Dungeon Crawler Carl Book 2

by DoctorHepa

  If this worked as intended, both Meadow Lark and Bautista’s crew would have a warning that the train with the X would be the last one coming down the line for a while.

  “Okay guys, you ready for this?” I asked. I didn’t wait for an answer. Katia, Donut, and Mongo retreated to the back of the platform as I pulled the first of the two devices from my inventory.

  I gently placed it on the platform and watched it for a few moments to make sure it didn’t deteriorate on its own. According to the Demolitions Workshop menu, the device was stable against anything except heavy impact. Still, I watched that status number nervously. It did not lower. I pulled out the fishing pole I’d hobbled together, hooked the tire-sized device up, and I gently lowered it onto the track, keeping it as far away from the third rail as possible. I moved down to the far end of the platform and placed a second charge a half of a car’s length into the tunnel.

  For our first derailment, I decided to keep it simple. I wanted to build a metal ramp that’d fit snugly on the two rails, something that’d cause the first car to lift away and to the side, derailing it nice and clean. But I didn’t have the proper measurements. So instead I went with a classic. Landmines.

  The devices resembled tire-shaped cross sections of the spike-covered contact mines that were widely used in naval warfare in the early 20th century. I’d gotten the idea for the plunger from the cookbook. I’d changed it up just enough to make it look like I’d come up with the idea on my own. It hadn’t taken long to build. Basically it was an oblong, hob-lobber-stuffed metal tube with a single, hopefully-stable hobgoblin stick of dynamite added for extra measure. The system labeled it a Jelly Bomb, presumably after a jelly donut. I did not get credit for inventing it. When the train hit it, one of the spikes would be depressed and would smash an impact-detonated hob-lobber, causing the whole mine to shred and explode. The metal on the top half of the bomb was scored into triangle-shapes for added shrapnel. I’d built the plungers using the Gorgon Marital aid. We hadn’t yet been able to test it, and I was nervous about a premature detonation. Especially while I was setting it. I was reasonably certain two of these would be enough to dislodge the train from the track. Hopefully I didn’t end up killing the engineer. Or myself.

  Once the two landmines were set, I joined the others at the top of the stairs. If anything went wrong—like we accidentally unleashed a horde of flying skunk fairies on the station—we’d either retreat into the safe room or hop onto the Purple Line, depending on what happened.

  I looked over my shoulder and examined the small transit station. The three shops were a pho restaurant, a general store, and a well-kept, church-like building, which was the entrance to Club Vanquisher. The door to the club opened, and a ram-headed cleric in robes stepped out to regard us. He glared at us for a moment before returning inside.

  Elle: Hey stud. We explored through one of those five stations. You wouldn’t believe what we found. We had to fight three neighborhood bosses. There’s a borough boss, too, but we left her alone. Imani says she’s an old friend of yours. A miss Krakaren.

  Carl: Now’s not a good time. We’ll talk in a bit.

  Elle: Okay, big guy. Tell Donut I said hello.

  I remembered the description of the first, tentacled Krakaren boss had said there were many of them. If this one was a borough boss, that meant she was probably a lot bigger. The original Krakaren we’d fought had been using her body along with the brindle grubs to produce their Rev-Up moonshine. I wondered what this one was up to.

  The ground rumbled, signifying the approach of the next train.

  “I’m moderately excited about this, Carl,” said Donut.

  A note from DoctorHepa

  "WTF, DoctorHepa! You're ending this chapter on a goddamn cliff? Screw you!"

  Freddie the Double-Chapter Labrador says, "Strap in, Bitches! It's double chapter day!"

  (Chapter 84 incoming in about 10-15 minutes)

  Chapter 84

  Ka-Blam!

  Even from the top of the stairs, the detonation was deafening. The ground shook. Mongo screeched in fear. Dust cascaded from the ceiling. A horrific screeching and crashing noise filled the platform below, and even more smoke and dust billowed up. Katia grasped onto my arm for support, and Donut leaped to my shoulder, digging her claws in. Even more crashing echoed below our feet, followed a moment later by a second explosion that echoed through the tumult like a shotgun blast.

