. Finished. I finished it. Not Josh, but me. And I haven’t seen him at all since he was here with you at Christmas.’

  ‘Oh, bully for you. Did the honourable thing, did you? A shame you didn’t think of that, or of me and Janey, a bit sooner, eh? Because you may think you’re calling the shots here, but you’re not. Not anymore. He’s mine, and I am not letting him go, okay? Not to anyone, and certainly not to you.’

  ‘I’m not asking you to.’

  ‘Good. And don’t pretend it was some great love affair. He would have left me long ago if it was. No, it was just sex. Easy, on-a-plate sex. I know why you did it though. Revenge. That’s why. Because of what we did to you, all those years ago. I took him from you and you just couldn’t wait to pay me back, could you? Well, you’ve had your fun, and it’s over. And don’t you even think of contacting him. He doesn’t want to see you, or talk to you. And don’t you for one minute think he loves you, because he doesn’t, okay? We’re going to make a go of our marriage, despite you and your bloody games. So stay away. From Josh, and from me. And from Janey. Because from now on, you have no sister and you definitely have no niece. You may teach at her school, but you make damn sure she’s never in one of your classes. If I hear that she is, or that you’re trying to talk to her about anything not strictly school-related, I will come up to that school and tell the whole damn staffroom exactly what you’ve done. See how that goes down with all your new colleagues. What that does to your precious career, which – let’s be honest – is all you’ve ever cared about anyway.’

  And then she was gone, the front door slamming hard behind her, and Dad and I sat staring at each other, a huge gulf of hurt hanging between us like a cloud just waiting to burst.

  ‘Is it true, Eve?’ The pain in his voice was almost too hard to take.

  ‘I love him, Dad. I’ve always loved him.’

  ‘And that’s a good enough reason is it? Where’s your self-restraint, your pride? She’s your sister. Your own sister.’ He stood up and fetched the whisky bottle, pouring himself a large glass before tilting the bottle in my direction, his hand shaking.

  ‘No, thanks. I’m not going to find answers in booze, am I? Oblivion maybe, which is a pretty attractive option right now, but …’

  ‘But what, Eve? I thought this family had hit rock bottom when we lost your mum, but this is about as low as things can get. I’m just glad she’s not here to hear any of it, and me wishing she wasn’t around is not something I ever thought would happen. Is it over? Between you and him? Really? Or is that just what you told her?’

  ‘It’s been over for weeks, Dad. I had thought – hoped – nobody need ever know. And, no, I’m not proud of myself, you’re right there. While I was so far away, I could tell myself I wasn’t hurting anyone, but coming back here made it feel very real all of a sudden. And sordid. Not what I wanted anymore. Oh God, do you think she really has had it all out with him? Have they really decided to stick together? Or is she just saying that to keep me away?’

  ‘So you’re calling your sister a liar now, are you? That’s a bit rich coming from you. And as for how they decide to go on from here, that’s not your business, is it? Or mine, for that matter. I just hope, for our little Janey’s sake, that they can mend this, one way or another. But I’m not going to find it easy to forgive the damage you’ve done, Eve. And I’m damn sure Sarah isn’t either. I think perhaps the sooner you find yourself a place to live the better. The last thing I want is for Sarah to stay away from this house because you’re here. Or to keep Janey away. I love that little girl, and right now I want to see her a damn sight more than I want to see you.’

  Chapter 24

  SARAH

  Josh and I moved through our lives like fish swimming side by side, usually in the same general direction but separated by invisible water and rarely touching. Sadly I was not blessed with the three-second memory they say fish have, and thoughts of what they had done, and more importantly, what they might have felt, or continued to feel, for each other, kept me awake at night.

  Jo
sh had no idea what I had discovered, no idea I had confronted Eve, or that I knew all about their affair. Why hadn’t I told him? Yelled at him? Insisted he tell me everything and promise it was over? Partly fear of where it would all lead, I suppose, but also partly, I had to admit now, because I no longer really cared enough about what he did to risk losing everything I had. This was not love, this was marriage, and the two did not necessarily go together like a horse and carriage, no matter what that old song might say. If what Eve had told me was true, that she had been the one to develop a conscience and end things between them, then perhaps he was still angry with her, or still hurting, or still hopeful of a reconciliation. I had no idea which way his thinking might go, no idea what he felt, but it was not the right time to rock the boat, in case it was me who fell overboard, so I was not going to ask.

