Dungeon Crawler Carl Book 2

by DoctorHepa

  “What is your suitcase number?”

  You must choose a number between 1 and 200. You may only make one choice.

  “I’m suitcase number eight!” Donut said, excitement rising in her voice. “And my friend Katia says she’s number 12.”

  “Your friend must come and get her own suitcase,” the Porter said. He turned to me. “What is your number?”

  “I’m number one,” I said.

  “Very well,” he said. He turned and went down the line of shelves, pulling two suitcases. Case number one was a black roller bag, and Donut’s case number eight was a large, yellow case with flowers on it that looked straight from the 1960s.

  “This is just like that show, Deal or No Deal,” Donut said. “We need to go back to the red line and get the prize on that train too!”

  “Here you are. Have a nice day,” the Porter said, sliding the bags through. I grabbed each in turn. The little half door slammed closed, leaving us alone in the gangway.

  I tried to pull the bags into my inventory, and I received an error message.

  Prize cases must be opened before they can be added to your inventory.

  “Let’s open them now!” Donut said.

  I grabbed the suitcases, one in each hand. “Not here. Let’s go back. We have to hurry.” We turned and jogged back up to car number five. I wanted to make sure we got into the conductor’s room before the monsters at the next station saw us. We made it just in time.

  Katia and Vernon looked up at us as we entered the room.

  Vernon shook his head. “Those crazy Grapplers are always mixing up everyone’s luggage.”

  “We gotta go back and get Katia’s suitcase, too!” Donut said.

  I tossed my case onto the counter next to the jar of moonshine. This was not like a loot box where it opened magically. I had to zip it open. I pulled the zipper around and opened the top, peering inside.

  “What is it? What is it?” Donut asked.

  I reached in and pulled out the red lingerie. The suitcase was full of women’s clothing, high-heel shoes, and a bunch of brochures about things to do in Delaware.

  “This is just someone’s suitcase,” I said. “It’s not a real prize.”

  “Wait, what’s that?” Donut asked, pointing to a bulge in one of the pockets.

  I opened it up, and I pulled out three potions. Two mana potions and something new.

  Invisibility Potion.

  Guess what this does.

  “Oh hell yeah,” I said. It now let me put everything into my inventory, including the suitcase and clothes.

  I felt the train finally start to slow as we reached station number 116. The announcement came, but I could barely hear it. I think he said this was called Banshee Station.

  “Do mine, do mine!” Donut said, hopping up and down on my shoulder. I pulled her suitcase onto the counter. Katia and Vernon stopped their discussion to watch as I pulled the zipper on the case.

  YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THAT, BUCKO?

  The notification was a type I’d never seen before. It surprised me enough that I stopped unzipping the bag and took a step back.

  Later, I would realize it was my Find Traps skill activating for the first time. At the moment, I had no idea what was happening. But then I noticed the suitcase.

  I’d unzipped it only a couple inches, but that was enough. The red, flaming ants poured from the hole, sweeping over the counter and surging at us. The drawings of Vernon’s wife were also on the counter, and the sheets of paper burst into flames.

  Literal Fire Ants. Level 1.

  This is a trap monster.

  Like regular fire ants, but with more enthusiasm. Plus they hate you and want you to die. They’re pretty good at making that happen.

  They just kept coming and coming, surging from the suitcase, which had burst into flames. Like the description said, they were just like regular ants, but on fire. There were suddenly thousands of them, more than the bag could really have held. They were fast. We all jumped back as the waves of insects spread forth, covering the bar in a matter of seconds. Flames rose wherever the bugs touched. Black smoke started to fill the car.

  The bottle of moonshine on the counter, sitting in the midst of the fire, blinked and then a notification appeared over it. Explosion Imminent. A red set of numbers rocketed toward zero.

  “Oh fuck,” I said. “Run!”

  The moonshine bottle exploded, spreading flaming liquid throughout the car. Katia was thrown from her feet, and Mongo squealed in pain. The ceiling and walls were suddenly on fire, and the ants were everywhere.