  Level Up! You are now level 29.

  Three stat points gained.

  New achievement! Locomotive Breath!

  While it’s not exactly a feat of engineering worthy of a Queen Elizabeth Prize, you finally managed to manufacture a train derailment. Let’s hope this doesn’t set off some sort of unforeseen domino effect that will ripple throughout the rest of the floor, leading to mass confusion and death amongst you and your fellow crawlers.

  Reward: You’ve received a Gold Engineering Box!

  That was ominous.

  “Okay,” I said as the explosions and crumpling sounds finally ceased. “Let’s get moving. Donut, do you see any red dots?”

  “No,” she said. “There are some corpses on the platform. I think one of the cars broke open.”

  “Let’s go down there. Katia, keep a timer going. Eight minutes.”

  If the next train down the line didn’t stop, we needed to be out of there for the next crash. And the one after that. I didn’t know how this was going to play, but first we needed to look at what we’d done.

  “Wow,” Donut said as we went down the stairs into the smoke-filled room. The engine car was on its side, the top almost reaching the inside wall of the platform. I couldn’t see the bottom of the train at this angle, but smoke billowed from underneath, most of it venting into the ceiling. The train was still attached to part of car number two, which had been twisted and peeled away like a tin can. Dead tentacle wolves and skunk fairies lay scattered about the passenger car, some of them having rolled onto the platform. This second car was half on the track, back raised, half twisted forward and on its side, leaving a massive rent where the roof once was. I didn’t know if the crash had killed the mobs or if they automatically died once they were exposed to the air of this platform.

  “There are still some mobs alive in the back cars of the train,” Donut said. “I can see the white dot of the conductor. I don’t see the engineer, but I never did before.”

  “Good,” I said. I felt relief that we hadn’t killed the conductor.

  “The train jumped the track, but the engine car doesn’t look hurt,” Katia said. “It’s on its side, but it’s all in one piece. It ripped that other car in half when it flipped over.”

  “It must be made out of stronger stuff,” I said, picking my way down the bottom of the stairs. The train had bowled over the magical sign in the center of the platform. Hunks of metal were everywhere. Dozens of small fires burned. If they didn’t have the vent system, this place would be completely full of black, choking smoke.

  We moved to the peeled half of the second car, approaching the gangway, which had been peeled open, creating a window to the tracks below. Debris littered the ground, sparks flying as the metal came in contact with the rail. I could see part of the main train track was a mangled mess. This track wouldn’t be used any time soon.

  We could now see the still-closed doorway leading into train number one.

  “The door is still intact,” Katia said. “If he doesn’t come out, what’re we going to do?”

  Before I could answer, the door slid open, and an enormous figure emerged, half pulling himself, half falling from the sideways door and onto the ripped and tattered wall of the gangway. He grumbled something and pulled himself up.

  “All righty then,” I muttered as the… man… came to his feet. He stood about eight feet tall, towering over us.

  Vernon the conductor had suggested that the engineers might be human based on their voices, but he really wasn’t certain. He’d never seen one. He’d only bee
n half correct.

  From the shoulders down, this was a normal man. He was built large and strong. But where a normal person’s neck would be was another torso, leading to the top half of—another?—man. This top half wasn’t as large as the lower half. The creature had a pair of legs and arms on the bottom half and another pair of arms on the top half. The gap-toothed man had greasy, black hair that hung out from his engineer’s hat. He wore a beige work shirt on his top half that ended at the waist. Over his left breast was a nametag that read “Gore-Gore.” The bottom, larger half was naked except for a loincloth made of the same material as the shirt.

  The man’s face and naked lower half was covered in lined streaks of blue paint like he was cosplaying Mel Gibson’s character in Braveheart.

  Gore-Gore. ManTauR. Level 40.

  Ochre Line Train Engineer.

