Rotten Peaches

by Lisa de Nikolits

  “And yet look, you lived. When are you coming home?”

  “We’re due to pack up tomorrow afternoon. I’ll get the first flight I can, get there by early evening. I can’t cut the conference short, you know that.”

  “We don’t need you here anyway,” Dave is cruel. “I know there’s something you’re still not telling me, but frankly I don’t care. Hot and cold, that’s what you are, Lee. You blow hot and cold and right now, I can’t be bothered to deal with you. Maddie is in shock too. She saw the whole thing happen, and she was hysterical. She’s more traumatized then Kenzie.”

  “Did she, Kenzie I mean, did she ask about me?”

  “She did not. Neither did Maddie. Seems they don’t have very high expectations of you, Lee.”

  “Dave, what’s going on with you? I thought we were getting better? I’m trying, I’m really trying.”

  “Having sex doesn’t mean our relationship is better. And yes, you’re seeing a therapist. But I guess it takes a while for it to kick in. We still have to find a marriage counselor. I keep meaning to look for one, but in between the laundry, the dishes, and the homework, I guess you could say I’m a little tired out come the end of the day.”

  “Hey, this isn’t my fault, Dave. I wasn’t happy to sit on my ass and be a stuck-at-home mommy. And when I told you it was driving me nuts, in the real sense of loco, you told me I could do anything I wanted and that you’d support me. And now you’re throwing it in my face. Nice.”

  “Yeah, well maybe I didn’t figure on a job that would take you away from home so much of the time.” Dave is exhausted. “I miss you, Lee. At least, I miss who you used to be.”

  “I miss me too,” I say and I mean it. “I miss us. I don’t know what’s going on with me either Dave, but I swear, I’m fixing it. You’ll see. Here’s what I want you to do. I want you to call someone to sit with Maddie and I want you to get Kenzie’s bear and take it back to the hospital, so when she wakes up, her bear is with her. And I want you to tell my girls that mommy loves them and that I’ll be home soon. Will you do that?”

  “Sure.” Dave is resigned. “I’ll call the service and I’ll take Kenzie her bear. I should have thought of that. Okay, Lee. Listen,” his voice breaks, “I’m sorry I attacked you. It was a tough day that’s all, and I couldn’t understand why you weren’t picking up. I’m sorry your head was bad. Are you okay?”

  “Better than I was,” I say, and it’s the truth. “I’ll be fine. Call me tomorrow with an update on Kenzie. Did they do an x-ray?”

  “Yeah, they did everything. Her whole back is one big bruise, it breaks my heart. Those little bones, she’s so little, Lee.”

  “I know.” We’re both crying now, and I know we aren’t just crying about Kenzie, we’re crying about our marriage, crying about how hard it is to be an adult, and we’re crying about life in general. And there’s relief. Kenzie will be okay. But it’s all so damned hard.

  “We’ll be okay, Dave,” I say and I try to sound sure of myself. “Okay? We had a wobble, for sure, but we’ll be okay.”

  “Yeah,” Dave says and he sounds calmer. “Yeah, we’ll be okay. You get some rest now Lee, we’ll talk tomorrow.”

  I click my phone off. I strip my clothes off carefully, as if they’re a life I’m leaving behind. I take a shower and scrub hard. I scrub my scalp, my armpits, and my buttocks. I brush my teeth until my gums bleed and I wash my face until it’s shiny and red.

  I clean up the mess in my room. It’s nearly two a.m. when I climb into bed. I set my alarm and take a half a sleeping pill. But despite the pill I can’t sleep. I just lie there, thinking.

  24.

  I CAN’T GET HOME FAST ENOUGH. The plane is stuck in the sky, an unmoving puppet. When I finally land, I rush to my car and fumble to get the key in the ignition. I text Dave and he’s waiting for me at the entrance to Sick Kids.

  “They’re releasing her in an hour or so,” he says by way of hello. His face is drawn and older, there are bags under his eyes. I nod and follow him mutely. “They did x-rays, nothing broken, just bruises. They were worried about a concussion, so they kept her here. We’ve got to keep her quiet for the next couple of days. That’s the easy part, the tough part will be calming Maddie down, she’s still freaked out.”