  I saw Eve as little as possible, and watched Josh like a hawk, checking his stories for lies, his document case for suspicious bills, his phone for any evidence of contact. It was no way to live.

  ***

  When Eve moved out of Dad’s, I was pleased. I would be able to visit him whenever I liked without the risk of bumping into her. Sticking to calling round in school hours, when I knew she would be at work, was all very well, but it meant Janey got to see so little of her granddad and trying to make up excuses for why she hadn’t seen her auntie in ages was becoming difficult. I suppose she saw her at school, but I didn’t want to know about any of that and I was hoping Eve had listened to me, for once, and was keeping any contact strictly professional and absolutely minimal. Miss Peters was acceptable. Auntie Eve was not.

  Eve’s speedy return to Wales would have suited me fine, but she was settling into the new school and once she’d got a mortgage and decided to buy her own place, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. Still, it wasn’t as if I would have to see her at all, if I chose not to, now she had moved. But then I realised she would once again have a private space, not a million miles away, where Josh could go, and where their meetings could remain unseen, undetected. And that bothered me.

  As the months went by, my worries lessened and I started to believe everything would be okay. Eve had a career again, a purpose in life, and I had warned her off in a way that I didn’t think she would try to fight against, especially now Dad knew and so clearly disapproved. She’d always been Daddy’s girl, and would hate the thought that she had let him down. I finally felt I could breathe again.

  For Janey’s twelfth birthday, which was coming up in September, we booked a week in Spain. It would have been wrong to keep her out of school at the start of a new school year so we went early, with Josh moaning about the exorbitant cost of fights and hotels as we were going in the school holidays, and about how many other screaming brats were likely to be there spoiling the peace and quiet because of it, but the break was something I felt we all needed.

  I loved watching the two of them splashing about in the hotel pool and throwing a ball and racing each other along the sand whenever we went down to the beach, Janey’s skin turning a lovely golden colour as the days progressed and Josh’s shoulders peeling in the places his haphazard sun cream spreading had not quite reached. We treated ourselves to ice creams every day, in at least a dozen flavours, tried some unfamiliar Spanish seafood dishes, and ate lots of oily salads and far too many chips, and Janey was allowed to sit with us in the bar in the evenings, something she had never done at home. She spent time curling her hair and choosing what to wear, took sneaky sips of our cocktails and laughed at the comedian’s risqué jokes, even though I felt sure she didn’t really understand most of them. We felt like a real family again and here, away from home, it was easier to push the spectre of my sister aside, much as they had probably pushed all thoughts of me aside when they were miles away in Wales. There’s something about distance that muddies the waters, wobbles the edges a bit.

  Although her periods had started a few months before, that holiday was the first time I fully realised how quickly Janey was growing up, small breasts starting to fill out her bikini, her eyes following one of the dishy waiters every time he passed our table and, worryingly, his following her too. She would be a teenager before we knew it and, if my own teenage antics were anything to go by, we would have our work cut out fretting over what she was doing, and who with, in the years to come. All I wanted right then was to hang on to her childhood as long as I possibly could, and to make sure it remained a happy and secure one. And that meant hanging on to Josh.

  We had booked a suite, which meant that Janey’s bed, although not in a separate room, was at least tucked away around a convenient L-shaped bend that gave both her and us some privacy. Worn out from all the swimming and the late nights, she slept deeply and well, and we took advantage of that. Josh, mellowed by too much cheap booze and the effects of the sun, pounced on me most nights as soon as our clothes were off. I can’t say I was always in the mood, and it was hard to keep the thoughts of him doing the same thing to my sister away, but I closed my eyes and tried to live in the moment, letting his hands do their work. By the time the week was over I felt confident that some sort of bond had been reformed, and that, for now anyway, we were solid again. The danger had passed.

  ***

  Another Christmas was coming, the first since I had confronted Eve about the affair, and I wasn’t at all sure how I was going to deal with it. Thankfully, it was our turn to go up to Josh’s parents, so at least Christmas Day itself would be okay, but there was still the problem of Janey wanting to see the family all together and to spend time with Eve, and what we should do about buying her a present. I did wonder if, now the air had been cleared and the skeletons were out of the cupboard, and with a bit of distance between us, we might find a way to get past it all. How hard could it be, after all, for us to be in the same room for a few hours, having a drink, watching TV, opening presents? It had to happen sometime and, for Janey’s sake, I didn’t want there to be a nasty atmosphere.