  “Fuck,” I cried in pain, slapping myself in the face.

  “I’m on fire! Help! I’m on fire!” Donut screamed, her voice high-pitched and panicked. I pulled her from my shoulder and slapped at the flames on her tail, further burning my hand. She had two little ants on her. I smushed them between my fingers.

  “Go, go!” I cried, pointing toward the forward door as the ants surged at us. Katia’s health had blipped down, more than I expected. We’re not moving. The train is stopped at the station. Her momentum bonus isn’t active.

  Mongo glowed as he scrambled to his feet. Donut had cast Heal Pet on him. He squawked in fear. We all turned and ran toward the door.

  Vernon cried out. I looked over my shoulder as a flaming wave swept over him. And then he was just gone. An impossible amount of ants swelled, crawling up the walls, sweeping over the floor. More explosions echoed from behind the bar as bottles went up.

  We burst into car number four. Three tall, terrifying monsters turned at the intrusion. They looked like skinless, eyeless, human-sized jackrabbits walking on two legs. These were monsters from Banshee Station, who’d just gotten on moments before.

  The doors to the train were still open, but they’d close at any moment.

  “Out, out onto the platform!” I cried. I still clutched onto Donut.

  The first of the doors was right there, and I leaped through, hoping the others would make it in time. Mongo and Katia jumped through just as the doors snapped shut.

  The platform was empty. All of the rabbit monsters—the Cornets—had gotten on the train. The three monsters in train number four turned their eyeless heads toward us just as the train started to move. We watched in horror as the monsters were overwhelmed, one by one, by a creeping, crawling wave of flames.

  We stood there in silence on the platform as the train picked up speed and disappeared into the tunnel. As it rumbled away, I could still hear Vernon’s terrified, final screams echoing in my head.

  “That was the worst prize ever,” Donut said.

  A note from DoctorHepa

  Welcome to Monday, everybody! I can't believe we're almost in August. It still feels like it should be March. In a normal year, I would've just come back into town from my 15th out-of-town art show of the year. Instead I've been sitting at home and building a sunroom for the dogs. Life is weird. Stay safe out there.

  * * *

  Chapter 79

  Banshee Station 116. Yellow Line.

  Unlike the previous platform, this one held multiple exits. The moment the train pulled away, more red dots appeared, shuffling up toward the station. These were more monsters getting ready for the next train, which would be here in about ten minutes.

  “I can see the whole area on the map,” Katia said. “It’s not too big. There are a lot of twisting tunnels and four big rooms. One is what looks like a boss room like the ones on the first floor. There aren’t any safe rooms. I see a pair of the bathrooms, though. Weird. There aren’t any on the trains.”

  “This tunnel,” Donut said, pointing to one near the end of the platform. “I don’t see any monsters in that one.”

  We jogged toward the passageway, which was nothing more than a low, rocky cave. Water dripped from the ceiling. Donut activated her Torch.

  We waited for a minute, catching our breath. Behind us, several of the skinless rabbits filled the station. Even from around the corner, I could hear
them. They made an odd humming noise.

  “There has to be a shitload of these Cornets here,” I said. “If monsters get on at every train, every ten minutes, all day long, then there has to be a constant stream of them.”

  “This station is big, but it’s not huge,” Katia said.

  “Then they’re either somehow getting back here after they get off at station 120—like how Vernon was getting back to the yard—or the system is creating more of them.” I remembered the Brindle Grubs from the second floor. Those had been created on demand. But from what Mordecai said, they only did that with the janitor mobs. There was usually a finite amount of the other mobs. Once you killed them, they would not be replenished.

  “Poor Vernon,” Katia said. “That was horrible. He was saving up money to buy his wife a new house.”

  “Yeah. Plus those bugs burned up my prize,” Donut said. “It’s not fair.”

  “There is no wife,” I said. “And there was no prize. The ants were your prize, Donut. I guess we need to be more vigilant about traps from now on. I need to figure out how to train my Find Traps skill. It warned me, but much too late. My pedicure buff gives me a few extra seconds if the trap is foot triggered, but obviously there are other types of traps too.”