  I nod again. We’re in the elevator and I’m terrified of seeing my own kids. They have every reason to hate me and that makes me want to cry even harder. Maddie rushes towards me as soon as I enter the door and I crouch down and hug her. As big as she is, I pick her up and she doesn’t mind and I go to Kenzie who’s in her pink fairy ballerina pjs, looking tiny.

  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here, honey,” I say, kissing her forehead and Kenzie reaches up and hugs me. “It’s okay, mommy. I’m fine. I didn’t even break a bone!” She’s so proud of herself.

  “That’s amazing, honey. Does it hurt?” I blow my nose and wipe my eyes.

  She nods. “It hurts when I breathe. And when I sneeze.”

  I turn to Dave questioningly. “Bruised ribs,” he said. “But you’ll heal soon, sweetheart,” he tells Kenzie. “Healing is like a super power, you’ll see. A couple of days and you’ll be good as new.”

  A whirlwind commotion spins into the room. A woman the size of a linebacker sweeps in and halves a big bunch of helium balloons she’s holding. Yellow and silver balloons with brightly-coloured emojis. “Here you go, Kay-Kay,” she says and Kenzie grins. Kay-Kay? Ah, right, Denise. Former hockey great, now I remember. She and Dave must have so much in common. “Sam’s getting out today, you too?”

  Kenzie nods and Denise has the wherewithal to finally notice me. “Hi Lee,” she says breezily and I want to tell her that only Dave calls me Lee. JayRay calls me Leo and I’m Leonie to the rest of the world. But I don’t say anything, and I manage a semblance of a smile. Not that this woman would let me get a word in edgewise.

  “They’ll deliver it the day after tomorrow, around three,” she says to Dave, “and the tuner will be there around five. I told him to text you first.”

  “My piano!” Kenzie sits up, clutching her balloons, delighted.

  “Denise’s piano,” Dave corrects her, “we’re just borrowing it.”

  “For as long as you like,” Denise says and she swings in my direction without warning. “It was my mother’s. We tried Sam on it. To say he was not musical would be an understatement. But your sweet girl here has talent coming out of her ears, so we thought why not?”

  We? I look at Dave who looks at his shoes. “Great,” I say flatly. “Thanks Denise.” At least she understands that’s her cue to leave.

  “A piano?” I say into the silence, feeling like the bad guy.

  “My teacher at school says I’m very good,” Kenzie says, still grinning. “She’s going to give me extra lessons after school, three days a week. And then I can practice at home.”

  “That sounds amazing!” I try to inflect my voice with an enthusiasm I’m not feeling and we all fall into an uneasy silence. We’re all relieved when the nurse comes in, trailed by the doctor who says Kenzie can go home. “Rest up young lady, no trapeze acts for at least a week,” he says and the girls both find this hilarious.

  “My car is here, who’s coming with me?” I ask, convinced the girls will say they’re going with Dave.

  “We will,” the girls both chorus and Dave nods.

  “We’re low on groceries. I’ll meet you back at the house,” he says. We get Kenzie into her shorter than short shorts that I really wish she wouldn’t insist on wearing and I watch her struggle to bend forward to pull on her little white cowboy boots. Ever the rock star. I curb my critical thoughts and wait in silence. I follow Kenzie out the door. She’s clutching her balloons and I want to grab them and let them float away, the unwanted evidence of my bad mothering.

  I load the girls into the car and listen to their chatter and I thank all the gods I can t
hink of that they are okay, that my family is still intact, and that I haven’t lost everything. Screw Denise. I’m their mom. I’m Dave’s wife. I will not be usurped. The woman has no idea who she’s dealing with. I take the long way home, just to be with the kids for longer.

  “How’s Muffin?” I ask.

  “Good. We had to take him to the vet, he ate some rubbish and the vet had to cut his stomach open, but he’s fine now.” Maddie is happy to chat, Kenzie just stares out the window.

  “You young ladies have had a few adventures. Let’s try not to have too many more. Mads, do you have a game tomorrow?”

  “Nope, only next week.”

  We pull up into the driveway and Maddie lugs my suitcase inside for me and I help Kenzie up the stairs.