  Of all the ‘taurs out there, from Centaurs to Bisontaurs to Rhinotaurs, the ManTauR is one of the weirdest. Half human, and, uh, half human, the ManTauR has been genetically engineered for both strength and dexterity, making them perfect for the often-grueling and thankless job of Tangle Train Engineer.

  Unfortunately, the act of making these magnificent, large-footed beasts oftentimes results in creatures with double amounts of testosterone and whatever else makes humans so prone to overt masculinity and hyper, overenthusiastic piety toward their god of choice.

  I had no idea why it spelled it like that.

  “Hail, brother and sister,” Gore-Gore shouted. “And Princess. Fine Princess! Hail! You have survived the train wreck. We must flee this wretched place. But behold! Luck is on our side in this dark time, for we are at a transit station where we may find sustenance and mead!” The Mantaur (or ManTauR) fell forward, so he ran on his legs and lower set of arms, which was absurdly disturbing. He bounded from the train, rushed past us, and onto the platform.

  He thinks we were passengers. He doesn’t know we’re the ones who crashed the train. “What about the conductor?” I called, turning to look at the back of the train. Cars numbers three and four were smushed up against one another, the conjunction between the two cars starting to reach up toward the ceiling of the chamber. Car five was still half in the tunnel.

  “Time is scarce!” The creature shouted, even though it wasn’t necessary to shout. “The next train will be upon us soon. And the one after that! All will crash. It will take time for the home base to learn there is a problem and to send an interdiction team. We must flee this forsaken place! Run and we will live to battle another day!” He turned and charged for the stairs.

  “Should we help the conductor?” Katia asked.

  “Ah, he’ll probably be fine,” I said. “Come on. We need to talk to this guy before he gallops away.”

  * * *

  The second train careened into the back of the first, causing yet another earthquake and a giant, screeching crash. It sounded as if more cars were pushed into the platform below. More dust and smoke billowed up from below.

  All of us stood at the top of the stairwell. Gore-Gore didn’t seem to know what to do with himself now that he was out of the train. This had already gone differently than I was expecting. I sent some instructions to Donut over chat.

  “Hail my fallen brothers!” Gore-Gore suddenly shouted for no apparent reason. He beat his top chest, leaving a splotch of blue body paint on the uniform.

  “Hey,” Donut said “Can Carl here ask you some questions?”

  “Of course!” he shouted. “It is my sacred duty to help the customers of the Tangle! That goes double for princesses and their manservants!”

  “Can you please stop shouting,” Donut said. “It upsets Mongo.”

  Mongo squawked in agreement.

  Carl: Now you know how I feel when you type in all caps.

  Donut: THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING, CARL.

  “I will do my best, Princess Donut,” the man shouted. “I do not wish to upset your royal steed. How may I serve you!”

  “We have some questions about the end of the line,” I said.

  “You mean stop number 435?” he said, his manner changing instantly. It was like I’d flipped a switch. He lowered his voice. “We recommend all passengers disembark at stop 433. That is the last transit station. After that it is not safe. Even for fine warriors such as yourselves.”

  “Safe?” Katia scoffed. “The stops before that are safe?”

  “What’s at stop 434? And 435?” I asked.

  “Stop 434 is barren,” he said. “Stop 435 is where my fellow employees exit the train and take the portal back to the depot.”

  “What about you?” I probed. “We talked to a conductor, and he said he never sees your kind get off the train. And they don’t remember what happens at 435.”

  Gore-Gore paused, an odd expression on his paint-covered face. He seemed scared and something else. Ashamed? It didn’t make sense. I knew we’d never be getting this information if we didn’t have Donut and her Charisma greasing the wheels for us. “The Tangle employees, having completed their sacred duty, disembark at 435 and proceed into the tunnel which transports them back to base. The Kravyad are in charge of employee return. They use their dark magic to prepare the employees before they enter the portal. The portal has a side effect regarding memory. Human resources says they’re looking into it.”