  “What do you mean there is no wife?” Katia said. “He was lying?”

  “No,” I said. “He believes, or I guess believed, he had a wife. This floor has only been open for a day. Before this, he was probably a dwarf doing something else. Whatever the fourth floor theme was the last time they ran the dungeon. When these floors are generated, the NPCs are given artificial memories. It’s all part of the story. This entire floor is probably just the trains. He says he can go home, but where’s that? There is no home. No wife. It’s really fucked up because these aren’t computer programs. These are actual, living creatures who believe this is the real world.”

  “I never really thought of it that way,” Katia said. “That’s… that’s horrible.”

  I nodded. “It’s just as bad as what they’ve done to us.”

  “So what’s the plan?” Donut asked. From my shoulder, she reached out and put her paw against the side of the cave wall. It came away slimy. She frowned. “This place is disgusting.”

  I thought for a moment. “Since we’re here, we should hit the boss room if we can. Maybe we can figure out why they’re always getting on the train. Like with the NPCs, they can create them, give them a story, and set them free, but they’re not robots. There has to be a reason why they’re getting on the train and getting off. The more we know about this place, the better our chances of figuring out how to get the hell out of here.”

  We needed to first figure out what we were facing at this station. I had Donut scout out a tunnel with a single Cornet, so we could fight it. They supposedly used an aural attack. We needed to figure out what that meant.

  The monsters were constantly moving from the deeper rooms to the platform. Donut’s newly-enhanced ability to see mobs on the map worked well, but it didn’t extend that far. I wished there was a way to combine Katia’s larger map, Donut’s ability to see mobs at a greater distance, and my ability to hunt down traps all into a single interface.

  “There’s one, moving down the tunnel by itself,” Donut said. “It’s a couple of turns that way.”

  We headed toward the monster.

  Zev: Hey guys! Long time no talk.

  Donut: HI ZEV!

  Zev: I know you’re busy, but I wanted to check in. I’m still working on your mid-floor appearance. A lot of it is going to depend on what happens with the sponsorship bidding. Things are getting a little intense out there. The same with the two fan boxes you guys have coming.

  Donut: DID YOU SEE WE ARE ON THE TOP 10 LIST?

  Zev: Of course I saw. Actually, I wanted to bring something up really quick while I can.

  Carl: Out with it.

  Zev: It’s about Katia.

  I stopped moving through the passageway. I held up my hand for the others to halt.

  “What is it?” Katia asked.

  “Just a minute,” I said. “We’re talking to our PR agent about something.”

  “Now?”

  I could now see the monster’s dot on the map. It was just around the corner. It had paused in the middle of the tunnel. I could hear the creature’s odd humming, but there was another noise, too. A clink, clink, clink. I couldn’t tell what it was.

  Donut: WHAT ABOUT KATIA?

  Zev: She’s boring. People don’t like her. Odette complained about her lackluster participation in the interview, and the tunnel is filled with people hoping she gets wasted just so it can be you two again. You either need to ditch her or make her more interesting. Tell her to spice it up. Maybe grow a mohawk. I’m not allowed to message her directly, but I can talk to her face-to-face after your next interview if you want.

  Carl: Are you fucking kidding me?

  Donut: MAYBE IF SHE MAKES HERSELF MORE SEXY LOOKING THAT WILL WORK. MAYBE MAKE HER BOOBS BIGGER LIKE ODETTE DID.

  Zev: Well you need to do something. What’s the point of adding a new character if she sucks? It’s like when they added April to Gilmore Girls. But worse.

  Donut: OH NO. I WILL HELP HER.

  Carl: She’s an art history professor, not a circus poodle. If people don’t like her, they can suck it.

  Zev: If they don’t like her, they’ll stop watching. If they stop watching, you’ll get less views. If you get less views, you’ll get less prizes from the fan boxes and sponsors. And we’re just getting started with fan and sponsor prizes.

  Carl: She’s shy, and she’s overwhelmed like the rest of us. You can’t just expect someone to change like that.