  “I’m going to make you guys the best dinner ever tonight,” I say and they both looked uneasy. “Or we could get any kind of takeout you like.” This is met with more enthusiasm and I grab them both to me and hug them hard until they squirm away.

  “Fine. I’ll stop now, Mommy’s got some paperwork from the trip, you guys have homework?”

  “We don’t have any, because of the accident. Can we watch TV?”

  “Sure, I’ll come and sit at the dining room table so I can be near you.”

  “Mom, we’re fine,” Kenzie says. “Dad said it was an accident, and that accidents happen but not every day. Stop worrying, okay?”

  “Okay.” But I sit where I can see them and I study them, pretending to be working. They’re so grown up. When did they get to be so grown up? They are both tall and Maddie looks like she’s dropped some weight but Dave’s right, I can’t make that an issue. They’re so pretty and I can see some of me and Dave in both of them. Maddie’s more square-jawed while Kenzie’s face is heart-shaped. They both have my nose. I want to tell them how sorry I am for everything and how I really do want to make things better, but I can’t think of what to say.

  I log onto my work spreadsheet server and check my sales. Thanks to Sandi, my numbers are better than ever. I realize, with a shock that this is the first trip where I came straight home and didn’t go to my storage locker to stash a pile of shit.

  My email pings and it’s Ralph congratulating me on a stellar performance.

  Good one, scout! You took it to the next level again! Take some time; you’ve earned it. Take the kids to Wonderland, do some fun stuff. I can get you free day passes for Sunday if you like.

  “You kids want to go to Wonderland tomorrow?” I ask the girls over the noise of the TV.

  Shrieks of happiness tells me that yes, they do and I message Ralph who sends me the tickets.

  “We’re going to Wonderland tomorrow,” I tell Dave at dinner and he grins.

  Later that night, I straddle Dave with the hunger of one who has had a narrow escape. And afterwards I fall into a beautiful dreamless sleep.

  25.

  MY BEAUTIFUL DREAMLESS SLEEP is broken by a nightmare. Dave, the girls and I are on holiday at a seaside cottage. We take a trip into town and hear news of an approaching tsunami. I turn to gather the kids to me but they have disappeared. I turn to Dave but he too is gone. They must have gone back to the cottage. I climb into an abandoned SUV while around me people are screaming and running in all directions. I put my foot on the gas but the tarmac heaves up in front of me and splits apart like a special effect in a Hollywood movie. Ten-story waves crash down on either side of the car and slam down on the pier. The road has become a wooden dock, a thin strip heading out into the treacherous ocean. The waves miss me but only just. I somehow make it back to the cottage and Dave and the girls are not there, but my father is, with his distant gaze and his Grecian beauty and his fine aristocratic hands that twist and turn as he examines something he has made. I want to scream at him but my voice catches in my throat and I jerk upright, gasping.

  Awake, I reach for Dave only to find that he really is gone. I am in bed, alone.

  I sit up. What happened? Where is he? But then I hear the sound of crying and I jump out of bed and rush down the hallway to the girls’ room. The bedside lights are on, throwing shadows across the room.

  Maddie is sitting up in her bed, her eyes wide and worried. The bright and cheerful room is at odds with the sound of sorrow. Dave is rubbing Kenzie’s back. Kenzie has her face to the wall and she is sobbing, huge gulping cries.

  Dave sees me arrive and he looks up at me and shakes his head.

  “What happened?” I ask Maddie and she too shakes her head. “She just started crying. I didn’t hear her in the beginning but then she got really loud. I don’t know why she’s crying. She wouldn’t say. So I got Daddy to come.”

  “Let me try,” I say to Dave and he gets up. I sit down and stroke Kenzie’s hair. “Sweetie, is it your ribs? Are you in pain?” She cries harder and Dave gives me a look. I lie down alongside Kenzie, something I haven’t done in years and I carry on stroking her hair. I spoon my body into hers and I’m struck by how tiny she is, how thin. “Baby, tell Mommy what’s the matter, please.”

  “Wonderland,” she finally manages, “too sore. I can’t…” She stops.

  “Oh sweetie.” I feel terrible. “I should have thought of that. Of course you can’t go. What was I thinking? I’m so sorry. You don’t have to feel bad, okay? I never should have suggested it. My bad, okay? Please, honey, stop crying.”