  “What about you?” I repeated. “What do you do?”

  “I, uh, gate the train. Like any true engineer would.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “There’s a gate just after stop 435, and I drive into it. It is an enormous portal that the train just pushes through. I enter, and I am back at the depot, pulling into a parking spot. Alas, it’s just my engine car. The nineteen other cars are gone.”

  “Gone?” I asked.

  He snapped a finger on one of his lower hands. “Just like that. One moment I’m approaching the abyss gate, and then I’m at the depot. It’s magic, and I do not know how it works.” He looked back and forth and then leaned in, whispering as if afraid he’d be overheard. “My kind do not believe magic is honorable or true. I do not like utilizing the gate. But I am a good employee, and I do what I am told. There’s no memory loss like the dwarves and grapples experience. There’s a flash of vile light, and I and the car teleport. I sleep for eight hours in my cabin, eat an epic meal, get up and do the checks, and wait for them to hook the cars back up for my next run.”

  “You sleep?” I asked. “The conductor said when he gets to the end of the line, he blinks and he’s getting on the train again right away. He didn’t say there was a enough time for anyone to go to sleep.”

  Gore-Gore’s top half shrugged. The streak of blue face paint glinted in the light. “They lose some time when they go through the portal. It’s nine or ten hours until the next shift.”

  “And what about the other cars? They say they loop back in time, resetting themselves.”

  He nodded. “I do not know the details. The passenger cars go through a deep cleaning upon transport. Any damage is repaired. Foreign objects are removed. Mostly.”

  That wasn’t exactly how Vernon put it. “But what about your car? It doesn’t get, uh, deep-cleaned?”

  “No. It does not.”

  Excellent. I asked the important question. “So if we are with you when you go through the gate, we’d be okay, too?”

  He paused. “I have heard of passengers riding through the gate. The deep-cleaning process isn’t good for them. Sometimes there are bones.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t mean if we were in the passenger cars. I mean if we were in the engine car. With you.”

  Gore-Gore frowned. “I always wish to ride with fellow warriors, especially into the unknown. But, alas! Nobody rides in the first car except engineers. It is the rule of the Tangle! Not even other employees are allowed within. No exceptions!”

  “But if we were in that first car, we’d be fine?”

  “You would not be killed by the abyss gate.” He abruptly lifted all four arms int
o the air, and metal blades erupted from the flesh over his top two wrists with a shing, like he was some sort of fucked up Wolverine. “But I would be honor-bound to slay you! No exceptions, my fellow warrior!”

  “Okay then,” I said, taking a step back. This guy was crazy. They’re all crazy. Every last one of them. “One last question. You came out because the train crashed. Is there any other reason why you’d come out of the car? Like if we ever wanted to talk to one of your fellow engineers, how would we do that?”

  He lowered his arms, blades retracting back into his skin. Blood dribbled down his hands where the blades appeared. “We do not leave the engine car if the train is intact. This is a rule. Now my fellow warriors. I see a place of respite. I shall drink my fill of mead and wait for the crash interdiction team to arrive to extract me back to base. Hail!”

  We watched as Gore-Gore turned and walked toward Club Vanquisher. He ducked into the entrance, disappearing.

  “It figures he’d be a member of that place,” I said. I turned to Katia and Donut. Below, we heard another, distant squeal as yet another train crashed. “What did we just learn?”

  “It sounds like we can get back to the start if we can get into the engine car,” Katia said.

  “That’s right,” I said. “But if the only way to get into the car is by crashing a train, then that won’t do us any good.”

  “We need an engineer’s key. He probably has it in his inventory,” Katia said. “That way we can break into the first car while the train is still moving.”

  I nodded. “That’s what I’m thinking. But we know the keys are also color coded. So his key will only work on other ochre line trains. I don’t think we can hop over to the yellow line and use it there. And if we have to crash a train to get the key, that stops the rest of the trains on the line. We don’t know for how long. But if the trains are stopped, then the key is useless.”