  Donut: SURE WE CAN. WATCH.

  “You need to grow a mohawk,” Donut said to Katia. “And maybe get a catchphrase. That really worked for Carl.”

  “Goddamnit, Donut,” I said. I regretted it the moment the phrase came out of my mouth.

  “What do you mean?” Katia asked. She reached up and touched her blonde hair. She’d managed to make it look much more natural. Before, the hairs were too thick, almost like doll hair. Her face was also more natural-looking than before. She no longer looked like a burn victim and now just looked like someone who’d had too much cosmetic surgery. Like Bea’s mom.

  “She doesn’t mean anything,” I said. “It’s not important right now.”

  “It is important, Carl. We shouldn’t avoid conversations just because they’re uncomfortable. Zev thinks since you’re hanging with us, you need to be more vibrant.”

  “More vibrant?” she asked. “Is she saying I’m boring?”

  “No,” Donut lied. “She just thinks you’ll get more followers if you give the viewers something to latch onto. It’s not a bad thing. But people need to know who you are. You have to give them something to root for.”

  “My views have never been higher. I have almost ten billion followers. It was almost nothing until I joined your team.”

  “Oh you precious thing,” Donut said. “It’s great, it really is, but those are rookie numbers. I have over 700 trillion.”

  I sighed. At least Donut was being diplomatic. “Look, now is not the time… Oh, fuck.”

  The rabbit monster must have heard us speaking. It started moving in our direction. Mongo growled.

  “All right, we’re shelving this. Formation two.”

  The tunnel was wide enough that we could stand side-by-side. Formation two was similar to formation one, but with me in the center. Donut remained on my shoulder, but she would jump down the moment I approached the monster. Mongo, Katia, and I would all charge at the same time while Donut remained in the rear. Mongo stood to my left, and Katia would take up a blocking formation on my right.

  The tall creature turned the corner. It walked on two legs, but it was hunched forward. Its red, skinless body seemed wet. The rabbit ears were absurdly long, reaching the ceiling. The thing had no eyes. Just a massive mouth with teeth. Its entire body humme
d. The sound grew louder.

  “Jesus,” I said. The thing was hard to look at. It had arms with human-like fingers. It was holding an empty potion vial in its hand, and it dropped it on the ground with a clink.

  “It just took a potion,” I said. “Watch out!”

  Red Cornet. Level 21.

  Well, what did you expect in an opera? A happy ending?

  The Cornet is a devolved form of the more common Lepus, one of the most widespread, semi-intelligent species across the known universe. During the early years of the Skull Empire’s expansion, a system warlord developed a taste for a dish called Lepus hasenpfeffer, which caused the Lepus on that planet to be hunted to near extinction. A band of the hunted fled to the extensive, lightless caves of the planet and disappeared for several thousand years.

  The devolved Lepus lost its sight, but it developed its rudimentary echolocation skills into an impressive attack. They don’t normally run around without skin. We just added that part because it makes them scary as shit.

  Donut nailed the creature with two missiles, bowling it over. The rabbit screamed, and the humming noise increased. The creature scrambled back, almost dead. Its two ears flattened backward, and I suddenly felt a wave of nausea wash over me. My vision went double. My ears rang. I was abruptly on my knees, and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t move. I vomited my hamburger and French fries on the ground.

  You’ve been rendered Queasy!

  A moment later, the feeling ceased. I groaned, looking up. The Cornet was dead with Mongo on top of the creature, ripping it to pieces. Donut and Katia had also grown ill. It didn’t seem to have an affect on Mongo.

  I groaned again, as groaning seemed the most appropriate response after being suddenly and violently ill, and I rolled away from the puddle of vomit. I looked up at the dinosaur who was happily devouring the skinless creature. It had dropped a few gold coins, and that was it. Mongo grunted happily as he ate.

  “How is it you’re okay when everything else makes you sick?” I grumbled. Jesus. I hated throwing up.

  Carl: Mordecai. We’re fighting walking rabbits that make us puke. The debuff is called Queasy. How do we fight it?