  I went straight round to Dad’s after work one afternoon and asked him what he thought.

  ‘I think it’s time, Love,’ he said. ‘I can’t say I’m happy about what went on, but you’re both my girls and I hate to see you falling out. I’m not saying you should forget about it, but a fair bit of water’s passed under the bridge now and maybe a spot of forgiveness wouldn’t go amiss? Or a truce. For Christmas, at least. I know your mum wouldn’t have wanted—’

  ‘Oh, Dad. Don’t!’

  ‘Well, I still think about her and what she would have said, even if you don’t. Christmas is a time for families, and for being kind to each other. Eve’s not a bad girl, you know. She made a mistake, and she’s sorry for it. And, to be honest, Josh was just as much to blame, but he’s still welcome in this house, as long as you want him to be.’

  ‘Of course I do. He’s my husband. And Janey’s daddy.’

  ‘Then all I can say is that you’re a lot more forgiving than I could ever be. Sometimes it’s been all I could do to hold my tongue when I’ve seen him.’

  ‘Don’t, Dad, please. No trouble. I don’t want it all dragged up again. And as for forgiving him – them – well, I’m trying, but I’m still not sure I can trust him. Or her. He’s got his work Christmas party tonight at some flash hotel. Tells me he’ll be staying the night so he can drink and enjoy himself, that no wives are going, that it’s just colleagues and clients, and that I’d hate it anyway. But …’

  ‘You’re not sure he’s telling the truth?’

  ‘Dad, I’m not sure I will ever be sure he’s telling the truth.’

  ‘Then call his bluff. Turn up.’

  ‘Without an invitation? He’d kill me.’

  ‘Turn up incognito then. Hide behind the Christmas tree, disguise yourself as a waitress, peer through the window from the car park. Whatever you need to do to see what he’s really up to.’

  ‘Dad! I’m not a spy.’

  ‘Maybe you should be. If you want to know what’s going on, you need to see it with your own e
yes, but I don’t think even Eve would have the brass neck to go with him to something like that, in front of all his work friends.’

  ‘No, you’re probably right. And I’m not going to go crawling around in the dark looking like the neurotic wife with her nose pressed against the window. But I think I might just call Eve this evening, to make sure she’s at home.’

  ‘That’s my girl!’ Dad laughed and put his arms around me. ‘It will all be all right, you know. And as for Christmas Day, well, Eve will be here to keep me company and to pull a cracker or two, then she’s off to her pal Lucy’s on Boxing Day to coo over that new little baby of hers, so let’s say the day after that, when you’re back from Leeds, shall we? For a good old family get-together. I’ll even put up the tree this year. I don’t suppose you’d like to come here, with Eve, and decorate it, would you? Sometime in the next few days? Get the box out, untangle the lights, fight over who puts the angel on top, like you used to?’

  ‘That might be a step too far, Dad, but if Eve’s keen I’ll send Janey round to help her. How’s that? She does miss her auntie since she moved out, and none of this is Janey’s fault. I don’t want her to miss out, or to start asking too many questions. So far I’ve just palmed her off with stories about Eve being really busy at work and with settling into her own place. But she’s always asking to see her.’

  ‘Perfect.’

  So that’s what we did and, although calling any of it perfect would have been a big stretch of the imagination, another Christmas went by and we all survived it. Josh got plastered and stayed out all night at his swanky hotel do, but Eve answered her phone and I could hear her TV in the background as I made some excuse about checking on what she was buying for Dad, so I knew they weren’t together. We all met up at Dad’s after Christmas as planned, and Josh sat with a perpetually refilled drink in his hand at the opposite end of the room from Eve, who spent most of the afternoon producing food and the evening playing Monopoly with Dad and Janey. The tree twinkled, with its little angel balanced on top, and Smoky the cat enjoyed playing with the screwed-up balls of wrapping paper. The only thing missing was Mum, but there was nothing any of us could do about that, and her absence made everything else seem petty and unimportant.