  She stops sobbing but she’s still hiccupping and it’s hard for her to breathe. “Kenz, honey, I’m really sorry.” I murmur this again and again to her, and I rub her little shoulder and I start crying too. I cry quietly so she can’t hear me but hot tears roll down my face. The soapy innocence of her freshly-shampooed hair makes me hate myself even more. This little person. I brought this little person into the world and I made her cry like this. What a shitty mother. I’m critical of everything she does and how she does it. This kid doesn’t deserve me. Not the me that I am. I have to change. “I’m going to stay here with you, baby, okay? We’ll go to sleep and then tomorrow maybe we can go to Eggspectations or Cora’s or anywhere you like and you can have pancakes or waffles or anything.” She gives a small nod and her breathing starts to ease.

  I hear Maddie settle down, with Dave murmuring behind me. I carry on rubbing Kenzie’s back and she soon drifts off into sleep. But I don’t sleep. Thoughts of my failure swirl around in my mind followed by resolve followed by doubt, all wrapped up in a big ugly blanket of shame.

  I have an appointment to see Gerstein the following day and not only am I going to go, I’m darn well going to succeed at this, whatever it takes. So, when I’m sitting there, across from Gerstein, I tell her the truth.

  “Whatever I tell you is confidential?” I ask and Gerstein nods.

  “Fine. I had an affair. A year-long affair. I loved him and he broke my heart. That’s why I went crazy recently and Dave made me come here. I wasn’t crazy; I was heartbroken. Dave’s got no idea.”

  “Tell me what happened. From the beginning. We can have a double session today, I had a cancellation.”

  I’m not sure I’m up for a two-hour interrogation, but a part of me badly needs to talk about JayRay. I can’t talk to anybody about what happened, so in a way, I welcome this opportunity.

  I start at the beginning and I tell her pretty much the whole truth. I tell her about Bernice, and I tell her that JayRay is a con man, but I leave out how we got married in Vegas, and how I’m a polygamist, even though the marriage isn’t a legal one.

  The wedding happened after JayRay came to my hotel room, following the Bernice debacle and after he cut my face with the green glass from the broken bottle, even though he hadn’t meant to. He was drunk when he arrived and he asked me to marry him. He even got down on one knee. I said yes, of course I did, and we took a taxi to the Little White Wedding Chapel Drive-Thru Window and we got married.

  I kept the certificate and because we couldn’t get wedding rings,
we had matching tattoos done instead. The tattoos are small, about the size of a quarter , but I still made sure to keep covered up around Dave until my bush grew back. Thank god he never commented on my sudden tendency to wear a robe instead of wandering around our bedroom in my usual naked state.

  JayRay got his tattoo above his balls, near the base of his penis. The tattoos are an utter cliché, a blood-red heart pierced by an arrow. I was surprised that JayRay would agree to something so girly but, then again, he was drunker than I had ever seen him. I loved mine so much at the time but now it’s a constant reminder of JayRay’s betrayal. It’s a good example to my girls of why they should never get tattoos, but I know this is one story I’ll never get to share with them, or with anyone. Not even Gerstein.

  “And how do you feel now?” she asks and I force myself to concentrate. I had just finished telling Gerstein about my most recent, supremely disastrous trip. I told her I about my blackout and I told her about Sandi helping me and saving the day.

  “He married somebody else. It’s over. And I feel like it’s my fault Kenzie was hit by a car. It’s because I’m a bad mother. I passed out because I took too many pills and I wasn’t there for her. And now I’ve been given another chance and I’m not going to fuck it up this time. For some reason, I have been given this free get-out-of-jail card and I’m not going to squander it.”

  “Leonie, why is it that you never talk about your mother?”

  I know exactly why. Because that would mean telling Gerstein another nasty truth and if I do that, she’ll give up on me and rightfully so. So I deflect her.

  “My father was a cruel man,” I say and she takes the bait.

  “To her too?”

  “No. He loved her.”

  I remember something. I came home early one day, when I was about fifteen. I had bad period pains and I wanted to lie on my bed in the fetal position and hold a hot water bottle close to my stomach, while I waited for the painkillers to kick in.